I stumbled across this site after quitting a caregiver position. These are a new breed of dementia clients in their eighties or nineties. I had clients with Alzheimers years ago, but you knew they were not there.

I had a client for two months that turned out to be a tyrant. This woman played games with me. She would lie and said that she had fallen down the minute I left. She would lock me out of the house if I went to my car to make a phone call or just to get away from her. She could be nice one day and completely combative and irritable the next day. There were papers all over the place. One day it was so bad, I sat in the basement and cried. This person knew how to work a room and would be very nice to visitors but treated her home health aides like servants ordering them around. The behavior would escalate between 4:30 pm to 6:00 pm. She would take to running me around in circles until I put a stop to it. I would be there all day and things would be done at her leisure. She refused to be bathed at a normal hour, but would scream that I didn't take care of her when she wanted to be bathed twenty five minutes before my shift was over. When it was approaching time to go home, she would up the ante and say things that I don't want to work for her even though I had been working all that day. I couldn't answer simple questions on the phone not even to my supervisor. The behavior hit the fan when she backed me into a corner and dared me to move saying that she was going to report elder abuse if I touched her. I started praying out loud. She had the nerve to say this wasn't about Jesus. Anyway, I noticed how she would be on her best behavior when neighbors would come around or when she had a doctor's appointment even though she would try to cancel out at the last minute. I just got tired of the constant criticism and being told that she was going to get me fired for not taking out the trash in the manner and time she wanted it to go out. Some of these were soiled depends where she had defecated and urinated in them and they needed to go out immediately.

Finally, I had enough. I say let these folks become wards of the court and let the government deal with these types. People can only take so much before their own health and mental sanity is at risk.

despite all the problems I have with my mom's Alzheimer's. I do love her very much and I'm glad she is still with me. It's come to a point I'm so used to caring for her if she died I'll become a total emotional cripple-- she's been the very center of my life for years and years. In other words she is every bit dependent on my as I am of her. Now you know how it's like to be a caregiver and what it does to your life.

A lot of people with Alziheimer's disease do not realize the effect of their behaviors have on their caregivers. When it comes to medications, for example, it is bad enough to have to crush them but the stress is resistance *giving* them their medicine..they can clamp their mouth shut, and even lash out -- meanwhile their blood pressure can climb to 200/100 systolic if they do not take their meds. If you tell them they will end up in the hospital if they refuse to take their meds, they don't care. They do not want to get out of bed. They do not want to brush their teeth. They do not like to use the toilet--even after guiding them there and they are seated but still refuse--because they are quite content to defecate or urinate in their diaper. Basic care becomes a major struggle and this is an ongoing thing--seven days a week. The very moment I wake up I am stressed out to the max. It's like that everyday. I know she can't help it and it is a thankless job without pay.

I have been a private in home care giver 20+ years with no complaints or problems. Iv been with this patient 6 yrs. Watching other caregivers come an go cause of the treatment from the family employers. Iv been put down accused of things that's never happened. An they don't care what they say where they say it or if it's true or not. It's gotten so bad. I depend on this job an at this point in time of i lose this job I will be jobless an homeless. I am 40 years old. With a 16 year old son an at wits end. I don't no what to.do anymore. Oh been told this is slander an worse. An also have been checking into lawyers. I do not want to work for these people anymore but at this time I just can't just up an leave being I rent an apt from them an basically there slave. There is 4 children that my patient had 2 hates the other 2. Over money an assets an the poor man is still alive. He's gave them everything.. An he's rich so they constantly harass him about who's got what or getting what. He's even already gave them everything. He goes without so much. Nothing is ordered in time when we need it. He goes without groceries, medications etc.. An an is talked to an treated like a dog.. I can only do much. I need opinions an to no what to do. Im so afraid I'm going to lose my job an my home because I wanna speak out. This really is a bad situation. An I just have no idea what I'm gonna do.. please help me. Thank you for the time of ready my message. Any help, opinions or suggestions would be so greatly appreciated. Thank u so much..

Many are abused even moreso - esp psychologically - as their health deteriorates and being the target as the one who has the majority of work. Elders dislike being reliant on their kids and yet, often ask or need it. Nothing I do is ever enough in their or my do-nothing siblings eyes. Because I have to keep the running of things smooth (appts. meds, parent safety), logic is essential for keeping my sh*t in check. It's not easy. Esp when caring for people who were mentally unwell & didn't take good care of me growing up.

All the dysfunctions they had (alcoholism, narcissistic, depression, anxiety) that were not addressed over their lifetime have increased in severity with age. Further compounding the stress for caregiver is being the punching bag for all these mental health issues and more. Especially those siblings and well intending folks who tell you to just up and move or put them in AL. I wish it were all so simple. But I have a conscience and more logic than they do at this point. I dont need approval anymore though acknowledgment would be so very very welcomed. I wake up every morning tempted to ask, "How may I disappoint you today?" as I usually have to fork over self care in total attendance to their self absorption. God forbid I have any down days - I will never hear the end of it and have to endure the "up the ante" ...quips and mental evaluations of my seemingly awful character and failure of their needs.

I often feel like asking - how did such an amazing set of parents raise such a terrible child?

The selfishness is unlike anything I have seen. The yelling and fighting between them is awful - and apparently this helps some elderly couples feel valued according to therapists. Rigggght. Even when I bring up the effect this has on their health mine, they both then turn on me and make fun of me while ganging up. Kind of like the police who get called out on TV to those domestic disturbances - they end up in the crosshairs. UGH

The emotional damage that takes place is not always visible on the caregiver - leading family and the outside world without compassion...further intensifying caregiver isolation.

I don't want to age like they did. I often wish this was over but the guilt sets in. I actually don't really even want that, I am mourning the hope of having healthy parents that love me in an equally (much less CLOSE) manner.

It's that anticipatory living grief that is oft inexplicable.

I really don't know if this is the place for my question, if anyone has read my story you know I take care of unrelated 80 yr old in my home, and her children would not help like they said and I tried to put her in AL but she needs gauranteer or cosigner so my only other option is to report them and she'll become a ward of the state, we'll she cried to me and I told her if she stayed here I wanted to be paid for caring for her because she depends on me for everything, I have enrolled her in the pace program and this month they will decide how much help she will receive, so I raised her rent $200 a month for my services and with help I hoped it would work out, but I catch her lying alot and now she has IRS on her because someone has claimed her for 5 years that she doesn't know, her 2 sons are drug attics and I think that's what happened because I was told they are thieves and one was in jail for robbery, know after 42 years all of a sudden my ss card is missing, and I have had $ missing $100 bills, 2 at different times, I have ran her sons off and called police but the $ disappeared after that and I did find $100 bill under her sheets when I changed am and she said it was counterfeit, I asked why she thought that and she said her son told her it was.. Am I being paranoid? Could an old defenseless woman be taking advantage of me or is it all coinsidence? She has severe aortic valve closing so I can't be mean to her and kick her out with no evidence. Should I just trust my instinct and set a trap ? Do I really want to know? She probly has a year to live and I'm feeling pulled back n forth on this one, even my husband said it's a 60/40 chance it was my money and she's lying, it's not really the money so much as the trust of someone who does everything for u and they would take from you .. are people really that self absorbed and greedy, tell me I'm crazy and shame on me if you gals think I am..

I've already heard abuse happens to some caregivers. But that is mostly about those who have been hired by the family. They are usually abused either by the care receiver or the family or even both.

My photo shows what happened to me as the caregiver for my MIL. In addition to being accused of stealing (not ever true), I was kicked, punched, had teeth knocked out, my lip split and then she would tell everyone I hit her. I never did.
If I knew how I was going to be treated by her when she lived in my house, I never would have done it. They were the worst 9 years of my life. The split lip in my profile photo is from when she hit me in the mouth with her walker, I lost my balance, fell to the floor where she continued to pummel me with same walker until my husband pulled her off of me. If you are being abused, tell the abuser's doctor. Police won't come to arrest a 96 year old but telling your therapist and telling her doctor (take pictures as well) will prove you are being abused and not the abuser. Caregiving is hell on earth if you get someone like this.

