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All this would be great except that all too often families use caregiving as a form of punishment on a specific scapegoat child. People are not eager to accept how many cluster B people are out there especially those who have had children. I was lucky that my grandma loved me unconditionally and that her daughters simply wanted to take control of her finances (it didn’t work). However I was the designated caregiver child and if anyone had ever told my aunt or mother otherwise I’d have gotten a whooping for “manipulating people’s emotions”. If your elders fail to plan that should be on THEM.
furthermore there should be evaluations of such families. Why are they so afraid of their children being taken away? They clearly don’t see their children (especially their daughters) as anything more than a free source of labor they’re too lazy and indolent to complete!
There are a lot of people in my area who are not even elderly—substance abuse addicts and former KKK members who don’t want to work with minorities and people who think they are entitled to servitude because they’re white—and they use caregiving agencies to meet their selfish needs. Mostly cleaning.
It's not just the time and responsibility; it's dealing with mortality. My mom had cancer surgery when I was 11, and it was up and down for six years. Fortunately, we did have a great support system through our church, and Dad was able to retire and do the major caregiving as required. There were good times--there was even a couple of years she was able to return to work part time. (My brothers were all grown and living too far to be around a lot.) I recall having to quit some school activities to be able to help more around the house, and will never forget the I came home from my after-school job and she didn't know who I was. I lost that job because I had had to take too much time off (this was my senior year in high school; she passed away in March.) She did know that I had been accepted at her alma mater. Dad insisted that I go ahead and go away to school; after he dropped me off he went to spend time with his siblings and my brothers various places around the country. He and I spent holidays and most of two summers with the brother who lived closest (300 miles away); then I came home two summers and after graduation; he passed the next summer, just before I was married. The local church people did keep an eye on him. My own kids were teens when we had my MIL for her last year; she was at some of the other siblings part of the time and in the hospital occasionally, and we had a really good daytime caregiver. Social Security paid part of that but we had to cover part as well. My kids helped; but not to the point of too much responsibility. I remember telling my SIL's that our kids were learning from watching us what happens to Granny--and someday we'll be the Grannys. Fortuntely, both my parents and parents-in-law were mentally there up until close to the end.
I do understand your comment and do agree with most of your comment but I also have seen the other situations. I have been in the other person shoes and I do reach out and like you say more of us should but a lot of us are dealing with the same issues. I just want people to be responsible and prepare. Take those extra few dollars and get what you need for unavoidable situations.
I think we have come a long way and have begun to recognize the trauma inflicted by terminally ill immedite family members. Organizations are stepping up and offering famiy counseling, opportunities for families to enjoy vacations together, etc. But this is something that needs to begin at the grass roots. Each of us need to be aware of friends and neighbors who are going through the trauma of living with a terminally ill parent and sibling and offer our help in concrete ways. Be proactive, don't just say "Call me if you need me" but offer to take the children for outings, overnight parties, special events, etc. This is where church and neighbors are so important! We had a wonderful man in our congregation with a teenager and 9 year old twins who was terminally ill. His wife needed to work to support the family and our church support system was tremendous. As far as some of the comments to this situation it is easy to criticize others when you are not in their circumstances. As the old Indian saying goes " Do not criticize someone until you have walked in their shoes for 3 days".
I think its not fair for children and even adults to take care other adults that did not prepare for old age. I have a mother who has the money but wants the family do everything. I think this is selfish and not considerate. I do know some cases are unavoidable such as sickness but a lot of them are because people don't prepare.
Maddie... Yes, many of us as children and young adults can't even describe what it's like to go through having a sick parent at such a young age and then loosing them. I was in shock for years after loosing my father at 18 (my brother was only 7 and he doesn't even remember him). Back then, medicine was pretty 'barbaric' and my father suffered immensely, so I'm grateful today that he no longer has to suffer. With that said, there are so many people today that are just plain 'out of reality' with staring at their iphones and gadgets. They don't know the human touch and what life is really about. Someday, they'll find out... God Bless all of you...
When at a caregiving conference a few years back, I attended a hospice workshop. A comment was made about the support systems available to children. When that statement was made, I found myself suddenly in tears. Oh…if they would only have had something like that when I was a kid!
