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VictoriaMcD Asked January 2023

How do you help a parent, but still place boundaries on them, because you realize they're taking advantage of your family's generosity?

I previously posted about my father just moving into my home. He supposedly couldn't take care of himself any longer. He was in the hospital for pneumonia & came to pick up his dog, we were caring for, and never left our home. He was abused by my brother. We kicked out my brother's girlfriend from his home in September. Dad quit paying his bills after that and the loan company wanted to do a short sale on his home. Dad is a hoarder & went on a spending spree. I had no clue of this when he came here. In hindsight, I honestly feel now that my father "put on a show" by pretending to be unconscious and having me call the ambulance twice in one week, so that I would open up my home to him. I got his affairs in order. He never paid me one dime & he suddenly quit talking to us a month ago. My previous post goes into some of his behaviors. He never helped one bit. Just would come to the dinner table but very little conversing. My husband informed him that he is going to have to get rid of his dog, as my husband has Stage 3 asthma and we had to get rid of our very loved husky this past summer. Suddenly, Dad wants to go back home. This is after living here 2 months, not contributing one dime toward food or anything. He earns twice as much income as our family at the moment, as my husband applied for SSDI last February. So we are living on only my income. I do not want my father to think every time he spends too much that he can take advantage of me. See, there were talks of him selling his home & using that money to add onto our home. Now that's the last thing I would ever want. My teens are ticked off at him not ever saying one thank you to me for all I am doing. He is very self absorbed. For instance, he drinks up all of the milk & not caring if anyone has any. He thinks I am "ridiculous" with all the cleaning I do. We live 3 hours away from my father's home. I told him if he goes back, that I cannot be there at his beck and call. I also told him we cannot come get his dog if he is hospitalized again either. I suggested senior apartments but he won't even respond to that. He says he is just scared about the "rest of his life." I am beyond frustrated. He misses his "son". Which just makes me sick, as my brother is dealing with a felonious assault charge right now in court for giving my father a concussion. My dad was never a good father to me & now I feel he is using my family. What are my options if he needs help again? Coming to our home is not an option. He has totally depressed everyone here by moping around. What are my options?

MargaretMcKen Jan 2023
“Suddenly, Dad wants to go back home”. Hallelujah! Take him home, and don’t let him back in.

“What are my options if he needs help again”? Give him a list of phone numbers he can call for help. Home Care agencies, residential facilities, state agencies. It’s respectful – he stays in charge of his genuine options – which don’t include your place.

lealonnie1 Jan 2023
Perhaps read the book Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend? That's an option.

Next time dad needs help, tell him to call 911. He brings in $3K a month, you said, which is enough to fund his life in a number of IL apartments or he can sell his home and use the proceeds to fund his life in AL. Any number of options exist. Let him know what they are.

Once you learn how to set down boundaries and stick to them, then dad's on his own using resources to help himself rather than moving back into your house to further depress you & your family.
VictoriaMcD Jan 2023
I honestly feel he won't be at his home very long, as 911 was being called often. I don't think he will talk with me much after this anyhow. I honestly feel he hates me because I look just like his ex wife.

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Beatty Jan 2023
I think I would consider all that happened *education*.

It's the classic lend a hand, have your arm pulled & your wallet taken.

Dad has shown you how he is now. He has needs, housing, bills, company etc. He's got the smarts to find it. If not you, he'll find someone else. Or, at some stage, have a medical emergency & be forced down the rehab-long term care option.

Your teens are watching too. They see how giving & helping works. They also see that boundaries are required for safety. Otherwise 'giving' can turn into 'being taken advantage of'. These can be really good life lessons to discuss as a family, if not now, later.

Has Dad left yet?

Keep that 3 hour distance.
Send a card for his birthday & major holidays if it makes you feel better.

PS I am sorry you never had a close or great relationship with him. It's totally ok to feel sad about that. Many people didn't have the close or great relationship with a parent they would have liked.. see that. Acknowledge that. Don't let any past hurts or regrets cloud your judgement of the current reality.
VictoriaMcD Jan 2023
Thank you. I appreciate you being candid.
Isthisrealyreal Jan 2023
My dad lied to get into our home and then thought he should be the man of the house, without contributing one thin dime or anything but work for us.

I completely understand feeling like you were played. The sad part is they cut their own throats by doing that crap. I would have helped my dad without the lies but, once I discovered the crap, I no longer felt the same way. Not that I wouldn't help, just that the help would be more on my terms and I didn't believe anything from him. If I didn't see it and confirm the reality, I didn't respond.

My dad showed me who he was and I believed him. Your dad has shown you who he is, believe him. It will help you balance future responses to his self created crisis'.

It is super hard to step back but, he has proven that he is the only one that matters to him. Find resources for his area and when he calls for something give him the contact information. That's a nice thing to do for him.

