when i worked at AG we did this stuff all the time.. it works great and it helps... when you just cant get control.. make control!!

This nightmare is so common, and so hard to deal with. She wants to go "home" to her childhood home. The best you can do is distract her when you can. Sometimes, getting her in the car and saying, "Okay, we'll go home now," and driving around a couple of blocks can help. But you are coping with something that can't be fixed. You know she's home, but telling her that will only upset her, so trying to get her mind off of it, or even going to another room, sometimes works. Agreeing is the only thing to do, as arguing won't do anything but upset her.

You could also try saying, "Tell me all about home, Mom." Encourage her - maybe she'll talk about her childhood home.

Blessing to you and your dad. This is so heart breaking.
Carol

My mom wants to go home every night but she IS home she is 84 and dad is 87 I am going carzy because I can't fix this nightmare .

This sight is a blessing. Just yesterday I was thinking about when I worked in a juvenile facility, and we did an excercise with the boys about empathy. We let each boy be a houseparent for an hour. There were ground rules, ect. But each boy said they never realized how hard it was to be "in charge".
I found myself being alot more patient yesterday, because I would try to put myself in her place. When that look of confusion would go across her face because she forgot what happened yesterday, I would try to see the world thru her eyes. How absolutely frightening!
She know she is forgetting and it makes her angry, embarrased, afraid, ect. I pray I remember this when I am getting ready to pull out my hair.
And I too "go along" with things with her when she is getting very worried and upset about some things. She has a belief that she is very ill and we are not telling her. Which brought to mind the question, has her family told her she has dementia? I really believe if she knew what was wrong she may feel less afraid. Even if I have to explain it to her 5,000 times wouldn't that be better than just letting her wonder what is wrong?
I will contact the family today and have this conversation with them. Since I am feeling like they have "dumped" her, and they do enough to appease thier own guilt, and I am the one with her everyday, why shouldn't I be able to reassure her. I will be taking this in a more positive direction as her fear is very real. I hate to see her so unsure of why she does the things she does. It may do no good at all, but it is worth a try.
Any suggestions?

Yes, indeed. She could have been raped when she was a teen. If she used the word rape, it came from somewhere.

If she just indicated something happened she didn't like, it could be that the caregiver was bathing her and she was so embarrassed or confused because someone other than her husband touched her intimately, that is different.

But if she used the word rape, I think you could be onto something. Often, in later stages, people are in their teens, in their brain. That's one reason they don't recognize themselves in a mirror. They don't know that "old person" at all.

You did the right thing in having her examined. Since there was no evidence that she was assaulted, then you can still rest assured you took the right steps. Hopefully the young man was vindicated with his employer, as well.

If it hasn't already been done, she and the man would be best separated in the care center, because he may remind her of a past trauma, and he doesn't need to be repeatedly accused. I'm sure the center has already taken steps to get her another caregiver, for both of their sakes.

You can listen to her if she brings it up, and say, "It must have been horrible. Tell me about it." Of course, if you can distract her, that's better yet, but that doesn't always work, and you don't want to make her think you feel she is lying. She may have been raped and told she was lying if she tried to report it. We don't always know what is going on in their heads, but they deserve our best efforts to bring comfort. You sound like a great caregiver.
Carol

My mother has dementia and recently she kept saying that her male PCA raped her. She is 89 years old. I took her to emergency room and told them she is stating that she was raped by her PCA and I want her examined. After extensive tests, elderly services being notified, the police were called in, there was no evidence of any trauma to her private areas and no evidence to substantiate her complaint. I am wondering if she is going back in time and was possibly raped many many years ago and something triggered her memory thinking that it is happening now. Could this be possible? I am still learning how to care for a parent with dementia. Thank you.

Woohoo! Let the nurses think you're nutty. You were a genius. Congratulations. You made Grandma feel comfortable and understood. How wonderful is that?
Carol

When my Grandma was dying she used to believe there were lots of people in the room and refuse to do things like change clothes, go to the bathroom, or go to bed. Others would try to tell her they werent there and she would just get so confused. I took it upon myself to be the "hostess" and would ask her who she was uncomfortable with and I would go to where she pointed and ask them to leave. Luckily for me they always did! Sometimes I just had to tap my glass and make an announcement to ask them to leave. Thank God, it worked every time, I would have been stuck if I had unruly guests! Nurses thought I was a bit nutty but it was so much easier on my grandma and isnt that the point?

Bless you, Kim. I took a lot of abuse early on, from a psychiatrist, because my "behavior" wasn't what they wanted from me with my dad. Then, after about five years of doing what I knew was right for him (regardless), a different psychiatrist noticed all the "fake" degress on my dad's walls and all the business cards and things and asked where I "learned" this. I said it was all that made sense to me, as his daughter. I didn't let the scoldings from the first doctor deter me, and I can see you will hang in no matter what, as well.

