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TeethGrinder65 Asked November 2022

What do you say to your loved ones when they're not awake?

I was visiting someone on Hospice yesterday (as a volunteer), and she was conscious enough to speak in one-word answers to my questions. I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said yes, then closed her eyes. My impression was that she wanted to hear my voice. I'm new at this, and my role with this person is companionship. She's got dementia.


 


Since I didn't know her well, and wasn't even sure she could hear me, I told her about a botanical garden I visited recently and described in a lot of detail how lovely it was. I also sang her a few songs, since her chart said she loved music. I spent about an hour and a half there.


 


My question is, what would you have me talk about with your loved one if I was their volunteer?

cwillie Nov 2022
What you did sounds perfect.... thank you for giving your time and service.
I think just holding their hand to let them know they are not alone. If you and they are so inclined reading some comforting religious passages might be OK, but it would be hard to know what is acceptable without their input.

Daughterof1930 Nov 2022
I think you did great! I felt hugely pressured by that whole “the hearing is the last to go” thing during my dad’s last days on hospice. We’d certainly said all we needed to say, he well knew my love and care, and talking was just too hard for me. I spent most of the time simply holding his hand. He never gave any indication of hearing anything, we’ll never be sure if he did or didn’t and it doesn’t really matter. He was at peace. But as a volunteer, and thank you for doing that, I think any soothing topic is great

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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2022
I would put lotion on while I was singing hymns to the people I visited. I think loving touch is a huge comfort. I even did this when I had to wear full hazmat suits because of disease. I saw too many family members standing at the door in fear of becoming sick, so my heart was touched to show that they were still valued and human. Just chatting with a friend was how I approached it, even if it was a one-sided chat.

If they can give 1 word answers, ask if they would like to hear Scripture. I found it soothed anyone that was obviously anxious.

What you did was perfect and precious. God Bless you for your care.

Fawnby Nov 2022
You're doing it just right. I'd like to be read to, if it were me, but not religious passages because I've heard all that before. Nothing complicated or violent, and a short story would be nice. It depends on what their interests are and how much they understand. Children's books that have a rhythm to them or children's poetry of the same nature, because if the patient loves music, she may respond to rhythm. I still love to read Little House on the Prairie books by Lauras Ingalls Wilder and Betsy-Tacy-Tib books by Maud Hart Lovelace. Those stories are about children having fun together and learning subtle lessons, but they leave me with a feeling of a world where it's peaceful and light. What could be better than to leave this world while thinking about its goodness?

Ohwow323 Nov 2022
That is AWESOME what you did!
I had a friends that were in the hospital and for a couple of days before they died and I did about the same. I am no singer but I sang songs that I knew I could at least carry some what of a tune and I relived some of the things we did. I told what I thought was funny stories and told them I loved them.
Keep up the volunteering and I see you making a pleasant day of your visits!
I'm adding an edit to this - reading scripture would be a great thing to do too - Psalms is great because it is like poetry/songs!

JoAnn29 Nov 2022
Even though she closed her eyes she probably heard you. My Mom closed her eyes 2 wks before she passed but still responded when talked to. You did good.

You got some good suggestions. Did you not get training as a volunteer? Me, I would not like being read to. So, may want to check with family to see if its something the client would like. My Mom did not like to be touched in her final days. So I would ask about that too.

MJ1929 Nov 2022
I remember going to visit my grandfather in the hospital on what turned out to be the last day of his life. He was drifting in and out of consciousness and didn't know who I was, so I asked him about his track times when he was a runner in high school. He didn't know anyone from his current life, but by golly, he could recite his best time in the mile from 1916!

Your situation is one reason why I really urge families to write a short, one-page biography of their loved one to have by the side of their bed. I wrote one for my mother when she went into a nursing home, because she was so diminished from the dynamic woman she'd once been, and I wanted them to know her as she once was as well as how she currently was. She still had the same interests, just not the ability to get involved in them.

I wanted the caregivers to know something about her so they'd have topics for conversation. I wrote that she was a retired first grade teacher, a watercolor artist, and a former librarian who read six books a week until her vision failed. I told them that she grew up in the Southern California desert during the Depression and was the daughter of a banker and rancher and a housewife. I said where she went to college and told them to ask her to recite the nonsensical school cheer (which she could do until the day she died). I said she'd been happily married for 66 years to my dad, when he died, that she had two kids and four grandchildren.

Everything in the biography was a topic for conversation, and I asked the administrators to have all the caregivers read it and to post it in her room. They did, and the caregivers did a wonderful job with her because they KNEW her.
Daughterof1930 Nov 2022
Wonderful idea
funkygrandma59 Nov 2022
I was a hospice volunteer for 8 1/2 years, and I would often read the Bible to folks, play there favorite kinds of music and sing, and just tell them stories about my family if their speech was more limited or if they were no longer able to communicate. If my grandchildren happened to be with me when I was to visit I always brought them along too as older folks in particular love to visit with children.
Most of the folks I visited were older, but I once had a young gentleman who had fallen many stories off a building and was now a quadriplegic, and bedridden and we would talk about heaven and how he would soon be getting a new body so he could run the streets of gold. He died shortly after that conversation.
And it is said that a persons hearing is the last sense to go, so sometimes them knowing that someone is near and that cares enough to spend time with them is good enough.
Sounds like you did a great job with the person you visited yesterday. I always asked the family what kind of music their loved one enjoyed so I could be prepared with something they enjoyed listening to. You could find out if they would like you to read something to them as well.
Keep up the good work.

Catskie62 Nov 2022
That's so lovely what you talked to her about.

Luta65 Nov 2022
TG65,
How lovely of you to be doing Hospice volunteer companionship! Your company is invaluable for the clients and mean a lot to their families. (I'm a retired Hospice RN.)

Please say whatever you feel comfortable in speaking about, whether she's conscious and responding or not, she hears you and knows you're there. The singing is beautiful and soothing. You can talk about your life experiences, the happy ones, and most anything that light conversation would involve. You can reference family pictures around the home or cards, etc. if in a SNF. You could also play music if a family member informs of her tastes, otherwise, anything you wish to share of your favorites.

Just know that the time you spend with this patient is golden for all involved.

Do consider attending the eventual Memorial and or funeral services, it's something that we were always welcomed to do (and paid for) and this helped with the emotional closure of such poignant relationships as are developed in Hospice care.

Huge hugs!
NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Great suggestion about attending the funeral or memorial service.

A good friend of mine cared for her sister with Down’s Syndrome. Her sister also developed dementia at the end of her life. She had hospice workers and volunteers at her home on a regular basis.

When I attended the funeral I saw nurses, the social worker and volunteers at the service. My friend was comforted by their presence.
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