Mt husband helps his sister in the caregiving for both of their parents. The added issue is he goes to another state to do this most of the time for long periods of time. It is hard when he finally comes home because he feels so guilty for not being back there to help with mom & dad. His time home is always way shorter than his time there.bi try to be supportive but some days it is really hard to not feel neglected. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. How do me & the kids do better with this situation?

I do not see it as such a choice. I would not throw a parent or in-law parent under the bus if they had no way or means to be cared for. Life is occasioned by tribulation and problems of all sorts.. I see the "heaven-on-earth" life as fantasy.

Personally, I view the 12 years I cared for my massively impaired wife as the most satisfying years of our lives even though she could not speak, was paralyzed, had vertigo all of her waking hours, had two dozen urinary tract infections, skin cancer, dental problems and much more. Caring for and cherishing a impaired loved one as the main part of one's life over long periods of time is most rewarding and is the apex of loving them and they know it and feel valued.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Actually, I married an older man with 3 grown children. My DH was older than my parents. I am the 24/7 caregiver for my 96 yo DH and his children live 3 states away and no physical support. His siblings are also in their 90's and he is the eldest, so no support there either. I gave up worrying about anyone supporting me as caregiver. I do my best and I do it every day.
Thank you for this article.

It would be nice if this worked, Unfortunately, in many cases, including mine, it doesn't. My wife has children and grandchildren living close by that seem, not to know that she exists. They are 'too busy' with their own lives to even lift a telephone and ask how their Mom is.

We have accepted that this is the status quo and get along the best way we can.

GOOD ARTICLE. I've been married 38 yrs. and my mother is sick and I'm helping my disabled brother with mom at her home. I cook meals,drive to doctors, help mom bath and come to help 2-3 days a week...really small time compared to brother there 24/7......My husband calls his mom and sister once a month and thinks he is doing something really great....leaves his sister to deal with everything....they live same distance as my mom....He is full of advice....
works part time....REally jealous of his charmed life and attitude..and have told him so....HE just laughs.....