Aren't those rare moments when they suddenly come out of the dementia for a few seconds priceless? One day my dad - my real dad - looked up at me and said "My universe has gotten so small." Then he was back - lost in his world. I choke up even as I write this. It's so painful that they know. It would be easier if they didn't know.

Hang in, Kim, and keep in touch. We all need you.
Carol

No Carol you made my day when I read your story. One benefit for me is that I have been in the medical feild for over 12 years now and I have spent many years helping and caring for people like my Uncle, so all that has been a great benefit for me. There are days when I sit and just stare at him ( when he is napping of course) and think of the past 30 plus years and wonder how he became who is today. In just a matter of months he become some one that I remember from years ago as well as a stranger. Very frustrating and heart wrenching to witness, I can only imagine what his thoughts are when he is "in his right mind" which is not often now a days, but none the less he knows what is going on and it must be horrible. I will cherish every memory he has that he makes alive in the "now" and I will engage with him as if that is where we are at that very moment, no matter what or where his thoughts take him, I will be there with him for the ride. I will never alow any one to disengage with him, or disrespect him, or make him feel less dignafied. He will live each day of the rest of his life with respect, love, dignity, values and every ounce of pride he had 20 years ago. Once again thank you for sharing your story and I truly hope others take every word you said to heart and go with it, it will be one of the greatest acts they can give to their love one during there last years.
Kim

You did do your best and it was fabulous! Congratulations for thinking of that in the middle of the night. You knew arguing with him was useless, and you made him feel good and validated. It was all very real to him and there was no sense in making him feel bad. I'm also glad you both got a nap to catch up on sleep. That is a memory that will remain with you as one of the precious times you had with him - long after he's gone. You made my day.
Carol

That is a very great story and I am very pleased to know that I am not alone when I "enable" my Uncle's wild thoughts. He used to own a bar and later on sold that and bought a store. The bar that he sold was serving to minors and HE was the one who helped to bring that to the attention of the athorities. The other night he was having those memories and woke me up at 3 am to talk about the action plan to stop that bar from seriving minors because it was just wrong. I was very much not awake, but I did just as you did. I went along with his "reality" and we talked till morning about what we will do to stop that and all was good! After we both had a little nap he never brought up that topic again or at least not yet! lol! So I believe that it is the right thing to do and go along with them on their past adventures they no longer live in the present or future and I will take what I can even if it is from the past. So good job and I hope every one takes this advice and just go on the ride with their loved one. Enjoy it while you can

I would say it's not likely, but I would not discourage you from looking. Check with your state Human Services Department. They may be aware of grants or low interest loans that could help. If your mother is a veteran or your father was a veteran, you could check with veterans-express.com. Note that this is not a government site, but they link you to government sites and may give you ideas of where to search and what questions to ask.

As with most help, states and counties have a great deal to do with how much you quailify for and what is available, so there really isn't a short cut, but state and county human services people should have a handle on what help is offered. If you go online and type your state and .gov (dot gov), you will probably get to your state's main Web page. From there, hopefully, you can find Human Services or something similar.

It may take some digging, but those are the people that can help on the state level. The county level may be easier, but they also may have fewer resources. Make sure you inquire about respite care, as well, so you have some time to yourself. If you are making all of these phone calls, ask as many questions as you can. It will save time later. Good luck with your search. If more help were given to families in the early stages of care, maybe it wouldn't be so expensive on during the late stages of care.

Carol

I have just recently moved my mom into my home, I am afraid she will never be able to live by herself again. We are going to add on to our house to accomodate her. Are there any kind of funds available to assist in anything like this?

It's extremely sad to have to see this happening to someone you love. Does she have dementia, or is this schizophrenia or another mental health issue? If she is "slowly slipping away," it sounds like she isn't expected to recover. So, in that case, I'd go along with her wedding plans. It sounds like it's the planning she is "into," - not the wedding. You can drag out planning for a long time. If she has Alzheimer's, she may just be stuck back in the time of her life where she was that age and planning her wedding. It's very real to her. You could even get her wedding magazines and such. I guess you'll have to see what the tests show, and go from there. Please check back and update us when you know more.

Take care of yourself, too. I hope you have good support. We know what you are coping with and look forward to hearing from you again. We support each other.

Carol

my mom ic confinced she is getting married, she is not but to her it is real. she has everything planned out, she hears music, people that are not there. she is in the hospital in the behavior mental ward. we do not know what the tests will find, but we will do everything we can to help her. it is hard to know that she is slowly slipping away. we really do not know what to do.

Thank You. I am totally ashame of myself as a therapist that I did not think of that. My mother thinks that she lives by herslf and has caught the bus tro come over to my house for a visit. She also says that she does not live with me and that she two dogs and must go home at dark to feed them. I often find myself getting upset attempting to bring her back to reality. However, as you said what's real to them is real. Lately, I have being saying that's right and your room is down the hall, let's go to bed. Fortunately, we have one dog that just loves her and follows her every where. So far that has been working. " Validation" is the key.

Thank you.