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hoomfx Asked September 2013

Mom with early stage dementia accused my nanny who's been with us for years of having sex with my 90 year old father. What now?

my nanny is 78 years old and i take her to my parents to take care of mom and keep her company in afternoon. mom telling dad that he is having a sexual releationship with my nanny and verbealy abouse the nanny. i cannot get someone else to watch her in afternoon at this time. what should i do?

charcats7 Sep 2013
My experience with my mother dx with Alzheimer's is that she became aggressive either physically or verbally with accusations is when she had a UTI. Have her checked for infection. Arguing with her about the truth of the accusation is a no win. You are only going to make her upset, scared or angry. Most dementia patients do not drink enough water & therefore tend to get UTIs and other infections. Personal hygiene reduces the more severe the dementia gets. You will need a caregiver soon that can physically help your mother in & out of a bath & other things as they forget how to do simple things such as washing their privates, dressing properly (multiple pairs of underwear or none at all) and other regular daily things that she can do, just not mentally thinking about doing. The automatic of good habits fade away. Just imagine having a large 2-yr old. Have you thought about an assisted living facility? As long as your mom is ambulatory she could live there. Many allow the spouse to stay right with them too. There are activities & other things going on to help stimulate her mind. Just something to think about and start researching so you aren't caught unprepared.

akdaughter Sep 2013
I agree with StandingAlone. Tell mom that you can't fire the nanny without proof and give her a camera. She may be projecting something she saw on TV or something that she remembers from long ago onto the current situation. Each time she brings it up, remind her that you need the pictures and then change the subject.

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StandingAlone Sep 2013
Is your mom saying she's a witness to this? I mean, how does she know? I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock into this...give her a camera and tell her to take pictures next time, or a cam corder, and tell her to tape it... then you'll know... No video, no sex, right? And who's giving this 90 year old stud his viagra?

The nanny has been around for years, you say? Any whispers of wrong doing all that time? Or is this something new...?

Perseverance Sep 2013
End the 78 year old nanny care and get appropriate care for your parents.

hoomfx Sep 2013
mom needs 24/7 but dad does not. the nanny is an active 78 years old and she is there to keep her company and i am trying to get a 24/7 help for her. meanwhile, how should i handle her crazy thoughts towards dad and nanny!!

Perseverance Sep 2013
Well, is it true? Who cares for your parents when nanny is not around? Sounds like they may need to have 24/7 caregivers (not one who is 78 and soon in need of her own caregiver!!) or be placed in an ALF or NH.

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