Seems like there are more options than many may realize but they all will involve leaving their home. But, here is my experience with my mother and now my sister. In the small city where my mother lived, the city operated what was called a mini-rise senior living complex. Three stories with elevators. You had your own apartment, you did your own laundry and housekeeping or you could pay someone to do it, you could bring your car if you can still drive. For a dollar, they had lunch during weekdays. Kitchen had cook stove, fridge and cabinets. Rent was based on income. My mom had only her SS for income and she managed to save money. A year after we moved her in, I asked if she missed her house. She said she wished she had moved years before. They had activities, bingo, Uno, singers at Christmas in the courtyard. Entrances to the courtyard where locked to outside entry a 9 p.m. I would guess that many towns have this option and it provided a lot of socialization. Then there is assisted living where a staff will look after some of your needs like laundry, housekeeping and even managing your meds. But you must be able to take your own showers, dress yourself and still if you can drive you can bring your car. Nice, roomy apartment where I moved my sister. Unfortunately, as her dementia took more control, she was moved to a lockdown wing where her outside access was only a courtyard. All meals provided and even snacks. The one she is in is also based on income, good or bad. My sis has a pretty good monthly retirement having worked as a family councilor. An army vet, she has a master's degree in Psychology but now dealing with "moderate dementia". The reason she was moved is she tried several times to walk away, thinking she was going to work or going to an interview for a position. Then of course there is a NH. And if and when it comes to that, you had better read up on how a NH bed is classified as Medicare vs Medicaid. Do NOT have SS or retirement checks direct deposited to the NH as the bed classification can switch back and forth depending on hospital stays. Its complicated and should be a separate discussion. Yes, I have had to deal with all this twice, my mother who passed away in 2006 and now my sister. Lastly, I realize I may have had an easier task of moving them both as both realized they could not live alone anymore. Even my sister in the early stages of dementia knew it. I did take my Mom to the mini-rise senior living complex for a visit so she'd know she still had some freedoms to come and go.

My husband broached this topic with his 92 year old mother at Xmas. She scoffed and insisted it was ridiculous. She manages well at home but only because she goes to bingo 3x a week, I take her shopping and to the MD, and she has a cleaning lady. In a year or two she will not be able to climb the 5 steps into her home. Very frustrating as my husband and I have become her main social network and it's become 'all about her' nowadays. Her daughters avoid helping her and have no intention of taking her into their homes. I have no idea how to solve this and would appreciate suggestions as we intend on doing a lot of traveling next year after this virus problem is solved.

Question. Will assisted care take a 100 year old or is it too late to try?

I would be very happy to have in home help, now, (if I could afford it), so I'm sure I'll be fine with it should I become decrepit in my old age.

My family avoided the talk by telling me that our mother could no longer live on her own, her dementia had progressed to being obvious to my siblings who lived nearby. I, of course said I'd move back up to Connecticut. There was no way I was going to have her moved out of her home. I cared for her for 10 and a half years, the last year having hospice at home. Certainly, this is not a viable choice for every family, but I am very glad I did it.

My friends, a brother and sister, dreaded this discussion with their parents. However, when that day finally came, to their amazement, Mom and Dad had already seen it coming. They agreed. Sometimes, using the term "downsize" might come in handy.

Sometimes the move has to be done by force. My MIL was taken to a nursing home strapped to a stretcher after falling multiple times during the night. The home health care agency refused to come any more unless they were engaged at her home 24 hr/day. Full time home care costs more than nursing home, and she could get Medicaid for nursing home (after money from sale of house and bank account was gone). She actually loved the nursing home as nutrition was better than the home aides prepared and a preacher came by twice a week to talk to her. She died there from heart failure at age 92 after three years.

I've done all of this. My father is blessed in that he has no financial problems, is still sharp, healthy, but his body isn't doing as well as everything else. He just won't move into senior living. I have overcome every obstacle he presents, but he just won't move. The apartments are one of the finest in our area. I wish I could move there it's so nice !! How can I convince him to move ?

When my husband was diagnosed with dementia I immediately knew we should move back to a senior living community in the city where our children lived. He resisted a little, but as I was making all the arrangements and would be with him, he agreed. After we moved, he kept saying we didn't belong there, but offered no suggestions on where to go. He had a major stroke after 15 months and died 3 weeks later in hospice. I wanted to return to our former city where I had friends, but that wasn't practical. I was grateful to have the new friends in the retirement community. After 3 years I moved as the rent as well as taxes on a single person had gotten too high--and my income had gone down as I didn't get his social security and only half his pension. I am doing well, but miss the camaraderie of the community and visit them from time to time.

