I started to cry reading this article and all the comments. I was a caregiver first for my dad, who died in Jan.13,2011 due to Pulmonary Fibrosis. I then cared for my mom who had multiple co-morbidities associated with a 20 year history of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Medications basically destroyed her body. She got sick with Flu like symptoms and died a week later, in March 11, 2012. She died emotionally the day my dad died and did not want to live. I am an RN, and quit my job in the Emergency Room to care for my parents. (We had 3 sons in college at the time.)This way they could be at home with each other. Hospice helped with dad, but I was the caregiver, and managed both their lives while still encouraging their independence, and preserving their pride. I had siblings but they focused more on their inheritance than the responsibility that I had. I was the only daughter and the youngest. My parents moved 250 miles and relocated in the town we lived in, 6 months after we moved from them. They wanted me to care for them. My biggest regret is that on Dec.31, 2010, my 50th birthday, I chose not to go over to see my dad that evening because I knew it would be my last birthday with him in my life.It was just too hard for me.He was in a state of transition from this world to another but he had a goal to live until his 80th birthday..Jan.11,2013. The next day, the nurse who spent that night with my dad, said he sang Happy Birthday to me. I cried then and still cry now.I should have gone over there. Now, I am still defending myself from my brothers who have made false accusations about my intentions. They are on their third lawyer and third executor. I was Executor but they didn't believe anyone so I resigned the position. In a way, I regret that I agreed to take on the responsibility, but my parents asked me to and my dad had everything set up for me, including contact names and numbers for events that would occur. I even helped him plan his funeral. I never expected my siblings to behave in this way. There were no thank yous, just criticism. So, I too live with regrets, but I know to focus on the positives and everything I did for my parents. I loved them very much and we got along wonderfully til the very end.
I lost my wonderful Dad March 05 this year and do I miss him. My caregiving days had their highs and lows but I have no 'if only's. In essence we were a good team, I a self taught nurse and he a strong man accepting his visits to the dialysis unit, undergoing heart surgery, dealing with chronic back pain and even having a pacemaker inserted two weeks before he passed. There were times when he would be obstinate and sneak off for his 'sweet and salty foods' which had me going up the walls but it was his life and he lived it to the full. I managed with the help of the Dialysis unit in our local hospital to travel with him on two dialysis cruises within Europe and boy did we have a good time, even if the temptation of amazing food were too much to bear. My life has changed so much and the grief is incredible but I am busy making a DVD on his lifetime achievements and I intend walking the camino when my own health improves. There will be a headstone to be laid and my dad's mortal remain are only but 12 mins away walk to a lovely cemetery. His spirit is around me , however the negativity his death brought out in some family members has been the hardest to take. I hope in time these individuals will celebrate Dad's life and be grateful for what he gave of himself instead of feeling pangs of guilt. My mother doesn't share her thoughts but all I can do is be there for her when she wants me to be and accept that we are all individuals. So to the caregiver who put their Dad in a home, that was right for you and he would have got the care that helped him leave this world to the next, but please don't beat yourself up about it. Remember the good times before the illness got too tough to handle and the care you gave during this time. Eva, Ireland
I too suffer from overwhelming guilt, regret, should of's, could of's, would of's. Some days it attacks me so bad I want to die. Then when I allow that to happen, all the wrong and terrible things that I've done in the past to my parents come upon me like a tornado. We did the absolute best as caregivers as much as we were able. There is no such thing in the world as a perfect caregiver and our feelings of regret, guilt, remorse is normal. We all will feel that because every parent dies and every child will feel what we feel. Your parents now in heaven know that you love them still and they love you. And the most important things is that parents love their children unconditionally. They may not agree with all the mistakes and wrong decisions we made, but the intense love of parents never ceases to be. The whole month of february I was sick and the horrid feelings were a 100 times worse because I was sick and weak. But I feel better now. I had forgotten all of the loving and good things that I did do for them while in a care home [Dad] and Mom [hospice]. I was so smashed down with regret and guilt that I had totally forgotten all of the good and loving things that I did for them. I wasn't perfect and made many, many mistakes. But I am a changed person now. I feel much more humbled, less self-centered, less selfish, more devoted to God and His Word, and more loving toward people. I was not perfect, but I wanted to be and condemned myself for not being perfect. The Lord God has shown me that He has forgiven me, my parents do not even think or remember the mistakes that I had made. So why are we punishing ourselves? It is only us that is putting ourselves in the meat grinder and no one else. I know this is the most difficult part of losing parents that we caregived for and love so much, I've been there, I've done that, I know exactly how you feel. Please try to remember how much good you did do for them and how grateful they were. You are not perfect, you did all that you were capable of doing. Of course I wish I could go back and fix the mistakes, be more loving, more compassionate, more selfless, etc......but that is a stupid thought that kills our emotional state. The feelings will come in waves. Some good days,some terrible days, but the pain is always there, it just depends on the degree. You did the best that you were able and that is all that you could of done. Do you think your parents think about the things you are thinking right now? No they are not. They love you for who you are.
