I am reading this with great interest... having been a caregiver for my elderly father & stepmother for awhile & now in the role of the one with chronic illness,I am seeing the damage being done to my marriage. My husband of 7 years,we married late in life, has always been very supportive,but I got sick 2/1/2 years ago with a progressive disease that has literally knocked me off my feet. He has not handled it well.At first we did okay,we were a team,but over the last 6 months & 6 hospitalizations & a stint for me in physical therapy rehab he has shut down & we seem to argue all the time. I feel that I am losing my marriage & I can't stop it because I am losing my trust in him. I know others go thru this & I am just hoping as I get my strength back we will get our marriage back. I have started blogging on wordpress as an outlet & it has helped me so much just to get out my feelings.

I just wanted to give a hug to freqflyer and all the other strong women on this thread, I so admire your strength and ability to weather the storms you've been through. This article just bums me out, and it shows you when the going gets tough the tough really just get going.

Men, step it up! I know there are some good ones out there; my sweetie is not a good listener but when my mom died he really stepped up to the plate and he has been spending hours a week with my dad ever since. I hope that if I am ever in need he'll show the same devotion.

At the same time though watching my parents--seeing their increasing isolation at the end of my mom's life, knowing that if they'd been less isolated she might still be alive, and knowing how much better my dad's life would be if he weren't so reliant on my sweetie and me--has been a wake up call. So important not just to be around family but to cultivate strong and diverse friendships, some with people who are known good listeners and nurturing types ;) Big hugs to you all!

From what I've seen first hand with people I've known and what I've read, is when the wife got sick with either cancer or dementia, the husband thought it was alright to have other women (on the side). Which I thought was terrible! What happened to, "for better or for worst, in sickness and in health"?
And I've heard it said, "until you've walked a mile in their shoes." Well, I've walked thousands of miles in those very shoes with my own spouse's illness and I couldn't imagine EVER doing something like that to him, no matter what!

Very informative. However, what I have found that contributes to an increase in divorce when the wife is diagnosed with an illness that requires caregiving is the ignorance of the spouse of what alternatives are out there to help them. Thye rely on having to go searching for alternatives and some times they do not even know what they are looking for. There is a significant amount of work to be done in providing advocacy for them that can lead to easing the burden by facilitating them with valuable information as to the resources for caregiving assistance, types of insurance that couples should be thinking about before the crisis arises, an analysis of their benefits to see if assistance can be provided for the sick spouse, etc. That is there needs a broader campaign in the media stressing this point. There are 8,000 people in the US turning 65 every day and the baby boomers represent about 20% of the population. These numbers should be enough of a motivator.

I was hurt at work in May of 2008. My husband and his entire family forced me out of my home in July the same year. I was 45 years old. A stranger saved me from living on the streets and we ended up getting married. We are now having probes because I continue to suffer from that injury today. I am now just walking on egg shells wondering when i will end up on the streets again. I have applied for social security and the time it takes is so cruelly long. I just pray that i can get a solution before I end up breaking through the egg shells.

Leakey, lack of sex can happen at any time, doesn't matter if a person is in a nursing home or not. Certain prescription medicines, such as anti-cancer meds, can stop the libido right in it's tracks, and there is nothing anyone can do about that until that certain illness is eliminated, if at all.

Plus menopause isn't user friendly, either. Yes, there are creams that women can use but now it has been found, and proven, those estrogen creams can cause not only an increase risk of uterus/ovarian/breast cancer, but can increase the risk of DEMENTIA. Yikes, who knew it would spike up the risk of dementia. Sorry, I am not going to take that risk.

Time to learn to cuddle.

