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And what do you do when you never had the connection in the first place? When the relative was a mean spirited, selfish and self-centred person to begin with who had little time for you when well and, whom everyone else in the family has either walked away from or is too elderly to help? When you become this person's whipping post, blamed for everything, real or imaginary. When you feel at breaking point because your own health is now suffering and you see no end - except your own?
Good article, but it was written under the assumption that dementia automatically equals the one with dementia automatically displays love one minute and hate the next. My husband is now in his fourth year of dementia, and he is always kind, loving, thoughtful, and grateful and pays me compliments every day and thanks me for taking such good care of him. I don't expect that he will ever fit the pattern that I have read so much about and lived in dread of. It doesn't automatically happen. Some dementia patients are cool, calm, and sweet, like my husband
Awesome! Thanks for writing and sharing. And yes love triumphs all, including dementia (and the unpredicted problems associated). Memories should restore and replenish; while stories of new and old should be shared and cherished (my Mom often likes to stand next to me while I cook for easier conversation). Thanks again:D
Making connections is truly vital. Mom who is eighty with early dementia does pick up the feelings. I brought up to her earlier that we needed to make some changes in the bedroom because I was concerned for her safety. She got angry with me started cussing me out and almost threw me out of her house and said never come back unless you can treat me with respect. I left for a little while and came back and we went back to the bedroom and started to go through the stuff that I had put on the bed. She was calm, she made sound decisions and I assured her that nothing was going to be thrown away. She began to think of what she wanted to keep and what she wanted to give away. We made a connection and later after dinner , I assured her that I was looking out for her safety and she was appreciative of my efforts.
Thank you for this article. I'm here reading comments frequently and find this site so helpful, especially when I am feeling down hearted and and sorry for the situation I find we are in. Things can always be worse. Seize the day and the beauty in it! Blessings All.
This is the best article I have read yet online. I was just at a Caregivers Conference yesterday and this links with everything that was said there. My husband is currently in a nursing home for Rehab and I want to bring him home very soon. He has not been talking for a couple of years…….not much, I mean. While at the nursing home he talks before he is forced to. He is relating daily activities and stories about the person who bathes him, how the other people are "crazy" etc. True he is a level above them and I want to bring him home because he can still communicate and interact with me. I love him very much and have for the last 37 years. He has had Alzheimer's for 9 of those years. I would like to keep him home permanently. Thanks for this article of patience and caring. I loved it.
Reading this has brought me an enlightenment into my behavior. I was born in a hurry, multitasking all the time! Just being delayed until he and his walker are out of my way can stifle any good thoughts I may have just had.
So, I am going to concentrate on slowing down and engage him more in the only conversation he enjoys - the olden days - with photograph albums, etc. We have many, many enjoyable times on film and I shall take the time to go over them more.
Ohmoondance, don't be gone long... We would miss you so!
I am living it with my husband & just happen to be a Psychiatric R.N. I understand the disease. I will not leave him. He hates when I say, "I understand." I say it no more & always remember that love is a verb. I am here to serve & he is my teacher.
You are so right about understanding the PWP on their level and really listen to the feelings behind the words. A whole lot of it is fear because they are trapped in their own little universe (especially with a hearing loss). I get out of patience but try and remember that I CAN remember, at least for the present....
Thank you for this article.....I just started keeping a journal, and it does help to vent out some of the frustration and anger I feel toward a situation that feels so impossible and unfair,
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Can You Love Someone When You Hate Their Dementia?
So, I am going to concentrate on slowing down and engage him more in the only conversation he enjoys - the olden days - with photograph albums, etc. We have many, many enjoyable times on film and I shall take the time to go over them more.
Ohmoondance, don't be gone long... We would miss you so!
I understand the disease. I will not leave him.
He hates when I say, "I understand." I say it no more & always remember that love is a verb. I am here to serve & he is my teacher.