Sister-in-laws are upset that they can't force their mom into a care facility. Three brothers agreed to let their mom try expensive in home 24 hr care. After less than 2 month Sister-in-law text asking if my husband, the oldest son with POA, Healthcare Directive and handling finances was going to make their Mom go into a care facility. Sister-in-laws were concerned about their Mom's money running out (meaning their inheritance being less) by using expensive home healthcare. They were fixated on their mom being forced to wash her hair by caregivers. The caregivers cannot make MIL do things. One angery sister accused my husband of being derelict in his duties as the EXECUTOR of their mom & dad's Trust, suggesting that my husband had basically relinquished his duties to me. She suggested husband relinquish his EXECUTOR position to the two brothers (coexecutors), next in line as per the Trust. When three sibling had a meeting 6 months earlier in the year it was decided that MIL was going to want to stay at home. MIL has Mixed Vascular Dementia plus Alzheimers diagnosed years ago. Her doctors agreed home is familiar and she is safe there with 24 hr caregivers. Caregivers are companion care currently. MIL (age 93) won't allow caregivers to do much. FYI: An executor is assigned after the DEATH of the trustee. MIL is very much alive and MIL is the beneficiary if the trust. Siblings think that they are the beneficiaries and have rights to know about MIL finances. Husband was waiting on a financial consultant to review records to see if he could talk to my husband about MIL's account and planned to take younger brother to meetung with financial consultant fir brither to witness the finances and accounts in MIL's estate. While waiting for financial consultant to respond with information, Sister-in-laws could not wait and had a lawyer friend request a financial statement for MIL's estate. That is not a problem. The problem is Sister-in-laws lying about husband embezzling MIL money is a problem. Sister-in-laws can't be around MIL more than about an hour when they come to visit her. MIL drives them crazy according to them. Caregivers see Sister-in-laws have no patience. They live out of town and thankfully do not visit more than a few times a year. MIL has anxiety from their visits. Sister-in-laws once left MIL home alone while they both went shopping to Ulta. MIL is unstable and could have wandered. Siblings that are evil, do not care about their mom's wishes to live at home, and worry about their inheritance being spent on their mothers home care are not worth stressing over. The siblings live in a place where they do not care to learn how to help their mother with her cognitive decline. One believes she does not have Dementia. She is just old. I have no energy to care about the siblings uneducated, uncaring, disrespectful behavior ti their mother. We are not compensated for the hours we spend making MIL comfortable and safe at home. It is out of love and respect that my husband's mom lives in the house she and hid dad built 48 yrs ago, and that she has 24 hr caregivers to keep her company and help her with some daily activities.
MIL would be worse off with siblings choices. She would have forgotten us faster with the excess sugar consumption and may have had a stroke or heart failure from the excess salt consumption. MIL has hypertension, heart disease, Osteoporosis, arthritis, UTI's about once a year, delusions and hallucinations. It is a roller-coaster of emotions for her, caregivers are wonderful with extra patience and understanding. Life is not easy for MIL and we try the best we know how. We are constantly learning new tools to help us understand the stages MIL is going through and how to communicate with MIL in the reality that us hers alone.
Just because siblings are blood relatives, it does not make them FAMILY.

Like someone else on her stated….do not do any care giving if you are not the one with power of attorney. Financial & medical.

I wasted 3 years of my life caring for my mom with dementia only to have a jealous, greedy, controlling sibling block me from seeing or speaking to my mom in the final years of her life.

This was due to spite & greed where he had her sign new documents to benefit himself 100% rather than the 50/50 split she had before.

Another commenter suggested mediation as a solution and that is absolutely right on point. I have seen meditation up close and the good that it can do for siblings to save their relationships while producing the best outcome for mom and dad.

