My mother is 68. A year and half ago my mother reported to her doctor that she drove to a store, parked her car, and fell asleep behind the wheel for several hours. She said several people, as many as five, knocked on her car window to see if she was ok. She acknowledged them and then fell back asleep. She did not realize she was going to have her license suspended. The doctor had no choice. Falling asleep behind the wheel, even while parked, is a concerning sign that could not be ignored.
Since that time her story has changed because she DESPERATELY wants her license back. She is convinced with every doctor appointment that they just have to give it back to her. But the truth is, she is on 20 medications including full time oxygen and several that cause drowsiness. She's had two heart attacks in five years, ER/hospital stays for COPD exacerbation every year for the past four years.
To my mother, her life has ended and she feels trapped in her apartment. She complains of depression (which she's had for 40+ years) but says that not driving has deepened it. What she doesn't see, and she has become incapable of a rational discussion on this topic, is that the risk of her falling asleep and drifting into oncoming traffic or hitting another person is too great to ignore. She says "I know when I'm tired and I can judge when I'm too tired to drive". My response is "you were too tired to drive the day you fell asleep in your car and you drove anyways." She minimizes it to "all I did was take a little nap". I have to remind her of her words "I could not will myself out of the car."
I'm grateful that her doctor/extensivist did the right thing. I understand her feelings. But while it doesn't seem fair to her to lose her independence, it wouldn't be fair to another family if she injured or killed another person, or to me if I had to go identify her remains because she drifted into traffic and got his by a semi. Yes, I have to be that graphic to get her to understand just how serious the danger is. I've left this to the doctor. She asked them for her license back. They told her she has to demonstrate for more than six months in appointments that she remain alert even when her mind is not occupied; because she still falls asleep or appears groggy when she meets with them.
In the meantime, she has full use of Go Go Grandparent to get where she needs to go. It uses Uber and Lyft without the use of an app. A bit pricey, but I can't be a chauffer 24/7. So it's a price I'm willing to pay, and she doesn't feel like she is being chaperoned.
In our state, Texas, anyone (even anonymously), can write a letter to the Medical Examining Board of DPS with specific information regarding ANY concerned driver. I did, sent my letter every day until I got an inquiry. Then the facility doctor wrote a notarized letter stating their diagnoses dementia and Alzheimer's and that they believe they should not be driving. Letter is to be sealed and delivered to DPS for official decision and revocation of licenses. I'm not liked by parents because of this, but that's okay. I did this out of love. AND FOR THE SAFETY OF EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROADS. I cannot tell you how many times I've been thanked by support group members, friends, neighbors, family members for doing this.
Like someone else said, you can report the unsafe driver to the DMV. They take those reports very seriously. As well, you can often talk the senior thru the financials of not driving any more....no more car payments (I realize some have them paid off), no insurance, no fuel, no maintenance. Because they no longer have this financial burden, it may become financially feasible for them to do cabs. I don't think most of this generation is ready for Ubers yet :-) We live about 2,000 miles from my MIL. She is in a good assisted living facility, and we've hired a geriatric care manager to check in on her every few weeks. My MIL needs some new shoes and winter boots. The GCM will do this for us. Yes, we pay for it, but we know the MIL likes this person, and we know MIL will get the special attention she needs in this situation that the normal shuttle may not work for her yet.
RILEY2166 At first we offered and still do take them wherever they want, whenever they want ( within reason). The AL facility offers shuttles to local grocery stores and to outings. Our mother had an accident and left the scene! Minor but nonetheless she did not find it important. Can you imagine that legal nightmare? Can you imagine the thought of your parent , whose reaction time has slowed due to dementia and or Alzheimer's runs a red light and t bones a car killing someone inside.... that person being your grandchild? Would you be able to live with yourself knowing you COULD have done something but chose to do nothing because it was HARD and took their PRIVILEGE away? I've already spoken to my children and we have set agreements on keys to the car. When they say "give me the keys", I will know it's time to relinquish.
