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Eastatmidnight Asked June 2020

Wealthy uncle will not help with bills. Any advice?

My uncle (90) move in with us two years ago. He purchased half the house with an agreement he would not pay for rent, utilities, or food but would do major upgrades to our house. Upgrades he wanted done as well as other things. For the first year he talked about everything that he was going to do, the second year, we began telling him we would start getting quotes. He immediately told us he was not paying for anything. He has not helped financially and gets upset when my husband and I go on a dinner/movie date because he claims he is getting ripped off if he has to pay for his own dinner. I have been taking care of him for 10 years. He clears five grand a month. Husband is retired on SS. I am furloughed for now but expect to be laid off in the coming weeks. Uncle was just diagnosed with early stages dementia, he has locked and blocked his accounts from me and told the bank I am trying to get his money, which is kind of true! His behavior is getting more and more belligerent by the day. We just received the dementia diagnosis this week. I have not done anything and I am totally lost as what to do first.....or what to do at all? I have durable POA we set set up years ago, do I need to file POA with the courts. Can anyone help me? Anything would be appreciated. My mother and uncle are twins. She is in a local nursing home with full Alzheimer’s. So, among other things....what can I do to NOT get this?? Is $1000.00 a month a reasonable amount to ask the bank for, is $2000.00 too much? Help please?
Thank you
East

Rabanette Jun 2020
Your uncle was 88 when he moved in. You just rec'd the dementia diagnosis, but guess what? It takes years to develop, and you were negotiating this with him when he was already in the throes of oncoming dementia, which is why none of this seems to really make sense. He can't make sense because he has dementia.

Yes, you need to contact an Elder Care attorney asap and sort this out. If he can't contribute to his care in your home then he definitely needs to live in AL or Memory Care where he can be taken care of.

I don't think you are 'trying to get his money'. I think you're trying to get some support for his care which has been ongoing for 10 years. You're trying to take care of him and that costs money.

When he accuses you of 'ripping him off', that's not a rational argument, that's dementia. You can't try to reason with someone who is not capable of doing so!

As to your fear of dementia, at this point, yes, it's one risk factor, but you can control some of the risk factors with healthy behaviors such as exercise, maintaining correct weight, eating and sleeping well.

gladimhere Jun 2020
Sounds like maybe uncle bailed you out of your own financial bind two years ago by purchasing half interest in your house? What was the value of that? Was this agreement in writing? It certainly would not be open ended, you would ask him to pay for any upgrades to the house? How many upgrades? Is there a financial limit to the upgrades? Sounds like quite a benefit to you to have uncle invest in a property you own.

You are going to need an attorney to sort this out. Hopefully, you had one when this agreement was made. If it is a handshake you are likely out of luck.

Are both dad and uncle living with you?

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MargaretMcKen Jun 2020
Not complying with the 'upgrade' part of your agreement amounts to breach of contract. A contract does not have to be in writing, and all the other conditions for a valid contract are in place (consideration, specificity etc). If it wasn't written, you would still probably be successful in a court case, because a defense that you agreed to house and feed him indefinitely without payment is not going to be believed.

I'd suggest that you stick to the 'feed' arrangement - if you and DH are eating out, leave him a frozen meal. Did your agreement cover care? If not you should be entitled to compensation for care. I suspect that he has cancelled his POA, certainly it’s inconsistent with ‘locking and blocking’ his accounts. Do you have a copy of the POA? Take it to the bank and see if they will honor it. But I wouldn’t recommend just taking money from his account, because there are strict obligations and you know that he objects to it. Keep your nose very clean at this point.

I think that you and DH need to decide what you want. An appropriate regular payment for board, lodging and care? The title situation for your house sorted out – eg transfer to your names but with a mortgage for Uncle's original contribution less what the upgrades and his care would be worth? Uncle to leave? If Uncle has made a will leaving his share to you, remember that it can be changed so can't be relied on. It would also be sensible to think through whether anyone else in the family is likely to question the whole deal.

When you have got it clear yourselves, put it to Uncle. If he doesn’t agree, tell him that you are going to a lawyer about starting litigation. If he still won’t agree, do exactly that. That may well be your only option. I doubt whether subsequent dementia would invalidate a pre-existing contract, but you certainly should get on with sorting this out.

Beatty Jun 2020
Oh boy, get legal advice!
Legal advice on the financial situation, if DPOA, when responsibility springs to you, or if Guandianship may be needed?

Put Uncles name down for same facility your Mother is in. He is NOT going to go quietly...

As to your own risk. The same risk factors for Alz are for most other health issues, especially cardiovascular disease - still so much needed to be learnt. So eat healthy, drink in moderation & exercise is about all you can do. Try not to worry about that.

For help with Uncle's behaviour now, check out Teepa Snow's website & YouTubes. The first stage of Dementia she calls "Diamond*. Still clear & sharp - can cut you with words! Obstinate as a rock.

Sunnygirl1 Jun 2020
I’d act quickly by seeing an attorney. Dementia can progress quickly. Take all contracts, deed, POA, etc. for attorney to review. Explore your rights and obligations.

Geaton777 Jun 2020
If you are still his durable PoA and you have the original signed paperwork, you should be able to take it to the bank and have them unlock his accounts. I'm not sure what kind of proof regarding his dementia the bank will require, as they are rightfully very sensitive to financial elder abuse, so you should call them first to see what you need. Once this is done you can keep very fastidious notes and receipts regarding anything you purchase for his care. In regards to paying yourselves you may need to discuss with an elder law attorney. Good luck!

sjplegacy Jun 2020
Sadly, there's no sure fire way to avoid AD, especially if a parent has it. That said, it's not a certainty that you will get it. Lifestyle changes may defer the onset. Mediterranean diets, exercise, sufficient sleep may all help. There are many books that address these lifestyle changes. Check with your local library.

Is your agreement in writing? Do you have both financial and durable healthcare POA? You do not need to file with courts. His bank needs a copy of the financial POA along with any other institutions where his assets are kept. His HCPOA would be presented to anyone who may become his caregiver in the future. Some POAs are effective the day the document is signed and some aren't effective until the principal can no longer make their own decisions. His HCPOA may state that you entitled to some compensation. Having his POA requires you to make decisions that are in his best interest. I don't think making repairs to the house would be, but maybe being compensated as his caregiver would qualify. There are a lot of questions and uncertainties. Your best bet is to meet with an elder care atty.

maggatha Jun 2020
Talk to a lawyer. Perhaps one that specializes in elder care.
If the original agreement is binding, his not having to pay for expenses will stand. However, if he didn't follow through with the second part of the agreement stipulating he'd finance "major upgrades" to your home, you may be able to parlay that into something else.
I suggest you act soon. The fact that he's been diagnosed with dementia may impede your legal rights.

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