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Horseshoemama6 Asked March 2023

Should I get a hold of the state since my mom doesn’t remember to take her medicine and use the automatic pill dispenser I got her?

My mom doesn’t always remember to take her medicine and refuses to go to Al. All she does is watch tv all day and pretty much the same movie. I don’t think she is eating. She has gone from 169 lbs to 140 since November 2022. She doesn’t shower and hasn’t washed her hair since November (I only know this because she doesn’t wash her hair anymore because I have to take her to the beauty shop and they said the other day she hadn’t been there since November). I knew it looked terrible but I thought maybe my sister possibly my sister (who doesn’t want anything to do with her care anymore, even though she has dpoa) might have taken her. She doesn’t clean anymore the 1/2 bath she uses most of the time is just disgusting. I keep trying to get up enough nerve to clean it. She has 3 flights of stairs to use to go up and down to shower do her laundry and get her clothes. She had in home health for 4 weeks and only did everything they wanted her to do so they would just go away. She said she was evaluated and was told she was just fine to live there by herself. Quite honestly this is becoming to much for me to handle on my own. I cried for at least an hour the other night. It’s effectaning my marriage and family. I go up once a week to put her medicine together and spend at least 6 hours but she honestly could use someone 2/3 days a week. In which she isn’t going to pay for and neither is my sister. My sister won’t make her go to assisted living because she is trying to keep as much in heritance as she can. I’m on ssd which makes it hard to do a lot. Plus I live 45 minutes away and can’t afford the gas to go up there more than I do, even though she does give me money for gas, I also have a Jeep that has 300,00 0 miles so I’m not sure how much longer it will hold up we have put a lot of work in it the past few years which gets into our monthly income which isn’t much since we’re both on ssd.

AnnReid Mar 2023
You are a good person. Because you ARE a good person, you are placing yourself in harm’s way by worrying about several things you feel you can’t control.

Your mom’s safety and welfare AND YOURS, are BOTH at risk. BALANCE is important in caregiving.

Your sister (her POA) isn’t helping. She may or may not, be a “good person” too.

She may be overwhelmed, she may be trying to save herself, she may be desperate for the money she thinks will come to her when your mother dies, she may be denying care for some reason that SHE doesn’t realize.

To cut to the chase, YOUR MOTHER IS NOT SAFE, and YOU need the support of someone who will help you sort this out and decide what you can/can’t/should/shouldn’t do.

So TODAY, get on your computer and SEEK OUT SOMEONE TO TALK TO about this.

Is there a Board of Social Services In your town or county? Contact them.

Do you attend religious services? Contact the lead official there. Even if you DON’T, a pastor, priest, rabbi may have information that can help you.

JUST doing this kind of search can empower you, and you NEED empowerment f your own, for your own welfare.

You need to stop contributing your finances. until HERS are being used for HER CARE.

Whether she resists residential care or doesn’t MAY be irrelevant TO provision for her safe and reasonable need for care. Her present lifestyle indicates that she needs a higher level of care than she currently receives.

You may need to “back off” so you can figure out what’s really going on, and what you can realistically contribute while taking the best care possible of yourself and your family. Tough to do, but possibly your only realistic and reasonable choice.

Hard, painful thoughts and choices, with no “happy endings”. Most of us here have had to make some. Please keep in touch.

NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
This is so sad. I certainly understand why you cry over your mom not being cared for.

It’s terribly selfish of your sister to be thinking about an inheritance when your mom needs to be placed somewhere and be cared for properly.

I would call the police to do a welfare check, plus APS and report your mother’s situation to them.

I wouldn’t give your sister a second thought. Your sister has shown that she only cares about herself. She doesn’t care about you or your mom.

Best wishes to you and your mother.

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gladimhere Mar 2023
Having POA does not mean that person has to provide direct care. And is POA activated? It can only be activated if mom has been determined to be incapacitated.

Beatty Mar 2023
I know this happens, big differences in insight & opinion between family members.

Two siblings. One sees that Mom can't look after herself anymore.

The other: Doesn't see it, doesn't agree. Or agrees but cant to accept it. Or even agrees & accepts it but won't take action.

I think when this situation arises, it's time for outside people have a look. For a health evaluation & needs assessment to be done - by trained people. That may even be Adult Protection Services to start.

Having outsider input, then a family meeting with a professional AND including Mom, can get everyone refocused: onto what Mom wants & needs.

