1992 : Mother was 52 y/o and began hoarding in her apt. I was married and did not live with her but was concerned about the clutter building up. Told to mind my business.
1998 : Clutter is at uncomfortable level. Personality is argumentive, combative, refuses help and once became physically aggressive. I went no contact for one year after being attacked.
2004 : Full scale Hoarding. Refuses help and denies there is a problem. Has diabetes, high blood pressure and atherosclerosis. Accusing people of stealing. Not paying bills properly. Poor eating habits.
2008 : Hoarding has reached a dangerous level. Pathways developing. She did allow me to clear the pathways a little while angrily protesting at the same time. Health condition still poor. Still refusing help.
2009-2016 : Hoarding continues. Surgery to put stent in leg. Proactively caregiving in as much as she will allow (Doctor Visits, Grocery Shopping, Outings, Bill Pays, Tax Prep and Home Cooked Meals). Accused me of stealing. Suspicious of everyone. Dr gave referral for neurologist and she refused, saying she’s not crazy. Stress has now made me sick.
2017 : The very thing I thought could and would happen did. She developed Pneumonia and Sepsis and almost died. I had to get her out of the apt which was almost impossible because of the Hoarded condition. Ambulance took her to hospital and she was saved from death. She stayed in SNF for 30 days and discharged to me. She was admitted to the hospital 2 more times for Sepsis and high Blood Sugar. She is living in my home with my husband and college age children.
2017-2018 : Mother is 78 y/o now. Currently still living in my home and it is a nightmare. Demanding, unappreciative, insulting, rude. Given three meals per day and snacks in between yet tells people we starve her. Ordering from catalogs and the clutter is creeping up. We hide any incoming catalogs now. Demands to go home but can’t because it’s not safe. Eats everything she can to elevate her sugar level so we hide snacks in bedroom. Goes to store and buys junk food then looks surprised and questions why I am giving her insulin. Is incontinent (bladder) for now, no major problem dealing with that right now. I feel it’s time for a long term care facility. My health is deteriorating. My family nucleus is deteriorating. She’s refusing to go into professional care. The hoarded apt still has to be cleaned out and I am too weak to do it now. I rented a storage unit to store some valuable things while going through the cleaning process. I have a POA for health only, she won’t do a POA for finance and I am currently applying for Medicaid through their trust program because her income is a notch over the acceptable amount. Just overwhelmed by all of this. Maybe someone can make suggestions on best way to handle this. Thanks
Change the one piece of the title that you have full control over: Change having her live in your house. You may not be able to specify where she does live, but you can certainly control whether she lives with you.
It sounds like you are on the right track, applying for Medicaid. She may or may not be able to "refuse" to go into professional care, but she cannot refuse to leave your house, if that is your decision. That is the direction all your hard work should be headed.
It sounds like your mother is mentally ill. I am very sympathetic toward people with mental illnesses. They did not request that affliction. They can't simply "snap out of it." But the current situation is simply enabling her self-harmful behavior. And it is also harming other members of your family. You mean well. You've done your best. Now you need to extricate yourself from this toxic situation.
I wanted to thank you for your post regarding mental illness when it comes to situations like this.
I have Bi Polar 1.
I wrote a response to this question last week. I estranged my mom for my own mental health. She knew I was sick, but never researched how she could help me or acknowledged the problem. I believe because it could have marred her reputation having a mentally ill child. Bi Polar is hereditary.
My narcisstic sister uses my illness as a way to beat me up and down and abuse me anyway she can.
She is now blaming me because the sitters we hired to take care of my mom stole everything of value from her house while in her severely demented state of mind. She said that the sitters knew when she would be there and knew when I WAS NOT. And this fact led them to exploit my mom.
Although there is some truth to the statement it eludes that I am to BLAME. She’s throwing guilt at me daily. I briefly explained my absence and the fact that I had to take care of myself, because I have to continue to live after mom is gone has no bearing on her. It’s an excuse to her with no merit.
You are so RIGHT about the fact that we don’t ASK for the mental illness. I didn’t do anything to myself to get this illness.
I can admit I am sick. Getting a narcissist to admit anything above their “good deeds” and “great intentions” as well as the fact that they are always right and I am flawed gave both my mom and my sister ammunition to abuse me further.
Had I not been born into the family, I would have NEVER had either of them in my life. They would have never been aquatinted with me.
I wish everyone had the same opinion you do. Even Doctors have questioned if I have a true medical problem when I have disclosed the fact that I am Bi Polar. It’s a great burden to carry and the abundance of doubt from anyone that knows I’m sick is devastatingly painful. I pay the price daily.
I am compliant with my medicine, have a Therapist and a Phychiatrist. I am on the right track and MUST REMEMBER that even though it’s hard, THEY are flawed in a way that can’t be repaired.
