The personality changes are hard to take. And it took me way too long to realize that I could not trust my mother's answers, her cover-ups, her distortions of the truth.

For the longest time, I thought mom was (at various times) just being odd.....or playing the martyr card.....or refusing to acknowledge/empathize when someone's point of view did not echo her own. These quirks were always part of mom's personality.

I was exasperated by mom's "oppositional" traits magnifying as mom aged. I had no idea she was developing a brain disorder!

And.....sometimes mom said things were fine when they were not. But silly me, I believed her. When mom would go on about the stress of some of stepdad's health issues in his last years, I offered her/them help in as many ways I could think of. I offered to cook, clean, entertain, distract. The response was always, "No, I don't need that."

Fast forward a few years, and mom was alone and having flashes of senility. (Undiagnosed, of course. Would not see a doctor for anything. I had to get my family health history from mom's autopsy. That was grim.)

So, in mom's final years, I didn't know she had dementia. I started to suspect it. But I'd get hung up on how mom still knew names, faces, dates, birthdays, current events, sharp with math.....so nahhh, not dementia....right???

But wow, sometimes mom was so blank. Would periodically say things that didn't align with reality. Had very little to add to conversations. Stopped expressing interest in my life (ouch).

And of course, mom could showtime just enough that many people in her orbit gave me glowing accounts of how sweet she is, what a delight it is to chat with her at church, bla bla. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out where the h*ll mom's personality went. Or is mom gaslighting me??!?

Despite our differences, mom & I always "got each other" in an essential way. What a shock when I (belatedly) realized that real conversations were a thing of the past.

The last so-many years of mom's life, she and I exchanged information. But we no longer TALKED. Such a rip-off.

Just beautiful and true. Thank you

Mom--oh, how special!
She has always been such a dear, sweet, soft-spoken person....until she wasn't. She's been so creative, she could have kept several staffs of people busy producing things that would have made Disney look dull....IF she'd been blessed with unlimited resources. Things were wonderful--until they weren't.
Episodes of her "moods" as others quaintly called them, could be devastating.
She alternately alienated most of us during our growing up and adulthood--usually eventually [sometimes years later] allowed to settle into the dustbins of memory, and relationships to resume...on safer levels.
Good thing it was not all at once!

Even her own Mother stewed and wrung her hands over "who will take care of my daughter when I am gone?"
She knew Mom was a "special case", though, never tried to get her the help she really needed--mental health help, and help for having had numerous head injuries--brain injuries cause all kinds of behavioral issues.
But then, there was little of that until fairly recently, so most people with things like that, just kept low under the radar, and made the best they could of their lives.
It often meant that their kids suffered.
It often meant an altogether too "interesting" life.
It is trouble, heartache, losses, and more hurt.
One gets the Mom they get. Moms and Dads do the best they know how to do, under the life circumstances they have.
We, the kids, get to choose how we handle that, though.
Their behaviors cannot be excused--they are still responsible for their behaviors and the consequences....everybody is.
But, God willing, if they can learn to moderate their behaviors, things might get some better.
It's been futile and useless to try talking with my Mom about anything real.
But I could still love her anyway.
And maintain my distance to prevent her causing me more harm. Now that I have reached elder-hood, it's past-due to stop throwing myself against my family;s brick wall of bad behaviors...to stop allowing that part of my family doing me further harm.

Was Mom right? That depends.
Sometimes, there was good advice. She has set some examples we all learned good lessons from--some good, some hard.
OTH, she was dead-wrong in many things...
But when in the moment, people make the best choices they know how...even if they aren't particularly good ones, it is what it is, and cannot be changed later--only learned from.
No matter what, love.
Even if that can only be from a safe distance.

As a parent and mother myself, I know how hard it is to be a good mom. I am a mom to two young men and often when I mean to say something kind, it comes out the other way. Or when I want the best for them, they hear it as criticism. Then I think back on my mom and dad and realize they did the best they could. At times they were tired, overworked, didn't find the right words... and wanted the best for us.

Now when things happen in my family that are not going well, we try to talk it out and learn from it. We are all human... always learning, and none of us meets the expectations of Hallmark cards. We are family and it's such a special thing for us to learn and grow together.