I am a mediator specializing in Adult Siblings and Senior/Elderly parents. Unfortunately, there are many people in the US who are estranged from their families or a family member. In addition, families are more spread out making it difficult to share responsibility for caregiving. We work with siblings who are arguing over the care of their parents. I noted that mediation is not mentioned in this article, but it is very successful in resolving these conflicts. It's not therapy. It's about starting/improving communication and enabling family members to talk and resolve important issues. It's about preserving relationships, where possible, or at least enabling communication. If I sound like I'm promoting mediation for families it's because I am. It works. From my experience, it's a chance for families to make decisions. If it goes to court or gets involved in the legal system, the decisions will be made for them and there it is very likely that siblings on opposing side will never reconnect. Sometimes we have difficulty discussing emotionally charged matters with our family. This is a chance to do it in a safe space with a neutral, nonjudgmental party facilitating the discussion.
There's a role for all family members in taking care of loved ones. It's just working out how to make that happen and refocusing on the loved one and not family disagreements. If you are having problems with your siblings, find a mediator you can work with and don't let your relationships fall apart.

Establish POA, estate planning (see Eldercare attorney), and caregiver's contract. That delineates roles in a very legal and binding way. Regardless--family should be kept abreast what is going on and ideally decisions be shared. Not always possible.

Horrible that there are so many of us here with varying stories - most involving narcissists. Until the media stops with the myth that being a parent automatically makes one a caring and loving person, the damage and tragedies will continue. Next time you read a news article "Mother of 2 killed" or "Father of 3..." contact that media outlet and let them know the damage they do. A person needs to be judged by their actual actions, not the fact that they gave birth or sperm. If you said "Mother of 4 killed" about my mother when I was young, it would have been a blessing to the world and most certainly to me.

88 year old mother is narcissist, and dying ever so slowly from cancer. she expects her adult children to enable her to stay in her home in an inconvenient location, not close to anyone but one remaining, working sib. all other adult children are elderly, greatly physically disabled, and/or live too far away. I am opposed to mother staying at home during hospice, since there is no one to provide 24/7 caretaking and I foresee her having medical crises and turning her situations into the (usual crazy) trainwreck for her children. She has insurance which will cover cadillac care in a hospice in-patient facility, with no out of pockets (which I would pay just to keep her from complaining). Mother has, however, manipulated and maneuvered to stay at home. She can barely walk, isn't eating, and is having frequent incontinence issues. Mother is pressuring me to provide more time to her, which I do not want to do. I distanced myself emotionally and physically many years ago from this woman, because I saw her clearly for what she was and I neither love nor like her. I feel nothing but resentment toward this person, and now that she is dying, do not want to be forced by her or anyone into the 'I always loved you mother, you were a wonderful mother, can I feed you, wipe you, listen to your never ending complaints, listen to you tell me (incessantly) what a rotten person i am, listen to you compare me (unfavorably of course) to anyone and everyone, blah blah', simply because she is dying and I am the one sibling standing who can manage her physical care. How do I refuse to participate in the silliness of keeping this woman at home, yet keeping my less capable siblings (who are more easily whipsawed by mother into submission) from alienating from me? I really do love and care for my siblings, and am trying to support them emotionally as best i can. My mother has refused to allow me to help out with any practical matters (healthcare appointments, insurance benefits coordination, scheduling paid housekeeping and personal assistance [she can easily afford and my professional background fits easily into managing these kinds of activities], since all she wants is to manipulate me into spending face time with her and being her physical and emotional caretaker read: scapegoat). I see on this forum many caretakers who resent their siblings for not calling or visiting an elderly parent. Any advice?

You forgot to mention that sometimes the siblings also need care, making it far more complicated when you're trying to manage parents. My youngest sister is psychotic when not medicated, and when medicated, has borderline personality and is rude, entitled and snotty. She was a major burden during a major psychotic episode that could have ended in jail time or court supervision had we not intervened. My brother is worthless, and hasn't worked since being released from a foreign prison and deported. (His prison time required my effort as well, including working with the US Embassy so he didn't get beaten up by that country's mafia).

My mother (94 Alzheimer's), Dad (84 Agent Orange Contamination), Sister (69 works at Walmart), Brother (60 owns company), and Me (64 Caregiver). In January of 2016 both parents were admitted into Hospice. I was their fulltime caregiver as I lived 9 houses down. My father passed away in March of 2018, leaving me to settle his estate and care for mom. I have not grieved for my dad yet, as I have been busy with patient care, research and family issues that have torn us apart. Caring for mom was easy, settling the estate...….well
Sometimes in the real world, you have issues like: brother moves into moms house and doesn't pay for anything except his food, and a sister who borrows money but refuses to use FMLA to help care of mom. In fact since I moved mom into my house after dad passed, neither of them come to visit but once a month, if that. In mom's current state, she requires 24/7 care now. Still no help. I hired an attendant five days a week and am paying him out of pocket. It takes both of us together to give the continuity of care she deserves, and as a Japanese speaking human being I must translate. I am with her 24/7 with no relief in sight.
Regardless, my brother and sister have no intentions of helping me. So, to make a long story short, during the period when I was settling the estate, I discovered all the vehicles my brothers daughter and son were driving were owned by my dad and he was paying their insurance. It took over a year pleading to get my siblings to get all the loose ends tightened.
Bottom line: I have all four cars that were towed to my home, which all required repairs before I sell them. I put a for sale sign in the front yard of my moms home , and have closed all bank cards. They both act like she has passed and continue to ignore the fact that she needs them too!
I do not talk to either of them, and had to hire an attorney to assist with collecting money they owed our mom.
All I can say is, " I have had the opportunity to discover two of the greatest human beings without the façade of being mom and dad". They are still my best friends.
The doctors are amazed at how my mom can still function and how well she is doing. I attribute part of it to : Remember, you can never take away the natural instinct women have as mothers, and buying a baby doll was the best gift I could have given her. Since, we have extra funds, I hired a cognitive therapist to work with her three days a week, and she looks forward to the lessons. I follow the recommendations of music therapy, artwork and even housework. Although, it won't be long as she has regressed so much, I am happy with my decisions and mom still has her baby that she loves on...….Wow! A great mother indeed! As for my siblings, I will have to speak to them eventually, to settle my moms estate but they both have a huge surprise...….. Thank you for letting me share this unusual story for I needed someone to hear it. I know my dad is standing right beside me, as he awaits my mom, but for now...…. she is my baby girl!

Oh yes....I see so many things in this article that could make me just....sigh...
The caregiving last sibbling bit is absolutely true...and among a set of brothers...it still falls to the last sibbling.
At least now I understand why they leave it all to me...sigh.

I just found this website. All I can say is...sex doesn't make a difference your sex. If you are the last sibling, and you are male...the caregiving WILL fall to you.
Everyone else will guilt trip you about it. Everytime you make a decision for yourself, they will call you selfish.

All I can say is...do not ever let your romantic relationship fail because of sick parents; because in a situation where the entire family rags on you to perform miracles for your sick parents...your romantic partner might be the only person who really got your back.

So if you are young, male and you feel like you can't ever catch a break to spend a night with your girlfriend without that nagging feeling of "you're abandoning your sick parent" ....know that you are not alone in this b

Some lessons I have learned. BEFORE you take on the role of caretaker of a parent have all their legal documents reviewed. If another sibling has been made health advocate or power of attorney DO NOT become the caretaker unless you are legally put in charge. There is nothing worse than an uninvolved sibling dictating financial or health decisions and yet does not want to the actual care taking. Get this issue resolved before you take on the role of caretaker.

This was my post here two years ago and it still is very important.

I think there are several crucial things to keep in mind:First, never play in the same sandbox as a narcissist as long as you can possibly avoid it. They may be your parents, but if they are, they are nasty, dangerous people. Never forget that.
Always detach from their craziness, drama etc.  It is simply not your fault and there is nothing you can do to change them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they will change, you will have a decent relationship with them, etc.  Arms length, and only if you have to according to your moral beliefs.
If you have spiritual advisers, then be sure to find out what your actual responsibilities are to your parents - avoid being trapped by people who lie and lay guilt traps.

Hi There.. I found this website.. hopefully someone has had this issue and can give me insight. Long story short.. my brother (a gay psychiatrist, not married, age 53) and my mom( age 82) lived in Arizona, not together. I live in another state. Brother got a new job in south carolina, him and my mom moved there an live together. I think my brother has narcissistic personality disorder (kind of like our dad) and my mom has always been a victim. I have always kept them at arms distance away. I don't want to be like them. I have a family, 3 kids. My brother texted me a few weeks ago to let me know my mom was having surgery. Wouldn't tell me what kind, hospital, dr etc.. I asked him questions.. about it, ignored me. He then blocked from her phone. I can't get a hold of her. He has her phone. I want to talk to her to make sure she is ok. Had a tele. conversation with my brother last week and I asked to talk to her and he said she was sleeping. I told him that I would come out there with my husband and help fix up their house, and unpack. All he kept telling me was that I was uninvited and can't come until I am invited. His house is under surveillance, due to his patients and if I set foot on his property he will have me arrested/get a restraining order. I think he is trying to be very controlling and manipulative. I think he is manipulated her as well, by telling her I don't care about her. Because he is a psychiatrist, he knows the system and he knows how to manipulate it, and he will twist it to make it sound like I am crazy. All I want to do is talk to her. What should I do?

Again, everything is left up to the caregiver. How wonderful!! Not only are you trapped into taking care of a family member, but you have to "drive" the conversation with other family members who could care less.

I come from a very large family . My mo.m gave birth to 8 children and its saddens me to see how little loyaly is shown toward my mom in her aging years. I LOVE her dearly i really do. Doing my best to take care of her. Im receiving very support from my family my mom survived breast cancer 2 strokes and NURMOUUS operations i just need to find resources to help me help her

i really needed to read this. i am dealing or say not dealing with my brother who has blocked my phone number after my mom was medflight . he basically told me that he is putting in for a job transfer in tennessee he is selling everything (farm machinery and tools from my great grandfather. he can’t watching the farm being taken away because of my moms medical bills, actually the first question i was asked when i arrived after 4 hours to get to my moms. the nursing home didn’t call me and i am poa they called my brother because he was local, they still could have contacted me. she was medflight at 5 am i only found out because i called to confirm our home appointment the next day. they said if there was a problem they would call me back. they called and informed me that she isn’t there so i asked where is she. the hospital. which hospital. trauma center which is the big one. what time did she go. 4:30. what happened. she was unresponsive. i was having a hard time with that but my mom comes first. i called my brother and he said she is just like dad was. she is talking out of her head. he said he had to go and sign something. he said he better not be responsible for anything. he had not seen her in a month because of my daddy’s will. he said he wouldn’t be there until late. i was shocked when they were there but the first question was how much does a helicopter cost (my niece boyfriend said 43?000) is it covered, i really wasn’t worried about that. he said go see your mother. thank god they were pulling the tube out as we got there. she kept asking if i was okay. my brother didn’t even go to her room. anyway she is doing well but i called my brother and he told me all that and he isn’t farming. then he said our dad’s will is it and you can have it all we are done, you have to take care of everything for her. we live two hours away. he said they took the will to his lawyer and this is it. well if i can figure out that it doesn’t matter it’s my moms plus her name is on the deed. my daddy’s will mention a trust and i would get half of the farm income and if something happens to me my husband gets it and then my nieces but if something happens to him it goes directly to his kids. so yes there was hatred in it but he should be mad at my dad and not my mom and me. he knows that my mom is giving him 290 acres minus the 10 we want and her house which need to be torn down. sorry for the long story but he resents me because i went to college and then my husband and i moved to another state but we were always there when they needed us and visit. i came down to care for them. i have always wanted a relationship with my brother and about 5 years ago he started calling me and he confided in me about this woman friend who builds him up versus criticizing him. i saw my brother really happy. but my husband knew when he breaks it off or whatever he will be gone again. he was my brother at times but he always disappeared. 2015 i moved down to take care of my moms foot. they couldn’t even come down one day because i had an appointment to change her bandages. when my daddy was dying in 2016 he said you come back after 30 years and all you do is cause trouble. after my daddy died he blocked my phone number again. so i have to just let it go i have no control over anything. he has not talked to my mom since march. she almost died twice and she had her big toe and part of her foot amputated. . we feel like we are grieving a loss but i can’t make him talk to us. we had to find out his intention with the cash crop and is he paying her through a lawyer. my mom didn’t have a copy of the contract the lawyer talked to him and he said he is the only one working and he has liens on the machinery and the crops. he did drop off the contract with a termination of the lease and 6,000 and he will pay the rest in november. i have not been dealing with this well at all as many of you know. i have turned to anorexia and i am down to 105 pounds. it’s done no more.

My younger siblings are too toxic to deal with and were hateful long before my father died but really started to bully my mother when she was grieving. I know other people who have had the same experience. One lady looked after her mum for years but her older brothers all moved in when the mother was sick and now she has to share a house with them while they all try to sell it to split the proceeds (with her share, she will not be able to afford to live in her own neighbourhood close to her workplace and all her friends - so on top of her grief she is dealing with finding a new home and probably a new job and social isolation).

Forgot to say: I turn 60 in a month and have no one. I feel there is nothing left for me so any tips are appreciated. And yes I know the situation is my fault but to be fair when one is manipulated from birth to think abuse is normal, before the internet learning this was not in the cards.

This article leaves out when a narcissistic mother pits the children against each other to get sympathy or attention. I'm the caretaker and my 88 year old mother endlessly bashes me to the other siblings. They, who've not seen her nor visited her home for a decade or more, refuse to take my word that she has cognitive problems or that she/we need any help even if something simple they do everyday such as do internet research. Now that she's used me up (I just finished 15 months of almost daily hard physical labor cleaning up 42 years of hoarding and filth in preparation of downsizing her), she's ready to dump me and give all the items I cleaned up to her loved children and let them reap the benefit of my labors by giving them the assets from the house sale. They are all set for life and financially well off while my life is a shambles because I spent too much time on her. How can I move on (admittedly I don't know where and don't feel in a mental state to make a permanent decision) and not lose it from her breaking me mentally and physically and then rewarding those who did nothing for her (leaving it all to me to do) and don't need the rewards?

I see I am not alone. It is sad when a parent needs help it should bring siblings closer but sometimes it does not. My situation is that I lost my mom and brother back to back. My father got dementia and other illnesses. Because of this he no longer was able to drive or maintain his diabetic medications. My sister who never helped came around only to steal from my dad then disappeared. I have another brother who lives across the country but always has an excuse why he can't help or send money and he is financially able too. My dad made some poor decisions as a self employed person and thusly does not have saving or xtra money. I get no help from any of my siblings. My dad has now had a stroke and needs much help after rehab. I can no longer take care of him as my health has started deteriorating. I have told my siblings I will sell his home and put our dad in nursing home which I have never wanted for him but I can no longer lift him and help him while trying to keep a roof over my head and raise my kids. It breaks my heart that I had two great loving parents, but their other children are awful from my sister stealing his last of his reverse mortgage that he needs for his care. I have now just cut them loose as they have done nothing in 4 years of his dementia.

My mother in law is no longer with us. She had vascular dementia. We had a sibling who lived far away from her, called daily, and believed everything Mom complained about...the caregiving sister was stealing her money, she hadn't seen anyone for days, etc. Of course, none of this was true. Caregiving sis is an angel on earth. Faraway sis is a narcissist. Detaching from her has preserved us all.

What if the narcissistic, abusive sibling is the one who has put herself in charge of caring for Dad and won't let me make any decisions?

I could go on and on like everyone else on this thread but I won't. The true tragedy is the lack of professional help. The rule of "ask and you shall receive" does not apply here. I've asked and all I received was booklet after booklet of advertisements. Call and the first question is "what is your mother's income." Not one would help me on the road to finding help for my mother or me. Everything is about money. It is ingrained into our society. Even my siblings don't want to risk financial difficulties and give up their time, energy, etc. My mother died this year and I still miss her ten months later. I will NEVER forgive my siblings. It is NOT anger or resentment. Her life could have been so much better with their help. My siblings will get what is coming to them. Life will see to that. Unfortunately, our society will continue to run the same way--ignoring those who really need help and enjoying the monetary profits from the elderly, infirm, and sick.

Wow! Seeing I'm not alone! ycatsms I could of wrote your story! Are you sure we don't have the same useless brother? I take care of my mom but, he gets all the praise! And he's conned her out of everything! House, Land, money, boat etc. She has absolutely nothing left to leave me but, I'm the one who has always been there for her. Him? Not so much! Like I said, you just described him. It's very hurtful and mom just doesn't understand any of it. She resents me for being the one taking care of her. She says she gives to those that need! Our heating and air is going out, we need a new roof, help paying the house note would be awesome!! But I get nothing! I soothe myself by constantly reminding myself that in the end, I get the best parts of her. I have the memories from beginning till end just as I had with my brother that I took care of that just passed. Material things can't replace that. My oldest brother will never have that. I pray one day something clicks with him and everything he did to her and everything he didn't do for her and every lie he's ever told her comes back to haunt him! Sadly I just don't think he has that humanity in him or he never could of done the things he's done to his own mother and brother. I can guarantee being there for him is not something he will ever have from me. I'm done after mom is gone.

I am SOOOOO living this life!! I am the only one here, but I have a brother who has never had to have any responsibility in his whole life! He has ownership of our house that we live in, and he won't give me title so I can do a reverse mortgage and get the money out of it to fix it up, so thus we have a huge gaping hole in the ceiling where it leaks every time it rains, and you KNOW it's got to be stocked with mold and mildew?? But my brother thinks when my grandmother passes away, he's going to inherit the house and make money on selling it. But he can't afford to pay his bills now, so he won't be able to pay the mortgage when she passes. So the bank's gonna get the house. And he's always been the FAVORED CHILD. If I was lying on my death bed, and he walked in, it would not matter if I didn't take another breath...they (meaning my grandmother, and my Dad - they are really the only ones left) would not notice!!! And it's just not fair...he never calls, he never comes home and he lives 3 hours away. When I have to call him about the fact that something is going on with her, he doesn't pick up. She broke her leg a couple of years ago and I blew up his phone and sent tons of messages, til I just gave up...after 3 weeks, he called me on my phone bc he couldn't get in touch with her on her phone to borrow money. I told him she was in the nursing home with a broken leg, and he blew up at me for not making sure he knew!! So this time - she just got out of the hospital today after being there since Saturday night - I sent him ONE message and called him once. My dad finally called him and let him know what was going on, and when I called my brother to ask why he hadn't called to get a status report, he started cussing me out! So I hung up on him. My family consistently make excuses for him - he works, his car doesn't work (which is a lie - he uses that whenever he doesn't want to whatever he thinks people are trying to make him do something that looks like RESPONSIBILITY...like come home occasionally...)...Well, I told my dad that if he was going to continue to make excuses for my brother, I was not going to talk to him either!! I work 2 (TWO) jobs - my job that I work from home, and a small business that I am trying to get started on the side, ON TOP OF BEING THE SOLE CARETAKER of a 98 year old grandmother with mid-stages of dementia. I have 0 - Z.E.R.O. - HELP from ANY other family members...and in order for me to get a break, I have to put her in an assisted living, that costs me an extra $100 a day added to my own vaca expenses...so it's A LOT for me to carry by myself, and my dad is making excuses for my brother that he works ONE job! And he has a daughter that he never sees, and won't do what's right by her, and expects all of us to just expect him to be pitiful! Well, I'm 48 and 45 of those 48 years have been with people making freaking excuses for him and I AM TIRED OF IT. So I told my dad that if he continued to go down that road, I would not continue to talk to him. I am resigned to the fact that when my grandmother passes, I will no longer have a brother, but that is fine with me. The only reason I try now is because of her...he is the reason the world turns for her, so I TRY and make him care for her, but it just doesn't work and that's what causes most of my stress (that, and the fact that I loaned him, against my better judgement, money, but because my grandmother wanted me to, but NO MORE)...(but I am also resigned to the fact that I won't be getting that money back either). But when she's gone, and I don't have to try and make him care FOR HER SAKE, I won't be contacting him at all, and since I won't be loaning him any more money, he won't be contacting me either, so therefore, I won't have a brother any more. But that's just fine with me. I just cannot take this type of narcissistic selfish behavior any more.

Where do I begin? (The only caretaker of 3 daughters - The middle child, that's me). Let me make it easy: ONLY the children who really Give a D*mn about the parent will help. For out-of-town children, they TOO can offer to help (take vacations in Mom's town and relieve the other caretaker - do some of the paperwork - help make arrangements). That is.....IF they care. If not, it's a dead end as in my case. The part that is the MOST IRKING is when "Out of Nowhere" - they want to pass judgment. Huh? My mom is 96 and very disabled (blind, wheelchair bound, severely demented), but she can still smile and I can make her laugh, and she's living a very long life. I retired from a very stressful Los Angeles healthcare job managing a large multi-office medical practice, moved to her city and bought a condo right next door to her for years before she had to go to MemoryCare. I rest my case. (And don't even get me started on the "hands out" for money. That can occur BEFORE the parent is deceased. All I can do is repeat what my wise Grandmother taught me, "When you go to bed at night, you put your head on your pillow and can have a clear conscience." (As I have seen others have written and I fully agree, the non-helping siblings think there is nothing involved in taking 100% responsibility for a very ill, severely demented parent. No, nothing EXCEPT donating my well-earned retirement to taking care of a parent, but it's never wrong to "do the right thing." That pillow feels pretty good at night.

I'm struggling with this issue exactly. Sister swoops in from half way across the country to "fix" a 15-year system of caregiving for mom that I've had in place and was working great. The tension between us actually goes back many, many years with her deceitful, controlling and manipulative ways.She has a history of trying to trick or guilt family members into doing what she wants, all while feigning innocence and all disguised with a sweet, sing-song voice. After a lawsuit threat, it wasn't worth the fight to keep the POA I've had for my mom for 13 years, so I resigned. I'm making it into a positive because now I can spend my time simply enjoying mom's company. No plans to continue a relationship with my sister moving forward and I am good with that. A little sad, but life is too short to have negative relationships with anyone be they family or not.

Hi, this is another excellent article on a topic that needs attention, for negative relationships among siblings seems to be one of the biggest category of issues faced in families when caregiving is needed.

And it is in many ways, the most meaningful, for our sibling relationships tie us to our past, our family, our sense of belonging and hope - and when that is fractured, it hampers our self esteem in other relationships, for we learn to block off feelings.

I just had a wonderful family meeting - long overdue after I had done the caregiving for our youngest brother, for 40 years! It just happened that I asked my mother if she would trust me to try to help this young man, who frightened others and had ongoing seizures - and to my surprise, she grabbed the opportunity and put him on the next bus headed in my direction. After I started helping, I continued for several reasons, 1. I found coaching and training very interesting, and I saw my efforts working. Though there were difficult ups and downs, I noticed my brother's seizures diminished greatly, and when I trained him to do things in the real world, like ride the subway and I kept him company through the many issues of transition to adult life - I saw his behavior towards others improve, and I kept demanding and finding safe ways to get his behavior improved towards me as well.

