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Justsotired Asked August 2022

How do I start the conversation with my mother about AL and respite?

I am the sole caretaker of my 98 year old mother. She has lived with my husband and I for about 20 years. She was very independent (driving, shopping, etc.) up until about 7 ago when her health went downhill. Lots of pain from spinal stenosis and arthritis, bone on bone knee pain. She walks with a walker around the house, but goes nowhere except doctor appts. She fell and broke her hip a year ago, had surgery but hasn’t been the same since. She can go to the bathroom herself, but I have to help her with a lot of little things such as baths, putting her shoes on, putting in hearing aids, opening things as her fingers are numb and she constantly is dropping things. I make her meals, as she can’t reach the microwave and I worry about her using the oven and stove. After her surgery, I pretty much went nowhere as she was deathly afraid of falling again. I have just started going out for an hour or so close by to run an errand or two. Nine times out of ten, there was some kind of issue that happened while I was gone. She had considered AL several years ago, when she was in better shape, even put a deposit on one, then changed her mind and requested her deposit back. That’s another story for another time LOL. Anyway, I have the chance to take a cruise and would love to go as I haven’t been on a vacation in 10 years. My mother always says she knows it’s because of her that I can’t take a vacation. I have no family to help and she would not want strangers in. I want to bring up the topic of respite care at a lovely AL nearby, but she had such a bad experience in the NH rehab when she broke her hip last year I don’t think she would consider it. She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again. I try to explain that AL is different from NH, but she won’t hear of it. I actually think AL would do her good as she would have peers to talk with, she always says she has no one to talk to except me and she knows she drives me crazy as all she talks about is her health, pills, etc. I’m just afraid pretty soon she will not be eligible for AL and would have to go straight to NH. At 98 she still has her mental faculties, gets a little confused from time to time and repeats herself, but on the whole is with it.


Basically, I guess what I am asking is how do I get over my guilt (I know, I know) and broach the subject of respite? She has lived with me for so long, I think she would have separation anxiety.


BTW, she has the finances to move to AL but she says it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to me. She has been saving her money “so in case I have to go to a nursing home some day”.

JoAnn29 Aug 2022
You need to go on this cruise and she needs to go to the AL.

You may want to take her to the one you plan on placing her. Have lunch or dinner there. This way she will see an AL is not a Rehab. I would be firm that you are going on the cruise and she will be going to the AL for the time you are gone. Tell her you love her but you need this time for yourself.

I was going to a nieces wedding 8 hours away. She had it at a resort. My Mom was in her mid to late stage of Dementia living with me for almost 2 yrs. Taking her to this wedding was not even considered. I needed this time away. So I went to an AL up the street to find out if they did respite care. They did and...were having a half off sale on room and board. With her care included, I could keep her there a year with hopes the house would sell for a second year. So instead of respite I moved her in. She adapted well and had more freedom than in my split level house. So, ur Mom may find out that she likes the place and stay.

You need to do this for yourself. I would place Mom a couple of Days before the cruise so u can pack and a couple of days after the cruise to rest up. If the cruise is a week, keep Mom at the AL for 2 weeks. Give yourself the break you need.

MeDolly Aug 2022
She won't die by giving AL 7-8K per month, she is gaslighting you. Also, it is up to you to plan for your future, the money she has is to be used for her.

My mother is 97, lived on her own until she was 94, in the mountains of NC, you had to be a billy goat to get inside of her house. For 10 years my brother & I tried to get her to move to Fl and AL, nope.

She had a slight stroke became afraid to stay alone at night, we gave her an ultimatum, we finally had her where we needed her to be.

Scooped her up, placed her in AL near us. She loves it, has friends her own age, lots of activities, she even teaches chair exercises, she is a big gun there! Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago!" Geesh!

Take your vacation, give her no option, time for you to take your life back, she is being selfish, and you are self-imposing guilt on yourself for no reason. You are imaging what will happen creating thoughts that are perceived, not confirmed.

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MJ1929 Aug 2022
Don't ask -- TELL -- Mom that you're going on vacation. TELL her you've arranged for her to go to the AL during that time, and TELL her she'll be fine.

This will also help get her acclimated to having help from others, too, so once you get back you can hire in-house assistance if you want.

Midkid58 Aug 2022
Well, at age 98 if she has been saving for a rainy day--hon, it's pouring right now!

