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TwoOfSix Asked February 2021

How To Deal With Sibling Abuse?

My brother and I are sole caregivers for our Mom. She's been bedridden since June and I've been the sole diaper changer without a break for 8 months. My brother helps me roll her onto her side. I'm the bad guy in her eyes because she detests diaper changes. It's psychologically and emotionally exhausting and demoralizing.


A few minutes ago she was fighting me and trying to kick me while I was trying to close up her diaper so I yelled. She's not out of her mind and knew exactly what she was doing. She's been fighting me for days now and deserved a dressing down.


My brother and I don't get along. On several occasions we've had arguments where he resorted to calling me things I'd never repeat. On this occasion he got mad, reached across the bed and smashed me in the face. I walked away. Should I have called the police?

Countrymouse Feb 2021
The sooner you walk the sooner your family will be forced to access proper support, this time from trained people who don't work without a break for 8 months. They'll find it doesn't come cheap.

JoAnn29 Feb 2021
"She's not out of her mind and knew exactly what she was doing."
You profile says Mom suffers from a Dementia, if so, she is "out of her mind". Now that doesn't mean you don't lose it, we have all been there. But your brother had no right to hit you. He also has no right to verbally abuse you.
I hope ur not all living together. If not, you may want to inform your brother that you will no longer be helping with Mom. That hitting you was the last straw. That you don't deserve the abuse he gives you. He is on his own or get the other siblings to help. If he can't do that, maybe Mom needs LTC.

If u live there, maybe time to find a place of your own. You need to stand up for yourself and show people you won't tolerate certain behaviour.

I may not call the police in this instance but I would call if it happens again. I hope u took pictures.
TwoOfSix Feb 2021
To clarify, my mother suffers from very mild dementia. She's unable to reason *some* things out and so I reiterate, she's not out of her mind. She was incredibly independent her entire life. Up until a little over a year ago, she was still driving. Her current circumstances have made her depressed, resentful and angry. She's 100% dependent and it gnaws at her. I understand it completely.

We do all live together. I agreed to move in with Mom 4 yrs ago because of the Alzheimer's and her refusal to accept that in her 80s, there were things that she couldn't physically do anymore. The old, narrow stairs to the basement (washer/dryer) are a good example.

The abusive brother moved in about year later because he had nowhere else to go. Hasn't worked in years. Ungrateful deadbeat who thinks he's a genius and blames the rest of the world for every single one of his problems. I have neither spoken to him, nor have I changed a diaper since he hit me. I'm done with it, and with him.

I'm unable to do anything other than remove myself from the situation because I'm not Mom's medical proxy. Her oldest son (who doesn't live here) is her proxy and he made it clear that she's staying at home. The abusive brother and myself had no choice but to begin caring for her round the clock. I fought it because I have a number of bad disks, sciatica, and arthritis all over. His response was that the abusive brother would do whatever it takes to keep Mom home. So be it.

Thank you very much to everyone who responded. I truly appreciate your time and input.

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Frebrowser Feb 2021
First. Are you injured? If so, then seek medical care. If the police get involved, so be it.

Next. Your brother had no right to touch you in anger. You would be within your rights to call the police. You will have to decide if you should have.

It sounds like you may have reached your limit in providing care. You probably know that even if she isn't out of her mind, you weren't going to have a productive exchange while being kicked.

So. You were not in your finest moment and may decide at some point to forgive your brother for hitting a new low (or not).

If you have reached your limit, someone needs to do something about getting care for your mother. If your brother isn't in jail (or told to stay away from the house), you have a better chance of packing a bag and visiting a friend (or going car camping) for week while you gather your thoughts and try to figure out what is next. Don't discuss it with your brother in person, call him after you leave.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2021
Totally agree with not discussing beforehand with brother.

Stats show that the most dangerous times for abuse is shortly before leaving as well as shortly afterwards.

My daughter had to get a restraining order on a young man she was dating at her university.

Her attorney was fantastic! She had been an abuse victim herself.

She was excellent at advising my daughter in the best ways to protect herself.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2021
I am so very sorry that you are living in an abusive situation.

Your mom and brother are abusive.

You are not obligated to stay in this situation. It’s your call whether or not to report your brother to the police. I certainly wouldn’t hesitate to do so if that is your choice.

Do you feel that your mom should be in a facility so she can receive medical care from a staff?

In no way am I criticizing your care. I know how hard it is to care for a parent without any help. I have done this as well. I have also had trouble with my mom and siblings so trust me, I feel your pain!

Wishing you all the best in life. Please know that your life is equally as important as your mom’s and brother’s lives.

Don’t place too much stock in your brother’s opinions. He isn’t showing any respect to you, therefore why should he be taken seriously?

Let his words go in one ear and out the other. As they say, “Consider the source!”
TwoOfSix Feb 2021
Yes, she should be in a facility. I don't have the authority to do it, though.
I place zero stock in my brother's opinions. He's a piece of trash.
worriedinCali Feb 2021
Well. I would stop changing her diapers and tell your brother to do it himself. And try to get her placed in a facility or if there is $$$ or Medicaid assistance, get her a caregiver. And while you work on that, stop changing her diapers and let your brother do it. Even if she was demented out of her mind, it wouldn’t excuse her behavior. There is no justifying her attempts to assault you. And this might be a matter of personal opinion, but letting her sit in her own waste is more dehumanizing and demoralizing than changing her diapers. Obviously this is not an ideal situation, no one wants to change their parents diapers and most parents probably don’t want their kids doing that anyway. If she can not control her behavior while you change her, your brother will have to do it until you can get her a caregiver or a bed in a LTC facility.
TwoOfSix Feb 2021
That's a major part of the problem. Her medical proxy refuses to put her in a facility. I've stopped changing her. It's all up to abusive brother now. I'm moving out.
SnoopyLove Feb 2021
TwoOfSix, what a horrible situation. I think you should call the police if anyone, even a family member, hurts or threatens you.

It seems like this situation shouldn’t continue on like this for several reasons (such as, you’re burning out and your only help is abusive). What do you want to happen?
TwoOfSix Feb 2021
Covid and dumb brothers preclude the possibility of anything good happening here. I'll be moving out soon.
97yroldmom Feb 2021
Yes and your mother should be placed in care.
TwoOfSix Feb 2021
I agree. Unfortunately, I have no authority to do it.
Isthisrealyreal Feb 2021
Yes, you should call the police and then leave and let them deal with the consequences of this nonsense.

Your mom is being abusive and you do not deserve to be abused for helping.

Tine to tell her that enough is enough and you are done. Then pack up and go live your life.

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