2. Since I lived alone in this area and even this country, while my siblings remained in Canada - I saw the major scrapes my disabled brother could get into, if alone in an adult world - victimization, harm, etc. So, no matter how large the battle between us (shouting at each other from opposite sides of a street - I had to learn to focus on him, not on propriety, which he had learned to use as a way to not face things), but I noted through ups and downs including hospitalizations and new programs to help, changes of residence, etc - that my goal: to help him stay in one place long enough for others to get to known him, not his explosive behaviors - my goal came closer and closer. I put him in the country because he was used to that way of life and it was simpler for him and more accepting, and I worked to help him fit in and persist.

But other siblings did not get the whole picture, and I learned last week that one brother had always resented my taking that brother to live near me. I was able to answer, for I know what I did, and how it evolved, and feel sure of my intentions and efforts - and know that my reliability was a value, no more could be challenged after the fact.

I want to add one piece to the article: where it talks of the option of adding distance, and knowing the time to stop trying to convince another of what one sees as important.

This concept as suggested carries the same focus on short term as pervades so much of our conversations today. Yes, there is a time to stop trying. Yes, a time for distance. But it is important, I believe, to love and humanity and hope - that this distance is clear, accepted, needed, but defined as temporary.

Being totally cut off from my family of origin, because of many of my own choices, but later because of distance and money and alienation through arguments on the phone over caregiving - hearing someone blocking my phonecalls, or saying they don't want to speak to me again - carried a huge hurt for me, already isolated from them. It's one thing when you live two blocks away, to say, "I'm fed up with you, I need my space, don't come back." With proximity, such pronouncements are not final - they are intended to provide a very needed break in intensity, so perspective can be gained and other issues addressed.

But when such words are said to someone living 9-10 hours away - those remarks feel final, and few signals emerge in life, to suggest other avenues to communicate to stay in touch at all. Total isolation, forever, of a caregiving sibling, is not the ultimate goal, I don't think.

Who is with your mother when you go home? To hell with your sisters.... They don't care for you either.....I'd be angry beyond belief..

For my peace of mind, as the 64-year old caregiver to my 80-year old husband and 90-year old Mom, I have had to walk away from my two sisters. The three of us are each so different from one another physically, emotionally, intellectually, that often people ask us if we are half sisters or adopted! Sometimes I sit back and observe them and wonder if in fact we were switched at birth...One sister talks to Mom as if my dear Mom were already dead; "when you die" or "once you are gone" or "since you don't need this or that anymore" or "Mom your Last Will and Testament says this, but I think you should rewrite it thus so we can sell the house easier..." I can see how hurt my Mom is, but she doesn't dare say anything because she doesn't want to offend my sisters! She doesn't want a confrontation with my sisters! She doesn't want to fight! The other sister often repeats her sick mantra: "Why didn't Mom and Dad plan better for their retirement? Now we are stuck with having to care for their needs, and that is not fair?" Often, I have wanted to scream at them "enough"! Instead I've swallowed my words for Mom's sake and gone home depressed and angry. I've tried to have a conversation with them in which we see the valuable gift of life that Mom gave each of us; the manners, guidance, feeding, clothing, educating that she showered on us so that we'd have the opportunity to live full and successful lives. That we owe her for having had us, raised, educated, and supported us. Each time, I've been met with derision or a recounting of all those times when Mom was less than perfect. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. Honestly, if these were strangers I'd met in class or a quilting group, I would never have invited them into my life. I've had to let go of them. But now my Mom is hurt because she wants the three of us to get along, and she blames me for not "making up with my sisters", even though during one of their most egregious failures towards Mom, myself and my husband, Mom was fully in agreement with me that my sisters cared only about themselves and their money, and that it was better for me to write them off. My mom's pleading that we get along saddens me, but I feel like I'd be betraying myself if I acted like nothing happened here and we are all one happy group of sisters.