I am so sorry that he has used and abused your and your families good graces.
VictoriaMcD Jan 2023
"...thought he should be the man of the house." This is exactly what has happened to us. On top of that, in the beginning, I had to remind him that I am a grandmother now, not a teenager. One morning, he was telling me what my "agenda" was for the day. 🙄 With my husband having Stage 3 asthma, we told him he cannot sleep with his dog, or even have her in the bedroom with him, as my husband is allergic to dust mites & dog dander on bedding is an awful combination. Several times, I caught him letting the dog in the bedroom. I finally had it and confronted the issue explaining asthma for the hundredth time to him. My dad also thought he was going to put his huge gun case in his bedroom, and we told him that it could ruin our new flooring. He became "mute" after that. An immature pouting response, as he has always been very self absorbed and spoiled. This is honestly so ridiculous. I am shocked by his sense of entitlement.
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Victoria,

This is a nightmare! I feel for your entire family.

So, you’re now questioning if he was pretending to be worse off than he actually is so that he could get you to care for him and his dog. That could very well be the case.

I think you know that this situation cannot continue to go on. He has turned your home life upside down. You also can’t make a three hour run to his house if he would return home. His home isn’t safe.

No matter how difficult he is, your brother has abused him. It’s sad that your dad misses him and doesn’t recognize all of the things that you have done for him.

Your father needs to be in a facility. He has proven that he isn’t capable of living in his home.

It seems like you want an easy ‘fix’ to this situation but I feel that things are going to have to get worse before they get better. So, be it!

Allow the situation to become worse for him, in order for him to ultimately get help.

You, your husband and your children deserve better than this.

Wishing you all the best.

JoAnn29 Jan 2023
Let Dad return home with his dog. If he calls 911 too often they can call APS about a vulnerable adult. Let the State take over his care. Refuse to take him back into your home. He is responsible for the things he does, not you. Once he returns home and calls you, say sorry Dad, I can not be at ur beck and call. Your just too far away and I have a job and a family.

AlvaDeer Jan 2023
Your father should be placed in extended care now. The fact that you have taken him into your home will make that tremendously difficult. Your post will serve as warning to others. Once you take someone into your home, whether they pay rental or they do not, that home is their home, and you have painted yourself into a corner thereby.
I would see an elder law attorney now about evicting your father from your home. You can provide him with placement choices according to his assets and income, but you cannot force him to take that placement if he is unwilling and if he is undiagnosed. Even if diagnosed I can only hope you are not and never become his guardian. Do know that once "home", any "help" you provide will simply enable his bad decisions. A 911 call is as available to this gentleman as it is to any person who never HAD any children to count on. If he must have help of the state for guardianship then that may be the way of it. If your father is hospitalized it is important you tell Social Services that he cannot come to your home, that you cannot care for him, and that they will have to use their own discharge planning to provide him with placement, or rehab and then placement.
If you wish to seek any counseling before beginning the task of unwinding the decisions that have landed this gentleman in your home I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice. Not only are they well versed in life transitions work, but will know what resources you can suggest that may provide your father with the help he needs.
I sure wish you well. This is going to be very difficult. Some things cannot be fixed; some things don't have any real answers at all, and there is only the best that can be done given the circumstance. Good luck.
VictoriaMcD Jan 2023
I believe you are misunderstanding this entire situation. I am his POA. He has a house that he owes a lot of money for, due to poor financial decisions. Such as my much younger brother taking advantage of him or abusing him. But he still has a house to go back to, no need to evict him. I am old enough to be my brother's mother. My father quit talking to me because I told him my brother needed to leave his home in 2017. Then ask me to help him last August.. I have always been good to my father. My father wants to go home. He duped me into taking care of his finances. He is only 75 years old. I am the one being taken advantage of. No doctor has deemed him incapable of caring for himself. Actually, his doctor told him he should be more appreciative, that not many older people have a caring daughter like he does.
mom2mepil Jan 2023
Please take him and his dog home immediately, and let the chips fall where they may. You already learned that taking him into your home is not an option when he needs help again. Please let him go back to the hospital next time he calls 911, and then tell the hospital discharge planner you cannot care for him anymore. This is not a situation that will improve with time. It will only get worse if you let him stay or let him come back. Please, please JUMP on this opportunity to move him back to his own home, as bad as it is, and follow the guidance from the other posters to extricate yourself. If you want to be his POA, then be his POA. If not, then see an elder law attorney to find out how to resign as his POA. But do not, do not, do not keep him in or let him return to your home.
VictoriaMcD Jan 2023
So, in other words, this will force him to go into an assisted living arrangement? He refuses to look into what we've suggested as alternatives, as they wouldn't allow him to hoard duck paraphernalia (decoys, prints, just expensive crap no one needs) and they may not allow a dog that is not obedient. I honestly feel he is depressed because he cannot get on ebay here & isn't surrounded by his "mess". His phone internet doesn't work in the remote forest where we live. I want what is best for him. But he is being stubborn. Adult protective services did get called in early September but they did nothing. Didn't even show up. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Feeling like no matter what I do, I am the bad guy.
NJtoWV Jan 2023
You are not obligated to have a relationship with another adult if it is not healthy for you. This does not sound healthy for you, your husband or your children.
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
I love this statement. It’s so true!
AlvaDeer Jan 2023
I would encourage my father to move back home as he wishes to do, and I would not again have him to my home, nor watch his pets when he is hospitalized.
I would tell your father that he should call the resources available in your area to seniors who do not have family (there are many who never had any children).
Your first obligation is a safe and pleasant environment for your own nuclear family.

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