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thebearsoup Asked June 2024

Boyfriend won't discuss his mom who lives in his house.

Hi guys. I (42f) am dating a man (40m) for 6 months now. At first it was going okay up until it was time to ask him how he lived, where he lived. I think these are the simple questions while dating but I was wrong.


 


His mom lives in his basement but still uses the house. Thing is my boyfriend won't talk about how a future looks. He kinda lied at first and dodged questions about his living situation. He feared that I would dump him once I found out he lives with his mom and that he's in a lot of debt from buying his house. (A whole other situation that I should walk away from now).


 


Also, his house is a wreck. Missing doors, mold, mildew. His older brother and sis in law destroyed the house in domestic disputes when he let them live there. They never fixed his house never paid for repairs.


 


I'm kinda aware of what it could take to take care of a parent. My BF kinda dodges the issue. I have brought it up but it's like he wants to turn a blind eye to what it will take to bring another woman into his life. And what care for his mom looks like. She depends on him for a lot. And she'll need more help as she ages. I don't know if he thinks about this. He seems to be in lalaland. Living with his mom was a last minute rushed decision almost 5 years ago. I'm the first woman he's dating since and he's not ready for me.


 


I don't know how to help him. I think I'll just break up with him soon cause he is not open about his home life and it's weird that his friends have never been to his house and he's one person around them and different when he's home. His home life depresses him. It's odd that he didn't think about everything before moving his mom in. He's a great guy but he's never ready to talk about his mom or home life. He lives two lives. The one he shows the world and then the mess at home. This sucks but I don't know how he will have kids (I'm almost out of time for fertility) and take care of his mom. I feel bad that I'm thinking of breaking up but if he can't talk about his mom and home life then I'm out.

Daughterof1930 Jun 2024
Your question reads more like a diary of you talking yourself out of this relationship. The alarm bells are sounding on multiple levels and you’re wise to be aware of it. This forum has seen multiple ladies come here for advice concerning a man who cannot make a break from his mother. These men, for whatever reasons, invariably choose their mothers over any and all other women and chances for a life of their own. Don’t disregard your concerns, they are valid. If he won’t get honest in a hurry, time to move on

PeggySue2020 Jun 2024
Obviously you’re going to host every date or sex night you have as his mom would be in the basement otherwise.

Most women would addressed his living situation at the first coffee date and then just friendzoned him afterward. Thats probably why he hasn’t dated for five years before you, and you’re not his savior.

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Dogwood63 Jun 2024
There's an old saying that goes:

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."

The foundation of a successful relationship is trust, openness, and shared goals. I don't see that here.

Listen to your instincts and walk away.

funkygrandma59 Jun 2024
OMG! This is a no brainer Honey!! Run away as fast as you can now before it's too late! You deserve SO much better!
DO NOT let yourself get sucked into your boyfriends dysfunctional world. He's in no shape to bring any woman into his life.

What would you tell a girlfriend if she shared what you have with us? I'd bet a million dollars that it would be to RUN away as fast as you can. So there is your answer.
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2024
Exactly!
Grandma1954 Jun 2024
You place your right foot in front of the left then you move the left in front of the right and you continue this process until you are far far away.
This is not a man (boy) that you want to waste (yup waste) your time with.
You can not change him. (Never a good idea going into a relationship needing to change the person)
He will not change.
He has already been dishonest with you

You said it...he is not ready for you or anyone else at this time and maybe never.

Beatty Jun 2024
"He's a great guy but he's never ready.."

This.

This man's canoe may be caught in the reeds at the riverbank. I suppose it depends if he can find his oars.. 🛶🛶

You may need to paddle on, solo.
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2024
I think she needs to look up the definition of ‘great,’ so she can clearly see that this guy doesn’t fit the description of being great.
anonymous749199 Jun 2024
He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Fawnby Jun 2024
He's beyond help. You don't want to be in charge of fixing his decrepit, moldy old house! Or the pile of mold that is his mother, either! Or contributing money to this mess!

Your idea of breaking up is a good one. He's positioning you to be a caregiver for his mommy. What usually happens then is that boyfriend disappears and woman is stuck with mom, the house, and all that goes with it.

You could find someone better than this guy. Please do it, and I'm sorry you've had this experience. Getting out while you still can will open other doors with more possibilities for you. Good luck.

AlvaDeer Jun 2024
Ummmmm. I think we have the picture.

More importantly, I think that YOU have the picture.

I was once, about 7 decades ago. given the BEST advice.
I didn't know at the time it was about the best advice I would EVER be given, but it has turned out to be the case.

I was told that in the BEGINNING of a relationship we already know what will end it.
For me, that has proven true.

I will leave you to your own hard-fought, hard-lived lessons.
Mine took EIGHTY ONE years so far, and I am still only beginning to learn.

NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2024
Adding to my earlier post…

Could it be that you feel like you have invested so much in this guy that you don’t want to let him go?

If so, rethink this whole scenario. He pulled a bait and switch on you. He isn’t who you thought he was.

So, you lost six months of your life with someone who is incredibly sketchy.

Was he vague about his life from the beginning? Or, do you feel that he intentionally misled you to believe that he was something that he isn’t?

No matter what the circumstances are, it stinks, but it’s actually a blessing in disguise.

Finding out the truth now is far better than being deceived by someone who you thought could have been a potential partner.

Think about this experience as dodging an inevitable divorce down the road.

You’re going to look back at this one day and thank your lucky stars that you left when you did.

A very good friend of mine was engaged. Her wedding invitations were in the mail. He ended things at the last minute. She was crushed. No one could console her. I just let her be to lick her wounds.

It took a while for my friend to get over this guy. She remains single. She never had children. She’s content with her life.

Ha! Sometimes, she will say to me, “I have seen so many of our friends get divorced. I’m glad I never got married!”

I know that you would like a husband and a child. I understand that.

Please know that you can have a complete life without having a spouse and child. Or, you can have a child without having a mate. Many single women become mothers on their own.

You have options. You definitely don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t worthy of you.

Take care.

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