I used to really enjoy life, especially all the little things... Now, after being beaten down after 14 years of 'catering/caregiving' for my mother by my mother/2 brother's (with no support, and actually mostly degradation), I don't like myself and 'see' life much more 'dark' now... I found myself living for her to always try to win approval, which i know will never happen... The whole caregiving thing has been so hurtful to me to the point of deep depression... not to mention how I gave the best years and opportunities of my life up that were never appreciate.

At this point, I have to accept that there is nothing easy about caregiving, that it has damaged me, but that Mom needs me, and try to find some grace in caring for her at this stage of her life. She has been good to me and to my daughter, and she deserves all I can give. I just hope it will be enough.

Thank you Carol and all here. I know I am not alone. other feel as I do. Mom is still home with me. I am not on blood pressure medicine. I am going to write up a journal like booklet so the doctor can see what I am living through as he will need to see where our issues lie. MediCal has been a big issue, but hopefully that can get resolved soon. Other than that. Her behavior is same but also a little bit improved but there are other issues that looks like she is starting a slight decline. Anyway she has a doctor appointment coming up so I will hand the nurse assistant the journal so I can have some say from a caregivers standpoint, as Mom is well, so mistrusting of even me. Thanks for the slight boost of my morale I am finding comfort in your essays or guidance works, and comfort in other who go through what I go through.

@ Hell2GetOld
OMG.... yours sounds a lot like my situation, too! Or mine like yours! ONLY, my mom would have been glad for me to give up living in my town and moving back in with her and giving up my job and life to be her companion 24/7.
But instead, I brought her in to my home, and after working all day, I surely do not want to cook, so ours is a combination of take out, delivery, frozen food, or sometimes going out to dinner. But if I am working late on my computer in my home office (most nights), she will not sit in the living room and eat, only if I am there. And the song you plan to sing is a great one; I think that's the one that one of my daughters will sing at MY demise..... all I know is that I want to wear a black hat and full black veil, because I will be smiling with relief when the day comes. But what do we do with the many other years between now and then ?!!!

@CaptCooke
I so understand what you are going through. Similar ages with you and your mom. Only I WAS "the Golden Child", still am.... it sucks and believe me, she never encouraged me or showed approval... to this day, there is always that disappointed look... that "tsk ... tsk" kind of look. I am a couple of years behind you, and my mom is into her 90's, and like you... I just know she will keep on going just to spite me, so she can win.... she even said to me a couple of weeks ago... "well I guess you should have had another mother!" and all the while I was thinking back to comments she said to me a long time ago.... no, SHE should never have had children and never been a mother, but in that way, I am like my dad was and hate arguing, I'd rather walk away. I think she is still the spiteful bratty person she was when she was a child... and this is even without dementia. This is just nasty, spiteful narcissistic behavior.

It´s interesting and offers sound advice!

Thank you. I always think of others and take care of them. It is ok to take good care of me!

Captcooke, I was so happy to read your comment as I'm in a similar situation. I guess the saying "misery has company" is true. I lived out of state for 30 years and quit my job and gave up my pets to move to my home town to be close to my parents and lend a hand. My mother was the one we expected to pass but one month after I found an affordable apartment my dad died. Mom is much more needy and while I can visit my apartment I pretty much have to live with her to attend to her needs and sleep at her house because she's scared to be alone. Nothing I do pleases her. I don't like to cook and she wants "proper" meals set in front of her. I feel like a child when I'm around her because that's how she treats me. My health is suffering trying to care for her and I always put myself on the back burner taking care of her needs first. I feel guilty because I don't care for her with a joyful heart and can't wait until she dies. I told my pastor when she finally goes I'm going to stand up at the funeral and sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" at the top of my lungs. I do receive support from a caregivers group at church. It helps to know others have and are going through the same thing. Not a lot of suggestions here but thanks to the forum for letting me vent. God bless all you caregivers. I have one sibling who can't/won't help and just wants her half of the inheritance. I continue to try and "lay up your treasures in heaven" but in reality, it's hard.

Great article. My doc told us at a first visit that we had a 75% chance of divorce. With a good, hearty marriage, it has been tested sorely. But divorce is NOT an option. Studies are all overwhelming in saying that the couple who is surrounded by acceptance, love, support (when needed), and just good old simple praise - (none of these take much time as it can be fit into a busy schedule) are all much happier and content. Looking at it from personal feelings, there are two times when we are doing well and feeling content and have a great bond: 1. When we do for others as much as our limits allow. 2. When we are shown as if we matter still, even with limits attached. It goes both ways and that always works in any situation. Children and grandchildren bring such joy that is almost better than a pill! It's easy to put people like this on the back burner unintentually. I was raised to remember, so guilt comes... but I've also learned there are telephones and writing. If the TBI is acting up, writing and waiting a day can help, and makes me feel I can do something. It's hard, very hard at times, but set limits of what is not allowed (divorce) causes one to come up with solutions faster.

This is a timely article for me. I seem to always be knocking myself out to make my Mom happier and her life easier. Even now that she is in a nursing home I feel like I'm always searching for ways to make it easier for her.

It suddenly dawned on me recently that I'm not responsible for her happiness. I can only do what I can do. The rest is up to her and God.

Since I grew up with a mother who was not only hypercritical of me, always showed her disapproval of me and acted like whatever I said or did embarrassed her, I've never had a high opinion of myself. She always got along with my older brother, but she and I were always at odds with each other. Even now, she never misses an opportunity to let me know what a horrible child I was growing up, compared to my brother, who was "the Golden Child", in her words. She never showed any confidence in encouragement in me, and now, I'm her 24/7 caregiver. I'm trapped in an untenable situation, with no help or support from "the Golden Child". I'm 65 now, my mother is 88 and has a bad heart, among other things, but she's going to live to be 150 just to torture me! Since I'm losing my vision and can no longer drive, I don't have the opportunity to get the professional help I need, so I depend on this website as an "out". Just knowing I'm not the only one in the world that's a caregiver to someone who is impossible to live with most of the time is a help to me. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Great article. I too have felt that it's easier to love others and do for them before myself. I always come last. When I was caring for my mom and my own family, I took care of them first thinking that I would have some time for myself. Then I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Even then, I cared for mom and my family in between treatments and doctor visits. It is so hard to undo a certain pattern or way of doing things. I'm getting better at taking care of myself, but still tend to care for other's needs first. I'm going to post this list of "dos and don'ts" on my fridge to look at each day. Maybe after a while this will come more naturally - "maybe". Thanks for the article.

Thank you so much Carol... This 'validation' is so needed and necessary for us!

Yes great advice. I feel like I'm always feeling inadequate about moms care because other people say well do this or do that. I know her, I give her good care. I don't do arts & crafts & I'm a huge loner so I don't sit with her. Wait. Here I go explaining myself. I'm who I am & she's who she is. We do well & thanks for the advice.

Good advice, glad that i read this. Thank you