As my mom was aging and finally died, it was heartbreaking to lose the woman who used to be my cheerleader. She became critical and self focused. I think she needed to be that way at the end stage. I lost my mom and ended up with HUGE responsibility for her caregiving... it as hard and scary.

I hope I learned how to handle that life transition. She was a completely different person, scared, critical, snappy, most of the time and mostly to me. I had to keep considering what she must be going through, knowing that her party would soon be over and there was no going back. She was nearly done and she was SCARED! I hope I helped her and am so thankful for all the efforts she made in my life. Even though neither she nor my dad were anywhere near perfect, I know they tried their best and that will always be good enough for me.

Lottie - sorry for the delay - been busy (you can imagine) - No, no siblings (both deceased), worthless featherbrained nieces & sister in law more interested in their make-up and hair than in grandma, got a daily person through medicare & senior center for a couple hours 4 days a week, that's about all the social worker said we can expect. Mom will not (note that, - Will Not) be "dropped off" at the senior center, does not really want anything to do with it. (Actually, she really does not like other women - possibly steming from her lack of self-esteem and insecurity). I had to jump through hoops to even get some volunteer help when I had my own knee surgery. Pretty stuck and feeling trapped.

any tips on how to give med's to a dememtia family members that truly believes they have already had them 5 minutes earlier?

Is this a trick question?

A PhD in Child Abuse, Mom believed regular corporal punishment -- no reason needed -- and a myriad terror tactics were crucial for the proper development of her children. Some say she should have been "fixed" instead of being allowed to spit 14 children into a world beyond dysfunction.

Of the 5 children she had with Dad, I was the only male. As such, I was the target of her constant rage after they divorced. After all, how could you love something that reminds you of something you hate? For many years I tried the whole "forgiveness" thing in order to heal. But the psychological wounds were so deep I had no choice but learn to live with them.

Today, I don't hate her. I just feel sorry for for a woman who still chooses to find a pretext for her tyranny instead of admitting she didn't want to bother growing up alongside her children. ... I guess that's the only way her conscience will leave her alone.

She never had the desire -- nor the inclination -- to become a parent; nor a better woman or human being. Yet somehow she deluded herself into believing she's a quasi-divine martyr to be worshipped by 14 helpless slaves expected to pay tribute for the rest of their lives.

Did she know best? ... You have to be kidding me.

-- ED

madge1, I don't know if my mother was playing games or she is too frail to move around outside. I had a vague feeling in the back of my mind that I should be including her somehow. But I was having such a good time I never bothered. After my son's family left I was alone with my mother and she said something about me not liking her. I agreed. I said she made me really tired. I've been at this caregiving for 7 years or more now and I've come to the end of my capacity to feel anything for her. I don't care anymore and now she is aware of it. Oddly enough she seems to have dialed back the manipulations and complaints.

For DT. If you have siblings, they should help. Are there any "Elder Day Care" places where you could leave your mother to find friends and maybe have lunch? I'm not talking about Senior Citizens Groups. Taking care of ANYONE full time can burn you out if you cannot switch to diversion from time to time. Pray for strength and ideas.
Lottie

DT, I think we were separated at birth. I Listened to her complain about my father (and yes he was a narcissist too) all my life. When he died I realized I had absolutely nothing with the guy and he was verbally abusive to me. She acknowledged that he was abusive, but of course she had no part in this, and then one upped me with some silly story about herself. I have realized people with personality disorders marry people with personality disorders. No one else would have them! After reading many, many posts on this site, I realize there are certain patterns self centered people have. Me, me, me and some more me. When you realize this it makes it easier to insulate yourself. I have finally just distanced myself for the last few months and it has been much, much easier than I initially thought it would be. Good luck

madge - Your mom and mine would make a pair - either they would kill each other or bore each other to death. Can you imagine the one-upsmanship on complaints? If I say I have a headache, hers is about to split in two, if my toe hurts, her entire leg should be amputated because of the pain. Get the picture? If you have been reading my notes, yes, mom has always been this way but the characteristics have evolved. She totally identified herself by being obsessed with housekeeping and has always had the shallowest of concepts about what goes on outside her house. Now that she cannot do the work anymore, she compensates. I have asked her about historical things that went on in her time, like Pearl Harbor, she says she can't remember much about it. As to early comlaining, it was more like we kids were in her way and made more work for her. Even dad was not exempt - he disappointed her from I guess practically the very beginning and she never forgave him, yet one of her main objects of life was to make his life miserable. She was never really able to do so, as dad was a narcissist and nothing she could say could crack the shell. Just made the rest of us miserable. No, she is not making me crazy, just very very sad that the rest of my active years are being userped by her whether I like it or not, resist it with all my will, or not. I feel pretty much trapped, but she accepts that as her just due.

