I had cared for my parents for years. They had best. My only sibling doesnt think i do enough and took it upon himself to call my parents doctor and tell them he is finding second opinions and switching them drs. I was primary POA as far as i knew but i guess he is secondary and can do this. My folks are in 80's and 90's. Mother has a complex mental health history and father has complex issues too with dementia. My mom has somehow made my sibling who lives in different state believe all she said during recent visit. She has a history of lying and manipulating to get her way. I feel betrayed, used. I no longer want POA for either and want to nullify it. Leaving him to care for them despite they live in diff states and me out of picture for good. Sibling and I own home parents stay in legally. What are recommendations for a clean divorce from thus situation? Elder law attny?
Real estate attorney can help you remove yourself from the joint home ownership. In my state you can't be forced to own part of a home you don't want. The options are partition where the house is sold and you each get your share, or the other person buying you out.
Removing yourself physically from the care of a disabled elder could result in abandonment charges if not done correctly. An elder care attorney can help you navigate the kind of advanced notice to your sibling required and other things I'm sure I can't think of to protect you from charges of abandonment.
Similar question already asked.
I can understand that you're hurt and feel betrayed, but think about this and whether you're proposing a change b/c of what your mother may have said, and apparently can't be verified, and/or b/c of your brother's action.
Just b/c your brother plans to call the doctors and tell them he's getting second opinions, and that they're for all purposes fired doesn't mean he can do so. It does reflect an apparent gut response to whatever he feels is wrong,
In addition, does he plan to return to your parent's home and take them to new doctors? Does he have access to all their medical records? Does he think he's going to get free assessments from medical records? If he wants a medical review, w/o your parents' being seen, he'll have to pay for it, probably at a rate similar to that for a medical records subpoena. And it isn't going to be cheap.
Who's helping your parents with their finances?
You also need to determine for sure whether or not your brother is secondary under the POA, whether it's legal/financial or medical, and whether or not it's a springing POA. "Guessing" isn't good enough.
There are a lot of moving parts to this scenario; if you plan to carry out your intentions, I'd see an attorney to address the issue of first and second, or joint, or whatever arrangement exists in the POA.
listed first and he is second. It reads that co attorneys can exercise authority independent of one another. I take that to mean we are both listed equal. I have begun process of having my attny look into this.
When LOs slide into dementia they can believe (and broadcast) some pretty crazy stuff about those closest to them. A mature person who has a firm understanding of dementia behaviors will learn they must let this water roll off them because it is the disease talking.
Because your brother doesn’t live with them he doesn’t see or understand that what your mom is telling him isn’t accurate. I don’t know how to convince him but it may not be worth a huge drama and estrangement.
If your mother has a medical diagnosis of dementia by her doctor in her records, this is helpful proof, but if your brother doesn’t know anything about dementia then he’ll unfortunately have to find out the hard way. It may be more productive to be happy and cooperative in handing over ALL the caregiving reins to him and focus on your immediate family first. With 3 people to manage (per your profile) your burnout is imminent.
Your brother may not be willing or able to buy you out of your portion of the house you own jointly. Not sure how to resolve it but you may need to consult with a real estate attorney. I hope you can resolve your dilemma with the least amount of permanent wreckage possible.