Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
L
Leena13 Asked December 2022

Feeling bad about not spending time with a loved one getting worse but also not having the heart to see them like that. What do I do?

I’m 21 years old and I haven’t lost anyone in my immediate family yet so this is new to me. My grandpa who was extremely active and outgoing was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and cancer 5-6 years ago and his health has declined very rapidly. My grandparents live with my parents and so do me and my siblings. He went from a walking stick to a walker to now completely immobile within the last few years and his speech has been immensely impacted as well so has his vision. The grandpa I once knew is no longer there and it has been very hard to face that. As his condition is getting worse I know I need to spend time with him or I’ll regret that forever but it kills me to see him in this way. My grandma who is his caregiver and does everything for him has grown to resent him and seeing her talk to him in such a cruel way infuriates me but I also see her pain and cannot blame her. She’s quite old herself too and she’s doing all she can. That still doesn’t mean I can sit there and see all that. I am a full time university student and work around 20 hours which means I have limited time at home to begin with but I know his condition is getting worse and it’s clear that he is in the last few stages of his life. I really want to spend time with him but it emotionally takes a toll on me whenever I see him in this condition. Because just a few years ago he was up and running and it kills me to see how he has become. I have never dealt with death of someone I spent that much time with before and this is the first time so I don’t know how to deal. I feel guilty for not spending time with him but it’s heartbreaking to see him like that. I feel selfish and horrible. I don’t know what to do.

Natasana Dec 2022
I feel for you and your family. My first thought is that your grandmother seems to be burnt out, and could use a break herself. Maybe talk with your parents about getting grandmother some help or looking into other arrangements? This arrangement doesnt seem to be working for her. As for your grandfather, spending time with him doesn't have to be lengthy. If you feel up to it perhaps a hello, a hand on the shoulder. Let him know you're there, so he feels loved. Since you live in the same house you are in a position where you can spend just a couple minutes here and there, in small doses. You've got a busy life and more power to you for attending university and working! You can feel proud of yourself! Your feelings about grandfather seem like grief to me, seeing him change right before your eyes is hard to watch. I think I would feel the same way. Take heart and just know that grandfather may not even remember you visited him, but will remember how you make him feel, even if just for a few minutes at a time. Best wishes.

lealonnie1 Dec 2022
I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position Leena, my heart goes out to you. I'm not sure dealing with the death of a loved one ever gets easy, but the first time we have to encounter such a thing is definitely VERY hard. I don't think you should feel selfish or horrible that you don't want to spend all your spare time with grandpa, especially since it's stressful watching grandma mistreat him. Perhaps you can offer to relieve grandma for a little while and take over FOR her; sit with grandpa and give her a rest once in a while. That will allow you to sit with him, undisturbed by her ugly behavior, and also give her a bit of a break. Just hold his hand and even if he's not very responsive, chances are good he'll know you're there.

Is hospice on board to help grandpa stay comfortable during his end of life journey? I know that helps ME when hospice is there to keep my loved ones pain free and anxiety free so I know they're not suffering.

Remember that you've already spent a lot of quality time with your grandfather since you've been living together, and those are the moments you should focus on. If it upsets you to see him in this deteriorated condition, limit the time you DO spend with him and read him a book so you can focus on the words on the page instead of on his face. I know how hard this whole scenario is, so I'm sending you a hug and a prayer for you to find acceptance with his ultimate passing. It has always helped me to know that once my parents passed, they were free of their wheelchairs and bodily limitations and able to run and dance free again w/o pain or misery of any kind.
Leena13 Dec 2022
The last part really helped. I really hope he is able to go feel free from this because I know how much it has impacted him to be tied down to a wheelchair so suddenly. Thank you so much for your reply that means a lot.

ADVERTISEMENT


cwillie Dec 2022
Before everyone keeps piling on Leena remember, we were all young once too and I doubt any of us were as perfect as we seem to believe we were. I get that this post pushes buttons for a lot of us, but let's be careful not to project our own negative family history onto the OP.
Tagtae Dec 2022
I agree with you and I'm afraid I answered too fast and harsh. Our own history and experience is how we have suggestions and opinions. I'm not saying she is wrong for these feelings I too didn't want to be in the hospital room with hubby at first. Too much overwhelming emotions.

My cousins was not much older than this young lady as they watched their father fight and suffer for 5 yrs with bladder cancer, in and out of hospitals monthly. Lots of pain. This was their first experience with the death side of life. They were there. Yes, they went about their life job school but they were there. They held their father's hand as he took his last breath and their mother was holding him in her arms. What's cool she got a tattoo on her side where he was laying as he past. A flower that represented him.

Im proud of this young lady for reaching out for guidance. It's very scary to ask to help. She is not running or hiding her emotions and she knows she is having trouble. I certainly hope she finds something that gives her strength and peace.
Isthisrealyreal Dec 2022
Leena, as sad and unfortunate as it is, your grandpa has become a burden to your grandma.

I would ask your parents to get grandma some help, even if she says she doesn't want or need it. Her behavior shows she does.

Taking care of another human being is hard. It is more than one person can handle and grandma is slipping her knot and being abusive. Time for their child to intervene.

Please speak with your parents about getting her some help and getting grandpa some meds to help him be more emotionally stable.

Losing our elder loved ones is part of life but, it is really hard to experience, especially the 1st time.

Love him the best way you can, he probably understands more then he can tell you.