I need to add that I love my mother very much. I think that I'm also very resentful towards my siblings. I have 6 and only one of them helps. They always have something else to do. I cannot get them to help and I can't afford to hire help.

Even though I've given up the fantasy about having a loving, sweet, nurturing Mom. I need to add that she still makes me crazy. She, also, complains a lot. Mostly about my husband who has dementia. It seems to me that she always told me, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I guess that applies to others, not to her. She knows everything and is never, ever wrong. If you dare to challenge any of her premises you'd better duck and cover. She has been living with us for six years...I have finally demanded she leave. Neither my husband nor I can stand her tirades and self-righteousness. I am just trying to preserve my sanity. I did need to stop making myself miserable with a fantasy that was never going to come true. And I need to not be around her so much, so there will be fewer opportunities to get to me.

DT, has she always done this? My Mom always was a complainer. My take is they love doing this because it puts the focus on them. Mom is very selfish, has no empathy for anyone else. Just poor, poor, me. She is 80 and in excellent health but if she doesn't want to do something she is suddenly "not able". But she can shop 6 out of 7 days a week. And only for herself, she is very stingy. I have stopped having anything to do with her, she also lies. Don't let your Mom drive you crazy, I think they enjoy this.

I once asked my mother why she complained so much, her reply was that if she didn't complain she would not know what else to say. Yet I can't get her interested in anything else. If anyone has any idea in how to stop someone from wallowing in self-pity, let me know.

I'm taking care of my mother in my home. It has changed our entire relationship. I used to enjoy talking to her, for the most part, and now she really just annoys me. I don't know if I'm just tired of taking care of her or what. She complains constantly about everything. This really bothers me. Even on the occassional day when she does not complain about how I made her sandwich or something I said or did that was wrong, she still basically just gets on my nerves. I feel like I'm having to give up so much just to take care of her and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I'm a Christain and I know that feeling this way is wrong. I try not to resent having to tend to her, but no matter how hard I try, I still basically resent having to do it. Any suggestions on how I can be ok with this?

maggiesue, interesting your Mom wouldn't join you all outside. Is she really feeble or just a pain in the butt. My Mom has done this for years. Last time I made the ten hours drive to her house, we all decided to sit out on her front porch. My brother, his wife, myself and my husband. She poked her head out the front door just to let us know she would be in the family room. We just laughed and stayed put. With Mom it is just one more thing on her long list of control issues. :)

It's nice to read about a mother you never had. I kept hoping for many years I would get warmth and kindness from my mother. My head would tell me it will never happen but my heart kept yearning. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to get over it and see the situation for what it was and continues to be.

We had a great time on Mother's Day. My son and his wife and her mother and the girls met up at with me at my mother's house. She has a wonderful backyard and the kids played hard and joyfully. My mother won't go into the back because she's afraid of falling. So we were all out there without her while she watched from her small deck. It was great.

BTW we spent no money on cards or gifts. The only expense was some food and the gas to get to her house.

Lucky you. Not everyone is so.

Lottie, you brought tears to my eyes. God bless you.

I feel sorry for the posts above. My Mom was the person they wanted their mothers to be. We lived through the depression, but Mom never let us think we were poor. Money was scarce, but she saved (from heaven knows where) money so I could take piano lessons. We went to Catholic school and took our lunch in brown paper bags. There was always a treat ( celery sticks with peanut butter on them) The other kids were amazed. Mom came from a loving family with seven siblings, who slipped her a $20. from time to time. Her sister made most of my sister and my lovely clothes. I could go on and on. My two brothers and my sister are still very close. We visit when we get the chance (but with gas prices rising we'll have to cut back). Our own daughter is a loving, caring, giving mother, so I must have done something right. Love starts in the intellect and ends up in the heart. After Dad died, my husband invited Mom to come live with us. He took her on some vacations with us. She thought she was in heaven as she never traveled far from home. I miss her. . She died when she was 94,Happy Mother's Day Mom