So I take the hits as they come and let it roll of my back with no obligation or intention to do anything different than what I want to do.
Thank you again Jeanne. Your post was a blessing to me and my mental health!
If she is disregarding her health it won’t won’t be long before she crashes again. As was said, don’t bring her home! Stand your ground with Social Services and refuse to bring her back to your home. Sounds like she has funds. Do you have access to them? Hopefully so. Hire a trash-out company to go to her home and clean it out. Whatever is there is most likely beyond salvaging. If she has neighbors there, they will be forever in your debt if you do this.
Make the change. You know you need to do so. It’s way overdue. And please come back here and let us know how it goes. We care.
She needs three shifts of professional, well - rested, trained caregivers.
You need to be able to say "Mom, I can't possibly do that" and mean it. Ultimately, you are looking out for HER best interests.
If she gets admitted to the hospital again, refuse to take her home. They will find placement for her in a long term care facility. I highly doubt that they would discharge her to home as they cannot legally discharge someone to unsafe living conditions, but just in case they would, call APS and tell them she is in immediate jeopardy. They would then have to go to her home within 4 hours. They couldn't make her leave, but they would report the condition of the home to the city who would have the power to condemn it.
But, you have to stick to your guns and NOT allow her back into your home. Remember, at 78, she could possibly live a lot longer. You could end up dying before her due to the stress of trying to care for her. You must put yourself and your family's needs first!
Unfortunately, what I've come to understand is that until/unless the Hoarder is mentally or physically "incompetent", then there is literally nothing you can do.
Literally. Nothing.
You can't fix this. You can only protect yourself.
One of the things that has helped me is to look at the Hoarding as an addiction. You can't help an addict unless they want help, and even then sometimes you can't.
I chose to let go of trying to fix or change my Hoarding Mom and to set boundaries that protect me, my sanity and my family. My Hoarding Mom is clear with me that because I think it's unacceptable to live in a home with no working heat, that I am a liar, that I'm trying to steal from her, that I'm not to be trusted, and that it's her life and her choices, and that I can't control her or tell her what to do, like I do everyone else. (Yes, because that makes sense).
Sure, her choices, but it's also my reality.
I have made a choice to limited my contact with Mom. I think long and hard about what contact (kids/visits/phone) I'm OK with and what I'm not. And when. Because she is right - she has "capacity", so she CAN make her own choices. All I can control is how I react/don't react to her mental illness.
Society/your family/neighbors will tell you it's your problem to solve, just go in there and clean it up! I'm telling you that's not true. You didn't create this problem, you can't fix it, you're not responsible for it.
I have and continue (on and off) to see a therapist who helps me work through this. Because I choose not to bring my years of hurt, anger, and resentment into my home and into my relationship with my husband and my kids. I choose to see this as an issue is between my mother and me. And as heartbreaking as it is to know that she cares more about piles of trash than she does about me, I've also (after years of therapy - give yourself time to deal, cope, grieve) come to the decision that even though I can't change her, I can change: 1.) how I choose to look at this; and 2.) where my boundaries are.
I hope this is helpful to you. There are support groups out there filled with people who are also dealing with this. I joined Children of Hoarders and have found comfort and release in knowing I'm not alone.
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/
You're a good person dealing with someone else's rotten mental illness. I'm sorry you're going through this.
My mil is a hoarder - after having no choice but to move into a retirement home after her husband died, she now can only hoard money - lots of it. For the first time I've seen up close how deep narcissism goes hand in hand with this and it breaks my heart for my husband because it is clear that for both he and his sister what she hoards and what is "hers" is bottom line more important to her than them.
It is an illness and I believe a way to keep the ones who should be closest to you at an emotional distance. I think these are people who did not ever grow emotionally either due to neglect, abuse or a traumatic event.
Best thing to do is what you are doing and what we have to do, and the original poster needs to find a way to do - stay away as much as possible. I'm going to look into that organization. My husband broke away years ago but it definitely affected his self-worth and now having this close by again has brought up some old stuff- but he sees it as an illness and has made very good boundaries.
As soon as your mother has the slightest bit of distress or her blood pressure goes up or blood sugar is out of whack, call 911 and have them transport her to the ER. When she gets there after they do their initial evaluation, step out of the room and let them know that you WILL NOT be taking her home because you are no longer able to care for her at home, and that they need to find placement for her in a Nursing Facility IMMEDIATELY. Refuse to take her home. Walk out if you have to.
This is a little secret to fast-tracking placement. Your mother will be mad at you, but she will adjust. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Yes, the secret is that the family has to abandon them to get care.
As long as the hospital thinks there is a family member available to care for them, they will dump them onto that relative.
Good luck, I wish you peace.