I read with an open mind all of the stories above. I totally see there are some valid reasons for giving up driving - can't change that fact. However, I am saying this. There are always lives involved and all hopefully will be safe but when push comes to shove and you can't succeed in getting the keys away, WHOSE life is more important? The one you love or a stranger. Neither should be harmed but what does one do? Second, and I repeat this - if you take something away from someone, you MUST BE PREPARED TO REPLACE IT WITH THE SAME END RESULT. If that means you guarantee transportation or make sure it is available when there really is none available, then that is what you must do first. I stand by that no matter what
I feel the article is somewhat a copout. I can assure you that if a parent has dementia or Alzheimer's, and it has been documented that they have gotten lost and have had to have individuals navigate them back, that they need assistance with medications . If they have an accident the litigants attorney will obtain their medical records see their diagnosis and issues and sue and win. And take every penny they have. And one step further if it is documented that caregivers have tried and failed at taking away drivers license / cars / keys the caregivers can be drug into court and be held liable! Doctors need to step up and get balls!
Dofnarcisist. You are attacking the sector of society that provides for those who can't or won't provide for themselves. You have abused an informative, helpful source of interaction for caregivers and turned it into a political stage for your personal rant! I resent your attack on fellow citizens and respectfully suggest you find a political blog to air your personal grievances In Lieu of disrespecting a helpful forum.
For those who think that losing a license is the most terrible thing... NO! Being responsible for the injuries and/or death of one person or a group of people would be for me (and for my parents but they have lost the ability to logically think that far ahead). Before their health deteriorated during the past year, I was doing ANYTHING to keep them from driving. Dad has Alzheimer's, and Mom is much more lucid, but she has greatly diminished capacity for logical reasoning because of a stroke. I have done everything from hiding keys to slashing tires to keep them from driving. I got the papers I was told I should get from the DMV and took them to the doctor to fill out, but he said AARP and all the civil rights and elder advocates would have a field day. Knowing Mom, she would have gotten a lawyer and had it easily overturned anyway. Still, I lived in a different city from my husband for ten years to take care of them and drive them anywhere they needed to go. I don't know how many impaired elderly people it's going to take, plowing through crowds and killing and maiming people before something sensible is done! All the stress has cost me my health, and I'm just left shaking my head. :(
BTW....I took my father's car and sold it to his brother (who was quite poor) for one dollar. Best decision I ever made. Dad had become confused was clearly a danger to others behind the wheel.
Riley2166 wrote: "Taking a car away from someone who has always driven and is independent is one of the worst things that can happen to a human."
I respectfully disagree. The worst thing that can happen to a human is to be permitted to drive when become incompetent behind the wheel, and they present a clear danger on the road to themselves and others. If we care about the safety of our elderly parents and those around them, we take away the keys and car when the time comes. Should I ever get to the point where I am a "menace behind the machine." I hope to God that somebody cares enough about me to take the car away from me.
I should mention that anyone can phone the Dept. of Motor Vehicles in your State and advise them that there is a person who is "an unsafe driver" in your opinion, who probably should not be driving any longer. They will investigate - and often give that person a mandatory driving test. If they fail the test, the license is revoked. End of story.
Driving is not a "right" - it is a privilege from the State. If a person becomes unsafe to drive - then the State should revoke their license. Human beings got along just fine for thousands of years without any cars. It just requires some lifestyle adjustments.
I can comment on this from the prospective of someone who rarely drives--because of medical reasons.
Realize that public transportation in America sucks. Yes, it sucks. A major reason why this is so has to do with prejudice. Who uses public transportation? Poor people, children and the elderly. America is a highly classist these days and people are very, very prejudiced against these groups. The only areas of this country that have useable public transportation are cities where nearly all people, whether rich or poor, use it. These places are generally very expensive places to live.
For most people, giving up driving means that a person looses his or her ability to go where he or she wants to go fairly easily. Once you don't drive, you can't decide to go to the beach, to the state park or to a restaurant in another town just on a whim. You have to plan all your trips and arrange for rides. Taxis are expensive. Asking for rides is tricky and does mean that you have to swallow your pride. Yes, many senior centers do offer outings, but my experience is that there are many more people who want to go on them than there are seats on the bus. It means that you're limited to where you go, and the decisions are made by someone else. Let's say you get a ride to an event. You have to stay there as long or as short as your driver wants. For example, if you become tired or unwell and your driver is having a good time, you might have a difficult time persuading your driver that you *really* need to go home.
The best solution is for a person who must limit driving to live somewhere that's car free. Unfortunately, car free areas of the country are generally very expensive places to live. The reality is that a senior whose ability to drive is limited is going to need help with transportation and is probably going to have to rely on many sources for it. I moved my NMother to a naturally occurring retirement community. It is near restaurants, the grocery, the Y, library and senior center. It is on a bus line that's direct to the doctors and hospitals. Although the region where she lives is definitely a difficult one to live in if you don't have a car, where she lives is one of the few parts that you can live car free and have a decent quality of life.
In my case, after a near miss a week due to health problems, I realized that it wasn't such a good thing to drive. So, I talked to my specialist who was treating me for a rare health problem. He was a physiatrist, that is an expert in physical medicine and rehabilitation. He told me that this is a common problem. We talked about how driving affects my rare health problem and what to do about driving. In my case, I can drive, but it's for a short period of time and in limited situations. We both realized that I would be better-off car free. I ended up moving to one of those very expensive cities with useable public transportation.
One of the things we as caregivers can do is band together with other caregivers and talk to our political leaders about the need for useable public transportation. We need to convince the self-centered yuppies as well as the crazy Trump supporters that it is in their self (centered) interest that there be quality public transportation available. We have a major cultural problem: Since the Reagan 'Greed is Good' administration, we have lost the concept of Commonwealth, where we care about and take care of our neighbors. We have become an extremely self-centered, narcissistic people. This has to change.
Riley2166. I do transport my Mother any and everywhere she wants to go. So I agree that you have to make sure transportation is provided somehow, however when the safety of the driver and everyone and I mean everyone is at risk the very moment they are behind the wheel, sometimes you have to do what is necessary. Hopefully you will never lose the ability to see or have dementia so bad that you can continue driving until your last breath, but please do not ruin someone else's life.
Please everyone - face the facts. Taking a car away from someone who has always driven and is independent is one of the worst things that can happen to a human - on the level of losing your home and everything with it because you unfortunately lived to be old. I am certainly aware of certain situations where it is necessary. But here is something that would "ease" the horror of this happening. I am a firm believer of one fact. IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING AWAY FROM SOMEONE THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM, THEN YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY PROVIDE THEM WITH AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD TO ACHIEVE THE SAME END. In this case, it means you take your car/driving away. Then you MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO OFFER (and keep your word) THAT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE TRANSPORTATION AVAILABLE TO TAKE THEM WHERE THEY WANT TO GO AND NEED TO GO. I know that is asking a lot but it is the only decent and humane thing to do. If you take the car away, in many cases it is the beginning of the end. It would be for me. I have no family and do not know a soul to ask for rides. On two occasions I was forced to hitch hike. I was scared to death and hated it but the situation I found myself in left me no choice. I hope I never have to do that again - but if I absolutely had to, I would do so and pray. Do not take a car away unless you are there to help with transportation. I will drive until my last breath and will never, ever give up my car - end of statement.
My Mother was having eyesight problems. Her eye doctor told her she could no longer drive. I would drive her anywhere she wanted to go and this satisfied her for a while. Then she talked about driving again after her eye doctor said her eyes had improved somewhat with the medications he had given to her. I told her that she would have to pass an eye exam at the DMV first. Alas she didn't pass and they told her she couldn't drive anymore. It took two "professionals" to tell her not to drive as she wouldn't listen to me. She no longer has a car and with the new keyless cars has no idea how to start mine. My problem with her driving was solved although she still tells friends she runs into that she can still drive. I suppose it will be hard for me also when the time comes as losing so many other things you can't do when you are older and than adding not driving to that list , as driving is so tied to independence. I do try and make our driving outings fun so that she doesn't miss it so much. And another thought on this subject, in this day and age of getting sued for everything if an elder does drive and hurts or kills someone and gets sued and loses everything, it is really not worth it in the long run. She could not live with the guilt of hurting or killing someone. One of the last times she did drive, she was going to a store that was twenty minutes away and got onto the wrong highway and finally pulled over after two hours of driving. A highway patrolman guided her back home. VERY SCARY. Of course she blew it off at the time as the "gps " took her the wrong way.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, my father hit a police car broadside, after running a red-light. (Air bags deployed on the police car, but beyond some cuts & bruises, they were okay) The officer asked him the color of the light, and was told it was purple. He asked dad 2 more times, got purple, and then after the officertold him that the light shows red, yellow, or green, dad said it must have been green. By observing my father's reactions to the entire situation, he knew dad was no longer a capable driver, & petitioned the state to revoke his license. This ended my constant battle with him, which had reached a (temporary) conclusion, with my refusing to let the 1 car rental place he was aware of to let him have another car. (They had to tow away the one he had, since he broke the ignition, trying every key in the house to start it. He couldn't find the keys, which were on the kitchen counter) His inability to work out problems caused him to not realize there were other rental agencies, thank goodness. He was furious with me, since I had "ham-strung" him. The doctor had his license revoked in 2015, but dad succeeded in passing all the requirements to get it back. He no longer has those abilities.
To those seeking to have your parent's doctor's assistance, ask for friends to send letters to either the doctor, or you, and you send them to the doctor. This will give the doctor the information necessary to petition for revoking the driving privileges. I have sent the letters I have to dad's doctor. Anything you can give the doctor to help the assessment, will be appreciated.
My father is almost 104 years old and still drives to church every Sunday. About 12 miles into the country. The retirement center folk have to get the car under the canopy and help both he and his wife with their wheelchairs and then at church it is reversed. Well, then after church the reversal takes place again. Dad will not want to stop until it is his decision and as his sons we have in his mind been only the little boys mentality. Always have had to be just like he wanted or we were wrong. I am retired myself and so is my brother but in his mind "little boys". HELP!!
We are having problems with this now with my parents. My dad has gotten lost multiple times over the last year with my mom in the car with him. His doctor told him he shouldn't drive due to insurance and his diagnosis of dementia, but mom is used to him driving and doesn't want to fight him, he forgets the doctor told him not to drive. I tried to set up a driver for him a couple times a week to run errands but mom said he got very upset when she approached him with this. I'm afraid that something bad like an accident will have to happen before anything will change. Any suggestions?
Too often the doctors are willing to turn a blind eye when they know beyond a doubt that the keys should be taken away. The only way to get them on board would be to mandate that they have to report issues, the same way they have to report things like suspected child abuse. I have noticed however that neurologists are more willing to act. When my brother had a seizure his licence was yanked within weeks, he had to prove he was still competent to drive after receiving appropriate treatment. It was an inconvenience at the time, but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
It may depress a senior when the lic/car are taken away, but it is much more likely to save injuries and deaths. In a two year period my mom side swiped a car doing 70 mph and rear ended two others. I lived in another state at the time and didn't know. She was sued twice. What helped her give up her car was the her car was the cost of insurance due to her driving history. I had to then convince her to sell it. She kept forgetting she didn't have insurance. Our parent possible depression shouldn't be all that's taken into account.
My husband had early onset dementia which affected his reflexes. Despite three accidents I could not get him to stop driving even with his doctor telling him not to drive any longer. In the end I sent a letter to the MD Dept of Motor Vehicles who has an office that reviews family concerns about a driver being capable behind the wheel. It took six months, letter from me, forms filled out by the doctor to get his license taken from him. J
My father has macular and drove into a bank lobby and then another 8 years of begging and cajoling to stop driving. His eye doctor gave him a terse lecture about stopping driving and told him he had no peripheral sight and that he would hit an innocent pedestrian or bicyclist. Dad did not listen. Finally, a cop followed him for several miles, pulled him over and drove him home. This policeman did the paperwork to revoke his licence and in the end saved lives. When families get nowhere, the DMV's need to require an annual retest for anyone over 80.
Stopping my Dad from driving has to be in the very top ten of high stress moments [many many moments]. My Mom stopped driving because she could no longer see, but she was from the generation where the husband did most of the driving, so it didn't bother her not to drive. When my Dad had a heart attack his cardiologist told him no driving for six months... Dad followed that with no exception.
Once the six months was up, the doctor gave Dad the ok to drive. Dad tried to drive, but ran into the curb twice on two separate occasions damaging the front tire. The last time my parents had to walk to a neighborhood and try to find someone home to use their telephone to call for help. Something was wrong here.
Dad was in denial about his eyesight. I learned Dad was using one of his hands to cover his left eye while driving because of double vision. Say what??? Mom must had been in denial, too, guess she figured if she got to the 3 different grocery stores that week, everything was ok.
Oh how I wished my parents would have moved to a retirement community [they could afford to do that], where the community has transportation. Instead my parents remain in their home and have to depend on me or my sig other to drive them. Cutting back all their daily trips out of the house wasn't easy. They wanted to go 2 to 3 times PER DAY. After using up all my vacation time, call my sick days, and days without pay, something had to give. I had to set boundaries on when and where I would drive. It made for some very unhappy moments and Dad threatening to drive again :(
My brother is a fireman. No "Ands, Ifs, or Buts" about it...Take the keys away now, get rid of the car... End of story....He has been to too many accidents with seniors involved. Even if Mom wasn't the cause, she would be blamed, and innocent enough to take the blame....I took the car away....
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Why Doctors Don’t Like to Discuss Driving with Older Patients
Since that time her story has changed because she DESPERATELY wants her license back. She is convinced with every doctor appointment that they just have to give it back to her. But the truth is, she is on 20 medications including full time oxygen and several that cause drowsiness. She's had two heart attacks in five years, ER/hospital stays for COPD exacerbation every year for the past four years.
To my mother, her life has ended and she feels trapped in her apartment. She complains of depression (which she's had for 40+ years) but says that not driving has deepened it. What she doesn't see, and she has become incapable of a rational discussion on this topic, is that the risk of her falling asleep and drifting into oncoming traffic or hitting another person is too great to ignore. She says "I know when I'm tired and I can judge when I'm too tired to drive". My response is "you were too tired to drive the day you fell asleep in your car and you drove anyways." She minimizes it to "all I did was take a little nap". I have to remind her of her words "I could not will myself out of the car."
I'm grateful that her doctor/extensivist did the right thing. I understand her feelings. But while it doesn't seem fair to her to lose her independence, it wouldn't be fair to another family if she injured or killed another person, or to me if I had to go identify her remains because she drifted into traffic and got his by a semi. Yes, I have to be that graphic to get her to understand just how serious the danger is. I've left this to the doctor. She asked them for her license back. They told her she has to demonstrate for more than six months in appointments that she remain alert even when her mind is not occupied; because she still falls asleep or appears groggy when she meets with them.
In the meantime, she has full use of Go Go Grandparent to get where she needs to go. It uses Uber and Lyft without the use of an app. A bit pricey, but I can't be a chauffer 24/7. So it's a price I'm willing to pay, and she doesn't feel like she is being chaperoned.
As well, you can often talk the senior thru the financials of not driving any more....no more car payments (I realize some have them paid off), no insurance, no fuel, no maintenance. Because they no longer have this financial burden, it may become financially feasible for them to do cabs. I don't think most of this generation is ready for Ubers yet :-)
We live about 2,000 miles from my MIL. She is in a good assisted living facility, and we've hired a geriatric care manager to check in on her every few weeks. My MIL needs some new shoes and winter boots. The GCM will do this for us. Yes, we pay for it, but we know the MIL likes this person, and we know MIL will get the special attention she needs in this situation that the normal shuttle may not work for her yet.
I respectfully disagree. The worst thing that can happen to a human is to be permitted to drive when become incompetent behind the wheel, and they present a clear danger on the road to themselves and others. If we care about the safety of our elderly parents and those around them, we take away the keys and car when the time comes. Should I ever get to the point where I am a "menace behind the machine." I hope to God that somebody cares enough about me to take the car away from me.