i have felt this same way. i think most, if not all of us have somewhere along this odyssey called caregiving. somehow we caregivers, so selfless and endlessly forgiving of others find this to be our greatest struggle. i know i do. a suggestion i have found helpful when battling my regret, guilt and remorse demons is to think about the worst thoughts in my head, or even write them out. then i frame them as if they had been posted here by someone other than me... perhaps jim76.
when i absorb my story with someone else's name, immediately i feel a surge of compassion and empathy. judgment falls away and i am always struck with the bare grace and humanity of this person doing what we 'humans' do when answering the call of caregiving. an imperfect being attempting to fill an all encompassing role that is both art and science, trying to get it just right even though the target ever moving. attempting to be perfect, while being so obviously imperfect. being human.
please accept my extension of loving kindness and in turn i will accept yours. perhaps then we may help each other to find it within ourselves for ourselves.
I have many regrets having cared for my parents. Not a day goes by that I don't go over the should haves, would haves, could haves. Although I have tried I continue to feel this overwhelming sense of failure.
I know of a case in which a medical student walked into the hospital complaining of severe headaches only to be told "you've been studying too hard", etc. This student walked down the hall, collapsed on the floor and died on an aneurysm. My point is that the possibility of an aneurysm is not taken seriously enough, although treatment options may be very limited for many of them.
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5 Ways to Overcome Mid-Life Regret
LOVE! Jules X!
I am an RN, and quit my job in the Emergency Room to care for my parents. (We had 3 sons in college at the time.)This way they could be at home with each other. Hospice helped with dad, but I was the caregiver, and managed both their lives while still encouraging their independence, and preserving their pride. I had siblings but they focused more on their inheritance than the responsibility that I had. I was the only daughter and the youngest. My parents moved 250 miles and relocated in the town we lived in, 6 months after we moved from them. They wanted me to care for them.
My biggest regret is that on Dec.31, 2010, my 50th birthday, I chose not to go over to see my dad that evening because I knew it would be my last birthday with him in my life.It was just too hard for me.He was in a state of transition from this world to another but he had a goal to live until his 80th birthday..Jan.11,2013. The next day, the nurse who spent that night with my dad, said he sang Happy Birthday to me. I cried then and still cry now.I should have gone over there.
Now, I am still defending myself from my brothers who have made false accusations about my intentions. They are on their third lawyer and third executor.
I was Executor but they didn't believe anyone so I resigned the position. In a way, I regret that I agreed to take on the responsibility, but my parents asked me to and my dad had everything set up for me, including contact names and numbers for events that would occur. I even helped him plan his funeral. I never expected my siblings to behave in this way. There were no thank yous, just criticism.
So, I too live with regrets, but I know to focus on the positives and everything I did for my parents. I loved them very much and we got along wonderfully til the very end.
