I believe that my mother doesn't care what kind of pain she puts her family through. All she cares about is herself and her fear of dying. She doesn't want to talk about it: she's mentally unstable and can't discuss anything in a calm or a way that is not hysterical or accusatory. I am so disgusted with being her caregiver that I have given up and do only minimal contact for her. This article, as the many before it ,usually addresses relatively healthy minded families. What about elders who are mentally sick and refuse to to see a counselor? I would like to drag her to one but my other siblings are not interested in being supportive and are also in denial. My mother is 95, Dad is 97 and our totally dysfunctional family has been ruled by the mother since she started this family. Dad has dementia and my brother is in charge of Dad as POA. Mostly it's due to his money. Can't wait to be free of this whole business!!
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My dad pre-paid for his wife's funeral. Now they are legally separated. Can he get a refund?
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I'd like to add to my earlier comment. Even though my Mom was far from coherent during her final months she surprised me at times by asking practucal, death related questions: where the services would be held, where would she be buried, did I have clothes picked out for her, etc.. I answered all her questions honestly and her comments went something like: "that's nice" or "I like that" or "I'm glad you kept that dress".
I discussed her funeral services in advance with our Pastor and music minister so we were able to ensure that Mom's favorite hymns and scripture readings were included. And similar to ProfeChari's experience, received several comments from relatives on how fitting a tribute the services were to Mom's life.
I've attended many funerals where families have not had the gift of time to prepare. It's a gift, when present, we need to accept and use.
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Great article! I helped my mom pre-plan my dad's funeral, and that experience taught me the importance to doing the same for mom. We were blessed with several months before her death to talk about anything under the sun, including her wishes. She picked out which dress she wanted to wear. On May 1, three years ago, I went to the funeral home where our family plots are located. As helpmom said, I was able to make rational, unemotional decisions. Since I knew mom's wishes, planning for her was easy., right down to the songs to be played (our favorites). She died one month later on June 1. Several of my relatives commented that I seemed composed and peaceful that day, and they had expected me to be distraught because they knew how close my mom and I were. I said it was because all I had to do was to sit back and observe the celebration of her life...just.the way we had discussed it. To anyone whose parents refuse to discuss death and their wishes, no matter what age or medical condition, show this article and the comments to them. Let them see what a GIFT it is to their children to not only allow them to grieve in peace when their time comes, but to know they did exactly what their parents wanted, not to mention being able to make rational decisions and not emotional ones. If parents thought about what love it shows to give this gift to their children, I don't understand why any of them would deliberately withhold such a gift.
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When my mom passed away, I was 17, and I still remember with appreciation spending that day with dad making the arrangements. It gave us something useful to do, and it was probably what Mom would have liked, but we were the ones who were there and needed to do this as our last gift to Mom. When my dad died five years later, I was out of the area, but my brothers had Mom's service as a guideline. I also still recall after my husband's passing ten years ago, my kids and I had a pretty good idea what we needed to do, and it was something we did together as a family. This has been the pattern for most of my family, and it has been something we wanted to do as a family.
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Thank you for this article... I have tried to raise this with my parents, pretty much stating most of your points, but they just clam up and don't want to talk about it.
The same goes for writing their wills.
I am literally terrified of what will happen.
Have told my dad, but he clings to the delusion that 'your mother will get everything ', and refuses to accept the fact that she'll only get first £250k, then the rest goes into legal probate over here in UK, and we'll have to spend £££££s on lawyers to get the remainder split between mum and the six kids. Meanwhile all the money will be tied up in their house, we'll have no cash to pay any bills (let alone get mum into care home she will need, if not already in one by then)

How do you deal with fear/denial over these things?
I've been really gentle, explaining that I've written a will and my wishes for my funeral (although no plot bought right now, I would like to be cremated, and my ashes spread on Lake Windermere!)
Just takes the hassle and work out of it for your loved ones, who will be in a state of grief.
I've even chosen the music and the readings and have a powerpoint presentation of all my fabourite photos that I want played. (I stopped just short of a video of me saying goodbye and chatting, but may leave my son a nice video message in my will folder)

Has anyone managed to get a very stubborn, possibly scared, elder to change their mind and get their will and funeral plan done and out of the 'worry zone'.?
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My parents were both veterans and were given their plots but had to pay for the coffins etc. When my dad passed it was so nice to have all of that done because it is a very emotional time. The only thing my mom had to pay for was the opening and closing of the grave. The same will be for her when that day comes. Dignity Memorial was great to work with.
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Knowing that my mom's death, (she had dementia and generally deteriorating health)while not imminent was certainly on the horizon, I met with the funeral director a few months in advance. We discussed options for visitation hours, coffins, transportation, etc. and the sticker shock of associated costs. This allowed me (no siblings) to make decisions with a (relatively) clear head and to get the financial side in order.

My wife and children had time to talk it over and I met with the funeral director two weeks before Mom passed away to finalize the services.
Knowing everything was in order made it very easy when the time came. All I had to do was make one phone call when the time came to set wheels in motion....and I was 800 miles away when the call came.
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My 93+ mother had planned her funeral insurance but did not buy her burial plot. Family and I will decide that when we know where Mom will be living, either in OR or CA.
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