Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
K
KgsHubs Asked January 2023

Cremation and burial with the first wife, mother of his children. What would you do?

My husband and I have been married for over 15 years. We both want to be cremated. My issue is/or might be that his first wife passed away many years ago (before I came into the picture) and they had, at the time, purchased a double site & headstone with both of their names on it at the cemetery - I believe his adult daughters want him placed there with their Mom - In earlier discussions, I've asked my husband what his wishes would be when his time comes, and he says he wants me to keep his ashes with me so we can be spread together - along with our pooch Nani Girl who passed away last year - in Maui where we were married when my time comes. He's told his daughters this but they don't seem to care. I'm a bit conflicted with this - as I know there will be animosity afterward - even though his daughters know his wishes. I'm going for cremation either way! Maybe cremation with a short memorial service. Neither of us is into long drawn out funerals and receptions. But that's just us! I'm just concerned about doing what would be better for his daughters or sticking to his wishes - What would you do?

Grandma1954 Jan 2023
divide the ashes.
His children can do what they want with some and you can keep some and you can have his mixed with yours when it is your time to be cremated.
As far as the actual ceremony you do and plan what you and he talked about, what his wishes are.

momkennedy1 Jan 2023
Let the kids have some of his ashes to be buried with their Mom, and take the rest to be with you. Cremation makes it easy.

ADVERTISEMENT


Bysrose Jan 2023
When we knew my husband was going to die soon, he had cancer all over his body, he asked me to buy burial lots for us, his wife, mother of his grown children , was buried at a place he purchased when she passed away. That request was only a few weeks before he passed and he never asked me about it or said anymore. I gave it much thought, he was 58 and I was 52. I decided to bury him next to his first wife so if his children wanted to visit the graves of their parents, they would be together. I thought perhaps I would move to a different state when I retired and it would also make it easier for my children, when I pass. I pray I made the right decision. I have decided to just be cremated and let my ashes fly in the wind.
Orangesky Jan 2023
That is lovely of you and I do think you made the right decision.
Memorials are for the family (mostly the children) and other close family/friends who are left behind.
BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
You are your husband's next-of-kin and he is yours. If he's already expressed what his wishes are then that is what gets done.
It really doesn't matter all that much where a box of ashes ends up because the person's soul is not there. It has gone on.
What your husband should do now is sell the other plot in the double. Cemataries allow that. And if his name is already on the stone, what about some of his ashes going there and the rest of them being disposed of as he wishes?
My husband's first wife, the biological mother of his only child is buried in her family's plot. He's not going there. We are getting cremated and our ashes put in Israel. Our boy is fine with that. He doesn't remember his birth mother because he was a baby when she died. Her memory was kept alive for him though.
Your husband's daughters need to understand something. Children no matter how old they are will always be the children of their parents.
Husbands and wives, no. Their father remarried to you. He is yours not his dead wife's. The daughters need to be told this and knock off their crap about where his remains go when he dies.
They go wherever he says they go. Or wherever his wife says if you're still living.
The same flies for you and any grown kids you may have from a previous marriage.
Fawnby Jan 2023
I especially like the part about knock off their crap. :-)
I wish my friend had said that to her stepdaughters, who were belligerent about their dad being buried next to their mom up nawth. My friend took care of their dad, who had dementia, without help from them for about 10 years. They were married for at least 25 years. So his daughters took his corpse to the cemetery where their mom was buried, and they had a memorial service. In the pamphlet they handed out, it said something like “and now he is at last reunited with his one true love.” My friend had a separate memorial for him in her home. Her husband, her one true love, would have been horrified at how she was treated.
Again, there is a form “Disposition of Remains” which can be notarized and signed. It gives control of the body to whomever the decedent designated.
JoAnn29 Jan 2023
You can be married 50 yrs but it not be a good one. Sometimes spouses just stay together because its convenient.

