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Betsy1364 Asked October 2021

What can I do about my father being moved against his will to an assisted living center?

4 of my living siblings moved my father to an assisted living facility without my knowledge and/or consent. To add insult to injury, this occurred while I was at an aunt's funeral 5 hours from home. My father is standing at his window banging on it and crying that he wants to go home. I can't get to him fast enough..... I don't know what I can do when I get there.

dseag2 Oct 2021
I don't want to sound insensitive, but if your father is in need of constant care I think you should be glad he was moved to AL. My mother didn't want to go either but I knew I couldn't take care of her (and I'm an only child) so there wasn't a choice. She sat at her table in her house, crossed her arms and said she wasn't going be she ultimately enjoyed it, and now that she is in hospice it is a godsend.

As others have said, if 4 out of 5 siblings determined he should go to AL are you refusing to accept that he needs it? Is this just because you weren't involved in the decision? Also, the very pertinent question was asked as to who is paying for this? If it is your siblings or from his own finances that should be a good thing for you.

Midkid58 Oct 2021
Did your sibs do this BECAUSE you were out of town?

Only if you hold POA can you really have much of a say in this. I have zero say in my mother's care, and HAVE to 'obey' YB's choices. Mom is not incapable of making decisions, she makes poor ones and obeys YB blindly. My voice is silent, as are the voices of the others.

4/5 sibs think this is the best route to go. You must have your reasons for not wanting dad in care.

Have you cared for him 24/7 before? No judgment, but it's a brutal job.

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JoAnn29 Oct 2021
My question I would ask is how close did you live to Dad. People on this forum have gone out of state to pick up a patent to live with them only to find their decline was a lot worse then led to believe. They find out that they can't do the care for whatever reason so an AL is chosen.

4 out of 5 children feel Dad needs 24/7 care. The AL evaluates for level of care. If Dementia is involved, it very hard to care for someone.

One of your siblings probably has POA. Don't think the AL will release Dad to you if POA is in effect. If Dad is has been found incompetent, then he can't make the decision to leave.

GardenArtist Oct 2021
Beyond the important and relevant issues raised by Barb and Alva, I'm wondering where the funds to pay for AL will come from.   If someone does have proxy authority, I assume that person would draw down on your father's funds.    If you know, are there sufficient funds to pay for AL?   Are other actions being undertaken to generate funds, such as plans to sell his house?     

What illnesses does your father have?   And what was the justification for removing him from his home?

AlvaDeer Oct 2021
The important question firstly is who is the POA for your Father, or his Conservator or his Guardian?
Is your Father diagnosed with dementia?
What problems was your father having at his home living alone (assuming that he DID live alone).
I am sorry, but we need a lot more information. If you have four siblings who agree that your father needs 24/7 care, and if they have POA there may be little that you can do other than visit with your Dad.
I hope you will be able to provide us with more information regarding your unique situation with your Dad.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2021
Welcome, Betsy.

Who has been caring for your dad up until now? Do you have a good ideas what his day to day needs are?

Unless one of your siblings has guardianship, or unless your dad is in a locked Memory care unit, he is free to leave the AL and live at his home with your care.

However, I would caution you against suggesting that course of action until you see just how much care he needs and whether you alone are capable of taking it on.

Are there funds for in-home caregivers?

Will you be giving up a job, your own home, your retirement?

We hear many sad stories on here of folks who gave up a great deal to care for an elderly parent, only to be left jobless, homeless and broke at the parent's death. Please plan carefully.

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