ArtistDaughter Dec 2022
When my mom went deep into her Alzheimer's most of the grandchildren found it difficult to visit her and wanted to remember her as they knew her before. I didn't understand, but accepted it. One grandson took over a lot of caregiving for her to relieve me a bit for four months. He was paid of course, but mostly in doing so, he became even closer to her than he had been before. Yes, it was hard at first to witness her memory issues and her inability to run her own life, but he adjusted and I think he got a lot out of the experience. For myself, ten years of caring for her and eventually being her advocate when she had to go into care facilities also gave me insight into her strength of character. At your age no one would expect that you be a caregiver for Grandpa, but because you ask the question of what you should do, means you really care and are hurting over this It's an emotional question you ask. I suggest you change your approach bit by bit and try looking at things from his perspective, and just sit with him. That is if it is relatively safe with the covid thing spreading again right now. Are there ways you could set up some entertainment for him, where you would not have to be there with him, but he would know you are providing it? I can tell you for sure that grandchildren mean so very much to us old ones. The tiniest gesture goes a very long way. And toward Grandma too, who seems to be struggling as well.

cwillie Dec 2022
Guess what, it breaks everyone else's hearts to see their loved ones "that way" too, but maturity means sometimes we end up doing stuff that is difficult and painful. Figure out things you can still do together, get some oversized cards and play some games, bring him a special treat (coffee and a doughnut?) and share it with him, or bring in a take out meal for all of you to enjoy. If he can't be left alone and needs a sitter do your studying there so your grandmother can go out - no need to make conversation at all. Just little things that can make a big difference.
Leena13 Dec 2022
Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it!
I realized I can’t edit my original post but I also wanted to add that I am also suggested to stay away from him due to the fear of passing on any illnesses as my job does require me to interact with hundreds of people everyday. Due to that the past few years I did have to only say hi from the door to his room. I do try to do little activities with him here and there unfortunately he has gotten to the point of very low mobility and is not able to participate in much I still get him little treats every time I go out. I know he is also very sad about his situation as he cries about the past a lot. I think my hardest part is seeing the grandpa I grew up looking at as very stern and strong break down. But you’re right it’s not just me who is struggling to see a loved one suffering. Thank you for your reply I really did need to hear this.
Tynagh Dec 2022
Leena, it's difficult all around: It's difficult to see your grandfather in his current state, it's difficult for him to have to be in his current state, it's hard for your grandmother to care for him, it's hard for your parents to have to live with this. Plus you're likely afraid to see this and be forced to accept it and it's difficult and scary, and frankly, kind of gross to see what happens to the human body over time. You've never dealt with this before and it's going to make you uncomfortable and sad. Go easy on yourself, but visit with him for a little bit. It may be only 15 minutes because he likely may not want to visit for longer than that. Leena, you're in the throes of growing into an adult. You're not selfish, you're not horrible, you are a bit afraid and that's okay...you'll make it through this stage. You can do it.

MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
Dear Leena, it’s hard to cope with this when you are young and very busy, but here are some suggestions – practical but I hope not too harsh.

You are thinking too much about yourself, your emotions, your past experiences, your own sorrow, and your ‘guilt’. Stop. Just view this as something you need to do, for a reason – like organising your time to do an assignment, and getting it in on time. Your reason to visit is to feel that you have done the right thing, and that if possible it has given a little pleasure to your grandfather.

Decide how much time you can give – 15 minutes once a week? Just ‘spending time with him’ is not the point, and it won’t relive the past good times.

My suggestion (based on experience) is to go, sit in a chair beside his bed, hold his hand (stroke or little squeezes too), and talk to him so he hears your voice. Don’t expect him to answer, just hope he knows you are there. You can talk about your own life, or your memories of things you did with him in the past. At one point with my FIL, I read to him poetry that he learned in school. It was an old six bed ward, and some of the other old guys were straining to hear it too, because it was also part of their own childhoods! Then give him a kiss on the cheek, and walk out. Feel good that you have done what you could to help, as well as feeling the sadness of it all. It's hard, but you can cope!

Very best wishes, Margaret
MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
I've read the posts suggesting that you take a hand in organising care for your grandfather. Don't. You are too young, too busy, have no rights or power to intervene, and will get up everyone else's nose if you try to.
KimberlyO Dec 2022
As a sole caregiver for my Dad, who has Alzheimers, let me offer my thoughts-for what they're worth.
Your Grandma has your parents for help and support, but it gets old real quick answering the same questions over and over. It gets old changing diapers and doing laundry for someone who has declined.
As a wonderful Christmas gift this year, would you and your siblings each commit 20 minutes to sit with Grandpa, or take Grandma out/away alone? That would give the caregiver adults (your parents) something to look forward to weekly-especially if you could each offer a time frame (ie. Saturday afternoons, or Sunday morning (so she could attend worship services), or Tuesday morning for coffee (old people often wake early), or Friday evening to watch a particular tv show with him.
It IS a sacrifice, but you could lighten the load of 3 adults and get valuable time with your Grandpa who loves you and sacrificed for you through the years. Try to serve your Grandparents in a way now that you can sleep well and have no regrets later.
You voiced what so many of us feel. I feel selfish for not doing more, listening more, sitting more with my Dad. I have 0 help.

AIDECAST Dec 2022
Hi Leena. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your question is a difficult one to answer and truly tugs at the heart. It sounds like you love your grandpa very much and he must be very proud of you being a full-time university student and working part-time.

Losing someone you love dearly is never easy. Sometimes, we lose loved ones unexpectedly, leaving no opportunity to spend time with them to do all of the things we wish we had did, if we knew they would be gone.

As difficult as it is for you to see your grandfather in his current state, you have the opportunity to just hold his hands, be with him, and talk with him before it's too late. Make him laugh, share stories with him that reminds him how special you are and how much you love him as your grandfather. Your love for him is strong and of course you do not wish to see him suffering, but you will certainly regret not spending time with him at this time. Showing your grandmother your love for him might also help her understand that his conditions were not his choice.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to be by his side or not for the remainder of his life . But no matter what you decide to do, your decision will always be the right one, as it is yours and only yours to make.

Be strong.

See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter