My mom hates me so much. She’s made this story up and believes it and constantly tells me to die. Any advice on mending the relationship?

Your mom has some very serious issues. I'm not a med fan, but she definitely needs some serious medication cuz this behavior is just waaaaay over the top. She is either having serious mental issues and/or dementia. There are meds that can bring it down a few notches. She will still need to live elsewhere since the underlying issues are not going to disappear.

She doesn't really hate you. Her brain is screwed up! It's the disease, disorder, whatever talking - NOT your mother. My mom has dementia - I say to myself that it's the dementia talking, not her. My mom is gone.

Your last sentence about being terrified that she'll pass away thinking such horrible things about you - you need to start thinking much differently ASAP. Your mom is having a crisis of some sort and you need to quickly readjust your thinking to that.

Now what about your dad. You say he's senile? Can he be living alone?

If he stays home, he'll get to keep living at the house. When her half of their assets are burned through for her care, she will have to go on medicaid to pay for her nursing home stay, assuming that's where she'll end up.

Sorry you are in the middle of such a horrible situation. Take some deep breaths and get some answers and be ready to dole out some tough love to do what needs to be done for everyone's well being.

Wish the OP would update!

Oh my gosh, you poor thing. You are NOT alone. My mom hates me too. She thinks I am a thief, a fraud and a trickster and on and on. It is the disease, not them. And I understand the PAIN you are going through. You will not be able to reason with her so don't waste your energy trying. Has your mom been diagnosed with anything yet? Any insight from the doctors? In all good humor, I actually like the prostitute story. It's very creative and so outlandish I seriously doubt anyone will believe her. :) My mom has told relatives, neighbors and caregivers that I am a thief, have abondoned her, forged documents and only want her money; of which there is pretty much none. Sadly, they believe her. I have been verbally attacked by them on the phone and through texts, making accusations.
If she's not yet diagnosed and things are out of control, and she is violent and screaming, call 911 and have them pick her up for a mental eval. She will be 'locked down' for I believe it is 72 hours for observation. It sounds like your Dad is potentially unsafe. And of course, your toddler doesn't need to be exposed to that; nor do you. It's too much. I understand. My mother is violent and rages as well. And elegant and has the public face too! ha ha...Amazing how many women get away with this, even BEFORE dementia!
We have to remember that mental decline causes our parents to behave this way. Your mom doesn't hate you. She isn't in her right mind. Try to stand back and listen objectively. An example: What she says-- I lay awake all night, I can't sleep and toss and turn because you stole all my money and I can't quit thinking about it!! What's really going on--she's experiencing agitation and sleep issues due to dementia or other mental illness and she is attaching that to her delusion that you have stole her money.
Another: What she says: I can't trust you, you're a prostitute and drug addict. Why don't you just die?
What's really going on: She's experiencing confusion, delusions, angst and frustration and loss of personal control and her brain isn't functioning properly to reason things out. She is attaching it to her delusions and reacting to it IE: Why don't you just die.
The things that come out of their mouths are desperate attempts to communicate but it comes out all wrong. And yes, they have false beliefs. We have to read under the surface. I don't know if I explained that correctly or not but I seem to be able to see through it with my mom now that I am more clear on what's going on. Before, I took it personal and it crushed me.
Don't get me wrong. I completely empathize with you and have all but curled into a ball over my situation. But just wanted to give you some things to consider such as removing your emotions and observing. Look at the symptoms of dementia and/or alzheimers and see how they connect to her behaviors and what she may be trying to express. Remember, her brain is deteriorating. The mom you knew may show up intermittently but resolve yourself to the fact that things will never be like they were and this most likely will get worse. So mending this relationship is not going to happen in the way you would like. Go through the motions of protecting yourself, your other family members and her. Be gentle with yourself and be sure to take time out for just you. Distancing yourself from her is necessary and OK. If you can find someone experienced to step in and help, great. If she's in care already, better! :) I cannot stress enough to nurture yourself. I learned from experience and I'm still crawling out of the emotional dungeon. I've grieved the death of my mother already because the person she is now is no one I recognize or want to know. This is one of the hardest things I've gone through. Hang in there. Take care of YOU. And then everyone else after.
I hope that by sharing some of my own situation, you can relate and know that you are not alone in this.