Realize that public transportation in America sucks. Yes, it sucks. A major reason why this is so has to do with prejudice. Who uses public transportation? Poor people, children and the elderly. America is a highly classist these days and people are very, very prejudiced against these groups. The only areas of this country that have useable public transportation are cities where nearly all people, whether rich or poor, use it. These places are generally very expensive places to live.
For most people, giving up driving means that a person looses his or her ability to go where he or she wants to go fairly easily. Once you don't drive, you can't decide to go to the beach, to the state park or to a restaurant in another town just on a whim. You have to plan all your trips and arrange for rides. Taxis are expensive. Asking for rides is tricky and does mean that you have to swallow your pride. Yes, many senior centers do offer outings, but my experience is that there are many more people who want to go on them than there are seats on the bus. It means that you're limited to where you go, and the decisions are made by someone else. Let's say you get a ride to an event. You have to stay there as long or as short as your driver wants. For example, if you become tired or unwell and your driver is having a good time, you might have a difficult time persuading your driver that you *really* need to go home.
The best solution is for a person who must limit driving to live somewhere that's car free. Unfortunately, car free areas of the country are generally very expensive places to live. The reality is that a senior whose ability to drive is limited is going to need help with transportation and is probably going to have to rely on many sources for it. I moved my NMother to a naturally occurring retirement community. It is near restaurants, the grocery, the Y, library and senior center. It is on a bus line that's direct to the doctors and hospitals. Although the region where she lives is definitely a difficult one to live in if you don't have a car, where she lives is one of the few parts that you can live car free and have a decent quality of life.
In my case, after a near miss a week due to health problems, I realized that it wasn't such a good thing to drive. So, I talked to my specialist who was treating me for a rare health problem. He was a physiatrist, that is an expert in physical medicine and rehabilitation. He told me that this is a common problem. We talked about how driving affects my rare health problem and what to do about driving. In my case, I can drive, but it's for a short period of time and in limited situations. We both realized that I would be better-off car free. I ended up moving to one of those very expensive cities with useable public transportation.
One of the things we as caregivers can do is band together with other caregivers and talk to our political leaders about the need for useable public transportation. We need to convince the self-centered yuppies as well as the crazy Trump supporters that it is in their self (centered) interest that there be quality public transportation available. We have a major cultural problem: Since the Reagan 'Greed is Good' administration, we have lost the concept of Commonwealth, where we care about and take care of our neighbors. We have become an extremely self-centered, narcissistic people. This has to change.
The doctor had his license revoked in 2015, but dad succeeded in passing all the requirements to get it back. He no longer has those abilities.
To those seeking to have your parent's doctor's assistance, ask for friends to send letters to either the doctor, or you, and you send them to the doctor. This will give the doctor the information necessary to petition for revoking the driving privileges. I have sent the letters I have to dad's doctor. Anything you can give the doctor to help the assessment, will be appreciated.
When families get nowhere, the DMV's need to require an annual retest for anyone over 80.
Once the six months was up, the doctor gave Dad the ok to drive. Dad tried to drive, but ran into the curb twice on two separate occasions damaging the front tire. The last time my parents had to walk to a neighborhood and try to find someone home to use their telephone to call for help. Something was wrong here.
Dad was in denial about his eyesight. I learned Dad was using one of his hands to cover his left eye while driving because of double vision. Say what??? Mom must had been in denial, too, guess she figured if she got to the 3 different grocery stores that week, everything was ok.
Oh how I wished my parents would have moved to a retirement community [they could afford to do that], where the community has transportation. Instead my parents remain in their home and have to depend on me or my sig other to drive them. Cutting back all their daily trips out of the house wasn't easy. They wanted to go 2 to 3 times PER DAY. After using up all my vacation time, call my sick days, and days without pay, something had to give. I had to set boundaries on when and where I would drive. It made for some very unhappy moments and Dad threatening to drive again :(