I went through the same type of abuse. Cops didn't want to haul and old lady out of my house because they didn't want to take her to jail. My counselor told me to take photos of the times she attacked me and send copies to HER doctors and social workers so when she tried to accuse me of hurting her, that would be proven a lie. You can see her handiwork in my photo and my moniker here. Finally she died. Good riddance. Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead!!!!

The families of caretakers should be responsible for injury to the caretaker. many are to afraid or do not know if they have any options. this is especially true in families the attitude is better them than me. the families of the patient have an obligation to protect the caretakers. abuse on either side should be reported to the police. many of you reading this may not realize it is a two way disease and the caretaker may be embarrassed or scared to ask for help,

You so right, jeanlyles1, the lawyer I spoke of previously, was actually running in the elections in that town. He was so crooked, it was unbelievable.
How do these lawyers allow elderly Alzheimer patients, sign wills, POAs etc ... after asking the person, "Do you know what day it is?" Answer: "NO". "Do you know who the president of the US is?" Answer: "Eisenhower". "OK, she can sign, she's okay". ARE YOU KIDDING?
Someone has to do something about this, and soon . . .

It piles up in layers like dirty cloths left on the floor of the laundry room. Anyone seeing it from a single visit would address it simply by gathering it all up and throwing it out. As the caregiver, you would want to clean it up by separating the wash down to lights from darks. This is not a pitch and start fresh deal, they are who they are when they are most comfortable. They thrive on controlling the closest people to them and the tool is confusion.

They know you as well as you know them but sadly the things that stimulate their interpretation of you can be entirely different than what you are projecting. It is like being with someone who is extremely prejudiced of people with blue eyes. No matter what you do to benefit them, they will discount it as their superior over you. They can easily compartmentalize that prejudice around others and hide it.

Your only defense is to do things on occasion that are deliberately out of character; not to them but things that involve you. If you are punctual, show up late a few times. If you always remember every detail, say you forgot or you don’t recall. Change your hair without discussion or invite a pop-in short visit without warning. The message is that you are encharge of whatever involves the things that matter to you. They have to learn to respect that before they can understand the respect you have been giving them.

Good article. Wish it could help get better backups/supports for caregivers.
I got _totally_ next-to-dead-burned-out, as was my spouse.
It was clear, related to how family members treated me [verbal, actions], they were supportive of our elder's abusive behaviors, under our roof 6 years.
Her behaviors included so badly bruising my arm [deliberate attack], it still hurt too bad to touch 4 years later during a manipulation procedure; and, using her hands to try to strangle me.
But those were occasional icing on the cake compared with the verbal threats and abuses she used to maneuver me out of family group, which were constant, and almost daily, to one degree or another.
Her 'personal best' for rages? An 8-hour long scream/yelling fest, following me around the house, flipping in and out of personalities and cycling behaviors, threatening, raging, making weird statements and disconnected thoughts, following me to the bathroom, etc.
A couple times, she almost burned the house down related to her using the electric stove.
Those behaviors and verbals, were not much different from those she used on us as kids, and were the reason some of us left home as soon as we could find a safer place.
The only solution I could come up with was, to "love them all from a safe distance", restrict any communication to bare minimums and only in print...because they all showed, by words and behaviors, that I was no longer wanted in their group, for whatever reasons each thought was relevant.
That left me mourning the loss of an entire family.
4 years later, still don't know if "over it" can ever happen. I love them, and miss family I realized, after over 60 years, none of us ever really had, due to how broken we all have been. Pernicious promises and classic abuser-behavior patterns, did a whammy on all of us. She couldn't help herself.
Police didn't want to take reports because I called too many hours later [we were where there was no phone service at that episode]; other times, they weren't available, or, she'd reverted to her sweetness-and-light-mode for them.
Between zero supportive officials, and zero help or support from family, I was prime target material for any abuser, unsure who to call at all--it was all futile when it was really needed--so why bother, ever?
Social Workers FAILED to find anything wrong on their evaluation, because they honored her request to NOT see her room, and FAILED to recognize certain behaviors as "tells", like her taking a break away from their questions, a few times during their 2-hour interview, which allowed her to regroup her stories. They missed all that, despite my telling them to be on the lookout for certain things which most people miss, but which can be very revealing of an elder's state, even for Showtimers.
Hospital workers FAILED to evaluate her mental issues, which she's mostly hidden all her life, because they don't get to see anyone long enough to observe, and, weren't of a mind to listen to the caregiver.
Caregivers need help and support, and aren't getting much, if any.
Some of us "are dyin' out here"...which eventually becomes greater burden on society by increasing the numbers of damaged caregivers.

One of the biggest lawyers in our town told me it is going on everywhere. What I didn't tell him is that the lawyers are the ones allowing it. They are the only ones that could police these situations because elderly protection follows the attorneys/State, our caregivers were threatened by sister in law who the elderly parents did hot trust her, for very good reason - she killed them for money.

I took care of my friend's mother, (who had Alzheimer Disease) for three years. The first year was pleasant, we got along very well. But slowly, things started going down hill.
At first it was vile verbal abuse ... Cussing, and swearing like a sailor. But the next days it was hugs and kisses! Then she started blocking the door with furniture so I couldn't get in. As I eventually would get an arm, or leg in and start pushing the door open, (with all her strength) she would slam the door closed! She was physically VERY FIT, and STRONG, for an 80 year old!

By the middle of the second year, she was hitting me, not light slaps, I mean all out punches and body slams! The first one was at an MRI facility. She did not want to go in. Once we were called in, and walked through the door, she immediately turned around and body slammed me into the closed door. She came at me again, within seconds, and with a closed fist, she punched me square in the face, broke my glasses, and gave me a black eye!!!
It was decided, she wasn't having the test done.

The next time, she came up behind me and grabbed my pony tail. She flung me around the room like a rag doll. She would dig her nails into my arms, and draw blood, (I have the scars to prove it). She was throwing things at me.

Finally, I told the family I couldn't do this anymore. They understood. Being her family lived quite a distance away from her, her neighbors would call me to tell me, she was walking around the building naked, moving UPS/FedEx packages to other apartments or floors. Police were sometimes called, then the hospital would call me . . . They finally got round the clock in-home care. But they usually didn't stay long. Along with all this, she refused to be bathed, or let them dress her.

Eventually, she was put in a very good nursing home, where about five months later, she peacefully passed in her sleep. It's very difficult, and a challenge to deal with an abusive elderly person, especially when you know, it's really not them. Patience is definitely a virtue!

The only thing I can recommend is, if you do have to get outside help, or put them into a home ... MAKE SURPRISE VISITS! Had I not done this, things would have been a lot worse. I found bruises on her arms, legs and back, she was laying in her own urine ... Not all home health care workers are trained to deal with aggressive elderly people. Stop in UNANNOUNCED ... ALWAYS have keys to his/her house/apartment! Good luck and God Bless. HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all!

Thank-you Sandy. The outcome has proven what pathetic yet complicated life people can live. From a caregiver's view I only knew my passed cousin closely from the time of the death of her brother in 2003, from then on she attached her problems onto me. She was such a miserable person that only 3 people (cousins) attended her service including me. One took 70% came from New York, the other who took 30% lived 1/2 a mile away never bothered. After 3 years our cousin remains in an unmarked grave.

I don't have the income to change that. However I now have clear sight, without the burden of worrying about not having enough money to pay for my senior care and please this smoldering family.

In my situation the abuse was emotional, directed at me by out of state siblings. Of course I realize there are always 2 (or more) sides to any story....but after the dust settles, what really matters is what is put in writing, what is videotaped, and what you have 2 or more witnesses saying the same thing. When there are out of state, or out-of-touch, siblings, just because they are "family" means literally nothing.
These siblings might believe they have some "status" in the scenario, merely because they might be beneficiaries to the estate.
But while the seniors are still alive, the seniors, or their designated POA, get to decide.
In my case the siblings have given me quite horrible treatment, before and now after parents have both passed away, and are throwing the estate into probate (where it has no business being) just to spite me.
This is emotional abuse, and their actions are also harming the entire estate---in other words, they are going to get less money from the estate because of their own actions.
It is truly sad what happens in some families.

It's sad to read so many accounts of caregivers being abused, although I already realized this is a huge, unaddressed issue. I think another form of caregiver abuse involves family members dumping the care on one person, refusing to help and then thinking they have the right to judge the job the lone caregiver is doing. They're only roused to action when they can interfere and attempt to impose their care standards on the caregiver, thinking they're the abusive patient's champion, with no understanding of the patient's physical and mental challenges or what it takes to try to accommodate them. I loved the comment about family helping with prayers but not willing to provide tangible, boots on the ground assistance. I know that one all too well! I'm inclined to think the adage, "No good dead goes unpunished" was custom made for the role of caregiving. Interestingly, I had more help from total strangers than from family. Other caregivers I've spoken to had the same experience.

Enough said... I feel your pain, I had been, on more than one occasion left home less by families who decide suddenly to put the Elder into a home even after they hired me claiming they would not do that. There is nothing in place to protect the Caregiver, this is on of the most difficult job and most of the relatives just do not want to or are not capable of taking on the stress, abuse and responsibility but I have yet to meet a family member that cared about me as the person they hired in order to have their lives back. I am sitting here nervous, afraid and feeling betrayed, suddenly without income or notice or consideration and not knowing how many nights I will have a bed to sleep in now that they suddenly decided to immediately move my lady into a nursing home and move her son in so that they could have her home and whatever else they haven't already pillaged from her. There were about a dozen personal care homes in my area raided yesterday and the helpless resident were living in deplorable conditions, these personal care homes are rampant in Atlanta but when families have a better choice in having the Elder stay in the comfort of their homes they see the Caregiver as a scapegoat. There is no reward in Care-giving anymore just much sacrifice and no justice. And until there is an Act of Congress there never will be any protection for the Caregiver there is a lot of support for family Caregivers but not hired Caregivers.

My Mother's medicine was removed by sister in law. The caregivers were wonderful and took removing those medicines very hard. The visit to doctor excluded all of the children, only one caregiver and the sister in law (who had no legal authority). The doctor stated "We don't worry about removing medicines from women her age". Mother had a stoke several months later. Removing a statin from my Mother without tapering off, is like putting a bunch of clots into her arteries and crossing your fingers. Is this the attitude of doctors? Or my sister in law (attorney without authority)?

I have a topic that I would like to hear comments on. How do I present it?

I love it. I am the only caregiver of my husband. my stepchildren and step grandchildren have not seen him since his diagnosis because they don't want to. my children for the most part do not want to put up with his behavior because his verbal abuse to everyone is so out of control. everyone sees this and hears it. only one doctor put in writing about his inability to function on his own any more and told me to call 911 if necessary and suggested putting him in a memory facility. now all these children and grandchildren suddenly appear after 14 years and say he is fine. how would they know they haven't been alone with him for 14 years? they still haven't seen him. his brother who has the same disorder seems to be being used as a contact. why don't they call the house if they are concerned. I have not had any arguments with them. I feel like I am being abused from all sides. he is spending money uncontrollably lately on things that are not logically none of the money is going to his children. these are poor decisions that I have to rectify and am now realizing I have been in charge of the finances for years . even his broker got rid of him because of his behavior. I believe legal intervention is necessary before I become seriously ill or have a nervous breakdown. I feel this is abuse what can I do?

After so much abuse that the caregiver is forced to back away, leaving the Social System to step in; why does the system not followup with the Caregiver who was forced out? This has to happen often enough to know what damages take place. I was a caregiver that had managed the house of someone who was not a member of my immediate family. The probate attorney should be bound in some way to asses the losses of every caregiver. I was never called to meet or asked once how I was involved and why I had to say "enough".

If there are steps in place to acknowledge an uncompensated caregiver for a demanding person, that system has let me down.

I've had to move my mom back in with me - something I said I would never do as we had already lived together for 17 years of my adult life. I get almost no assistance from family. Actually my dear friends have assisted more than my family. I'm a single woman of 55, a homeowner, full-time employed individual. I am in decent shape and healthy but cannot deal with her demands, snappiness - she is ruining my peace of mind and my home used to be my "Zen" area. After working all day and driving home in an hour of crazy traffic I just want to come home and chill out. I've seen other caregivers ruin their health caring for their aging parents - who have too many needs and should be placed in a home where experts can assist. My family keeps asking me how long I plan on working...well till I'm dead! I'm alone and have bills to pay. I guess they are afraid she might have to come stay with them for awhile. I sometimes feel I'm in a rut that I cannot get out of. I don't care if it sounds selfish but I do not want to continue to be her numero uno caretaker. My mom has always been critical, demanding and I cannot discuss anything with her least she gets very "crotchety"...I hate this!

Why isn't there any article written about the abuse exploitation and neglect of Caregivers that are not family but are hired by the family, paid very little and lied to about the elders financial status simply because they want to keep their parents money. Just check Craig's List you will find hundreds of relatives of Seniors who want a whole lot for practically nothing!

Luckily I have not been physically injured by them, but have been injured plenty of times doing things around the house that they do not have money to hire someone to do. One year, I was outside dragging tree limbs right after surgery. I know that if I should get seriously injured, that I would have to call an ambulance myself because they will never call anyone to help me.
They express concern that my siblings will get hurt doing minor things, but it is ok for me to get hurt. I feel that they think I am only on this earth to look after other people - and not worth anything beyond that. I had to stop working, so I am dependent on them to help me with some bills. Everyone in the community thinks that we have a perfect family and that I am 'so lucky' to be a part of it.

I am primary caregiver for my 88 yo mother...have been for many years. With her deterioration, she lashes out in a more aggressive manner. I have no support from mom's doctor at all. Vna services come in and out. The last time, over the summer, they all, except the psychiatric nurse (mom is very good at manipulating situations) saw the real situation I'm living in. Their only advise....let mom do whatever she wants...even if dangerous, until the next er or hospital visit. Then refuse to bring her home. Let the social worker at hospital place her. Until then....keep as much distance as possible. The house is half moms and half mine. She refuses to honor any boundaries and corners me in my part of yhe house. Typically its to try and get a fight going. I've learned to put my hand up in stop position and refuse to discuss further. Refusing to fight with her only works if i can walk away...not often. Im trapped in a no win, no way out living environment.

I had taken care of a cousin dying of cancer. It was a slow process. Over a period of 11 years, I was the only one to stand up as I tried to maintain a home of my own and operate a small business.

She demanded attention on a weekly basis that grew into three times a week into her last year. By then it was shopping, laundry, house-keeping, fast-food, doctor appointments and everything that went along with it. As her things consumed mine I asked for help from 7 retired family members who only responded in prayer as I lost enough business to have involved over 80% of my savings for retirement.

Each time I explained who her demands were affecting my livelyhood, she cried how her issue was more important and because the issue of I working for myself; I would survive.

I was overwhelmed and exhausted by the time I could get Hospice to step in. She was so angry that she removed POA and left me nothing. It had taken to words of a lawyer to convince her that POA is nothing after a cousin passes on.

In an act of defiance she excepted the lawyer's terms and left her fathers estate and her few belongings to 2 cousins who never offered her any care or assistance throughout the 11 years I tried to comfort her.

The picture of me in my profile is from one of the times my MIL hit me in the mouth and split my lip through to the other side. And was the "inspiration" (not) for my moniker FEDUPNOW!

This is what happened to me when I took care of my MIL and stepmother.