My mother was in assisted living. She grew up in a small town in central Texas where it was common for families to have minority care givers live in the home to care for elders and children. Her grandmother and great grandmother also lived with the family of nine children. She grew up with a black nanny that they actually called Mammy. She loved her nanny like her own mother. One day a black aide came in her room to help her dress for breakfast. My mother exclaimed how the lady reminded her of her beloved Mammy. The aide was livid at what she felt was offensive. She demanded my mother be kicked out of the facility. And she was. She never understood why the woman was upset. She explained how she loved her nanny and she meant it as a compliment. Dementia? Or was it just a cultural difference? Either way, caregivers should try to step back and give the patient the benefit of the doubt and not take offense where possibly none is intended. Some comments from my mother were innocent, some were kind of crude, but she was never vindictive or intentionally insulting.

My mother-in-law has forgotten her first husband's name. She argues with and ridicules her own daughter. She makes rude comments about other people's appearance. She is generally intolerant. She doesn't recall having diabetes, heart surgery, etc. and hopes she will die in her sleep some day soon. Hoping she gets her wish, it is frustrating all around.

Thank you for tackling this tough subject. It's so hard to know how to handle difficult behaviors, especially in public. For those wondering if a loved one might have dementia or where to turn, I found this article especially helpful in highlighting the key symptoms and how home care can help: https://innovativeseniorsolutions.com/top-10-signs-of-alzheimers-disease/

My Mother was diagnosed 3 years ago with dementia after she began to lose things. She would accuse someone of stealing, even in the night, she was on medication but her symptoms progressed to anger and short fuse over little things. This was a woman who was soft spoken, slow to anger and kind. It was such a change for us to try to manage a whole new way of living. She is 82, I’m 66 and I felt so stressed sometimes. I didn’t know what each day will start with. I retired in April that year and was with her 24/7. I have been researching for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you ever come across Natural Herbs Centre Dementia Ayurvedic Protocol (just google it). It is a smashing one of a kind product for reversing Dementia completely.6 months into treatment she has improved dramatically. the disease is totally under control. No case of dementia, particularly the hallucination, weakness, and her mood swings. visit naturalherbscentre .com I Just wanted to share for people suffering from this horrible disease

Another good idea is to keep a journal to track triggers that prompted behaviors like this and what worked or didn't work. More information on journaling for dementia caregivers can be found here: https://www.jfcares.org/blog/keeping-a-dementia-journal/

This can be mortifying for family members! Another option to consider is printing out small cards that explain the person has dementia and may say and do things that are not socially acceptable, and then hand them to anyone who seems to be offended, such as in the doctor's office waiting room.

False accusations are another thing that many family caregivers face when caring for a loved one with dementia. It can be hard to handle accusations like, "You're stealing from me!" from someone you love, but these tips can help https://heartsathomeusa.com/coping-with-false-allegations/

Great Article!
My mother’s only real girlfriend was a African-American women. My parents never used racial slurs, made racist remarks or would have tolerated me and my 7 siblings to speak inappropriately. My mother now calls nursing home employees the worst names then 20 minutes later hugging and kissing them. I have explained to them that this behavior is her disease and she was not this person before her disease. They seem to appreciate the acknowledgment, apology and thanking them for their tolerance.
Sex? My mother thinks anyone with short hair is a man (she is almost blind), she is ready and willing to play doctor with anybody. It was rumored once she was making out with another female resident. Sometimes, she takes off or refuses to put on clothes. Hyper sexual is an understatement.
Currently, In the sixth nursing home in 4 yrs. (Moved for all different reasons) it doesn’t matter-all the same. She is currently in a lockdown (memory care?-hardly) hallway with only women for the last year. This disease has taught patience I didn’t think possible.
It is what it is…Alzheimer’s sucks!

Well, thank you for this insight. I get easily embarrassed, I would probably end going out in public after the first sign of an oral volcanic explosion.

Wow I was reading this article and actually shred with my sister as this describes my dad in so many ways and actually provided me some alternative solutions I can try.

thank you

My mom's inappropriare comments were often directed towards me, in the privacy of our own home, when she'd sometimes tell me, once Alzheimer's' hit, to "drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" This would be over nothing, by the way. She never said that to anyone, over anything, let alone me, over nothing. I learned to develop a thick skin and a sense of humor when she'd say this to me. After the 20th time she said this, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. Her inappropriate comments to people in public were very nice.. She'd ask total strangers, "How's the family?" It was like the TV show, "Mama's Family." I was my Mama's family, and I just had to roll with the punches. Luckily, she didn't say anything insulting in public. I even wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."

