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helpmom, hugs to you. What a difficult situation! You doubt that she fell. What do you think happened?
When my husband fell from a ladder onto his head, he was very paranoid in the hospital, believed there was a conspiracy against him, etc. He recovered. Ten years later he developed dementia and again we dealt with paranoia and anger.
Several things can cause the behavior disturbances you see in your mother. Now that she is hospitalized let us hope the cause can be diagnosed and a treatmen plan set up.
A couple of tips for coping with this: 1. Don't take it personally. I know this is obvious, and I also know that sometimes the obvious gets lost in a crisis. You mother doesn't hate you and knows, on some level, that you are doing your best for her. Do not get wrapped up in her accusations. Whatever turns out to be at the bottom of this behavior it isn't your real mother's real feelings. 2. Try not to argue. This is hard, when the statements are so blatantly false. Your goal isn't to have her know the "truth" -- it is to comfort her and calm her.
The prognosis depends on the cause. For example if there is swelling in the brain due to a bump, things will improve when the swellin goes down. From my expeience I'd also say that getting a diagnosis may not be as easy as we wish.
Be glad that your mother is in a safe place and is being cared for. Hope they can get to the bottom of this and come up with a treatment plan. Be good to your mother and to yourself.
About a week ago, my 90 year old mother accused me of leaving her one day and not telling her I wasn't comong bace...I haven't lived with her for approx 43 years. Since then she's become increasingly angry and accusative. We brought her to the hospital after she fell and banged her head (although I doubt she actually fell) and she's been in the hospital for 3 days. During that time she's vocalized about a conspiracy, that I kidnapped her and brought her there and that we are trying to kill her..the doctors and nurses are part of the conspiracy. Help!
You all are so wonderful. You know the heartbreak of what we witness when someone we love lives with dementia. Honoring them is the best we can do - and supporting each other. Thank you so much for all of the comments. Carol
That is just how I handled my grandmother who had Alzheimer's. If she said it was wednesday, then by golly it WAS wednesday even if it was monday and I would make sure everyone knew it! My grandmother had been terribly upset by other relatives and even an idiot of a doctor when they kept correcting her in the earlier stages of the disease. They kept on trying to "bring her back to reality" and it upset her and made her cry and I got to the point where I was going to ban anyone from visiting who did that to her. She would cry "I must be crazy" and I would hug her and say "You're not crazy. It IS wednesday (or raining or snowing or the sky was very green). He is just being silly." I also got a new doctor! In the early stages, they do know that something is wrong some of the time and we can make it easier for them. Whatever she thought was her reality and though it was like having a part in a play, I played along with whatever she said and took what she said as seriously as if it was true.
Lisamac, I think I know what you mean. How can we go along with the dreadful things they believe? Doesn't that just make matters worse?
I think I'd stive for acknowledging the reality of their feelings without agreeing with the particulars. "Oh Dad, it must feel awful to have some of your favorite things missing! And if your best friend stole them from you while he was visiting, you must feel really betrayed. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am going to look extra hard and see if that watch might show up again. If Pete took it that is terrible, but I think maybe it just got lost."
Don't beat yourself up, lisamac, if you can't come up with the perfect balance of support and reassurance that the bad things aren't happening. Just try to be comforting without being confrontational. Do your best and keep loving your father.
I am a CNA and work with dementia residents in the nursing home. I also go along with their reality. I have a woman who will roam the halls for hours looking for her home. When I come in I tell her if she gets some sleep when she wakes up I will help dress her and drive her home. If I don't do that she will search all night. In the mornings she never remembers anyway so I see no harm.
My Dad is in a psychiatric hospital now because he is so suspicious & agitated. Surely it wouldn't be good to support his beliefs now? But of course reassuring/arguing doesn't help any right now.
What a beautiful article! What a beautiful heart you have! My parents and brother are gone now--and doing what we could to help them enjoy "the world they were in"--and only one of them had dementia--was uppermost in our hearts. Thank you for so eloquently expressing this way to "honor our parents".
My mother has Alzheimers but rather than delusions, she will for a moment almost remember something or someone. She sometimes thinks I'm her mother, her sister (she is an only child!), a very nice lady who takes care of her, and very, very, rarely she will tell someone "this is my daughter," when I am not expecting it.
I miss my mother and want her back. Too bad that is not going to happen.
Thank you all for sharing, so Beautiful... What's Good about my Mom and for me, she has very few lucid moments when she wonders why she can't do anything(88 and bed-ridden), I just tell her she had a stroke and that caused all her illness and she accepts this! I often think I'm glad she's not aware, I don't know how she could bare IT! She's been tacking care of herself almost by herself most of her life...