losing my mother when she was only 36 yrs old and i only 16 at the time was left to raise my 4 other siblings.but so many unanwsered questions!! why didnt yiu have time for us instead of chasing my drunken father w/other women?why did i have to clean our realatives houses and roll there hair ,rake yards ect for my owm deordant and girl products. and i can never ask her why she left her money and family home to a grandmother who moved in and kicked us all out no money no house no car.and oh by the way my dad was murder right after she passed,so no help and young and ingorant about the law. so if you ever think that watching your parents age is horrible. trust me i would have loved to be in your shoes. i now have my mothers sister that is 80 yrs old w/dementia living w/me 24/7.after being finicially raped by other family members.left homeless and put out on the side of the road. please let me watch you parents age and you walk in my shoes. nothing in life is free not even your emotinal needs. it all comes with a price.and that being said have a great moms day!!!!

Leave it to American commercialism to distort a holiday, like Christmas and Halloween. The reward theory only works well in training animals, not "just because". Moms, dads, kids should only have reward if it is earned.

Anna Jarvis, the founder of "Mother's Day" became a major opponent of what the holiday had become and spent all her inheritance and the rest of her life fighting what she saw as an abuse of the celebration. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day

Anna Jarvis, mother Ann Jarvis had founded Mothers' Day Work Clubs in five cities to improve sanitary and health conditions. The Mothers' Day Work Clubs also treated wounds, fed, and clothed both Union and Confederate soldiers with neutrality. Ironically, Ann never married, had no children and like her sister died in poverty. Ann was 43 when she started "Mother's Day" and was 85 when she died a very bitter and poor person. All of this makes me wonder about the rest of the story.

Don't count on Mother's Day dying out any time soon. There is much to much commerce at stake.Who ever thought of Mother's Day must have realized the money to be made from guilt.

I've never liked Mother's Day and neither does my wife. It's strange that we celebrate the death of someone's mom on this day which sounds rather morbid. Maybe "Mother's Day" should be allowed to die out.

oneandonly, if you are different from your mom now, you won't get like her in the future so don't you go thinking about falling under a bus ANYTIME!!! You must be doing a good job in looking after her if she is now 98 so the next time she finds fault with you, just remind her of that little fact. And if she finds fault with things other than the way you look after her, tell her that you can't do it ALL right so you can continue to look after her well or you can start correcting the other things she criticizes. And if she persists each day, remind her how long she is living (thanks to your care) or what your two choices are - her care or other things. Don't accept anymore of the criticism from this ungrateful woman who has always been critical and negative. When you are in your OWN home you shouldn't have to be wishing you had some place to hide. 5 years of putting up with her behaviour is 4 years and 364 days too many as far as I'm concerned. Please stand up for yourself because obviously she isn't giving you a sweet tweet of consideration.

Three cheers for you, sweisner!!! I think giving up the fantasy will do wonders for your relationship with your mom. It should work wonders for any child-parent relationship. Now, if only all the moms out there would give up their fantasy about what their children should be.

It felt so good to read that I am not the only one having a hard time buying my mom a mother's day card. They are all so mushy, warm and fuzzy and that is not my relationship with my mom now. Maybe a long time ago before she came to live with me (5 yrs ago).My mom has always been crictical and negative but we didn't live together and although she lived a mile away I could still go home to my house and escape her when she got to me. Now I have nowhere to hide. I thought she would not last this long (she is 98!!) but I guess I most be doing a good job because although she does have health issues ( her mind is still pretty good) there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't find fault with me. She drives me crazy!!!! Every day is like a roller coaster but I want to get off and it won't stop!!
I promised my kids and myself that I will fall under a bus before I get like her!!!
Well, Happy Mother's Day to all my caregiver friends and remember you are not alone in this journey.
oneandonly

I've always hated mother's day. my mother was mean and abusive and thought only of herself. now she is 80, I help her out and have come to some resolution concerning her. she is still self centered, lives with my brother and his wife and kids - and expects my brother's wife to pay for her meals on wheels. never would have occured to her to volunteer to help others. oh well.