Sometimes the 'must stay at home' sib is in denial. Or is stuck in 'keep Mom happy' mode. Clueless... or even greedy wanting to save their perceived inheritance. Then they need a giant kick up the A & to renounce their POA to someone more worthy.

Just maybe Mom could stay home a little longer with much more support? IF this is possible: if affordable, if available, if Mom likes being alone.

Or maybe it's time for 24/7 supported living. With regular prepared meals & meds, a regular routine & socialisation.

If I felt strongly Mom could no longer live alone safely, I'd make that call.

JulieMerchant Mar 2023
I understand how frustrating it can be...I've been there and I know! How can we help when they don't want to help themselves? My mom passed away of COPD and throat cancer. We couldn't get her to help us by following the doctor's advice, so she only declined... And I have to admit that while my sisters and I were all helping take care of her, she did her best to alienate all of us..one by one because of her awful attitude. What I wish I'd known then is that we could have had a home care agency come in and help with non-medical needs. We never even thought of calling someone in because we didn't think we'd be able to afford it. I learned my lesson when it came to taking care of daddy. We called an agency and it was so helpful. They were a blessing. I hope you find this helpful. We used Synergy HomeCare. If you'd like the number I'll be glad to get it for you.

AlvaDeer Mar 2023
Call APS for a visit to your Mom. Inform them that Mom's DPOA isn't helping her. Report her as a senior at risk. I hope this will get you assessment and evaluation for your Mom, and possible placement according to diagnosis.

I would not attempt to do much more given your own limitations. If this cannot be helped by intervention of APS, then I doubt there is a whole lot of help for the situation and Mom and Sis will likely go on until there is a medical emergency.

So sorry. Not everything can be fixed. Going to recommend you read Liz Scheier's memoir Never Simple about her mentally challenged Mom.

CTTN55 Mar 2023
" I now take care my mom to all her appointments, make sure she has groceries and is eating trying to keep her clean make sure she takes her medicine and doesn’t drive because she has dementia (which we don’t have the diagnosis) she also has maculate degeneration in her eyes and has a hard time seeing."

You're able to do all of this going there just once/week?

What does your brother do? He also doesn't get along with your sister, as you mentioned in another post.
Horseshoemama6 Mar 2023
No I can’t do all of this one day a week. If I lived closer probably but I’m 45 minutes away. My sister was supposed to help when mom started having afib in November 2022 but now since the end of January she won’t do anything. Won’t talk to me by phone or text. My brother does what he can. He works construction and right now is trying to finish out his hours so he can retire early. This problem with the family started back in 2019 when my sister called him and told him she was going to take his land that my mom and dad gave him over 20 years ago. Also said that she was taking everything and me and him weren’t going to get anything. So when she called me the last time saying she was going to be done when mom couldn’t totally remember anything. He started stepping in and helping more
JoAnn29 Mar 2023
I would call APS. Tell them that sister holds DPOA and no longer wants to care for Mom and you can't because of your disability. Ask if they can go in an evaluate. You think Mom needs care in a facility and there is money to have her placed. You just can't get sister to place her. This may put a strain on this relationship with ur sister but Mom will be safe. If she suffers from a Dementia an AL may not take her. She will be placed in Memory care.

The State will not take over unless Sis revokes her DPOA. If Mom has a Dementia she cannot assign a new POA. You maybe able to go for guardianship but its expensive. If you win, the cost can be taken from Moms money.
Horseshoemama6 Mar 2023
mine and my sisters relationship is over so putting a strain on it won’t matter at this point.
MJ1929 Mar 2023
Call the police and ask for a welfare check on your mother. They'll go there and with her permission check her house for cleanliness, the refrigerator, ask her questions about her health, and most important, they'll get your sister's (and your) phone numbers. If they're like the police in my parents' town, they'll call you and talk about her situation and/or contact Adult Protective Services.

You can do this anonymously or at least ask that your mom and sister are not told who called. It'll also get a much faster response than calling APS directly.

Someone called the police for my parents, which was absurd. They were completely fine, my dad was still driving and active in the community, and he had no health issues. My mom was fine and being cared for properly.

Dad was appalled and embarrassed by the call, but it did put them on the town's radar and they called me to talk about the check. We never did know who called, but it's irrelevant now.
Horseshoemama6 Mar 2023
Thank you

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