I a self taught nurse and he a strong man accepting his visits to the dialysis unit,
undergoing heart surgery, dealing with chronic back pain and even having a pacemaker inserted two weeks before he passed. There were times when he would be obstinate and sneak off for his 'sweet and salty foods' which had me going up the walls but it was his life and he lived it to the full. I managed with the help of the Dialysis unit in our local hospital to travel with him on two dialysis cruises within Europe and boy did we have a good time, even if the temptation of amazing food were too much to bear. My life has changed so much and the grief is incredible but I am busy making a DVD on his lifetime achievements and I intend walking the camino when my own health improves. There will be a headstone to be laid and my dad's mortal remain are only but 12 mins away walk to a lovely cemetery. His spirit is around me , however the negativity his death brought out in some family members has been the hardest to take. I hope in time these individuals will celebrate Dad's life and be grateful for what he gave of himself instead of feeling pangs of guilt. My mother doesn't share her thoughts but all I can do is be there for her when she wants me to be and accept that we are all individuals. So to the caregiver who put their Dad in a home, that was right for you and he would have got the care that helped him leave this world to the next, but please don't beat yourself up about it. Remember the good times before the illness got too tough to handle and the care you gave during this time. Eva, Ireland
I too suffer from overwhelming guilt, regret, should of's, could of's, would of's. Some days it attacks me so bad I want to die. Then when I allow that to happen, all the wrong and terrible things that I've done in the past to my parents come upon me like a tornado. We did the absolute best as caregivers as much as we were able. There is no such thing in the world as a perfect caregiver and our feelings of regret, guilt, remorse is normal. We all will feel that because every parent dies and every child will feel what we feel. Your parents now in heaven know that you love them still and they love you. And the most important things is that parents love their children unconditionally. They may not agree with all the mistakes and wrong decisions we made, but the intense love of parents never ceases to be. The whole month of february I was sick and the horrid feelings were a 100 times worse because I was sick and weak. But I feel better now. I had forgotten all of the loving and good things that I did do for them while in a care home [Dad] and Mom [hospice]. I was so smashed down with regret and guilt that I had totally forgotten all of the good and loving things that I did for them. I wasn't perfect and made many, many mistakes. But I am a changed person now. I feel much more humbled, less self-centered, less selfish, more devoted to God and His Word, and more loving toward people. I was not perfect, but I wanted to be and condemned myself for not being perfect. The Lord God has shown me that He has forgiven me, my parents do not even think or remember the mistakes that I had made. So why are we punishing ourselves? It is only us that is putting ourselves in the meat grinder and no one else.
I know this is the most difficult part of losing parents that we caregived for and love so much, I've been there, I've done that, I know exactly how you feel.
Please try to remember how much good you did do for them and how grateful they were. You are not perfect, you did all that you were capable of doing. Of course I wish I could go back and fix the mistakes, be more loving, more compassionate, more selfless, etc......but that is a stupid thought that kills our emotional state.
The feelings will come in waves. Some good days,some terrible days, but the pain is always there, it just depends on the degree. You did the best that you were able and that is all that you could of done. Do you think your parents think about the things you are thinking right now? No they are not. They love you for who you are.
i have felt this same way. i think most, if not all of us have somewhere along this odyssey called caregiving. somehow we caregivers, so selfless and endlessly forgiving of others find this to be our greatest struggle. i know i do. a suggestion i have found helpful when battling my regret, guilt and remorse demons is to think about the worst thoughts in my head, or even write them out. then i frame them as if they had been posted here by someone other than me... perhaps jim76.
when i absorb my story with someone else's name, immediately i feel a surge of compassion and empathy. judgment falls away and i am always struck with the bare grace and humanity of this person doing what we 'humans' do when answering the call of caregiving. an imperfect being attempting to fill an all encompassing role that is both art and science, trying to get it just right even though the target ever moving. attempting to be perfect, while being so obviously imperfect. being human.
please accept my extension of loving kindness and in turn i will accept yours. perhaps then we may help each other to find it within ourselves for ourselves.
~with loving kindness to us all