Please REWRITE your initial line.

From."Mom hates me so much".
To "Mom has become ill & has disordered thinking".

I haven't read the entire post just yet - has a cause been found? Stroke? Psychiatric break?

I see your haven't got the results from the Neurologist yet.

So do what you can.
Keep yourselves safe.
Don't hesitate to call EMS if Mom threats harm, to self, family or others.

Baker Act. Look it up in your state. She cannot go to a home right now if she is that crazy. She needs medications to settle her first. You were also endangering your child not only as an unsafe place but you do not want your child leaning this as normal beavior.

If neurologist won’t give meds until Monday, why? Does doctor know what mom’s doing? I ask this because I wouldn’t think that a neurologist, who sees this a lot, would be so heartless. Call his emergency line and ask if you should take her to the emergency room. I don’t think you should wait, considering her mental state. And don’t worry what she thinks of you because she’s not herself right now. She may be again with treatment, so be assured that the kindest thing you can do for her might be to get her into a psych ward where she can be helped. That’s good, not bad.

I had to have my then 19 yo daughter 'Baker-Acted" because of mental instability brought on by drug abuse and goodness knows what else--

Best decision I ever made as a mother.

Also broke my heart to haul my daughter kicking and screaming to the ER where I 'dumped' her.

2 weeks of detox and therapy and the right meds and she woke up and realized she was NOT that person. She eventually got rid of all the 'druggie friends' and went back to her old, Elementary School besties. She was able to get off all meds and get her life back.

The psych hospital was not pleasant, but it was necessary. For my sanity and for hers. They were terrific with her. She needed, first, to be brought down from the manic high she was on and find her center of balance.

She was checked every day with blood tests, so we knew what was in her system and that she was otherwise healthy.

Your mom sounds like she needs to be taken physically to an ER and you all refuse to bring her home. Your dad is at danger and your toddler? My other girls wouldn't let my daughter NEAR their babies!!

If I had $1 for every time she said she hated me, I'd be a rich woman. If I had $1 for every time she told me that she loves me, we'd be about equal.

It will HURT to have mom committed, but she could really get worse. And she's affecting the whole family. She doesn't get to 'get away' with that.


BTW--if she is threatening suicide or harm of someone else, you can call 911 with a clear conscience.

You call 911 to get her emergency MEDICAL help, not for the police.

When you say 'we had her at the neurologist today' does that mean she was seen by the doctor?

If she becomes violent, you need to call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for evaluation.

Urinary Tract Infections in elders can cause psychiatric symptoms. That needs to be checked out asap.

She may need a psychiatric hospitalization to get her on meds to stabilize her. Psych hospitals don't lock people up and throw away the key unless the person is criminally insane and has been found so I a court of law.

911. This is an emergency.

Juse to add "you" don't pay for her treatment, hospitalizations or anything else.

An eldercare attorney needs to be consulted so that assets can be divided so they BOTH can get care.

She needs hospitalization or antipsychotic meds. If she won't Voluntarily start meds call 911 on her next episode and let the drugs get started while hospitalized. You didn't say what happened at the neurologist appointment or the recommendations. Can you follow up on that to start the process?

You are dealing with so much it must be overwhelming. First off if she's having one of these breakdowns and is threatening or violent in any way call 911 and have her taken to a hospital to be evaluated. Another thing to mention is that if one parent needs placement and the other doesn't your parents don't have to sell everything to pay for it, my understanding is their assets can be divided in half. Dad won't be impoverished over this. And she doesn't really think all these awful things about you, her brain is breaking. She's saying crazy things but it's not personal. I'm sure that doesn't really help but it's true. Other members will be along to post more helpful responses but I didn't want your question to sit unanswered.