I am constantly amazed are the similarities in our stories. My dad died last year and although he could not do anything around the house up to my mom's ridiculous standards and she could not either, everything got out of control, and now coupled with my mom's acute depression, increasing litany of illness real and imagined, the house has become a shrine to Daddy's memory. It's a friggin' mess! She won't allow anyone to come in yet constantly plays poor pitiful me along with the "I don't want to be a burden mantra". We have pretty much accepted that our future path will be when a crisis illness or fall occurs and then she will be forced to go to a care facility. It's sad and frustrating and yet no one including her 17 loving adult grandkids can reason with her. She instantly gets mad accusing us of conspiring behind her back, waiting for her to die, talking about her finances or trying to turn it around on us: "Well, if it's all that wonderful, you go live there!" She's scared of her own shadow, yet refuses to let anyone live with her and cannot understand why her single college-aged grandkids won't "stay with me." She refuses to throw anything out or give anyone anything. All I know is I have my work cut out for me. She also pouts and tries to make me feel guilty when I do anything with anyone else or even babysit my grandkids. I'll stop for now lol!

Here's an update from my previous on this thread from 2014. I still could not get my parents to move to a safer elderly friendly environment. Mom dug in her heels big time and said they could manage on their own. No caregivers, no cleaning service, I was lucky they hired a fellow to mow the lawn!!

It wasn't until years later that I realized I was enabling my parents to keep their lifestyle while changing my own. My parent had continued to live on their own with me being their wheels since they both had stopped driving. Mom wanted to prove herself right that they could manage on their own, and she died doing just that... [sigh].

What was so interesting was when my Mom was placed into long-term-care after a serious fall at their home, Dad wanted me to get caregivers for him. And 3 months later Mom passed, and Dad was now ready to pack and move to someplace safer as the house was too much for him, especially the stairs. He hasn't looked back. And was more then happy to sign papers to sell that house.

One belief I have not seen discussed in this type of article is that many seniors believe that they are somehow "safer" in their own home. In reality, their house has become a booby-trap for them. Because they are no longer able to do the maintenance, their house becomes very unsafe.

When dementia sets in, they stop paying their bills and paying their taxes. After my father nearly fell down the stairs I simply put my foot down and said, "it is no longer safe for you to live here because of X, Y, Z." I drove him to 3 different assisted-living places near the area where he grew up, so we could have a visit "for when the time came." After the visits, I asked him which place he liked best - so he would feel that he had a say in the matter. Having an elderly parent in poor health is no different than having a toddler in the home.

The move does not always need to be traumatic. In fact, many seniors have told me later that they wished they had moved sooner, because their life became so much EASIER once they unloaded their albatross home.

Hi. I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. It is really sad and exhausting! I don't think there is an easy fix to something like this. Unfortunately, a crisis type situation usually results in them being put into assisted living when they are this resistant. Be strong!

Jpclark, that sounds just like my dad. Maybe you can go to the doctor with them and write a note beforehand that you can give to the receptionist and have the doctor talk about your concerns while you are there. I have done that with my dad and it helps a little bit. Also get them to give you the paper that authorizes you to find out about their medical care so that you can call and ask questions when the person won't let you go in the room with them. My dad likes to lie about what they have said or if he doesn't like what they said he pretends they didn't say. he had a fall the other day and I took the doctor aside in the emergency room and had him till my dad in front of me that he should not drive so we have finally solved that problem. it is exhausting because you constantly have to manipulate them or make things their idea. I think my dad has dementia too but he has not been diagnosed yet. There are some good articles in discussions here on dementia just check the search option

I would like an article that deals with an 87 year old dementia patient who has "nothing wrong" with him (according to him) and REFUSES to have anyone help him at home and won't consider assisted living. He is becoming more reclusive and combative. He has been on Aricept, Namenda and Seroquel for quite some time. He won't listen to the neurologist and insists that all the doctors have misdiagnosed him. He memory and judgment are severely impaired and have been for years now.

When Mom was in rehab and wouldn't be going home, my daughter said then not to tell her its permanent. Daughter "planted the seed" that Mom would need to stay with me. She has been here 6 months and I've told her she can't go home. Also, that its being sold. But, I don't take her to the house. She thinks I'm taking her back. She also thinks when my nephew visits, he is here to take her home. (He lived with her) I probably will let my daughter handle telling Mom she w/b going to an AL. I really think she will enjoy it. She is a social person and doesn't get that just living her with me and DH. Andfriends visiting? Very rarely and we all live in the same town. They all know me and I keep saying to come visit. I think part of the problem is that Mom lived on a main road. So if her friends were out and about they would stop in. I live in a development.