I saw on Facebook the other day "Funerals are for the Living". I don't agree. It 3 days of stress for the family. The ad was a Funeral home so of course they are trying to drum up customers. Funeral Homes have been hit hard by COVID. Lots of money lost with those graveside services. A viewing itself is costly. Then people are leaning more towards cremation. People are finding its ridiculous spending thousands of dollars for a funeral. My DH wants to be cremated. I wanted a burial. After my Mom died I thought why have my girls go thru all of this. Told them to cremate us. Neither of us are go to Church so seems to be hypocritical to have a minister do a service. I think viewings are archaic. I have told my girls I don't want one. Do as simple as possible and go out to dinner on me.

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Personally, I find that all of the hoopla surrounding death is unnecessary.

We purposefully chose a ‘celebration of life’ ceremony when my mother died. It was short and simple. Mom chose to be cremated with no wake or funeral. She was buried in our family plot.

People get crazy over this stuff and it can get ridiculous!

My mom and dad were devout believers but they weren’t ‘preachy,’ I am happy that my parents did not feel as if everything had to revolve around traditional beliefs.

My mother did have the traditional wake and funeral rituals for my dad, with the exception of a viewing. Daddy wanted a closed casket because he was extremely thin when he died. Mom respected his wishes.

I will never forget that some of our relatives were upset with my mother because they couldn’t gawk at him in the casket. This is what I mean when I say that these situations become ridiculous!

Everyone should do what is best according to their own individual preferences.

I prefer to celebrate a person’s life, rather than to focus on their death.

My best friend died last year and she chose ‘Let it Be’ to be sung at her ‘Celebration of Life’ ceremony. That was her philosophy. Just, Let it Be. Live and let live. She accepted everyone for who they were and wanted people to accept her as she was.

Fawnby Jan 2023
This comes up with a lot of second marriages. One argument that I’ve heard was that their mom and dad always, since their marriage 50+ years ago, planned to be together for eternity under the same headstone, and the grown kids can’t understand why their dad, still living and remarried, changed his mind. Plus the kids (in their 50s) said that burial is for the convenience of the survivors and they want to be able to visit their mom and dad together. The mom’s been dead for over 7 years. A family member asked how often is it realistic for them to visit the gravesite from more than 3 hours away? Turns out they haven’t visited since the first year! But they still insist on creating havoc over the issue, mostly with the second wife, to whom dad’s been married for 5 years. Tha whole family is tired of this.

Ohwow323 Jan 2023
First of all you are next of kin... you have say so, unless someone else has been made POA of him. But I understand you wanting to keep peace. Separation of ashes could be suggested and the daughters could be happy about that. Also, your husband can make a will of what he wants, sign it and date it. This is legal in California and the Mortuary has to go by it. Also, funeral insurance will help with what he wants.

Bridget66 Jan 2023
I prepaid my funeral recently. I'm being cremated. Ashes divided. Half for my stepsons to buy with their dad and the other half sent to my son to scatter at the family farm in WV. Problem solved. My son is an atheist, and the death hoopla is something he's not into.
AlvaDeer Jan 2023
I love this.
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
My husband and I feel like you and your husband about death. We aren’t interested in long drawn out wakes and funerals. We both feel that simple graveside services or a memorial is adequate.

Plus, what difference does it really make? We will be dead! We won’t care.

When I asked my husband what his wishes were he said that he honestly didn’t care about having a wake or a funeral at a funeral home. He simply said, “Cremate me. Keep it simple.” That’s how I feel too.

Your husband doesn’t want any big fanfare. He doesn’t feel that it’s important to have a gravesite. Nor does he feel compelled to satisfy his children’s wishes. He sounds perfectly content with his decision to be scattered with your ashes and your dog’s ashes.

I suppose it’s a good thing for him to place his wishes in writing. It doesn’t sound like his children are going to accept his wishes whether it’s in writing or not.

The bottom line is that he is married to you. You get to choose. What do you want? What is most important to you? Is it going to bother you if his children aren’t satisfied? Would it bother you to object to your husband’s last wishes?

Did you or he ever consider dividing up his ashes before it was suggested to you by the previous posters on this forum?

