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I haven’t stopped to process how my sister’s suicide put me in instant caregiver role 5 years ago. I used to be organized, deliberate, more ‘together’, and more professional ( teacher). Now I just cry out of nowhere and I’m just sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother. Organized? Hah. Stress eat? Medicated? Completely. There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity. She was not a good mother in many ways, but am I alone in these dark thoughts? I am on my own family-wise. It’s all on me. Am I a horrible person for my thoughts?

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Scully,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with these thoughts. You’re obviously suffering terribly. I truly believe that you would benefit from therapy.

Sounds like you didn’t even have a chance to process the death of your sister and grieve for her. Your profile states that your mom is in an assisted living facility. How involved are you with her care? Please tell us more details so we can help you.

Please seek help for yourself.. Do whatever you need to do in order to regain your life back.

Wishing you all the best.

We care. Reach out, there is help.
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I’m so glad you are aware of all the extremely painful issues that come up for you in providing care for your mother. I hope you can take action and protect and prioritize your own life and health. You matter too!
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You are not alone with these thoughts. I am an only child to a 94+ year old mother with pretty advanced dementia who relies on me for everything, thinks it's my obligation to absorb her daily bad moods, negativity and misery, and let's me know no matter what I do its never enough. It all falls on me, everything, with no thanks, just entitlement, and daily reminders she "should be" living with my DH and me and not in the Memory Care Assisted Living place she does live in. She's wheelchair bound and incontinent to name a few of her many issues. I pray God takes her every single day and I don't feel guilty saying that, either. She's 100% miserable 100% of the time and she's making my life a torture chamber too. I've been managing her entire life for 10 years now and have a sick DH and my own health issues as well, not that she gives a flying fig about either. Her wart is way more important than my DHs liver cancer.

So I get it. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and the predicament you find yourself in now. Wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and run away to Tahiti bad leave no forwarding address?
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"...sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother."

Apart from your mother, who can't be expected to put other people's needs before her own (because neither could we if we had Parkinson's and depression), who's doing the expecting? Just you? Anyone else?

Do you think the sacrifice you are making to your mother's care might be one way that you are in fact processing the loss of your little sister to suicide? You don't say very much about what the caregiving involves, but I suspect the workload you're carrying might be disproportionate both to your mother's identifiable needs and to any reasonable assessment of your available time, strength, personal resources.

Wanting an ordeal to end hardly makes you horrible, does it? And just at this point, the only end you can see to your ordeal is your mother's death. There are two problems with that. First, you are not a horrible person and you do not actually want your mother to die. Second, she's 78 and in an ALF - it's very unlikely to happen any time soon.

I don't think it's cruel or monstrous to propose one goal as desirable: that your mother does not end up burying a second daughter. 30% of caregivers die before the person they care for. Let's not let that include you.

You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?

I'm going to stop bombarding you with questions, but the aim is to look more closely at the burden you're carrying and see what part of it you can put down or hand over. Or set fire to and dance round the bonfire, even, metaphorically speaking.
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Scully, you are NOT a horrible person, and you are most certainly not alone. Heck, you just described my life and here I thought I was alone and a horrible human. If I'm being perfectly honest, I hate caregiving. After this is done, I'm done with it forever, I will not do it ever again for the rest of my life. I was caregiver to 3 people, I've been through pure hell, and now I'm done with it completely. I cry everyday, I'm over stressed and therefore stress eating. I'm trying not to resort to medication because I know it's temporary. But everyday I wish grandma would die because she has no quality of life left and it would be easier than dealing with this crap. I feel like I have no life or sanity anymore.

*hugs* I hear ya. Boy, do I hear ya!
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You are not a horrible person, for if you were, we all would be. Hugs to you ❤
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SCully, I don't think there is anyone in this group with a family member who suffers from an incurable disease who hasn't or doesn't wish their LO would pass and leave their suffering life.
As long as you don't take any steps to hurry the end, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Speaking of my own situation, every time I walk into the bedroom, I hope and pray he is still breathing; and hope and pray he isn't. That is my reality and I am okay with it.
Hugs
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CarynAnn Jun 2021
I have been taking care of my husband for many years now, and I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing, walking into the bedroom hoping and praying he is still breathing and hoping and praying he isn't. I feel so bad about feeling that way, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you. Hugs.
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If your Mom is alone and is demented, then I would consider placement for her, or, if you are not POA or guardian, consider reporting her to APS as an adult at risk. There is no reason you should sacrifice your own life to this person because of an accident of birth. I would seek help. You have too much on your plate right now and only a professional can help you comb it out and advocate for your own mental health. I am so sorry about the loss of your sister and for your feelings of needing to care for a person; you won't get much in the line of thanks from anyone for sacrificing your own life. To me we have this one and only life, this one chance at happiness and at making the world a better more quality life. It isn't to be wasted. Please consider help to support yourself as you move to a better life. Your mother? Well, there are more than a few in her position who never HAD children, so they are unable to make their lives miserable for decades. I am so sorry and I wish you so much luck.
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You are experiencing burn out. Nobody can care for another person 24/7/365 without burning out. Consider that you deserve a medal for surviving as long as you have... and start to plan of a different kind of life.

1 - Contact others to help care for your mom. Contact family, friends, members of your faith community and paid help. The goal is to have enough help from others so your life basics can be completed: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace. "time off" to meet your own health needs, and "time off" to meet your "recharge needs" (doing things you enjoy with people you care about).

2 - If you can't get enough volunteer help, it is time to consider residential care for your mom. If she can afford it and is mentally competent, then a senior community or assisted living is for her. If she has problems with either, she probably qualifies for a bed in a residential facility that takes Medicare/Medicaid.

3 - Please consider mental health as a high priority for yourself. Seek a psychiatrist who places a high value on "talk therapy" and not just medication. Medication is good to help with your symptoms while you work on changing your life situation.

Prayers! Blessings!
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Helenn Jun 2021
Really good advice … but forget ‘volunteer help’. You’re on your own with this ….
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NO you are not a horrid person. This is not a situation you asked for or expected, and it has been put on you by a situation that in itself has a very stressful effect for you.
You don't have to do this. You don't have to do it if you had the most loving mother and the most amazing relationship in the world, if it is something you are not cut out for, and which controls and changes your life - never mind if you have a mother you don't really get on with and who wasn't so wonderful.
Arrange for your mother to go to a facility that can care for her needs and get your own life back. If you cannot afford it then let the State take care of it.
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into doing what they think is right for your mother, you have a life which you have every right to get on with. We aren't all cut out to be carers especially for those who didn't care for us - you wouldn't take it on for a neighbour, so why should you if your relationship isn't close with someone who just happens to be your mother.
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I just skimmed the posts.

Maybe its time for Boundries. Sorry Mom I can't do this and that anymore. Now, my Mom was easy and pretty much into her Dementia journey but I was so happy there were things I didn't have to do any more. She was given 3 meals a day and snacks. I provided her Depends but not once did I have to change her. The nurse took care of ordering Moms pills and talking to the doctor concerning any changes. I just paid the bills. Worst thing was I still had her house to deal with. I did do her laundry but they did have the service. I was a little OCD. My brother said I was my own worst enemy. I visited no more than 30 min a day, but like said Mom probably didn't know if I had been there or not. If Mom gets started on you, you can leave or hang up the phone. She needs you more than you need her. Think on that. Should give you a new perspective.

I will assume here Mom is demanding and critical. As her daughter you do not have to put up with this. She is safe, fed and has staff to take care of her. She is not your life, she is part of your life. You do what you want to do when you can. Right now being a teacher is not easy. You have had to adapt to a whole new way of teaching.

Is the AL expecting things from you? At Moms I was only called if she had fallen and was taken to the hospital. Staff needs to handle everything else and Mom has to depend on them.

Is Mom bugging you with calls. Block her. Tell her you will call her at a certain time during the day. There is no law saying you have to pick up. Tell the AL that unless its an emergency or something to do with her care, a fall, the staff should handle everything else. Thats what Mom is paying the big bucks for. I left a white board in Moms room for the staff to write down anything they needed. I did supply the diapers but with Moms money. I did replace shoes and clothing, with Moms money.

Give us some examples and we can tell you if you need to do them or allow the staff.
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You say mom is in AL - but you are the caregiver. If she is in AL is she not relying on the staff available to her 24/7? If not, step back and let the staff do the heavy lifting.

I don't know how often you visit her - but cut it back to once at week at most. Don't take all her phone calls. Try not to talk to her more than once a day. Stay in contact with the staff and see how it's going.

I don't know maybe you tried it all and it doesn't work, but YOU must find some balance in your life and not let mom consume all your lifeforce. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Take time off. Let the staff know so they can contact you in case of a true emergency and don't speak to you mother while you are away - recharge your batteries. Once a month have a few day of NO MOM contact to take care of yourself.

Set boundaries with mom - you know she is who she is - accept it for what it is. You also need to deal with the grief of the loss of your sister - the longer you go without dealing with it the harder it will be to work through it. See a therapist - do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

And finally - NO your are NOT horrible - you have needs of your own that have gone unmet.
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No,what you’re feeling is very normal. This is a “long goodbye” and many caregivers have similar feelings.

