Just because someone’s old doesn’t make them stupid. All you need is a caring tone of voice but at all times they should be treated like the adults they are. ‘Let’s go potty’! why would anyone say that to another adult if they had their faculties. Everyone ages differently some people need more assistance than others. I always speak to adults the same way, weather it’s in my office or at my dads care home.

I have never in almost 25 years of service ever used "Elderspeak". With me every client is addresed as Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms unless I've been with them long enough that everyone is comfortable being on a first-name basis.
The only time "Elderspeak" is appropriate would be when someone is regressed so far with dementia that they have basically become a toddler again. That's when "sweetie" "honey" and "chief" are okay. Not any other time.
Everyone deserves respect from their doctors, nurses, caregivers, etc...

What I didn’t like was when the caregiver kept calling my mother with dementia “mom” when I wasn’t allowed to see her.
Did my mother mistake her for me?

I do agree that using terms of endearment such as honey, are sometimes cultural, and not meant to demean. I was not offended when a hospital CNA ( usually an African American) called me honey. I was, however offended at 2 white 20 something nurses giggling to each other how "cute" they thought it was that old ladies wore panties with lace on them.

However, as I have aged, I have felt I have to fight to not be dismissed, ignored and degraded by salespeople, medical personnel, neighbors, etc. , however well meaning they are. Old people are still people!

I'm 91, still living independently, managing my affairs, and yes, driving carefully.
I nursed my dear husband by myself through his last years of Alzheimers, until he died at 91 in 2021. And yes, I used many terms of endearment with him, to tr to reassure him and make him feel loved and safe.

Once he died, everyone seemed to assume I was suddenly incompetent to manage my house, my business affairs, etc., although I had been doing it for most of our 67 years of married life. I sometimes feel like I'm fighting to maintain my own identity and sense of competence. Well meaning friends and neighbors called to remind me to change my AC filters, or to file my taxes, or to put out my trash etc. Yes, I do sometimes need help since I have no family in my city since I lost my wonderful son 2 weeks after my husband died. I have wonderful neighbors, and friends, and I do appreciate their help and concern, but I didn't suddenly become incompetent at the deaths of my husband and son.
I hope people will try to not be condescending to people as they age.
We have enough problems to deal with, without having to fight for our dignity.

Absolutely !

i was an “attractive” older woman when i went to get my car fixed. But i knew i was considerably older than the young ex-marine clerk who kept calling me “young lady”.

at the counter i looked him directly in the eyes and said “ma’m works !”

my husband takes the car in now.

I'm seeing this issue discussed more and more and I am so glad. It can be hard to get out of hurtful patterns, especially like Elderspeak that doesn't seem hurtful on the surface.

Interesting article. Down here in the south everyone uses those terms. As someone who works in the field, the patients usually call me honey (despite being a professional with a masters degree). I think most of my patients would call me honey even if I was an astrophysicist. It's more a term of endearment. Even our DON doesn't use any word but that so it's good to hear an outside perspective.

One thing that I see a lot of on this forum is baby talk when referring to toileting issues. Taking an elder on a "potty break" and stepping into their "magic panties". God forbid you should call them diapers. Drives me nuts! Just state the facts and get the job done..."Mom, we need to go to the bathroom and check to see if you need to be changed". She's over 90, not 2.

Talking down to anyone at any age is snobbery. It doesn't matter where it happens. It's happened to me and I'm nowhere close to old. It happened when I moved from the south to midwestern America. People heard my accent and assumed I was as dumb as a rock. They would speak down to me. I had to tell someone once that I had a college degree thank you, and I'm not stupid. Please stop speaking to me as if I'm incompetent.

My 77 year old mother with dementia LOVES being called pet names. It's about the only way you're going to get her to cooperate, if you're lucky. If you don't call her a pet name, you're probably not going to get very far with her.

My Mom had hearing deficits, even with her hearing aids. Conversations were mostly one-way; sometimes she'd understand me, sometimes not. If I had something specific she needed to 'hear', we preserved everyone's dignity and sanity, by using a hand-held, dry erase board.

Good article! My MIL is in assisted living and the staff call her by her first name. She, however, addresses everyone as "honey", no doubt because she has dementia and can't remember names. I agree with Beecee that it is difficult to speak to someone who refuses to wear her hearing aids, as my MIL does, and not sound artificial and condescending. We must speak loudly and slowly and exaggerate the words, and sometimes repeat the same word over and over. She tells us that she's "not deaf--it's just that everybody mumbles". Conversations are very difficult unless we're in a quiet room and it's one-on-one conversation.

In March I had a knee replacement and everyone in the dr/nurse/hospital/therapy scenario called me Mrs. __ . Nary a "hon" or "sweetie" was heard. I work in customer service and wear a name tag, and on the rare occasion that I am addressed as "hon" or "honey"--usually by a middle aged professional type--at the end of the transaction I reply, "thank you, sweetheart". Hehehe. (Of course, I do have to evaluate the situation beforehand, to determine if it is a cultural thing)

I once had an employee who called customers "sweetie" or something of the sort--she explained occasionally that she was terrible and remembering names, and didn't want to get a name wrong. She always said it very matter-of-factly and not condescending. My MIL was in a care facility briefly and one of the things that she totally hated was being called by her first name. In her home country, an adult's first name was very rarely used; the appropriate familiar name was the equivalant of "mother of .... (oldest son)". She was OK with "Mrs..." . The best way to see what someone is comfortable with might be to start with "Mrs.." or "Miss.." and let them say, "Oh, call me .....".