When a nurse makes a suggestion, she thinks that it's me that has initiated it and reasons against it no matter what is suggested and belittles me in the process. She has been this way, only amplified now when others are present. When we are alone we are fine and she seems to acknowledge that I know what I'm doing or have knowledge of. It still throws me off how she portrays me to others or doesn't see how this is insulting to me. I learned long ago to not seek approval or to change her, but I do question why I remain caring for her with growing dementia.

It's simply untrue over one incident of a sexual nature your father would have been asked to leave as he made a nurse uncomfortable! I have worked in care for 30 years and now also care for an elderly relative that says and does sexually inappropriate things. Nurses have to put up with sexual assaults on a daily basis. The place where your dad is now probably don't bring it up with you but if you were to ask you may have a different perspective. It sounds to me like your dad had a very serious issue with sexually assaults on staff, I have only ever heard of one patient being moved for such behaviour. Please spare a thought for the nurses that at times go home in tears because of the sexual assaults.

My Mom was taking care of an older man with Alzheimer. I loved how she handled things when it came to his sexual advances. She was in the kitchen and he came up to her, opened his robe and said "come on baby, lets have some fun". Without missing a beat she said, "George, put that thing away. I don't have time to deal with that.". He closed up his robe and that was the end of that. I loved how she handled it and I have always gotten a good laugh out of it.

It's funny that you asked what is the funniest thing your aged parent has said to you lately well my mother is 77 years old and going through a little bit of dementia coupled with chronic chronic pain and heavy meds this actually occurred 15 or 16 years ago he was trying to mow the lawn and the lawn mower had a flat tire and she wanted to really get the lawn mowed so it would look nice and gave her something worthwhile to do while we planted trees and flowers. She did not want to have to tell my brother that she flattened the tire because the week before she had hit a tree root and bent the blades and the deck so needless to say she panicked seeing the flat tire she says isn't there something we can do I said Mom know it's it's flat I can't fix it right now she says oh come on it's only flat on the bottom and as she's sitting there trying to look at this tire trying to figure a way the look of determination it was in her eye I just looked at her and I said you're kidding me right she says no it's it's only flat on the bottom it should roll right around right? I laughed so hard at the time and so did she later when she thought about it

I really like this post and quoted from it in latest My New Old Self blog post on recent findings that older people fear getting Alzheimer's more than cancer or any other disease.

Sorry, but let's call a spade a spade. People who use racial slurs are in fact racist. Perhaps they're people with dementia who have no inhibitions but they are being racist.

Every time I'd visit my grandmother at her nursing home, she'd go into great details about the wonderful lunch and visit she had just had with Mrs. ______. The only problem with that is that Mrs. _____ had been her next-door neighbor in another state and unfortunately had been dead for 20 years. The first time, I told her that Mrs. _____ was dead and she became very angry with me for "saying terrible things about nice people like Mrs. _____!" So after that, I just went along and we always had a nice talk about the lunch and how Mrs. ____ was doing these days. Sometimes you just have to go along with it.

When my mother was brought to her current nursing home she said, "There are not enough white people here." I apologized to the aide attending her and she told me not to worry about it and that's she's heard it all. I do believe that.

In the last two years my 83 year old wife has experienced an auto accident resulting in a broken neck, a fall that caused sever damage to her spine, followed by another fall that resulted in a blood clot on her brain. She now is using a four wheel walker and gets around fairly well, she needs assistance with her toileting and getting into bed. Sometimes she accuses me of not being supportive, or not loving her any more,
followed by why don't you kiss me good night anymore. It breaks my heart to hear this but I know that she doesn't mean what she is saying at times. There are times when she thanks me for taking care of her "even though some times I am a pain in the XXX."