Thanks for the encouragement and validation that i know my mom better than strangers or even well meaning friends. It has always made more sense to me to enter their reality and diffuse the fear than add to it ny making them feel degraded or patronized. After all what is the goal... making them feelbetter or proving I'm right they are wrong! Congrats for thinking outsidethe box amidst criticism!!
mamapie2, I think that you need to follow Carol's example. Her father needed to see "his medical degree" so she brought it in and hung it on the wall (after designing it and printing it on her computer). People are bothering your mother over the phone line. Isn't it lucky you were able to find a good source for a special phone cord that blocks out interference? It happens to be a different color than the one she has now, but that way she'll know it is special! And in a bed & bath department you can find a nice linen spray, print up a nice new label for it, and teach your mother to spray it very lightly in a figure eight pattern over her pillow and also on the sheet at the foot of her bed. This will absolutely protect her from stinging.
You are not going to convince her that these problems don't exist, no matter how many cameras and recorders you bring in. The problems are her reality. Help her solve them. That reassures her that you take her seriously, that you are on her side, and that you are doing something about it.
One of my favorite 3 am caregiver stories is the man who insisted there was a fishhook stuck in his blanket and scratching him. His wife got up to find a pliers and while she was out, hid a lure in her hand. She looked all over the blanket and whaddya know? she was able to extract that ol' fish hook and show it to her husband. They both slept well the rest of the night!
My mom is 77 and hearing things that aren't there: she thinks she is being bullied by people in the phone lines ( kind of like the CIA). We've tried everything and she's convinced the come and go when she's not home and when she can't find things they've taken it all. They also sting her when she sleeps so many nights she doesn't sleep and we don't know what to do. This just started 6 months ago and we have bought camera's and recorder's to try to get pictures and sound to back up her claims but of course there is none. What to do ????
I am new to all of this ,my mother is going through with all of the above you mentioned . She is 92 and experienced world war 2 in Asia . January of this year I went through it while she is relieving it all over again. I just made sure she knows we are safe? I did not know what to do but my instinct said just go with it for a moment. She's in different stages of her zone. I call it zone when she's on. What helps me was before all this happen she was a story teller and I love listening to her then in a good day I make her tell story from her early day. Her story help me recognize things and know she's not crazy. She lives with me and I have a care giver for her and she is great.
My mother has Dementia. She has always dressed herself, fed herself etc. I work during the day and my daughter-in-law stays home with mom. She'll tell me how everything went everyday, usually not good as my mom liked to mess with her. This week I have been off work and am alarmed at my mothers behaviour. She is not herself and is walking around calling my name and asking for her mother. I ask her whats wrong and she's talking like a baby. Is this normal for someone with dementia? She always had bad days but this turn seems extreme. Someone Help Please!
What a wonderful daughter you are and you are so right to say what you think . God gave us a brain to use and when it get broken that is it!. bravo for you and other who help the broken brains hugs and lots of love for a loving daughter,johnnycares.
I truly believe that to keep our elders alive by medicine that is experimental and by nursing homes and on medicare is costly and inhumane. We have accepted putting our animals down when they are sick and cannot be cured and we have also accepted abortion (in some states, where it is legal) to put families and loved ones thru the torture of watching our loved one go thru losing their brains and keeping them alive by medicine and like i stated earlier, nursing homes and the like is greed on the part of the Dr's.and medical companies and bleeding the medicare system to a degree on just about going broke by continuing on with this ridiculous policy because no one will stand up and fight for the dignity of our loved ones that are truly the ones that are suffering because no one will acknowledge the disease and that there is NO cure for it now or in the future. Let them go to a better place and let their loved ones go on to a better place-Heaven. Stop the suffering and humility and stop making them all have to spend the money they acquired during their lifetime to lose it to the greed.
My mom is in the throws of mid-stage moderate dementia, and is having the "this is not my house" attacks every day. At first we were pointing out that she is in her house and surrounded by pictures of all her children and grandchildren. Lately we've been consoling her by agreeing that either her nurse or me did in fact drive her to this house, and that one of us will take her back before bedtime to her house. Also as we have discovered over the last three weeks, she takes story lines from TV series (such as The Waltons) to be real in her life and will make statements substituting the names of her family members. Since making that connection, we are playing DirecTV channel 828 much more often now and letting her enjoy the Southern gospel singers she likes so well. That helps for a much better day. We may not stay as "up" on the radio and tv news nor see other programs as we would like, but at least Mom doesn't have this world's confusion causing her more confusion than necessary. We'll just increase our reading ability and catch up online or watch after she goes to bed.