I like endearments. :)

Great article!!!!

It's hard to sort out "elder speak" when hearing deficits are also an issue. It takes a lot of practice to learn how to speak slowly and loudly without sounding artificial or condescending. Sometimes I feel resentful that my Mom won't wear her hearing aids because it's so hard to have a conversation with her, and I'm sure that comes through too. We are all human beings and just trying to do the best we can...I try my best to be compassionate and speak the way that I would like to be spoken to. Some days are easier than others! The staff at my mom's retirement center are overworked and underpaid and I think they take shortcuts sometimes to keep up with their workload, including using elder speak with the incorrect notion that it will speed up the process. More training would help I think.

honestly I don't think those words are "negative" as indicated in the article, why would someone think "hon" "sweetie" are negative words........wow. I have friends who call me that or in fact everyone, its just there way. Maybe what these "studies" should say is " maybe the nurses,whomever are taking care of someone should specifically ask" do you mind if I call you "hon" or another endearing name?, if they don't care, don't worry about it. Did these people do a study on the patients and ask them or did they just determine it was a "negative' (whatever) wording.

I like the conversation - not easy to put one's finger on when and where it works, but I like having the conversation about real life as we see it, for it does vary. I'm a caregiver, and I usually find ways to care for the same elder over a long period of time (several years) and in that case, I find that I do call some "sweetie" at moments maybe where I see them struggle. I'm not usually an outgoing person, and so when I've wanted to show warmth, and when I've felt sad with elders decline in ways that I've seen, I've used terms of endearment, often with a hug.

There's something different however, when some carers use it, like in nursing homes or institutions - those people often don't see many strengths in the elders they care for - too many tasks to be done for too many people, and it's easy to put one onto a list of chores to finish. Many people used to talk down to my disabled brother - when they did not know his actual level of talents. Kind of like talking louder when you are talking with a blind person - they don't need increased volume but more observation and questions about how they get to next steps.

I don't mind if older people call me 'hon'. I don't like 'sweetie' because they're not my sweetie. Nor am I their sweetie. Fave sis once called me sweetie, and we both cringed when she did that. Last time she called me that. I use sweetie with my little 'grand' niece. I was recently called 'hon' by a younger woman who was a cashier. I was surprised that I did Not Like a younger woman than me - to call me 'hon.' I realized at that time that I don't mind if Older men or women called me 'hon' but not younger women. Hmmm... after reading some of your comments, I guess subconsciously, I didn't want to be considered 'old'.

One also has to remember that certain *terms of endearment* change depending on where one lives. What might be acceptable and common in one area, is offensive in the another area.

My boss calls me *hon* and *dear* which took me a bit of getting use to, but he's of an older generation and that was common in his day. I am to a point now that I don't mind it at all.

I knew I was a senior when a young sales clerk called me Ma'am instead of Miss or Mrs.

Yah, Heart2Heart, I know what you mean about those endless put-downs that a mother makes to make herself appear better somehow: which she always does especially when we are with people who are brand new acquaintances or if we are in a public place and she wants attention or feels insecure. I HATE that. It's such a no win: if I get defensive, that makes it all worse. If I don't say anything, I look like a moron.
Last week when her new friend was sitting on the couch and turned to me instead of her, I answered some questions and responded to the lady. My mother said loudly, "My daughter has such a big mouth." or something like that. I was wearing a scarf around my neck. I lifted it up from my neck and put it in my teeth and laughed like I was gagging myself for her.

Next time I got to remember this one: "It's a small person indeed who feels they must cut off the heads of those around them to feel taller."

I'm 62 and already some people in the community use elderspeak to me. I've been called sweetie a good bit. I don't mind. I kind of find it endearing, since I've always been a rough, independent type. It is mainly cashiers nearing middle age that do it. Everyone who has called me sweetie has been African American, so there may be something cultural. It is meant well and received well. No problem. The first time it happened I remember getting on Facebook and writing that I knew I was getting old. Someone had called me sweetie. :)

People call my mother sweetie and honey all the time. She seems to like the endearing terms. I imagine that there are some people that it would bother, but we're not two of them. Personally, however, I know that older people are the same inside as they once were unless there is dementia. I talk to elders the same as I would talk to a middle-aged person. I do find it degrading when people address elders like they were children. It is more in the content of what they are saying and not really to do with terms of endearment. Doctors can be very guilty of this, saying things like, "Now, you know you ought to be doing this or that." It sounds like they are talking to a child.

I understand and practice 'elderspeak' with my mother so I don't make her feel singled out... However, many times (to make herself feel 'good') she'll speak sarcastically to me or belittle me by making comments about the clothes I'm wearing or some decision I'm making. Lately, she called me "goody-two-shoes"... because I tried to point out her bad manners about talking over everything (whenever she wants... rarely listens or cares what anyone else has to say)... so, it can go both ways, especially in caregiving (believe me, I've done more than enough to make her 'fit' in... She trys to 'direct' everything in my life... calls my friends... takes charge... control). Extremely difficult so say the least when you have their best interest at heart and you're the only one taking care of them.