I had a prayer I often said when I was caregiver for my mom. “Not too soon and not too long.” I feel no guilt for that prayer and God answered my prayer in the end, for which I am forever grateful.
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Moxies Jun 2021
What a perfect prayer for all of us.
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No. Not at all.
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CM: "You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?"

You state that your sister's caregiver role was a stressor. What was the caregiver situation like before she died? Was your M moved into AL after that?
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Do Not feel guilty about your thoughts. I have them too. But I dont feel guilty. I just don't. I am doing what I can for my mother the rest is up to God. If there are days she gets the minimum amount of my energy, the basics, food, heat or a.c., liquids, sleep, medicine, shower then that is all I can give that day. You have to survive too. Get outside help if that is possible but don't feel guilty. It is your life too. Also sounds as if you might be a bit depressed. You should see a doctor. Losing the abilities such as organization, crying all the time and other things you stated are signs of depression. Please see a doctor.
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I did caregiver for 2 years, so it's not 5 years. In the 2 years I never felt that way. Dad & I had differences over a lifetime, but I never thought of it as bad parent. And in the end, the 2 years at the end are what I remember most, not that there weren't childhood and other memories along the way. I realize that with Mom, he was very capable there and took care of her decline and ultimate passing. As he was declining in the milder stages, there was always his own self-doubt of him beating himself up over what more he could've done for Mom, even on the middle of the night that she had her stroke. 3 years aftr Dad's passing, I find myself with the occasional self doubt that there was something more I could've done. I lost 96+ yo Dad & his 18+ yo dog within 21 days. That was devastating, neither would eat. The dog couldn't communicate, but Dad, he had mentioned several times that he just didn't want it anymore. And that's where I tried to even encourage him to stay with us longer. I think it had to do with the pain & suffering that he himself was experiencing, I have to believe the dog was in a similar geriatric state of pain & suffering.

He never became a burden really. As I reflect back, he was there from birth to 18+, he wasn't perfect, neither was I, but he worked with me. Had been there and only intended the best. Even when it seemed it wasn't. If I could I'd give from the time bank I have left in this life if it meant that all three would get to the finish line together. Unfortunately, life isn't like that.

And just my perspective on it, parents were there for all of it really, the rest of the human race, not so much. In that regard, you probably see it in your students. There are going to be one's that will never respect what you do or did for them.

Stay strong, because when she's finally gone, what you're going thru today may seem like a burden to bear, but the aftermath of when she crosses over, that's gone, the finality of that. I'm probably the only one that ever visits the cemetery to tidy up, but after all I am the only one that really pulled caregiver duty, I'm also the only one of 3 siblings that shoveled the dirt, for Mom, dog & Dad in that order, at that site too.
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marymary2 Jun 2021
Not sure if you are forgetting a word when you say "parents were there for all of it really, the rest of the human race, not so much." If you mean your parents, then fine. If you mean ALL parents, you're mistaken. Some of us had parents who were never there for us - not food, not shelter, not needed medical or dental care, etc etc when we were children, nor there for us when we were adults.

The fallacy that anyone who gives birth or sires a child is loving and caring needs to end or abuse will always continue for the less fortunate children.
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Why do you need to do anything for Mom if she's in Assisted Living? Let the facility employees assist with her living.