Appreciate the article and the timing for me to read it.
We just came back from Home Depot, buying a "high" toilet. The gentleman helping us was so nice and informative and as we talked, he began to share some of his home life. He asked if we (my husband & I )were friends. I waited to see what my husband would say. Nothing. I said, most of the time. He wanted to know how long we were "friends"? I said 57 years, never admitting we were married. My husband asked him, how long have you been married. He said 36 years, and that he had never wanted kids, but his wife did, so they tried to adopt. He said he thought sure they wouldn't let them, but they did! He said the house is a mess now. I commented I bet he loved it and he agreed.Then my hubby said, if you think that's bad you should see what it's like to have your testicles swell up! The guys face turned red and he kept walking and I was along side him and said I'm sorry, but he has dementia. He just laughed and I went out the door to get the car, while my husband was escorted to the checkout to pay for the toilet. I was laughing so hard going to the car...(he had recently had a hernia operation (YES, there was swelling and bruising and it was a looooong couple of weeks of hearing about it). Doubtful if that will ever be for from his mind.
Lord help me. You just HAVE to laugh.

Not only do they say some socially embarrassing things but strange things in general. They definitely perceive their environment differently. I live with my mom in a mobile home park--not manufactured homes. As you know these homes are on blocks with skirts around them. We have lived here for 13 years and my mother is sure the lady next door has a basement that is accessible through the large globe shaped planter pot that is in front. We have taken her over there to look at it and move it to show her there is no basement or door there. She still brings it up on occasion.

Loved this article!!! Thank you... It has such a positive perspective to a Tough Subject. Thanks Again for this 'Insight' and Suggestions.

My wife's grandmother would go off on some conversation about topics that only she knew about. My wife would just join in just as though it all made sense. That made her grandmother very pleased. I thought that approach made sense. My wife's mother , the daughter of the grandmother would try to reason with her mother, which got nowhere and looked redicules

Grampa woke me up in the middle of the night once. He whispered (shhhh, follow me). He tip toed through the house and to the front door, and motioned for me to unlock the dead bolt (key was not in it so he would not wander). I got the key and opened the front door, saw his mini van in the driveway, and he said "I'll be damned. The crooks stole the right side of my van, but there it is back again". . .

There is a thread on this sight....
What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately? Well the post on that discussion are from caregivers that have gotten past the
"what now, not again,why me, how do I respond to this or that?... stage" as care givers and moved onto the
"what is going to come out of the mouth today?,How many people am I going to pretend to be today?, Laughing and smiling works better than anger and crying!.Stage"
I saw a woman say to the Activities professional (Great job for him he's got the right attitude) at Mom's NH ... She said "get out of the way you're an IDIOT!!"
He look at me as I tried to stop myself from laughing and said "see the abuse I go through" with a big smile on his face then... said to her "you're right I am an idiot" "but your so beautiful" she smiled and said "that's right, at least YOU can SEE..., now get out of my way handsome"
he was blocking her view of the movie because he was fixing the sound.
With his response he turned a bitter woman into a more pleasant person.

After a very long frustrating day of my wife of 42 years calling me by my name and when I asked what she wanted she told me I was wrong person, She wanted the the other guy. Well this went on all day and by bed time I was thinking have I bitten off more then I can handle.. I had gotten her settled in bed and I went out of the bedroom to turn off the rest of the house lights. I went back to the bedroom to try and get some sleep. As I was undressing myself and my pants fell to the floor my wife with a big smile said "There you are I have been looking for you all day". I guess I should have taken my pants off early! On another occasion while she was in rehab I was a little late getting there to see her. She ask me were I had been. I explained all the things I had done. She reached out and took my hand and told me
"You need to retire from your retirement and slow down" Trust me not everything has been great by a long shot but when something makes you laugh, laugh as hard as you can.


'

my mother told me one evening she knew what i was up to. she said my friends were circling her house at night on motorcycles in order to drive her mad so id get her money when she died. i told her i dont have friends and if i did theyd have better things to do than circle her house on motorcycles. must have convinced her cause she told me she loved me so much and she went to bed. delusional or not ive never lied to her in 54 years so that must have helped a lot..
another time a quite overweight niece was standing at her bedside evidently annoying her cause she instructed noone in particular to take this tugboat out into the front yard. they pretty much say what they think..

My father also had Alzheimer's and we found what we thought was a very nice Nursing Home for him with a staff who was used to dealing with that condition. One day my Dad (who was normally very shy) grabbed on the nurse's inappropriately. They called us and told us we needed to find someplace else for him to live because that made the Nurse very "uncomfortable". Can you believe that? A nurse in an Alzheimer's unit was made "uncomfortable"!! After trying to talk to the Administrator and the staff, we decided to move Dad and found a place that he liked where they understood that he could not help what he did and that it was all due to his Alzheimer's. UNBELIEVABLE!!