That may work for some. Others it could be a problem. I am thinking of my brother. He is on wife number four! LOL, he would have to have a four way split of his ashes.

Ironically, all of my brother’s wives and kids get along. I have had all of them, plus all of the kids at my home at the same time for holiday dinners. My kids refer to them as Aunt no. 1, 2, 3 and 4! LOL 😂

AlvaDeer Jan 2023
Would your husband and your step-daughters go for a division of the ashes. I never understand all this after death stuff at all. The person is gone. But if your step daughters want a place to visit "Mom and Dad" that would do it, and most of him could remain with you.
In the end, the decision is yours and yours alone. If I really cared about all of this I would sit the daughters down and I would tell them that I loved their Dad a whole lot and had a wonderful life with him, and that you wish to honor his wishes as he has given them to you all. I would tell them that I am so very sorry about their feelings being hurt by this decision, that it is one of the sad side effects of our broken families, of our going on with life. I would tell them I am, again, SORRY, but that I am going on with my own and my husband's wishes.
Some things can't be fixed so that everyone is happy. That simply isn't life, and never was.

JoAnn29 Jan 2023
Even if the ashes are split, he needs to put it in writing. Do a prepaid funeral. He can make his wishes known to the Funeral Director, too.

Your situation is different than most. He does not want to be buried with his first wife. His daughters need to respect whatever he wants. I just saw a picture on Facebook where the husband was buried and on each side of him were his wives.

Orangesky Jan 2023
Please get him to put what he wants in writing.

The idea of the 2 memorials (as mentioned below) sounds like a good one.

It's nice you are considering the feelings of your stepchildren. It is usually the children who carry on the memories and will visit his memorial in years to come.
My stepmother was awful to me, and had no respect for my wishes at all (she told me I was the 'enemy' and she kept my Dad isolated from everyone), so it's kind you are considering the requests of your stepchildren - and they will think well of you for including (not excluding) them.
KgsHubs Jan 2023
I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience with your stepmother - This is exactly what I'm trying to prevent. Ultimately, I believe my hubs would agree. I have no issues with his ashes being laid to rest with his previous wife - this way the girls can visit them both at the same time! It's a win-win!
Fawnby Jan 2023
Interesting answers. But what if a husband doesn’t want to be cremated and prefers to be buried with his second wife rather than his first? With the situation exactly the same otherwise? Just curious what people think. My friend went through this a year ago, and the daughters won, so friend’s husband is buried with his first wife. Friend now figuring out where she’ll be buried and not speaking to the daughters.
polarbear Jan 2023
Fawnby, for burial, it would not be possible to cut up his body in half to be buried in two places. Maybe the local butcher can do it. Haha.

In the situation where there may be a dispute as to where the body should be buried, I would recommend that the final wishes be in writing and that if a relative wanted to take the body and bury somewhere else against the deceased's wishes, such relative would have to foot the entire burial bill.
MJ1929 Jan 2023
Easy -- cremation with half his ashes interred next to Wife #1 to satisfy the daughters and half go with you and the dog to Maui.

Unless he was miserably divorced from the first wife, I'd do that. If he didn't like her anymore, then gently tell the daughters that his wishes are not to be buried with her.

The fact that there's a precarved headstone is irrelevant. They can get it carved with his dates of death if they want.

That's why you don't do that in advance, though -- things can change.
KgsHubs Jan 2023
Yes! So simple! Why didn't I think of that - I think that's reasonable - they should go for that 1/2 & 1/2 - Thank you!
polarbear Jan 2023
Kgshub - I recommend your husband put his wishes in writing and give his daughter a copy. He should make it clear to her what he wants now so there will be no arguments later.

I also agree with dividing his ashes. You can give the crematory 2 nice urns and have them put 1/2 in each.
KgsHubs Jan 2023
Excellent idea (2 nice urns) Thank you!
ZippyZee Jan 2023
Divide the ashes in two?
sp19690 Jan 2023
Thst would have been my suggestion. Part goes to the daughters to bury alongside mom and the other half to her to honor husband's wishes. Sounds like a simple and winnable solution.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter