Hi all. I was a full time caregiver for 3 years to my parents and though I was never alone, it was a very personal “ journey” of deep refeflection which made me realize what being lonely really was. I attended workshops and support groups so I knew I was not alone, yet I felt I was. Anyway, I started going to thrift stores for a place to “ socialize” and to hunt for a treasure amongst the discards of society in an attempt to “ find the good in a pile of junk” which is what my life was feeling like. I’d buy a unique or fun thing and then get home and enjoy it for a bit. In an effort to not become a hoarder or break my budget, and realizing that buying a thing a day adds clutter quickly, I came up with a solution to still enjoy my socialization, not break the bank and force myself to think and problem solve daily. ( I’m unable to work or commit to a volunteer schedule due to my own health issues) Anyway, since it’s difficult for me to attend social functions or anything else unless it’s spur of the moment, here’s one way I’ve combatted loneliness. I post my thrift finds online for basically what I paid ( that way it’s most likely to sell) and have people come to me at my convenience. This acts like “ companionship” caregiving but costs me a whole heck of a lot less and doesn’t require any weekly minimums. I’ve met some really interesting people and discovered that it really helps with the feeling of isolation when you’re mostly homebound. For safety sake, I always meet outside and always get phone numbers and have several messages going back and forth before I give out my address. Ideally it’s best to meet in a public place but when you’re a home caregiver and you used your respite to go out to the thrift store, you gotta get creative. It always gave my parents the sense they had friends because people would often be coming by. They both had dementia and couldn’t remember who was who so it didn’t matter that the folks coming by were all different people. Stuff that didn’t sell, would then get donated, so the clutter thing never happened. My parents have both passed, but my illness hasn’t and apparently is my new normal. So the game plan I used to use to keep me socially stimulated when I was a caretaker is now what I use for my own well being. It’s a win-win for me, the charity I buy from, the people I meet, and for the next charity any left overs go to. The analogies are to “find the good amongst the crap life dishes out”= thrift store shopping and “ the circle of life” = buying, enjoying, letting go-giving and then someone else buys it, enjoys it .... etc”. I hope my diatribe helped someone out there to see that there are ways to do work arounds when things are or seem hopeless. Been there, done that, and continue to travel that path still once in awhile. As Thanksgiving approaches and others will be gathering with family and friends, I know I’ll be most likely be physically alone. It will just be for one day though and then it’s back to taking care of me with my game plan that helps get me through each day with a goal and a purpose. BTW, I do also have a senior dog who is hard of hearing and visually impaired but she doesn’t have a care in the world and loves life. I’m still trying to learn from her!!!

What if you don't have any friends? It's easy to give tips to relieve loneliness but most are rarely practical. I have zero friends and the one or two people I do know are too busy doing their own thing than be with me. My one and only best friend died and now I literally have no one to be with. It's a nightmare trying to make new friends. It's like a job.

NJ how about a cat? They are really low maintenance and the rewards are endless. And if your like me you'll find the are like potato chips, you can't just have one😋

Phoenix03... I understand... Count your Blessings she's not living with you an keep balancing your life to the best of you abilities. It's all difficult for a lot of us no matter what... Just know you're doing the best you can... You"re a loving , special person (guilt gets the best of us in these situations)... Blessings that things will change for the better.

My mother has more companionship and entertainment at her new community than I have! But she won't go to most of their activities. They have parties regularly, with catered food and she'll go to them, but complain it's not the food that she likes or they serve it at a time of day when she's not hungry. She's in her 80s and insisted on moving to a 55+ community, where most of the people are a lot younger and more independent than she is, and have lives outside the community. She complains the place is too quiet and people aren't around enough for her. She's bored and not enough for her to do. I feel like she expects me to be her entertainment director, on top of everything else I do for her. She won't use the community minibus to go shopping or the free bus the library has for seniors. She wanted me to take her to the free movies at the library and sit there with her. (I didn't.) Her community has free movies, she won't go to them. She expects me to find events in the area outside her community (preferably free) and take her to them. Or she'll come up with things she saw in the newspaper. When she comes up with yet another thing she wants me to take her to, I feel like crying. She'll stare at me, waiting for a response like "well??" I think, is she kidding?

Katie I am right with your Mom about the rat although I am told they are very friendly and make lovely pets this from my daughter who is veterinarian!
If you wanted something caged how about a small caged small animal. dwarf bunnies or guinea pigs make lovely pets in and out of the cage. Rabbits can even be litter box tained. personally I will keep my kitty.

It seems that some friends who do not know what caregivers go through just cannot relate to us. You hear about their parties and travels and when they do refer to anything you did it is always in the past..such as "I gave you this calendar because you LIKED to travel". This always makes me feel like my life is over, but then I turn and focus on what I have to do, realize this is more important now, and use the one day at a time method.
As for getting a rat as a pet...I guess to each his own, that won't happen here! My 92 year old bed ridden Mom said she would jump out of the bed and run away if I brought a rat into this house!! We laughed a lot about this, and laughter is badly needed here. I also wish everyone a New Year filled with much strength!