Thank you for the advice, I've been trying to get my grandfather to go to a nursing home for a while now and he's quite resilient to the idea. I think it would really help us all and him. You see, he has dementia and it's been getting worse and worse lately. We don't have the time or resources to provide proper care for him, so it would be better if there was a home that could help with that. We'll keep talking to him, but thanks for the tips, they do help.

Steviegirl, ooh that is so sad about your mom, Parkinson is awful, but the "friends" not visiting is even worse!!! I wonder if you could call.tbem and explain that while it's not contagious, they themselves could develop Parkinson themselves some day, and wouldn't they want their "friends" to come for a visit? Seriously I don't get people who bail out on friend, when they need them most.

Any daughter in law I love you plus I'm missing my nyc life I left 6 years ago and embarked on this caregiving. Your hunger games comment made me laugh. My mother actually looked at IL living many years ago when THAT was a possibility. She can't understand why she can't go now even though she's an invalid due to Parkinsons. My mom's young too only 78 but has compromised health like she's 90+. It's sad because she too had dreams of travel, lunches with the girls and shopping. A full life. Now her life is filled with homecare, me. Her friends fell off the face of the earth except for the obligatory birthday and Christmas and one of her "friends" who lives less than 5 minutes away will leave the presents outside the door. Yet mom fears going to the resort like AL because she fears she will be so alone. She's more alone in this house. But eventually she will go there or a more skilled facility. Her Parkinson's will demand it.

I agree that the conversation needs to be ongoing. For us, it took us 6 months of not dropping the subject before they acquiesced. Unfortunately we had not discussed their living arrangements before it was too late to renovate their home into something that was even remotely accessible for a wheelchair and for a home health aide to assist in the bathroom. So, we had to open their eyes and they got very angry, made up every excuse in the book as to why they were perfectly fine where they were, and we ought to leave them be. But, at the same time, they didn't want us moving out of state to pursue our careers either. They wanted it their way and felt very entitled to push us away and pull us close at their whim. This was totally unfair and cost both me and my husband a lot of sleepless nights. In my opinion, our parents got to live their lives and now its our turn to live ours. Their sense of entitlement is maddening. They said they didn't want to be a burden and yet by resisting us and our efforts to move them to a safe, clean, ADA compliant building, they were burdening us because we got to the point where their needs just kept growing and we could not keep up. Plus, they were miserable people to be around because their lives had turned out nothing like what they envisioned their golden years would be like. My inlaws had visions of traveling the world, going on cruises, socializing with their friends, and driving around in their convertible. Life had other plans and gave my MIL multiple system atrophy and my FIL depression and such high anxiety that he can barely function and refuses medication. Now they're in an independent living residential building that is wonderful and all us "children" no longer worry about them eating well, bathing safely, etc. But to hear them tell it, one would think that we entered them into the Hunger Games.

Excellent article. I know I have been chickening out from having the talk with my parents. Earlier this year I previewed a wonderful 5-star resort type retirement place that is near by... it was so great I wanted to sign up for myself.... I gave the brochure to my parents and bragged about the community. Days later Dad gave me back the brochure and said it would be nice maybe a couple years from now.... I wanted to say HELLO!! you are 92 and 96..... [rolling eyes]. Guess I got my answer.

I think I am just hoping my parents would see for themselves they can no longer care of their large single family home. Last year they were able to rake and bag leaves... this year I noticed they aren't raking at all. They kinda hint for me to do the work, but I told them I don't rake/bag my own yard, I can't any more.

Dad did mention the other night that he can barely get up the stairs to the bedrooms and baths. I mentioned maybe he and Mom want to look at one-level living, and left it at that.

Time will tell.

We would want to put my grandparents into a senior home, but I'm not sure that would be the best idea for the home. We speculate they were both secret agents in the 50's and 60's because we never really knew what they did for a living yet they know several languages, martial arts, and ways to disarm people. In addition to that, they're super good escape artist. You pair all that with dementia, and you've got some really interesting home problems.

Great ideas. We baby boomers have parents who took their parenting jobs seriously. It was all about us. Now when it has to be all about them it is hard for them to give that mindset up. Moving them back north from sunny Florida to where their children are is a tough one.

Good article. When we began to feel that my mother-in-law was not safe staying in her home, we took her a a lovely assisted living nearby where my aunt lived. We just told her that we wanted to stop by to visit Joyce. While we were there we picked up their monthly meal menu and activity schedule. We visited my aunt in her room and saw how roomy and comfortable it was. In the following month we noticed that the menu was always beside her sofa. It was not long until she told us that she thought she would be better off there. So, we arranged the move.

When I began to go through her home, I found that things were much worse that I had noticed. The refrig was a health hazzard. It was very fortunate that she had not harmed herself. She seems content in her new home.