MY MOTHER IS 90 AND IN GOOD SHAPE PHYSICALLY EXCEPT FOR HER VISION. HOWEVER, SHE IS GOING CRAZY HIDING AND MOVING THINGS AROUND CONSTANTLY BECAUSE SHE IS CONVINCED Y GIRLFRIEND IS GOING INTO HER APARTMENT. SHE THINKS SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL HER BY SWITCHING HER MEDS OR HIDING THEM. IN REALITY SHE IS MOVING EVERYTHING HERSELF. HOW CAN I VALIDATE THIS DELUSION. I ALREADY HAD THE LOCCKS CHANGED. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WHEN SHE DOES GO OU T WITH ME I CAN'T TELL ANYONE. IT IS SO HARD BECAUSE I AM VERY CLOSE WITH MY FRIEND AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY FRIEND EITHER.
As a certified Validation Master affilitiated with the Validation Training Institute (www.vfvalidation.org), I've been looking for blog references to Validation. You definitely discovered an important element of the Validation Method on your own, and that's a testament to your deep care, respectful approach, and empathic attitude. By seeking to enter his world, you found relief for him and yourself. I invite you and your readers to learn more about this method, developed by someone who has been learning from elders for most of her 78 years.
It is a personal and persnickety one. Grandpa won't use any kind of adhesive so in major coughing fits we simply expect to see them fly out of his mouth onto the table. You can't Make them do or be satisfied with anything. But I hope somehow you can figure out what it is exactly she needs.
My mother needed proper fitting dentures after going without a set for years, due to cost, and two types of cancer which she dealt with and made it through treatments. She picked the dr.,got the first set and is unhappy with them and we've made 7 trips thus far, trying to get them fitted to her satisfaction. She insists they'll never fit....at this point, finances come into the picture, the client obligation is taking supposed to be deducted from her monthly payments. It's a total mess, I don't know what to do. Does any one have words of wisdom? She's living in an assisted living complex apt. Thanks for any help.
most towns have a elderly program where they get so much funding each yr to help those in need. In our community it is called upper des moines. They also help with utilitys bills.
Does anyone know if studies have been done to try to determine what the brain is doing when the demented person is off in his/her own world or when the person can't remember things that happened just yesterday. I know that I, myself, feel sort of a "dead spot" in my head when I can't remember some little thing. It's like I know what drawer the info is in but I can't work the key that unlocks the drawer. I am wondering if this is how dementia feels only a gazillion times worse. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have the feeling of many "dead spots" in my brain. This is why I am wondering if studies have been done concerning this. I would certainly like to read them (when/if I can find time) if there are papers written about this.
I think the validation theory is marvelous. We all like to feel validated and it sounds like if a caregiver goes along with what the demented person is imagining, in most cases, it is quite an adventure. It is sort of like telling a child there is no boogey man under the bed so forget it. That does no good as a general rule. However, checking with the child under the bed to see that there is no bogeyman can be helpful or even telling the boogey man to come out and then chasing him out of the house and putting an invisible barrier up that bans the boogey man from ever returning again can put an end to that boogey man forever. To really care I think a person has to try to imagine what it would be like to walk in the other person's mocassins. I think this would lead to a better understanding of each other and less hurt and harm being done in the world. I guess this is what is meant by loving another as oneself?
This is a wonderful article and YOU deserve an award for your creative thinking. My Mother is beginning to show "signs" and this type of thinking on my part will make us all happier. Thank you!
If your mom has health insurance, talk to her primary care physician. Many insurance plans cover safety bars and equipment. I don't know about construction. Contact your state and county aging commissions and Medicare and Medicaid to see what may be available.
Validation theory was developed by Naomi Feil, and you can find videos of her on YouTube. The Memory Bridge Foundation has perfected this into an art form. They have a DVD, website, programs working with students, etc. Feil teaches all over the world and has a book or two out about this.
I have thought of doing this also. I did find a "employee of the quarter" award she did win and did an overboard framing job on it. Propped it up behind the bathroom sink so she saw it a lot. She'd often touch it and say "that's me." Another award I meant to make, and now will, is a Certificate from President Roosevelt ack that she made a difference as a rosie theRiveter. I'll make it look old and "find" it among some old papers. Then frame it. I pull this sort of "attention" delivery all the time. I send my nieces a stack of cute greeting cards all stamped. they sometimes send them to me all at once, and I slip one in the mail occasionally. Mom falls for it totally. Sometimes they are $.01 stamps. Mom doesn't notice.
one thing that helpes my mon, is to keep her apperance up. iron clothes, trim or curl hair. oral health care, make up on occ. sunday or. weekend days, give hope , like you never know whos going to drop in. maybe i mean reasons for her or him to dress up a bit. dad use to love to be shaved, and when we,d pass him , say oh you smell so good. complements go a long way.. blessed and happy days to all of you. first girl
Fascinating! Neither my husband or I am at that point yet, but who knows what the future will bring? when helping with my (since deceased) mother in law I could have used some of this strategy. I kept reminding her that her husband, parents, etc. were dead. the social worker told me not to do this because every time I did she relived the grief of their passing. How nice it would have been to say, Mom and dad are fine-or they will visit you soon- or some other hope giving thought.
