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MattyWelch Asked October 2022

How do you have "the talk" with your siblings when you're not the main caretaker of your parents?

My mother is 98, going to turn 99 in December. She still lives at home by herself, and drives to the grocery store and hairdresser, which I think is kind of crazy at this point. My brother is her sole caregiver since he lives closest, but he only sees her on the weekends and odd days during the week when she needs to get somewhere she's not comfortable driving to. In my opinion, especially with the forced isolation of Covid, her self-care capacity has gone downhill. Yesterday she called and said she couldn't cut her toenail and wondered about getting a pedicure appointment. She's going to research that with her hairdresser next time she goes. I asked her if my brother couldn't just do that for her, and she said oh no, not at all. My brother has always been a little off, never dated, and never married. Even when we were kids he struck me as being odd, but if I said anything I'd just get a whack from Mom. I think he's on the autism spectrum, but nobody thought of that in the 1960s. I'm just concerned that Mom might be failing, but he's not able to think far enough ahead to make sure she's got proper care. He's always done exactly what she's told him to do, so if she says she doesn't need help I'm afraid he's going to just take that at face value. Anyway, I've been reading so much on this website and it's helped tremendously understanding the process of getting help as you age, for yourself and for your loved ones trying to take care of you. I was trying to compile an email with a link to this website to send to my brother and my sister who lives far away as well. Then I realized that it might be taken wrong, as questioning what my brother was doing. I mean, I live too far away, what am I going to do? I can't pay for in-home care, I can't provide any care for my mother, so really what's the point of me getting involved? I want to reach out to my brother and just say I'm here if he needs anything, but really what help can I provide? Has anyone else felt out of the loop and uncomfortable asking how things are going?

Llamalover47 Oct 2022
MattyWelch: If you decide to get in home care for your mother, you don't use YOUR financials to foot the bill, but her's.

Countrymouse Oct 2022
What set you wondering about this is that your mother said she'd ask at the hairdresser about getting a pedicure.

Doesn't that indicate that your mother is capable of seeking what help she needs when she needs it? If you'd like to meet her half way, look up some podiatrists local to her and put her in touch with them.

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lealonnie1 Oct 2022
You know what I would do in your shoes? Tell brother & mother both that you are available to help them set up care services if such services are needed; in home caregivers, food delivery, car service, etc. You'd be happy to do what you can from long distance over the internet. You are also available as a sounding board to vent to or just to talk, any time, day or night. Then I'd let the rest of this GO, literally. Whatever issues your brother has or doesn't have is irrelevant, really. He is who he is and your mother is fully aware of any deficits he may or may not have; she knows him and deals with him beautifully, and vice versa. If he's eating her half-cooked pizza, they're 2 peas in a pod, in truth. Be thankful they have one another, and that you're far away and don't have to deal with the mother you have never gotten along well with. That is a blessing to be out of the loop, in this instance, imo.

Don't fix what isn't broken, that's my 2 cents on this subject :) I have no doubt the two of them would be on the horn in a minute calling YOU if there was truly a need to. There isn't. Roll with it.

Tothill Oct 2022
Matty,

You care, that is clear in your post.

Septic systems are very expensive to replace. I was in a similar situation with Dad, but he was not having it pumped, he was just letting the tank overflow, for 10 years. 3 years ago I started getting it pumped every 5 months or so at a cost of $5-600 each time.

The system was replaced this year at a cost of $35,000.

There is not much you can do.

When the pizza was served under cooked, the family should have pointed it out to Mum and put it back into the oven. If that would have triggered Mum, that is a sign that cognitively she is not doing very well. Hiding the mistakes just reaffirms the senior's certainty that they are doing OK.
lealonnie1 Oct 2022
Reminds me of my old Nissan Stanza wagon car which I refused to replace when it needed a part replaced to the tune of a few thousand $$$$. All I needed to do was carry around a case of power steering fluid in my hatchback and fill up the well when it was low. Voila. Everyone used to laugh at me when they'd see me with the car hood up and filling the reservoir with fluid, but hey, I had the last laugh b/c I extended the life of my car by several years before buying a new car (which turned out to be a lemon!)
ConnieCaretaker Oct 2022
What can you offer????
How about you move closer (maybe a month - month rental or a room in someone's home) and help by visiting and taking her on errands? You're only out of the loop if you don't participate.
MyaMama Oct 2022
Many people can't afford to do something like that or have life circumstances that prevent that type of involvement.
Tynagh Oct 2022
Your mom sounds as if she is quite competent and asking her beautician for a recommendation for a nail tech is a good idea, though you may want to ask her if she would prefer to see a podiatrist. Assuming that your brother is weird because didn't marry is not only singalist, it's presumptive and quite snobby. I suppose he turn it around and say, "oh, my sibling is such a bore...just someone who couldn't deal with life on his/her own and had to attach to someone and spawn." (See not nice when the shoe is on the other foot). Any you say you live far away...well, there's just a thing as transportation (car, train, plane) to arrange for visits to assess her well being in person. Short of that you seem a bit judgey without any involvement.