Like you, I grew up during the 50’s and 60’s. When my father was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, the doctor recommended that he not be told that he had a fatal disease. My mother did tell my brother and me (15 and 10, respectively), and we were instructed not to tell anyone. It was a “secret” that was never discussed. Yes, it was traumatic, and I absolutely felt abandoned.
Thank you for focusing your attention on the children and their needs. Thank you for helping them maintain their childhood so they do not have to “miss out” on those years as did you and I.
That is a wonderful idea. Children of that age worrying about mother's mortality, have a hard time relating to those without such problems who may only have to worry about their hair style, or color of their next phone case. They need support from someone they can relate to who understands the serious issues they are faced with.
I'm delighted to see some attention being directed toward this issue. I am a single parent, and was also the primary caregiver for both my parents in the last years of their lives, which took place while my daughter was between the ages of 10 and 15. As jeannegibbs has pointed out, even though my daughter was not a caregiver herself, she was dramatically affected by the unavoidable reduction of my attention during those crucial formative years. We have weathered it fairly well (with counselling and the passage of time), but I would be delighted to see more attention being paid to the effects caregiving has on ALL family members, both directly and indirectly.
I think this is an excellent Project. I experienced caring for my Mother when she was dying of Cancer. I was 17 and had to graduate at the end of my Junior year with a 3.0 grade average in order to care for her.I was denied my Senior year at school & college My father was an Alcoholic & had no money and no Med. Ins. My future was destroyed. My brother was 9 that year and excessively emotionally attached to my mother...........he did not survive the trauma of Living with her as she died at home. It destroyed his life, he became an alcoholic.........unble to work or function. Children in that type of situation need someone they can turn to. There was no one no family or friends that stepped up to help us. I hope this idea will spread and many will benefit from counseling..........
I'm very glad to see a recognition of the problems helping care for a family member can create for school kids. Even kids who don't participate directly in the caregiving are impacted by a loss of attention from their caregiving parent. Finding ways to help overcome these issues is an awesome goal!
Two thumbs up to you, Connie. I feel very bad for young caregivers asking questions in the group, because I know they have to be building their lives. I know they had to grow up much too quickly to take on a role that most of us don't face until later in life. I'm looking forward to reading the things you write.
Unfortunately, people's circumstances in life dictate a young adult to have to care for someone..... and grow up too soon. The saddest part is their childhood is taken away from them.
What you are doing is wonderful, but I think it is a disgrace that school-aged children are given the responsibilities as caregivers. These responsibilities belong in the adult world, not a child's. It is hard enough to be an adult caregiver, now there are a million plus, child caregivers in the US. I am so glad you are doing what you can to help these youths. May God help this country!
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Children and Teens: The Overlooked Caregivers No One Ever Talks About
furthermore there should be evaluations of such families. Why are they so afraid of their children being taken away? They clearly don’t see their children (especially their daughters) as anything more than a free source of labor they’re too lazy and indolent to complete!
There are a lot of people in my area who are not even elderly—substance abuse addicts and former KKK members who don’t want to work with minorities and people who think they are entitled to servitude because they’re white—and they use caregiving agencies to meet their selfish needs. Mostly cleaning.
My own kids were teens when we had my MIL for her last year; she was at some of the other siblings part of the time and in the hospital occasionally, and we had a really good daytime caregiver. Social Security paid part of that but we had to cover part as well. My kids helped; but not to the point of too much responsibility. I remember telling my SIL's that our kids were learning from watching us what happens to Granny--and someday we'll be the Grannys. Fortuntely, both my parents and parents-in-law were mentally there up until close to the end.
Like you, I grew up during the 50’s and 60’s. When my father was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, the doctor recommended that he not be told that he had a fatal disease. My mother did tell my brother and me (15 and 10, respectively), and we were instructed not to tell anyone. It was a “secret” that was never discussed. Yes, it was traumatic, and I absolutely felt abandoned.
Thank you for focusing your attention on the children and their needs. Thank you for helping them maintain their childhood so they do not have to “miss out” on those years as did you and I.
Barbara M., author
My brother was 9 that year and excessively emotionally attached to my mother...........he did not survive the trauma of Living with her as she died at home. It destroyed his life, he became an alcoholic.........unble to work or function.
Children in that type of situation need someone they can turn to. There was no one no family or friends that stepped up to help us.
I hope this idea will spread and many will benefit from counseling..........