How to deal with cold and awkward visits?

You’ll have to practically chant to yourself under your breathe “it’s not her, it’s the disease” and try to distance your emotions hard as that is. Continue to visit, it’s important that the facility see the resident has family that cares and has eyes on the place, but keep your visits brief for your own mental health

Perhaps visit less often, for less time and differently than you do now. Rather than going later in the day and interrupting dinner and a movie, get there early in the morning with some breakfast treats you know she likes. Have a quick breakfast with her in her room, and then leave and let her go about her day. When something isn't working, change it.

Although I agree it's important for the facility to see you there, I don't believe you have to endure her being cold and mean to the point where it's affecting you. You are human and you have feelings. Protect yourself.

I work at a Memory Care community as a receptionist. Dave comes every single day to visit his wife who is a resident with Alzheimers/dementia. She is mean as a snake to him. Calls him all sorts of horrible names and he can do nothing right, in her eyes. He's stupid, he's an idiot, everything he says is wrong, yada yada. She treats him like this in front of other people, too, which is how I can tell you this story. I witness it all the time. Yet Dave smiles and puts his arm around her, and she throws it off, and he puts it back, etc. He keeps coming, and she keeps sniping. He takes her for walks and on drives and out for ice cream. Sometimes he stays for 2 hours and other times he stays for 15 minutes, depending on the severity of her Bad Mood towards him. He fell and broke his hand and required stitches over his eye last week. So he had a friend drive him over to see his wife in MC.

Personally, I don't think I could be like Dave. If my mother were to continually treat me with a cold shoulder, or open hostility, I'd stop visiting but for once in a while. I like Catnk9's answer myself, even though I'm in the minority here.

I fully realize that dementia is a disease and their brain is 'broken' and all that. At the same time, however, I realize that I am human, my brain is NOT broken, but my heart CAN be, quite easily. I need to figure out how to protect MYSELF while seeing to the needs of my demented mother who lives in MC and treats me quite badly also. Is it due to her dementia or her snake-in-the-grass personality? A little of both, methinks.

But no matter the reason, it's important that WE care givers TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES in this process as well. OUR lives matter just as much as our loved ones with dementia.

I’m so sorry that your mom treats you this way. It hurts even if she can’t help it.

Stay away if you need a break. You don’t have to stay a long time if the visit is particularly hard on you. Go back when you feel up to it.

Know that you are doing all that you can.

Take care.

Honestly? If your mother treats you like this each time you visit, why would you continue to go? Sometimes, people with dementia decide in their broken brains to punish a certain person for something that never happened. It might be a family member, a staff member or a complete stranger.

I know that telling you not to visit seems unreasonable considering that she is your mother. And, it’s hard to accept that your mother as you knew and remember her is fading away. Hang on to those memories and don’t torture yourself by visiting more than a few times a month just to make sure everything is going ok at the facility.

If your mom has been diagnosed with dementia, it is part of her tragedy, and yours, that she is no longer who she was, and there are no explanations that can be determined by logic of why she has become who she is, right now, in her damaged present.

Since that loving woman is gone, can you be comfortable with at least for the time being, visiting less, in shorter visits, telling her you love her (she may comment harshly in response to affection), offering a few comments of family gossip, and leaving with a cheerful, noncommittal “goodby”?

There is no logic to the choosing of a target. My grandmother turned her fury to my father, her dearly loved son in law. As the disease process progressed, the hostility dissipated and ultimately disappeared.

Don’t worry about “forced”. If you are approaching her with a peaceful sense of low expectations, it won’t be quite as bad as it was the first time you noticed the change in her demeanor.

Unfortunately, many of us understand. Courage and peace to you.

When my brother, was put in a facility, no body knew he had family. His wife put him in there, and I guess you are not allowed to visit? Anyway, I found him, then I put up a newspaper article from San Francisco.. He was a Tug Boat Captain, and he saved 6 people one night. Their boat capsized in a busy shipping lane. My Brother The Tug Boat Captain, heard it on his radio, he was there, so he ordered that lane to shut down. He found the people and rescued them. Once Coast Guard was able to transport them onto their boat, he went back to work as normal.
A few weeks later, he received a Coast Guard Medal for rescuing these people.
A let the cartakers know a little about his life and a world of difference he made. And he was able to say yeah.. ya... :)
HIs boss didn't know that incident happend until a few weeks later. He didn't think it was a big deal.

Perhaps your continued devotion aggravates her in someway? Back off and give yourself a break. Focus instead on monitoring her supplies and coordinating her care.

All of the visits with my mom are different.  Some times she is having a moment of clarity and wants me to sit and visit with her...other times she treats me like the hired help and literally leaves me in her AL apartment to clean, put away the laundry I have washed for her, etc.  I play it by ear.  Some times I just do what I need to do for her and leave.  From what you have said, your timing is not the best. LOL  I have found that my mom does not like her routine disrupted.  Can you time your visit so that you are there before dinner or later in the evening after she has eaten.  Keep in mind your mother is not mentally who she used to be and may not be able to carry on a decent conversation.  Maybe you can just sit with her while her show is on.   I show my mom pictures of her great grandson on my phone and we have a TV show on that she wants to watch.  That is about as deep as it gets.  I don't want to frustrate her or confuse her with the details current events, my life or job..she doesn't understand...can't keep it straight and truthfully she wont even remember my visit.  It really hurts in the beginning to realize that your mom is no longer there.  She still needs your care and she still needs your visits, but she can't offer you what she once did.  it has taken me almost 8 years to get to this point of acceptance and trust me there are days when it really hurts but for the most part I have accepted it.  I'm sorry...I know this is hurting you.  This disease is harder on the family.  It really is a long goodbye.

Your mother has a broken brain and cannot help her actions.