No one talks about a lot of issues Leakey. Sex, what is sex! After nearly 10 years of a spouse with Alzheimer's, I wonder if patients remember what sex is. A strange world we live in. Our faith says it's a sin to think or have sex outside marriage, but honestly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if half the congregation is ignoring the church's ruling. I do appreciate your comment. There are so many emotional upheavals for spousal caregivers, I give up trying to live a normal life. It doesn't work, plus who has time to stray or wish a Cinderella's Dream of meeting a prince when 24/7 it's non stop caregiving. My husband will roam throughout the house at night waking me 2-3 times in the wee hours of the morning to ask me, "if I am lost, because he is!" Believe me---there are times I wish I were lost. I drag myself throughout many days wondering if I will make it. Sex is the last thing on my mind!

No one ever taks about the emotional stress from not having sex anymore when spouse ends u in a care home

I tip my hat to you GGsGirl. I admire your bravery and rejoice in your freedom and peace!

I would like to know more information on the divorces - especially which party initiates the split. I had been married 15 years when diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. The relationship was not healthy (emotional abuse, perhaps some mental issues on the part of my husband). He did not take the news well, and contributed to more negativity than hopefulness in dealing with the disease (questions like - how soon will you be crippled? - etc.) I soon realized I did not ever want him to be my caregiver. I was working with the ability to support myself, however, children were involved so the decision was hard. But the illness was the catalyst to do what should have been done years before. I filed for divorce 6 months after my diagnosis and never looked back. Now, 25 years later, I am thankful for the peace in my life resulting from that decision.

I realize I may be an anomaly. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of those who become ill and have their caregiver/spouse desert them in their time of need. I suspect that situation is more common than mine, and offer giant hugs to those who are going through unthinkable trials.

Try being a housewife who also works 40 hours a week and is a caregiver! I'd give anything to be a "real" housewife right about nowm

The following saying comes to mind after reading the above article. ..
"ALL WORK AND NO PAY EQUALS A HOUSEWIFE." shame on the men who do not truely value their spouse....and example of Americans at their best...not.

The article is very accurate and true. When, I look at our 49 year marriage, 9 of those years as a caregiver, I must admit if it were me that had memory loss or cancer, my husband would fly out the door. It's not an accusation; just the way he has always been. However, I do believe every spouse or partner out there, knows this. It's a trait in human beings. Some are loyal and supportive accepting and trying to remedy any major issues that occur and others...well, they either can't or won't. Yes, I have thought of divorce many times. Our marriage has not been built on a solid foundation which causes me to ponder---what will happen to me if I become chronically ill. Compassion, love, acceptance, appreciation in even small doses must be sprinkled on both sides for a commitment to work.

Freqflyer I feel bad for you but when I hear stories like yours it does not surprise me. I've often wondered how my spouse will be if I ever get really sick.
When I get the flu or a cold he always says "Oh your not sick" just so he doesn't have to baby me. Its so much easier to be in denial I guess.

As for men wanting someone to STFU. Well get a blow up doll I say. Spare us!!

Captain, but my sig other would want me to listen to him whenever he talked about prostrate cancer [which he never had], and how much worse that was compared to my breast cancer.

My Son In Law stayed and struggled with my daughter's cancer for five years. She was the one who threw him out, after finding out he had sex with a co-worker. He did not want a divorce. He visited, he brought her birthday gifts and Christmas presents. He loved her dearly another four years, but finally gave her a divorce and alimony guaranteed for ten years. She died six months later.

thats where men and women differ freq . women want someone who will listen while men want someone who will STHU ..

I know how that can be... 5 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and I thought my sig other would be my knight in shining armor, but he was the total opposite.... he was angry at me for getting cancer which probably had stemmed from the fact that he had lost so many love ones, including his late wife, to cancer... was that fair to me?... hell no, and to this day I find it very hard to forgive him for how he acted toward me. You can feel the chill in the air, we've talked many times of going our separate ways but he never starts packing. Now at his age [68] he's afraid to be on his own.

I needed someone to be there emotionally for me, he wasn't, I was competing with non-stop sports when he was home from work... someone to listen to when I talked, he wasn't listening... and I needed hugs which weren't there. Oh well, since women are usually the caregiver, I had to care for myself :P

I am hoping the younger generation is more on equal ground when it comes to situations like this, where the husband without question will lend a hand without being asked.