I’ve been looking after my husbands mother for 6 years. And her husband before he passed in 2022. My husband, their only child passed in 2019. There is no way I would leave her without assistance. Common kindness.

It truly makes me very sad that a woman would even ask that question! She, most likely, will be an elderly in law one day. I’m grateful she’s not my dil!

Good Afternoon,

Folks we have to remember people don't die in birth order. My dad died suddenly many years ago when I was in Grad School. He was an only child, his mother outlived him. My mother always held the family together but soon thereafter (after dad's passing) my other grandmother who lived in the family home took sick as well as an elderly Aunt who married late and had no children.

This was before the days of ritzy Assisted Livings and a Physical Therapist was on every street corner. The assisted living was our family room with paneling that was converted into a spare bedroom.

All of these services we discuss online were not around. Families had to step to the plate. The Nursing Homes that were around you had to physically go and visit since there were no websites or online reviews and virtual tours.

One day when I was out walking I had an aha moment and thought if my great Aunt passed I would want her to have the last rites and a Priest. She was a daily Communicant. I went to the nursing home and visited and stopped at the desk and ask them if anything should happen please call a Priest.

I kid you not, the next night I get a call Aunt Catherine took a turn for the worse. Of course the phone call came at 2AM. I drove Mom to the Nursing Home and would you believe when I got out of the car a Priest was in the parking lot exiting the NH and asked me "are you here for Catherine" I responded, Yes, and he said I just gave her the last rites.

I was 30 and working full-time also in Grad School. I never missed visiting my grandmother, Aunt, made sure she was cared for and protected--clothing marked, newspaper delivery, hair appointment every Friday, large number on the phone, plus now and then a bottle of Christian Brother's Brandy!

I must say in all honesty as a woman who is now in my 50's, I learned more from being a Caregiver than all my years' of Graduate School. It really gave me purpose, structure, organization and altruism. We just did it. That's how my parents were. My Uncles were all the same way.

Caregiving matured me. Others even mentioned that I had changed, matured.
I had responsibilities other than my own goals.

Every family is the same as far as who rolls up her their sleeves and other's who always have their hand out. I can remember sitting in my grandmother's bedroom thinking my dad would be proud of me and I wanted to do it for him.

I don't know if these (2) scenarios are combined but in my neck of the woods unfortunately lately I have read too many obituaries that involve young people (these are families with means) who are taking their life. Some of the families I actually know the parents/grandparents. But having purpose in life, a reason to get out of bed in the morning and relied upon. There is a lot to be said for that. I don't, however, want to mix these (2) topics up. But even Victor Frankl stated "Man needs Purpose". During the concentration camps, the one's who survived thought about the people who needed them. I don't want to get off the track but in the end we have to live with the decision we have made. This is human life we are talking about. It is sacred.

I am here actually hoping to find out what to do as while this woman in the article seems cold in the end. As she was able bodied to help. I am currently severely disabled. I go days where I don’t have help myself to brush my hair. My Mother in law is severely combative and the lastt time she was here I was beaten with my crutches and my husband did nothing, just implied at her age nothing is considered assault she is just being stupid. I am currently recovering from spinal surgery and can’t move my right arm. She requires bathing now when she refuses to bath, hits people and bites them, has bladder control issues and other health needs. His sister was caring for her with an in home nurse until she became so combative she drew blood biting her and put her in a nursing facility. Most of her episodes happen when she is somewhere else mentally or can’t remember. And I used to sympathize with it but I cannot understand how I can take care of another human being when I can’t take care of myself. He does not help me and I have no in home care that would help me let alone with her needs. I was told if I refuse my things will be thrown out of the house. I don’t have anywhere to go and he knows that. She is also TB and hepatitis positive and he has already been told I cannot be around her while I am on my medications, so he has no declined to allow me to have my medication saying it solves the problem of her not being able to be around me. I am currently in organ failure, have severe crohns and major spinal and nerve damage. I have told him she cannot live her but its also because 1. She requires nursing and 2. I cannot physically… I am in a wheel chair for half of the day when I am not trying to walk on my own. Are there services she would qualify for as a non us citizen I wouldn’t?

I took care of my mother-in-law for 8 years alongside of my hubby, mom-in-laws hubby decided he was better off overseas, and at first offered to pay me for taking on her care , mom-in-law needed 24/7 care and so me and my hubby put everything on hold and rolled up our sleeves and looked after her, she had a ton of medical issues many co-morbidities and we had absolutely zero help from my father-in-law, unfortunately mom-in-law passed away in Jan 2020 despite all of our determination, right now we are grieving her loss, but proud that we gave her what we feel was 8 years of quality time with family members (all of whom didnt help at all, it was just me and hubby) and now we are dealing with mom-in-laws hubby who is telling everyone what a hard job he had caring for her, yet he didnt offer anything, and i am so incensed by his behaviour I am ready to send him a bill for caring for mom-in-law for the last 8 years worth of 24/7 non-stop care , I loved mom-in-law dearly but because father-in-law couldnt be bothered, my marriage was rung through and both myself and my hubby are exhausted both physically and emotionally, i very much doubt i have the will to do something like this again for a little time

It's also worth keeping in mind that in some cases the marriage is over due to death of the spouse, but the other spouse may still have to make decisions about the care of the [former?] in-laws.

My husband and I have been the primary caregivers for my mother in law for the last 7 years. We take her to all doctor appointments, do all of her shopping, pay all of her bills, etc. My husband likes to see her every day, some days multiple times. Her health has been deteriorating and she now lives in a nursing home. We still see her every day, I do her laundry. My husband has been contemplating having our home renovated to bring her here to live. I am torn. I'm not sure if its a great idea, but I understand that she is miserable in the nursing home. Besides, I would never want him to tell me that my parents couldn't come live here if or when the time comes. The last 7 years we have not had much of a social life and don see our friends near as much as I would like to. We also used to go on many vacations and since we ave become her caregivers we are lucky to get away for a few days once a year. My husband has 3 sisters and only one of them helps out. The other two can't even be bothered to call their mother. They are both local and have no excuse! Not to mention that they have bad mouthed me and don't bother with us. How could they be so cruel to me when I have done nothing but take great care of their mother. It is a very frustrating situation this caregiving!

I'm sorry for your situation. I understand that feeling of utter discust wth people. It's even sadder when it's family. I believe it's right to cut out the useless parts of your life. They tend to make a hard situation harder. Do you still care for her?Were they the first in line for the $ ?

I too have been caring for my 86 y/o MIL for 1 1/2 years. My husband, her only child, passed away unexpectedly last year. I am 44 years old and never thought that I'd be in this position. It has been so hard for both of us. She has Parkinson's and early stages of Dementia. She finally agreed to a live-in home health aide, who has been terrific. I am at her house almost every day and I feel guilty even thinking that I want to "have a life." Since all my energy is put into her care giving, I don't have time for myself. I am lucky that I have a counselor that has helped me with the grieving process and with my current situation with the MIL. I am also happy that I found this great web site. I know that I am not alone. Hugs to all the care-givers out there.

I took care of my mother-in-law for several years. In this time, my husband's sister and brother did absolutely nothing to help out. My husband mainly did the maintenance around his mother's home while I did the caregiving with some help from my daughter. Trying to get my husband's siblings to help ending up in verbal altercations from them. They felt I should do everything and they themselves nothing. We were also dealing with our youngest's child's special needs and I worked outside the house as well. To this day, we don't speak to my husband's siblings.