It sounds as if you have good relationship with her, open and honest. That's a start. Simply talk to her as you did in your post and explain that you love her, but you really, really need a break. Talk to her about the time frame (are you thinking about making the AL a permanent thing?) and move forward.

Tell her you want her to spend her money on herself, not you.

And--NO GUILT. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong and you haven't and aren't going to!

PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
She is weaponizing suicide. That cannot be allowed. You have gone 10 years without a break. Obviously you need one.

Tell her this is the best option. You’ll come get her after, after which she can resume being a burden to you. The other choice is that she is moved in permanently.

againx100 Aug 2022
You will just have to be assertive and tell her what's going to happen. Yes, she will not like it and may have separation anxiety. But YOU deserve to have a life too so take a deep breath and DO IT.

DO not tell her in advance. I would tell her the day before as you help her pack her bags. Telling my mom anything earlier just leads to more and more questions, etc.

Tell her very clearly that you do not want her money. You need your life now and not waiting until something happens like another fall or her death.

Tandemfun4us Aug 2022
We had a situation where we had to leave my mom. I told her I was going with my husband and that I needed to find her a safe place to stay until we got back. She wanted a in home caregiver but I told her that wasn’t as safe and private and I needed to have peace of mind. The price of the in home help was greater than a facility. I made appointments at a few places and mom started to resist. I got upset and told her that she was breaking my heart if she was asking me to choose between her and my husband. My husband came in and asked her to please agree because he loves me and wants to take me on this special trip. My mom agreed and we set up the appointments. The first one was a 1 bedroom and had great ratings. Mom was so impressed and kept saying this was not what she expected. She moved right in (seize the moment). Because she is not social, I got a “friend” (visiting angel) to get her acclimated and show her around and get her in the social scene that she liked (music, animals). After 6 weeks, she was all in! She didn’t want to leave because it was so nice to have independence and her privacy. Now, I will admit living with me probably wasn’t that easy. i had her on a schedule that sometimes went well and other times didn’t because she resisted eating or drinking enough. We are a praying family and my husband and i prayed for mom to receive this if it was His will for her and us. I was so happy she changed her mind to stay and now she has been there 2 years. There are tax breaks for her if she itemizes even though she is self-pay. The facility will evaluate her and if she is unable to do ADL’s (3 min) that care will be deductible (keep up on the IRS rules so you don’t miss this). I know you are starting this as respite but it was less expensive to do this as the typical month to month rental. ALSO, ask the facility “what does mom have to do to get kicked out?” Ask, what happens if mom refuses the services you are paying for?”, ask what is their communication to the responsible party. I have a durable POA and am her Health Care Surrogate for mom. I finally ended up getting mom private care a few days a week to help her with showers, lotions and hair fixing. She bonded with the caregiver and it was quality care for 4 hours at a time. The facility care wasn’t cutting it and I was saving money with the private caregiver. The facility dispenses her medications. She loves the food, the ladies she sits with during meals and her private apartment. I am now her daughter and advocate and she is in the village of care that works. I take her to dental, derm and eye appointments and her doctor goes to that facility. (Check to see if her doctor is a doc to a facility). Mom’s place is not expensive and I am okay with that because the private care adds up but getting her room/board/medication at a less expensive price was agreeable to her (she wanted to know) and she never knew the private care was more. I handle all of her bills and it has been doable and a blessing. It is hard at the beginning but moving forward is the only way you can get the space you need and the space your mom didn’t know she needed. I did get her a Alexa Show so I can drop in and she can call me and we talk face to face. I call her daily but only see her weekly.

NinjaWarrior3 Aug 2022
Your mother says, "it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to" you.

Well, that IS giving the money to you, in a way. It gives YOU the ability to have some peace.

Deb555 Aug 2022
Would you hesitate to leave your children with a babysitter so you could go out with your husband? I am guessing the answer would be "no". So do not guilt yourself over sending Mom to respite care. You want to honor her by providing the best care possible. Sometimes that means letting go and having others help.

Kristen2037 Aug 2022
I’ve been touring nursing homes for my mother recently. At one of them, they told me that one of their clients stays there for a month every summer when her family goes away. She happens to love it!

It seems like your Mom needs more than AL.

I would look into NH respite stay for your vacation.

However, it seems like she needs a lot more care/help long-term, more than what an AL will provide. I would think about whether you can continue doing what you’re doing in house. Her needs aren’t the only ones that should be taken into consideration.

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