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Bella6 Asked November 2019

Dad lives in NJ & is in his last days. His wife has restricted us from all medical info & all calls to talk w him. What rights do we have?

We live in TX. My stepmom has POA of my father & been married for 25+ yrs. She is sig younger & has a lot to inherit financially. That being said, does she have the right to restrict our access to him in his last days? I’ve already had to call protection services to do spot checks & had to fly up when she left him alone wo care in the house for 3 wks. He’s been hospitalized twice in past months which we weren’t told about until later & recently I found him in the ICU alone & went to stay w him. Now he’s at the rehab & she’s restricted all calls, med info & updates. What rights do I have to him as his daughter?

Countrymouse Nov 2019
You don't have the right to demand that a man going through end-of-life is put on the phone to speak to his daughter. As his MPOA, your stepmother has every right to determine whether he is able to cope with a phone call at any given time. She also has a duty to maintain confidentiality; and unless your father himself nominated you as someone to be given his medical information, she is actually doing the correct thing.

Add to that the background history - you contacted APS about safeguarding because she was away, you implicitly condemn her for not staying in ICU round the clock - and it isn't surprising that your stepmother, whose husband is dying and who is therefore not likely to be in a generous or tolerant mood, is not going to move mountains to have you included.

It isn't you who have rights, it is your father. He can choose to request visits and/or calls from whomever he pleases, including people his wife doesn't like; but if he doesn't do so there is not much to be done.

If you want to see or speak to him before he passes away, you will have to do it through your stepmother.

Will you be able to travel to see him or are you having to negotiate all of this from Tx?
AlvaDeer Nov 2019
Sounded initially a bit brutal to me, but on further thought you are spot on. It is the wife now protecting the husband and she is the lioness at the gate. To get around her I would be on my knees telling her she is welcome to stay in room with me while I tell my Dad that I love him the last time, that I will treasure all he taught me, that I will never forget him. And that would be the end of that. Time to move on and pray I got to attend services if such were held and if I wanted to.
TNtechie Nov 2019
Basically you have no rights as his daughter while he is living except those your father or his POA give/allow you.

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Bella6 Nov 2019
I have & his wife has instructed them to not in gage in any conversations @ my father’s health or give any info at all including any contact by phone. I contacted her directly & she said there be no chges for the next 3-4 days unless things change & that I may call her between 3-4 pm & to see if he’s able to speak on phone. No contact allowed other than her & she’s there 1-2 hrs a day. Bottom line his’s in his last hrs & not letting us see him. I asked to speak to his docs since I’m medically educated & she said no.
AlvaDeer Nov 2019
I think she is the Lioness at the Gate now for your Dad. He spent his last years with her and I hope in a loving relationship. I would beg her to allow me to be there to give him my love, my assurance I would never forget him, and remember all he taught me. I would tell her she is welcome to stay in the room while you bid him goodbye. This is not a question of medically educated. Your Dad is dying. There is no need to have the details of that, as you acknowledge it is true. It is he himself and his wife who have the rights in this. So sorry. Do all you can to see him. Do it on your knees if need be. This is no longer war between you two women. Your Dad is dying. Try to assure him you love him, then move on.
AlvaDeer Nov 2019
Can you check with the facility where your father is and ask how he is, if he is asking for you, if you are able, as his daughter, to visit him?

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