I so much enjoyed the article and the follow up posts.....had a terribly lonely day today, missing old friends, having difficulties connecting....what luck to find this article and reflect on what I do have, loving husband and mother both with serious illnesses but still capable of caring...where would I be without them, in spite of the stress of caregiving? I'm going to take some of the suggestions given, thanks so much to all. I feel very fortunate to have found this site, I visit it everyday and get such strength from not feeling so alone with my life.

The best way to cure your loneliness, is to relieve someone else's.

NJcinderella... Don't give up and only think this is only happening to you. This is a different world (a lot because the last 3 generations growning up with their minds in their PC,s). Also, I've experienced what you have... Many of my married friends have no clue what a single person feels like... I had this conversation with them recently because they went on a Vicking cruise and told me I could go (even though I am single... By myself)... After conversing they agreed that 97% of the people on board were couples and that a single person would also have to pay the same as two people to go on this trip). Case in point most people are on there own these days... Look at how many people would (really) step up to the plate to caregive. With saying this I've learned to make my own happiness and ignor or try to shake it off as soon as possible. You're extremely lucky to have children also... Some people don't and are completely alone. So keep going... There's some great books/audio on living in the now... With a new year starting tomorrow I wish you a wonderful new, happy New Year! Live the moment and be happy!... Big Hug!!!

These are the lyrics to a song I wrote in 1990 to express my own personal anguish. Now I can add a quarter century of additional loneliness on top of it...

CAN LONELINESS KILL A MAN?

© 1990 Matt Thomas

Another day
Passed me by
Now I’m lyin’ here thinkin’
With tears in my eyes
Of the joys I’ve been missin’
In my life for so long

A gentle smile
Tender touch
Little things that I’ve wanted
And needed so much
I pray every day for what most take for granted
And wonder where I’ve gone wrong

Can loneliness kill a man?
We’ll just wait and see
‘Cause this empty feelin’
Is takin’ the life outta me
And I just can’t understand
Why love seems so vain
I look for the sunshine
But find nothin’ but rain

Now the Good Lord has said
It’s not good
That the man should be alone
Wish He would
Send someone I could care for
And could always have for my own

For as I grow older
Life grows colder
Dear God all I need is a shoulder to cry on
Someone to rely on
But I can’t wait no longer
My hope is already gone

So where will I go from here?
I’m so lost I can’t tell
Heaven is all around
Yet I’m goin’ through hell
What good is a loving heart
When it’s beating alone
Or a soul that is withered
And chilled to the bone?

Can loneliness kill a man?
I’m dying proof it can

Don't know...I've reached out many times on social media platforms announcing that I would be alone on a certain holiday and all I got were virtual hugs or "oh nos" in response but no invitations lol I finally figured out that most people at this age are acquaintances busy with their own families and friends and that true friends are hard to get anymore. As for a pet, as much as I'd love one, I don't relish walking it at 10pm in the rain, snow, heatwaves etc, not to mention the extra cost of food, vet visits and add-on monthly extra expense billed by landlord to have a pet.Like mimigee, I probably will work until long after retirement because it puts me in contact with people and keeps my brain challenged. For how long, I don't know but will aim for 70. Then, maybe I can afford to retire lol No easy pat answers. I did join an interest group and they are very social so I've gone to a few of their functions. Still, the friendships there seem to be function-only related and afterwards everyone goes their separate ways and on some levels it makes me feel even more lonely. My phone rarely rings, my kids text from out of state and we Facetime too on occasion. I dread retirement....I may never leave the house lol and worse, no one will notice.

Mimigee Good for you, you are your own person.

I think there are a lot of things that can kill. Life is short, so I think just take one day at a time and do the best you can. (there are a lot of divorces and bad marriages out there that kill also). It's a very debatable subject.

Good article. I never married and always lived at home. My mother died at the age of 97 2 years ago. I am home alone for the first time in my life. But I love going to work. I don't think I will ever retire, not if I can help it. And there is always the phone and I occasionally go out with friends, in addition to pursuing my solitary activities, like my art. Sometimes it feels lonely but it ddoesn't last.

Wonderful insightful article. Thank you for your generosity in as i am sure it is helping many people, myself included. kindest regards!

Rats are also very smart.

Rats are very friendly but alot of work. You have to clean their cage and give them alot of attension. With everything else going on it is not a good choice. Mainly it would be unfair to the rat. I have seen rats as pets and they become very attached to their owners. Really very interesting.

I think this is absolutely great ideas. I plan to use these ideas soon.

