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Becky45 Asked April 2022

If your loved one has shadowing really bad, how hard will it be for them when they go into a NH?

I have finally signed to put husband in NH. I feel it will be better for him and me. He is in late stage 6 Alzheimer's early onset. I am so tired mentally and physically. He follows me everywhere. He does go to day care 2 days a week. They say he does fine.

Geaton777 Apr 2022
You don't really have any other options. He'll be fine and the social exposure and activities will be great for him. My friend's wife was doing the same. He was very devoted to her and refused to alter his 100% hands-on, in-home caregiving of her even though she was relentlessly shadowing him, checking his phone and laptop, asking about everyone he spoke to in person and on the phone. It was driving him to drink and to depression. He finally realized that if something happened to his health, she would wind up in a facility anyway. He hired a nurse to start coming in, a little at a time. His wife of course rejected this at first but eventually adjusted to her and accepted her as a companion. She is now in a facility and doing as well as can be expected and my friend has his life and health back. May you receive refreshment of spirit and peace in your heart!

Becky45 Apr 2022
Thank you ALL for your support. We have been married 47 years. He was the Boy next door I didn't really like him at first but I had 6 brothers so he was at our house all the time. I love him so much even through he isn't the man I knew. I feel bad about putting him in but I know it's the best for him and me. As you said it's time to take care of me. He has had early onset Dementia for almost 10 years. (he is 64) the last 2 he has gone down fast he has all the systems of stage 6 Alzheimer's and some of 7. I'm strong most of the time but then I start having doubts. I am glad I found this app. it has helped me to make it this long. I have learned so much and I have shared much of what I have learned with others. Thanks again. Oh, he will get some lab test next week and if all paper work is complete he will go in NH soon.
MarleysMom May 2022
I think your husband will do better in a NH as the structure is different. There are other people/activities that can provide a different focus. I think that being the PC at home creates an environment for the shadowing. I can understand your situation as it is similar to mine. Younger onset, husband is 58yo and in stage 5, diagnosed in 2020 but signs were there much longer, at least 6 years. His shadowing is mostly when I am in the kitchen so related to food, but is starting to get worse during the afternoon/evening. Take care of you now.

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funkygrandma59 Apr 2022
I think it's a good sign that he does well at the Adult Day Care without you there. You should be encouraged by that. Hopefully he will do just as good once he's placed in the NH. He will adjust in time.
It's time to take care of yourself now. You're just as important as he is.
Wishing you the best.

Stukinlodi May 2022
Wow.tha is for familiarizing me with the term shadowing my patient started shadowing me about 6 months ago and I've been caregiving for him for about 4 years I thought it was bad the first 4 years after he started shadowing me I thought it was going to go crazy he would stand on my door all night he would stand in the bathroom hallway so that he could constantly keep an eye on me coming in or out of my room and every time I open the door he would call me or get mad at something or just talk to me ask me something that would require me to walk up to him and when I did he would continue talking and talking and talking so that I wouldn't be able to leave this went on even on my days off boy is that a difficult situation I can understand why 40% of caregivers die before the person they're taking care of thanks for sharing
BurntCaregiver May 2022
Never allow a shadowing habit to establish itself. It's hard to prevent and sometimes a caregiver has to be a little tough to make sure it doesn't.
I could never tolerate this behavior because I have never allowed a client to ever establish a shadowing habit with me. How you stayed on such a job for years is beyond me. You did not leave on your days off?
I had a position years ago that was a four days on, three days off live-in. It was the only live-in assignment I ever took because I do not take live-in work. The money was so good and the accommodations were very nice.
I knew an old-school CNA who at that time was my age today. She warned me about letting a shadowing habit form and how to prevent it. I did what she said and stayed on that job about a year. I didn't like living at work so I left.
The other aide who did the other three days in the week, was going crazy because the client wouldn't leave her alone. She had to move a couch into the client's room and sleep there because the shadowing was so bad. She had to keep a chair outside the bathroom door so the client could be there while she used the toilet. The client had to be in the bathroom while she showered. She would get hysterical, cry, shake, and hyperventilate if she wasn't. I didn't have this problem with her.
The family put a gate in front of her bedroom door so she couldn't wander at night. Her room was secured as was the rest of the house. I checked on her twice a night to toilet her if needed. That was it. The other aide was going in there every five minutes all night long. Not me. Bedtime was 8pm. I made sure she had a snack and a drink in her room, then I'm off duty until it's toileting time. If I needed to get something done or needed a break from her for a little while during the day, I'd put her in her room with a snack and the tv on. She'd yell, cry, command, swear and threaten which i would just ignore. This went on for about a month then stopped. She got used to me coming in only twice a night to bring her to the bathroom. She got used to watching tv in her room during the day at times. Never allow a shadowing habit to establish itself.
Grandma1954 May 2022
He will adjust.
He will find another "safe" person to shadow, follow. It might be a staff member or it might be a fellow resident.
He will most likely center his focus then on this new person that is there for him.
Becky45 May 2022
Thanks, your answers makes me feel better.
CaregiverL May 2022
Welcome to the club of burnt 🥵 out caregivers. They will give him meds if he gets really bad. Just don’t cave in to him begging you to bring him back home 🏡. I know that he will try. Just be strong 💪. One day at a time. It will be an adjustment for both of you. Hugs 🤗

PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
He wont like it, but he will adjust, giving you, too, time to adjust.

TChamp May 2022
Probably the same or worse at the beginning while adjusting. The dementia can only go in one direction, dowhill.

swanalaka May 2022
Becky, Welcome to this site. So many of us have been helped and supported here. Glad to have you aboard.
Sounds like you have done well getting everything set up. Your dear husband (DH) will adjust to his new home. And you will also adjust to your new home situation.
Best of luck to you both.

BurntCaregiver May 2022
How does he do at daycare when you aren't there with him? Ask the daycare center employees what he's like there.
Shadowing is a hard habit to break. Caregivers and family should never allow this habit to establish.
Your husband will have an adjustment period when he gets admitted to the nursing home. In the meantime, try to break the shadowing habit. Increase daycare to four, five, or even six days a week if you can. Being away from you for longer periods of time now will make his transition period in the nursing home easier.

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