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Should You Join Someone With Dementia in Their Reality?
You doubt that she fell. What do you think happened?
When my husband fell from a ladder onto his head, he was very paranoid in the hospital, believed there was a conspiracy against him, etc. He recovered. Ten years later he developed dementia and again we dealt with paranoia and anger.
Several things can cause the behavior disturbances you see in your mother. Now that she is hospitalized let us hope the cause can be diagnosed and a treatmen plan set up.
A couple of tips for coping with this:
1. Don't take it personally. I know this is obvious, and I also know that sometimes the obvious gets lost in a crisis. You mother doesn't hate you and knows, on some level, that you are doing your best for her. Do not get wrapped up in her accusations. Whatever turns out to be at the bottom of this behavior it isn't your real mother's real feelings.
2. Try not to argue. This is hard, when the statements are so blatantly false. Your goal isn't to have her know the "truth" -- it is to comfort her and calm her.
The prognosis depends on the cause. For example if there is swelling in the brain due to a bump, things will improve when the swellin goes down. From my expeience I'd also say that getting a diagnosis may not be as easy as we wish.
Be glad that your mother is in a safe place and is being cared for. Hope they can get to the bottom of this and come up with a treatment plan. Be good to your mother and to yourself.
Hang in there!
Carol
I think I'd stive for acknowledging the reality of their feelings without agreeing with the particulars. "Oh Dad, it must feel awful to have some of your favorite things missing! And if your best friend stole them from you while he was visiting, you must feel really betrayed. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am going to look extra hard and see if that watch might show up again. If Pete took it that is terrible, but I think maybe it just got lost."
Don't beat yourself up, lisamac, if you can't come up with the perfect balance of support and reassurance that the bad things aren't happening. Just try to be comforting without being confrontational. Do your best and keep loving your father.
I miss my mother and want her back. Too bad that is not going to happen.
I'm right they are wrong! Congrats for thinking outsidethe box amidst criticism!!
You are not going to convince her that these problems don't exist, no matter how many cameras and recorders you bring in. The problems are her reality. Help her solve them. That reassures her that you take her seriously, that you are on her side, and that you are doing something about it.
One of my favorite 3 am caregiver stories is the man who insisted there was a fishhook stuck in his blanket and scratching him. His wife got up to find a pliers and while she was out, hid a lure in her hand. She looked all over the blanket and whaddya know? she was able to extract that ol' fish hook and show it to her husband. They both slept well the rest of the night!
Good luck!
She picked the dr.,got the first set and is unhappy with them and we've made 7 trips thus far, trying to get them fitted to her satisfaction.
She insists they'll never fit....at this point, finances come into the
picture, the client obligation is taking supposed to be deducted from her monthly payments.
It's a total mess, I don't know what to do. Does any one have words of wisdom? She's living in an assisted living complex apt.
Thanks for any help.
They also help with utilitys bills.
I think the validation theory is marvelous. We all like to feel validated and it sounds like if a caregiver goes along with what the demented person is imagining, in most cases, it is quite an adventure. It is sort of like telling a child there is no boogey man under the bed so forget it. That does no good as a general rule. However, checking with the child under the bed to see that there is no bogeyman can be helpful or even telling the boogey man to come out and then chasing him out of the house and putting an invisible barrier up that bans the boogey man from ever returning again can put an end to that boogey man forever. To really care I think a person has to try to imagine what it would be like to walk in the other person's mocassins. I think this would lead to a better understanding of each other and less hurt and harm being done in the world. I guess this is what is meant by loving another as oneself?
Another award I meant to make, and now will, is a Certificate from President Roosevelt ack that she made a difference as a rosie theRiveter. I'll make it look old and "find" it among some old papers. Then frame it.
I pull this sort of "attention" delivery all the time. I send my nieces a stack of cute greeting cards all stamped. they sometimes send them to me all at once, and I slip one in the mail occasionally. Mom falls for it totally. Sometimes they are $.01 stamps. Mom doesn't notice.