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carpeannum Asked August 2022

Mother called police on my husband over a piece of wood. Any advice?

Preface this with my Mother hates my husband (she has never liked anyone having a relationship with me). Mother is living with us until she finds another apartment (It's been over three months now). She left her apartment because she said she couldn't live there any longer (claims harassment by management and the apartment had mold issues). She is section 8. She says she's going to be getting something soon. Recently my Mother (I'm ill with flu at the time) called the police over a piece of wood the hubs had cut. My mother saw it, thought it was some kind of weapon and called the police to say she didn't feel safe. When the police came, they basically said it was nonsense. This isn't the first time she called the police for not feeling 'safe' in my home. The last time she locked herself out of her room and blamed the hubs. At that point she started screaming at him and following him all over the house lambasting him. Police were called, same response. Both times the police suggested calling adult protective services (and having her evicted). I haven't acted as I feel obligated as a daughter, but I also know nothing is ever good enough, right or 'safe' enough for her. This is above and beyond her narcissistic personality (long story on that). I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be around her because of how she acts. I'm continuously anxious. The fact that she has tried to have my hubs arrested twice for alleged abuse is beyond belief. I'm pretty passive and I kind of ignore the behavior and after a day, she's talking to me like nothing happened. The hubs wants to report her. She talks about us behind my back to family (my son, my grand-niece). She's done this to them as well (why she is back in Texas instead of Florida). Any suggestions, help, advice will be helpful. Thank you all for listening.

lkdrymom Aug 2022
This is so unfair to your husband. Being passive and assuming it will all blow over is wrong on so many levels. Someone will be leaving your home, just don't be surprised when it is your husband.

AndreaD54 Aug 2022
You obviously love your mother and there are times when she is lucid and behaves well in your home. However, things don't seem to be getting better, she seems either manipulative or genuinely frightened of things that happen. Like the piece of wood, she obviously thought she was in danger and thought she needed help. I am wondering if t here is another way that this can be resolved.
I don't know, it happened to me when I was only 13 I was so jealous of my sisters boyfriend he had taken away my only friend, my sister and I couldn't understand. Any way it was resolved I don't know the full way it was resolved but it was resolved. I can't say I am enamoured to my sisters now husband army bloke and very aggressive to his children but...
Perhaps there is a way that they can resolve their differences, and can find a common understanding that they each like, like I don't know football, or a team or a meal they both like. Its a long shot, but that thinking outside the box and batting for the wrong side always is a long shot.
You seem compassionate and yes passive, I wonder if you could sit down with your husband and ask him how he feels about the situation, and ask him if he thinks there is a common ground that they can some how meet in the future.
Does your mother dislike him through, perhaps jealously that he took away her daughter, or that he wasn't good enough for you? perhaps this is where the resolve could be made.
Say to her, look at the flowers OH gave me today, or look what OH has done today? making her see that OH your husband is okay guy and not the threat she sees him as.
Just a thought, may be worth a shot, good luck and hugs hope you are okay xxx A

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MeDolly Aug 2022
Give her 60 days notice to move out to a section 8 apartment. Set a boundary and stick to it.

I am shaking my head, your mother hates your husband so you move her in your home? There is something wrong here.

You are the problem, not your mother or your husband. Take back your power show your husband that he is your priority. You need to get your head out of the sand, your attitude IMO is beyond passive.

JoAnn29 Aug 2022
I would find out why section 8 has not found her another place to live. She may be lying to you. Tell them they must find her a place to live even if its a hotel. That in the 3 months she has called the police almost as many times and even the police have found her ridiculous. Your husband wants her gone. She is disrupting your household. When she moves, do not let her back. Section 8 or Social Services can always find her a safe place.

Fawnby Aug 2022
Husband first. Mommy second. Husband first. Mommy second. Husband first. Mommy second. Repeat this magic mantra once every waking hour and it will eventually become part of your psyche. Soon you’ll wish you’d started this self-therapy on your wedding day.

kkkkayt44 Aug 2022
Don't just passively wait for this to escalate. Develop a plan for her to move within 90 days. Involve others who are resources, clergy, aging resources, mental health as needed. You will need to plan on hearing lots of drama but at least there is an end in sight.

Hopeforhelp22 Aug 2022
Hi Carpean - so you stated in your post that, "I'm pretty passive and I kind of ignore the behavior and after a day, she's talking to me like nothing happened." Well, it's good that you've acknowledged and realize that you're being passive in this ....and your mother is controlling the narrative in your own home - she gets away with bad behavior and acts as if nothing happened later - that's gas lightening. And if you're ignoring the behavior, as you said, then you're only setting yourself up for potentially worse behavior or ramifications from her down the road in your own home.
The writing is already on the wall - and you're fortunate that in two police visits, nothing resulted from it...but if it continues, the police may not be so forgiving ....who knows if next time, your mother doesn't exaggerate a scenario to them about being harmed, and then you and your husband will be on the defensive and potentially in jeopardy. Maybe next time, the police won't view what she claims as "nonsense"...why take the chance? If they keep getting called, it's not a good look.

My advice is - do not wait for your mother to make plans for her departure in finding a new apartment....you need to be way more proactive and vigilant in helping to find her a place - she states that "she's going to be getting something soon"....well, that sounds very vague to me - what does "soon" mean and how does she know? Have you asked her? What steps has she taken in looking for a place? Are there unanswered questions?

And how ungrateful of her to speak about you and your husband behind your backs to other family members. You need to spin this into something positive and exciting to your mother regarding finding a new apartment for her - and put your energies into making that happen - or you'll just continue feeling uncomfortable in your own home - and the more time that she's there, she'll become all too comfortable!

lealonnie1 Aug 2022
Your mother hates your husband, so you invite her to come live with you??? And now she's calling the police on the man for having a piece of wood in his own home? What's wrong with this picture?? You're sitting around "passively" while mother is wreaking havoc in your home and with your husband's life, for petesake! This situation is grossly unfair to your husband, not to mention ridiculous by anyone's standards. Even the police are telling you that. Follow their advice, that's my suggestion, and show your husband the respect he deserves in his own home!

BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Your mother is only going to get the help she needs if you get her out of your home.

Stop allowing her destructive mental illness to destroy your relationship with your husband.

Some folks are beyond the help of "mere mortals". They need doctors, mental health professionals and a secure environment in order to live safely.

Geaton777 Aug 2022
This arrangement isn't fair to your husband. Your mother sounds like she's been mentally ill during your lifetime. Now she may also have dementia. Neither will go away on its own, or not exist if you ignore it.

Please help her to transition out of your home asap. Yes, evict her if necessary. She's creating chaos in your home and you're allowing it. Your spouse and marriage has priority, please protect it with a clear boundary by moving her out.

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