Excelent~

I grew up with a Mommy that was busy with her friends everyday. She would not stay home after Daddy went to work. She was not very helpful in teaching me stuff or telling me about life. Her mother my Grandmother was all that but she passed on when I was 15. I married at 16. But after my Daddy passed on to Glory, I tried to help her in everyway. I was a Daddy's girl. I have learned to deal with her and understand her. She helped raise our children when we were working. She was wonderful with them and they love her very much! Now she is slipping away but she is my good friend. I love her very much!

Dear Frustrated2, I am so glad you are in a better place now although the road you have traveled has been extremely difficult. I have a friend who lived in NYC for 15 years and after her husband's retirement, moved back to her hometown to be closer to her family (3 brothers/sister-in-laws and her mother). She was the only daughter and after her father died, her mother "turned" on her. She started demanding constant attention, had no friends, called her in the middle of the night to take her to the Emergency Room because "she can't breathe, she has a pain, her leg hurt, etc. etc. Her mother NEVER called on the sons and THEIR wives, only her daughter (who had two children - one with special needs). The vitriol that spewed from her was unbelievable (I think her deceased father was a buffer before he died).

Nothing my friend did could please her mother. Then she started accusing her for stealing things in her house. The mother would misplace something, then accuse her daughter of stealing it. She does NOT have dementia or Alzheimer's. She has a huge NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) and my friend confronted her and drew boundaries. The mother threatened the usual, "cut you out of the will" but ultimately my friend couldn't take it anymore. The woman is now spending her final years in a nursing home with no visits from ANY of her children. The sons left the "caregiving" up to their sister (my friend) and never, ever helped out!

My friend has totally severed her relationship with her mother and has no regrets. It's sad but, unfortunately, necessary for my friend to have peace. She once sent a Mother's Day card to her mother and the woman refused it and sent it back. There will be no reconciliation, no forgiveness, no putting the past behind them, no talks. Again, sad but she realizes it "is what it is" and has moved on.

God bless you and may you find peace and happiness with your son, daughter-in-law and little grandchild. It would be nice to "break the cycle" and move closer to your son and his family. They sound like they would welcome you (and your husband) with open arms and your grandchild would have a wonderful relationship with his grandparents. Someday, I hope your daughter will get some needed counseling/therapy to work through her anger. You didn't mention your other (3rd) child. I hope that relationship works.

My children (now 30, 28 and 25 yrs old) grew up with loving grandparents (my husband's) and they were extremely close. My in-laws are 88 (MIL) and 82 (FIL) and to this day, they have a loving and very close relationship. It is very gratifying to me. My parents were just not "lovey dovey" and they had a hard time expressing their feelings and love. It's just how they were. My father is gone now and my Mom is 85 this month. I have to gently "remind" my kids to visit their grandmother (my Mom) while they readily visit my in-laws (my parents and my husband's parents live only 2 streets away from each other) with no prodding whatsoever. I feel bad that my kids don't have the same close relationship with my Mom as they do with my in-laws, but again, it "is what it is."

Peace to you.

MikeGood, I have to say, I have been on hormones and it is NO EXCUSE for that kind of bad behavior.

I can so relate to this. I think my mom was on hormones after her hysterectomy 45 years ago. This may have contributed to her mood swings. To this day, I still have trouble forgiving her for many things.

Well written observations. I have a 'mother' unlike most of my friends' mothers. They cannot even relate to what it's been like with her. My husband and I got married twelve years ago and at the time we began seeing each other, I was not in contact with either of my parents. They were enraged because my brother had confided in my about his very complicated divorce plans and had sworn me to secrecy. The information was not mine to share. He wanted to get through it completely before telling either of them - because they are not supportive in any way usually, being self centered - and he is the type of 'avoid'. Anyway, when they found out later (he told them!) that I had known, they were made enough at me to say they were going to write me out of their will (this is the second time by then!) for such a heinous infraction. They simply believe they are the center of the universe. Both are NPD but my mother is particularly nasty to me. I am the classic scapegoat and we have always had what I now see as a very competitive relationship, not a normal mother-daughter-where-she-does-the-nurturing kind. I was very close to my paternal grandmother, who lived very nearby and she really was my role model 'mother' person. My mother saw that bond early on, I think, and was so jealous of it that when I had my first daughter (I am also the oldest daughter and first of five kids) she really did set out to alienate my daughter from me, in revenge for my closeness to my grandmother. No one would really believe all of this unless they lived something like it. My husband, thinking when we began dating, that it was not right to not speak to your parents urged me to rekindle a relationship. I tried - again - for him. I was in my heart before that sure I was ready to be done, but he convinced me and I thought that I had perhaps missed something. All these years later, he (a very dutiful and loving son to his now deceased mother with whom he had typical struggles growing up, etc) says that my mother is by far the worst person he has ever met. He says she is evil! She is.
So! Where we are today - I again had no contact with my parents. I tried for years - again - and even my dad would say to my mother that there is no way to move forward if we can't put 'the past behind us'. What my dad won't acknowledge is that he married a woman incapable of really being loving. And her focus of disgust and anger is me; it is easier for her to look herself in the mirror if she can justify that it must be MY fault because she can tell herself she gets along fine with everyone else. She doesn't. And she is calculated about where and how she expresses her vitriol so there is 'plausible deniability' on her part. My only saving grace is my faith. I believe you have to do the 'right' thing whether it's easy or not. Boundaries to my mother are unacceptable. NOBODY tells her how it's going to be. There is huge punishment for it that will not abate unless she can break you. And she cannot break me, so I am done. If she needed care in a nursing home, or otherwise, I would see that she got it. I would make sure she was clean and dressed and no one was taking advantage of her. I also would rarely visit her. I have 'forgiven' her for myself, not for her. She doesn't want to think she needs any forgiveness. After all it is my fault, all my fault.
My own daughter has many of her traits. So did her father, from whom I am divorced. It is not uncommon that with this primary relationship (with one's mother) being verbally and emotionally abusive, when marrying especially when you are young (I was 21 but dated him for four years before) that a person will recreate that bad relationship in an attempt to 'fix' it. Divorce then has it's own set of awful consequences, especially from a person who was abusive during the marriage. They certainly are not going to become less demanding and nasty when it is no longer all about them and you are no longer a doormat! It is what my counselor years ago called 'sins of the father', as in the Bible. We recreate these patterns for generations IF we don't 'get it'. Well, I got it, but not before I had three kids. My daughter would seize on everything being my fault too - it's what she heard from her dad and my mother all her life and I loved her so much, I apologized repeatedly for putting her through the divorce. It is a complicated and sad mess.
I do have one grown child, a son, who get it. He too has found peace, waited till his 30's to marry and married a girl who he share faith with, who is loving yet firm and honest about her feelings and boundaries, and with whom I share wonderful times. They have a sweet new baby so we can truly enjoy the pleasures of grandparenthood in a very normal way. I am married now to the love of my life.
My son and his wife want us to eventually move closer (we live out of town). They have expressed not only do they want to see us more and have us able to see our grandchild more, but also want to look out for us when we are older. It is what family does. My husband and I have made plans as thoroughly as possible for our care and finances so we won't be a burden. I have the huge blessing of being married to a man who loved and respected his mother and also the huge blessing of having such a son. We cannot re do the past but thank God my one child has chosen to truly grow up and not stay stuck in blaming or thinking that parents continually are expected to meet every need and desire or take the responsibility for disappointments in life. I am confident that whatever comes our way, we will move forward as a family and work through things 'together but separately'.
But let me say, having NPD parents is a lasting legacy that truly cripples a family and from which many do not survive in a healthy sense.