Love that freqflyer! I hope never to have to respond with that saying but thank you

I'm not in this exact position but something similar and my heart goes out to those dealing with loved ones suffering from dementia. I care for my mother at home and her primary disease is vascular dementia and, just overall, slowing down (no mobility, severe urinary incontinence, hand arthritis), but there are times that I don't even want to see her - in my own home! I'm not going to lie. She's the elephant in the home that I feel will never go away! However, I do have a relief caregiver that comes in and although I'm working in my office just down the hall from my mother's bedroom, I know that this caregiver is on her toes with excellent care. If I wasn't home, she may just be on her cell phone all the time, texting and talking, while ignoring my mother's needs - because this has happened before with a different caregiver. I know it's painful for family to no longer emotionally connect with their dementia-based relative - but for the safety of that loved one, someone should visit at least weekly to make sure that loved one is not being neglected. Just because a nursing home/group looks like a 5-star resort - it doesn't mean there aren't ANY issues.

I will always remember a short blurb I had read many decades ago in Reader's Digest.... an older gentleman would visit his wife daily at the nursing home to help feed her.... a friend of his ask "why do you visit if she doesn't know you".... the husband answered "but I know her".

My MIL passed in 2013. We and BIL had to drive 2days to be there while she was in rehab. My husband sat by his Moms bed. Holding her hand and seeing she ate and drank. His brother was there but couldn't stay in the room. He just couldn't see his Mom that way. Some peopler like this others are just self centered. Then there r us that don't have the option and pick up the reins.

I don't think anyone is disputing why it's hard to watch a parent decline, but to visit or not to visit is the question. None of us like what we see, but we do what we have to do. And yes it's hard, but for ask the reasons mentioned, the right thing to do

Mom doesn't remember I visit her every single day and sometimes twice a day. Mom is very lonely and misses her husband and her past life where she could make decisions and do what she wanted to do. That life is now gone because of her dementia and I took most everything away from her to keep her safe.

I will still visit her every single day because she knows someone loves her for that little passage of time.

As a child taking care of my Mom in my home, I can see why a child would feel as they do. I hate seeing my Mom this way, dementia and frail. She has trouble expressing herself and its frustrating for both of us because...I can't read her mind. There is no ryhmn or reason to the things she does. She will eventually need longterm care. Yes, I will be there for most of the reasons mentioned. But, I can see why a child couldn't watch a loved parent go downhill.

Everyone has spot on excellent comments. Religious beliefs aside, people visit grave sites afterwards, so why not visit a living person who may in some way feel or hear your presence?! Many offered examples of how it makes a difference on a few levels. Please no one bash me for making a comparison but to me it's a valid one

Whether your loved one recognizes you or not, it's important that you make frequent visits to check on their health and care, maybe even bring a special treat or item of clothing for their use, or a gift for a favorite staff member. Any time I've visited a nursing home, even as a child, there were always patients who NEVER had any visitors. How sad. While your'e there, take a few minutes to chat with your LO's roommates or others in the sitting area or dining room, too.

Very well-said! Thank you!
While many people had traumatic relations with some of their elders, and thus, do not want to get near them, plenty have weak excuses, which just don't work very well.
The comment that family members visiting frequently helps keep the staff doing their jobs better....spot-on!
As a nurse, though, I can confirm: those with dementias DO know, on some levels, even if tiny ones, what's happening, and they still have needs and wants which they can no longer articulate...even those who SEEM so far-gone as to approximate being comatose.
I've witnessed it too often, to _ever_ think anyone can't understand a little, can't think a little. Even argued at-length with other staff about them charting "comatose" then mostly ignoring the patient in a bed...they were avoiding doing a proper job, since the patient in question was unable to communicate otherwise.
Consider this:
The sense of hearing is the 1st sense to develop in a fetus, and the last sense to shut-down as someone dies.
Even those who are mostly deaf, can someitmes pick up on sounds...and certainly on touch near the ears/face/head.
There are many ways to communicate; gentle words and gentle touch, can go a long way towards helping the elder who has lost the ability to communicate, to know someone is there with them, who cares.
Sometimes nursing staff and Docs, fail to consider that.
Nurses at Gma's facility, told my sister that Gma couldn't talk with her anymore, because she was too far dementia'd.
Sis walked in, told the nurse "watch this"
G'ma lit up like a 100W bulb, smiled and called her by name, because some bit of her still recognized sis, because she hadn't changed much at all in her life.
...Sis started talking with Gma...the difference was, we all knew G'ma's history, so as her mind jumped from one thing to the next, could sorta follow along, and keep talking back and forth with her ramblings, almost like a conversation.
The nurse was gob-smacked--she'd never heard G'ma talk like that.
OTH, G'ma _didn't_ recognize her _own_ daughter, because Mom had changed so much--and the part of G'ma's mind that was left, only retained a picture of her daughter as a little girl.
There have been too many instances of dementia patients trying to communicate, using weird assemblies of words and gestures to try, but if one really observes closely, and listens, especially to stuff that gets repeated, it's possible to figure out some of what they're trying to communicate.
Might not be anything anyone can do something about, but, the elder can feel more like someone is listening, and it might help calm them.
That is meaningful, comforting, and worth it.

I agree wholeheartedly. I visited many family members. Now I am 92 and wishing my family visited more but I will not demand It. Thankfully I still have my faculties but I have to wonder if I begin to lose them, will they visit me at all?

Another reason to visit is because the staff of the facility will see you and know that you and your family is paying attention. This can avoid problems down the road.

I agree wholeheartedly and I appreciate Rick Phelps' straightforwardness on this topic. My dad died one month ago, on November 20, 2015. He had alzheimer's and had been in a nursing home for almost 2 years. He hadn't known my name or anyone else name for years. But almost every time my mom, or my siblings or I walked in the room his face lit up. He recognized us as a familiar presence and us being there made that part of his day better. It almost never failed. Two days before he died in hospice, when he'd barely been awake for a week, he reached out to me when he heard my voice as I greeted him. These visits matter!! I had a million reasons not to go for regular visits. Both legitimate (I have three teenage girls at home) and frivolous (the smell of the cleaning solution they used at the facility made me sneeze constantly). But don't let yourself off the hook by thinking your family member isn't benefiting from your time. Just go.

I always wondered if my Dad knew I visited him every day. One day my aunt was visiting him, and he looked out the window and saw me coming, smiled broadly and said "There' s Emma." I will never forget that. I believe dementia patients know a lot more of what's going on than we think they do

Bravo! My hope is that the ones who NEED to read what you wrote 'get' it! Thank you

My brother and SIL who live an hour away have visited my mom 3 times since she went to her AL a year and a half ago. They do have time for two or three vacations a year. They never call but send a card about half the holidays. They remind me they are very busy people. I told them they are no busier than anybody else.

OMG!! I can't imagine not going every day to see my mom! I take snacks and coffee, or a sausage biscuit because this is what she loves....our little ritual! I make sure she is clean and dry, and eats her meals. I gather all her dirty clothes to bring home for wash. I even bring the wash of her room mate. She may say things that make no sense because of her dementia, but we still laugh and joke. Maybe it's something that happened 40 years ago....do I care? No! If it makes her laugh, so be it! I bring my 10 & 7 year old grand sons to visit her. For some reason, she may not know who I am, but is thrilled when they are there. They all just hug and talk. You never know what may trigger a memory. My brother is in another home with advanced Alzheimers. He thinks I'm his daughter. I gently remind him I'm there to pick him up to go visit our mom. Then he says, "I'm ready, let's go."

I am so in agreement with what you've said! I had the honor of caring for my dad until he passed, yet not only had my siblings stopped visiting, (i want to remember him how he was, what's the point he keeps talking about the same thing every 5 min, etc)....I couldn't even get them to call him for the last 4 years! I'd ask them since when was dad's disease about Them?! I will never understand, however personally have no regrets. God bless you.