How to deal with a very controlling father figure?

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GraceJones Asked February 2023

How to deal with a very controlling father figure?

I contribute to caring for my mother, and so does her brother who raised me. He served as my father as I was growing up (she did not raise me). I have to rely on him for some things when it comes to checking on people who provide daily living assistance to my mother and her doctors. He lives significantly closer to my mother than I do. He's a man with a heart of gold (clearly, he raised me when he didn't have to after my father died when I was a baby), but unfortunately he is extremely opinionated, very controlling and dominating. He often makes misogynistic comments. He gets angry at me because I do not allow him to constantly character assassinate me or just accept his criticisms/blames when they're unfounded. He gives me a lot of orders that you would not give to any adult if you respected them. When I try to communicate with him regarding how our communication could be improved, he gets dismissive and ends the conversation. This causes me stress. Any advice on how to handle this dynamic?

Communication & Language Mental Health Relationships Stress

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score 1 · Answer 1

Thanks everyone for your advice, there are several things that some of you who answered the actual question being asked mentioned that I find very helpful. Having said that, I'm a bit taken aback by how many people want to focus on disputing the "heart of gold" instead of actually trying to answer the question that's being asked. Please stop. That's not the point of my question, so I didn't elaborate on that part and why I said that. You don't know the whole picture, and I didn't provide it because it's not what my question is about. If I could edit that part out, I would because it's clearly distracting to some. Thank you very much

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score 1 · Answer 2

He maintains control over you by ending the conversation when it touches on what he doesn’t like. You could do that too. Walk out or hang up with no explanation.

You owe this meanspirited controlling jerk nothing. I’m sorry for your family situation but you can circumvent it and be free.

You don’t owe your mother anything either.

Enjoy your freedom and move on.

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score 2 · Answer 3

There is a thing called "the family myth".

When I was growing up, every time ANYONE told a story about my maternal grandmother and my father, there was an interjection "and they ADORED each other."

I was 40, slightly tipsy at a family event in my home when one of my cousins started telling a story with this " myth" embedded.

I asked quietly "says who?"

There was an uncomfortable silence and the story was told to its conclusion. But no one has EVER said that again, at least not in my presence. As far as I could see, grandma and my dad barely tolerated each other. But my mom liked to paint these "happy family" pictures.

Please get some therapy and let the scales fall from your eyes.

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score 2 · Answer 4

Sounds like you were one of those groups of children who were strictly coached to memorize all we had to believe and repeat about how wonderful our parent the bully was. My mother would carry on and ON about what a wonderful and trustworthy person she was, the ONLY one i could ever trust on earth, and how no matter WHAT she said or did, i was to speak of her only in glowing terms. Brainwashing is another term for what these adults do to children.

How else would you come away thinking such a dreadful person "has a heart of gold" otherwise?

A person with a true heart of gold does things 100% opposite of how your father figure says and does them. He uses respect in word and deed all the time, too.

I'd extricate myself from this man's presence STAT. You've done enough for him and you've suffered enough too.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Doesn't sound like any heart of gold to ME. You just described a bully. Did he bully you when he raised you as well, leaving you to think it's the norm and what you deserve. As to his sister, who had you but DIDN'T raise you, I can't find myself overly caring of her either. Just saying. I would advise walking away.

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score 2 · Answer 6

I did a double take when I read your description of having a ‘heart of gold’ and then I saw that you wrote that he was ‘extremely opinionated, controlling and domineering.’

I thought I must have misread your post because these things are polar opposite of each other.

So, he raised you? Was it really due to having a ‘heat of gold’ or was it him ‘taking charge’ of your upbringing?

Was he ever a nurturing man? It doesn’t sound like it.

You are no longer a child dependent upon him. You’re an adult. You’re free! You get to make your own choices that are best for you. Avoid this unpleasant situation by not speaking to him about any decisions that you have made.

By the way, if he asks any questions, it doesn’t mean that you owe him any answers. Ignore his questions or any unwanted opinions.

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score 2 · Answer 7

Do you tell him what your going to do and he says no. Then stop telling him your plans. If he says you should be doing something, tell him you'll think about it. My nephew agrees and then does what he wants.

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JoAnn,

I admire the relationship between you and your nephew. You care, but you’re not over bearing in his life.

You are also aware of your limitations. All we can do is make suggestions to others. We can’t force anyone to listen.

You have a healthy balance and it works well for each of you.

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score 2 · Answer 8

Grace, when he cuts you off...That is when you say: "Bite me or the equivalent". And get done what needs to be done while he splutters in impotent rage.

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score 4 · Answer 9

Sounds like an Army Captain bellowing out orders to be obeyed.

I keep it short, sharp but assertive back.

"Thankyou for your suggestions.
Obviously I am a separate person to you, so will have different ways of doing things. I have other plans/arrangements/ideas at this time but I will take your suggestions into consideration".

Maybe someone can write something snappier!

But keep stressing his 'orders' are not orders but *suggestions*.

Controlling people need constant reminders that their word is not law. That they do not control everything. You may need to frequently remind them 'that issue is up to me'. Keep highlighting where their control ends.

Two of my very controlling relatives have anxiety ++.
Both will order people around so their world is how they like it, to reduce their own stress.

It can be exhausting to be around at their high stress times. I keep visits as relaxed as possible & leave early if not.

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Thanks. I'm starting to employ the approach where I just tell him "this is what I'm going to do" (only in matters where I HAVE to, of course) and proceed living my life. I phrase it as an FYI instead of something that opens more room for debate and invites "input"

(5)

score 4 · Answer 10

He sounds like a truly dreadful human being.

Why do you believe he has a "heart of gold"?

Look, there are people who "do the right thing" and step up when needed. It sounds like that's what he did when he realized you had no one (was your mother incapable of raiding you for some reason?).

BUT it sounds as though perhaps there is lingering resentment, mental instability or something like that going on.

Do you really have to have contact with him?

HAve you tried walking out of the room, no comment when he bullies you?

Google Grey Rock as a technique

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score 4 · Answer 11

He doesn’t sound like a heart of gold. A person with such a heart wouldn’t treat you this way. While it’s admirable that he chose to raise you, it doesn’t mean he gets to say and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. It’s hard to accept that the man who raised you, does not respect or love you.

Sounds like he really enjoys bullying you, and that you were raised to take it. NO MORE. Keep standing up for yourself.

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score 3 · Answer 12

You may want to look up what it means to have a heart of gold. Nothing in your description of your step father shows any traits of this.

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score 3 · Answer 13

He's a man and one who has had to take control. He's used to it. If he criticises you, you now have step up and be a woman. you can call him out on it. DO NOT engage in a long communication as to how he needs to change...that isn't a man way of doing things. Women LOVE words. Men are usually tortured by women being wordy.
So, stand up, say: "bite me" (when appropriate), get done what needs to be done.
He'll come along and start to see you as an adult

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LOL well, the "do not engage in a long communication" is easy to do, I don't get to make it past a sentence max before he cuts me off

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How to deal with a very controlling father figure?

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