RedVanAnnie Oct 2022
Why do you need "a talk" with your brother at all? It sounds like your mother is doing quite well. Why are you expecting her to fail? Being 98 or 99 does not mean she is incompetent. Why are you assuming that COVID isolation has impaired her ability to take care of herself?

Her plan to consult her hairdresser about a pedicure resource is a reasonable idea. Or she might find a Podiatrist on her own. Podiatrists routinely do foot and nail care on older patients. It sounds as though your brother checks on her regularly and that she knows how to ask him for rides or help when she needs to. She and your brother do not need "a talk."

BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Matty,

Count it a blessing that you don't have to be responsible for your mother in her dotage.
From what you say here she still seems to have it together pretty well and can make logical choices for herself.
Maybe she would be onboard with getting someone to come in and "help" here a few hours a week. Like with errands, appointments, housekeeping, etc... It would be a bit of companionship for her during the week when your brother isn't over there.
Also, don't assume that your brother is "on the spectrum" because he doesn't fit in the box you think he should. That's the new trendy nonsense for anyone who isn't exactly like what everyone else thinks they should be. His never having dated or married really has little to do with anything. I have a good friend who is a nice-looking man, highly educated with a doctotate in one field and a separate master's degree in a different one. He's very successful, owns his own home, lots of friends and lives a good life. He never dated or married because he was simply never interested in sex or dating. There are such people as this. They are called A-sexual and this does not put them on the autism spectrum.

MargaretMcKen Oct 2022
Matty, the uncooked second pizza made me think of a mistake I made when I was young and stupid. My school friend told me how to cook something gently by putting it into the hot oven after it was turned off. Memory says it was meringues. Her home had a well-insulated electric oven, mine had a gas oven. Guess what? My cooking was not a great success! I wonder if mother had a different oven when she was younger?

JoAnn29 Oct 2022
Your going to need to wait until something actually happens.

Mom should go to a Podiatrist to get her toenails done. Medicare pays for every 10 wks. As we age our nails get thicker and harder to cut. Nurses are not even allowed to cut toenails. If nicked it can cause infections.

Fawnby Oct 2022
Actually you’re lucky to be out of the loop! Count your blessings. Since you seem to feel some responsibility, research some agencies and care facilities in their area so that you’ll be ready when things crash. Check if there’s a Meals on Wheels that you can call when mom needs meal help. See if there is a volunteer driving service in her area for the time when she can’t drive herself to doctors and hairdresser. Find a hospice that seems to incorporate your values. An adult day care might be a good thing to investigate. If you need to manage these from far away, you can. but wait for “The Call” before putting anything in motion.

Daughterof1930 Oct 2022
Sounds like it’s time for a visit to see for yourself how things really are with mom. Hearing an update on the phone may be very accurate or things may be far different in person. Go spend a few days, get a better feel for how mom is functioning. I remember my dad staying overnight with my grandmother and asking her to make him pancakes for breakfast just so he could see how she’d do with the task (she did great) See how the finances are being handled, how the home condition is, mom’s cleanliness, etc. Talk with brother about how he’s doing with being the sole caregiver. Hopefully you’ll learn a lot and find ways to offer support
MattyWelch Oct 2022
Going there in person would be the logical thing to do, but my mother and I have never gotten along. I can't even imagine questioning her about anything, that would just make her mad. I know that things are going downhill because her whole family came to visit in June. She insisted on making pizza. One was fine, the other one was barely cooked. My daughter and I managed to throw ours away without being seen, but my brother actually ate it all up! Didn't seem to notice a thing. That was quite worrying to me. I think what happened was mom turned the oven off after the first pizza, and so the oven wasn't even on for the second one. My mother is cognitive enough to make sure that I know nothing about finances. She would go into a rage if I ever asked her about it. The septic tank at her house has been out of commission for years, so she just gets someone to pump it every four months! She could've used that money to fix the whole thing, but with her logic no, she's going to drop dead and it's going to be somebody else's problem. Ours of course, but she thinks it's going to be the buyers problem. It would be too "messy" to get it fixed. My brother is very touchy too, he hates to be questioned especially when it comes to what he's doing for Mom. She is his dominion, basically. I guess I've answered my own question, the only thing I can do is be available if needed, and wait for something big to happen. Of course by then it will be awfully late in the day to start thinking about nursing homes or caregiving. But that's the way they want it, so I guess I should just stay out of it.
MattyWelch Oct 2022
Well, that's certainly a good point. I tend to be the one who likes to research things and call people. So that's probably my superpower, even though I can't do anything else for them. I'm just concerned that there's a lot going on that I don't know about, but I suppose ignorance is bliss. If I don't know about it, then it's not my problem to solve.

MargaretMcKen Oct 2022
Matty, your mother and brother are doing remarkably well, considering their situations and issues. Of course it will end with mother’s eventual death. However mother may be one of the elders who would prefer to die at home, no matter what the circumstances, rather than give up what independence she has left. If she is making sensible plans for toenail cutting, the chances are that she is legally competent and cannot be forced into a facility against her will.

Perhaps the best thing would be to make it clear to each of them that if they decide they want more help, you are willing to help with investigations, choices and support – even if you can’t be there with them all the time.

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