The facility is being well financed for her living there.
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RedVanAnnie Jun 2021
I didn't see the part about mother living in AL. If mother IS in an AL, then you right, what is the poster feeling so compelled to do?
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No you are not a bad person, however, it sounds like you are getting deeply depressed. IF you are not POA of your mother, then contact Office of Aging to get help in finding somewhere to place your mother or how to get someone else to be the caregiver for her. I did not read your profile so I don't know what is wrong with your mother that she needs taking care of. If she has no funds for a NH, then get in touch with an Elder attorney to get things started for Medicaid which will pay for your mothers care. And if that option is not available, then the Office of Aging can also help with the medicaid process. Either way...........get some help for yourself. If your mother does not need 24/7 care, then when you are not with her........take a walk, meditate, do some yoga.......anything to help deal with the stress. And if you really don't want to or can't handle it anymore, contact office of aging on how to place your mother and let them know that there "is no one that can care for her and she cannot be left alone". I wish you luck.
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Absolutely not. You're human and have feelings. Plus you wrote here showing you have a conscience. Give yourself a break for your thoughts. That's all they are: thoughts. Your thoughts are not you - the person who stepped up to care for another, even when that other was not so good to you. That says what you can think about yourself in this situation.
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I wouldn't call your thoughts horrible. I would call them natural. No one wants to be responsible for another person's needs, especially if they are wants and not necessarily needs ... and even more especially if the person you're giving your life to doesn't necessarily deserve all you're doing for them. I'm in the same position as you. No one else will take care of my mother who is self serving, inconsiderate and ungrateful and who demands constant attention. But for me it's not about who she is, it's about the responsibility (call it a job) that God's given me to do. We are called to care for our parents...in fact the last earthly thing Jesus did when He was dying on the cross was to look out for His mother by asking John to take care of her. So I know I'm doing the right thing no matter how she acts. Yes I get frustrated, angry, upset and even bitter towards my sister who helps very little and is free to live her own life while I'm tied to Mom...and then the inevitable guilt over experiencing those reactions.Those are natural human emotions just like you're experiencing. But what we do with those emotions, whether we give in to them and let them control us, is up to us. You don't need to feel guilty about being human. Just realize what a truly amazing person you are for overcoming them and doing what needs to be done.
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This is my wish every morning, I have been my Mother’s caregiver now 4 years of total caregiving, but she has lived under my roof 31 years now. So I have been caring for her in some capacity for years. Now she is bed bound I diaper, dress, feed I do have a home health aide bathe her weekly. She is a godsend. But You are not alone with your thoughts.
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You are not alone, Often times I have the same thoughts, and for me it is frustration, that no matter what I do, or say or spend it will not change. At times it becomes so overwhelming I have to go for a run to step away from the situation and reduce my stress. Running helps me clear my head, it forces me to concentrate on breathing and allows me to forget even if only temporarily about everything else and focus on myself.

so no, do not feel guilty; my dad took care of his mom, 6 years later took care of my mom thus I do believe it is a family tradition of sorts. 🤪 That tradition stops with me, lol as my husband and I have no children.

please find something you enjoy doing, something that gives you pleasure and when you get to that point stop, call a trusted friend or a neighbor or a sibling ask them to parent sitting for 15 - 30 minutes and walk away as to give you time to refocus. A mani / pedi, yoga, running, a punch bag in the basement whatever it takes.

best wishes and remember you are not alone in this no winner situation.
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You are overwhelmed with stress and have a complete lack of support.
You really need to put her in a nursing home.

Caregiving gets worse as they decline -- the more they will depend on you, which includes eating, drinking, toiletings, diapering, bathing, etc.

Caregivers who cannot manage their stress and lack social support are at high risk of committing elder abuse.

If you depend on her for your income, when she dies you will be without a job and the bills keep on coming in. The longer you stay out of the work force, the harder it will be to get a job and age discrimination happens all the time.
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no
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Someone else's answer mentions that your mother is in an AL facility. If this is true, what is it you are having to do? Is your mother placed at a level of care appropriate to her needs? If she is being kept clean, safe and adequately fed, what are her demands on you? Does she have complaints or additional requests she expects you to satisfy?
If her physical well-being is secure, you can decide how much of your time and attention your mother gets. You do not need to respond instantly to her every whim.
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With a diagnosis of dementia she would probably be better in Memory Care rather than AL.
That would take a LOT of pressure off.
MC staff are well versed in the ways to handle dementia residents.
If you truly do not want to handle any of her care the facility can arrange visits to doctor appointments.
The thoughts you have about wanting it to end are normal. Understandable.
Have you talked to a therapist? You do not go into detail about your sister but is it remotely possible that your sister had the same thought and her suicide was the way she handled the "wanting it to end"?
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Don't feel guilty....you are only human and the effects of the stress slowly rob you of vitality. Eventually, if the stress continues, and gets worse--it wins. You can't take of yourself [to thine own self be true] and others if you are worn down and resentful.
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There were some ways I wanted my parents to pass away, but it was related to their own misery dealing with such tiresome, overwhelming medical conditions. I knew they both wanted life here to end. You’re in no way horrible for your thoughts. It’s being exhausted and knowing it won’t be easy to change things any other way than your mom dying. What you’re doing is too much for any one person to sustain, at least without severe consequences to your own well being. I encourage you to choose you, take whatever steps are needed to change the situation, rely on others, take time away, whatever will prioritize you. A burned out, stressed out caregiver isn’t a good one, no judgment there, it’s just a fact and very understandable. You only get this one life, take steps now to enjoy it again
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You are not a horrible person and you are definitely not alone. All you need is support and an outlet - and on this site you will find it. We are here to listen, advise, and offer our experience to you. How old is Mom? What are her needs? Is she living with you? Do you still work? Do you have social contact with friends?Please continue to reach out, and give us the specifics on your current situation.
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