Yes, an excellent article, but PLEASE lets start paying attention to the lonely caregivers that are so busy trying to keep their parents active and engaged, that they have no social life. My husband and I spend most of our time (we are retired) running my father to the doctor, shopping, etc. Most of our dinners out are with him. He has a dog, but guess who takes him to the vet and who has to remind him to not feed Ensure and countless treats to the dog? We are lonely and feel we are becoming 'old' before our time as so much of our time is spent taking care of my dad. We have suggested that he move to a retirement center, but he absolutely refuses. Being a caregiver is very interesting.

Hi John, I pick and choose the articles to read and the heading caught my attention as both my mum and father-in-law have recently lost a loved one. I do keep in contact regularly so hopefully this helps but I also went through my phone book and got in touch with a few other people I haven't seen or heard from lately, just to say hello. You were right, a couple of them were feeling fed up so I'm glad I rang. Thanks...

We have this situation with a family member and it is a real concern. Invitations every weekend but most refused. Never uses her vacation and just not interested in doing anything but her job. Her high level job allows her to work at home 99% per of the time which means she seldom leaves home. If her pets didn't need to go out; I am sure she would never get outside. There are just so many things she could be doing to enrich her life but listening to anything we say is really not an option; just an opportunity for her tears and poor me speech. A very unhealthy choice of lifestyle. We can talk until we are blue in the face but this is a choice she made a long time ago. Sad, sad, sad.

Excellent! Sometimes it is hard to take that first step and maybe you have to go back a second or third time before you make a positive connection. Just keep at it. Smile and say hello. Thank the folks who take the time to call. I have a dear friend who I see every Sunday at church, but she takes the time to call me once or twice and month and tells me she is praying for me. I make sure I tell her how much I appreciate that and how good it makes me feel.

I think many people today are just feeling lonely yet instead of helping them to combat this many doctors will just dish out pills and leave them on their own! What good is that ?If you are feeling lonely do not visit a doctor!! Go to your community centre or join a club of some sort and as said above a pet can be of great comfort . Just remember too that you are not on your own There are lots of other lonely people in the world . God bless all the lonely people

Excellent article, I remember going through extreme bouts of loneliness during my 9 years between husbands and even trying to drown my sorrows at times, very unhealthy. With my dear sweet husband going into care in early July, I was afraid of that deep loneliness returning and althoughI did go through the dreaded feeling of loss, the loneliness really didn't materialize, I took myself on a road trip and did some of the things I always wanted to do, visited some family and friends alone the way but also had quite a bit of alone time, with my 10 year old canine companion and when I returned I googled the municipal rec centre to find out what was available and of interest to me and joined a physical sport, Pickle ball, so much fun and great exercise and a course for i-pad and tablet users, also made some long range plans for some travel. This has been great and gets me out and meeting new and interesting people, I am enjoying my alone time at home being able to de clutter and re organize my home. I do see my husband usually 3 times a week and have taken him out a few times but don't feel guilty for making the time now for me. So everything said in this article is so very necessary to be positive and keep a healthy mind and body….Thank you for the post, great timing….

Excellent article. My husband and I live with my mother in S. California, and we are in the process of putting the house down here up for sale and moving up to the Pacific NW, where the rest of our family lives. All of us suffer, to one degree or another, from social isolation, due to Mom not being able to get out as much as she would like. Up there, we will have family support, and people can come see us. We can entertain family, we will have people around in case of emergency (no one down here) and my husband and I will be able to get out by ourselves once in awhile. The weather will be yucky in the winter, but it's too hot in the summer down here. Still 106 today - can't do anything outside. Tradeoffs. Looking forward to socializing and holidays with family.

John Schappi, thank you for the interesting article.

I know my parents feel lonely and I know they are bored. It's like they are hinting for me to retire from my career. I am not a cruise director... I would be falling asleep on their sofa at the same time they do :P

So many times I had suggested my parents to move to a retirement community where they would be around people of their generation, and where the community has a lot of interesting things to do... my parents could easily afford to do this, but they won't.... [sigh]. Thus, I had to keep telling myself that it is their choice not to move, thus they will continue to be lonely/bored. It's not like I don't see my parents, usually to pick up their grocery list and deliver their groceries... driving them to the doctors.... driving them to the barber/salon... taking their car to get it Inspected, etc. But all those things are *errands*, no real quality time :(

definitely no snakes........neighbor has retriever but I don't think they would come over. my mother is not in nursing home, only father. we will work things out, I guess I am just overwhelmed today. thanks

Wolflover How about a nice snake?
Seriously do you have friends or even neighbors with dogs that could visit? A big old lab would really cheer her up and she would so enjoy those visits. No clean up for you either and you might even enjoy the dog too. Pet therapy in Nursing Homes is really catching on these days. People even take miniature horses in (in diapers)

rats!!!!!!... you have to be kidding!!!!!!!!!!!