To me it is obvious who lives in an alternate universe. Take a look at almost 100 percent of the comments and that should tell you how much the person that wrote this article knows or truly cares about the real suffering and abuse that goes on every solitary day in Nursing Homes. What I have witnessed, whether it be my loved one, or countless residents be abused will sicken me until my dying days. God help our loved ones, because if you don't advocate on a daily basis, for your loved one there is a very good chance that they will suffer the same things that I have witnessed.

.... as another on here has written, her mother was in 3 different assisted living facilities during her years of assisted care and she witnessed very similar to what I am now. My mother has been in her 3rd facility now (over a 3 year span) for 12 days, and I, while I have visited my mother every day the first 7 days, now visit every other day (these are not visits, these are times I monitor her behavior, her feelings, her health, I check her belongings, I check on her medication (because the last facility had given her wrong medication and then the correct medication not as prescribed and would leave her meds in cups sitting around in her room to the point no one knew what meds she's take or not, and a disgruntled CNA had wrapped my mothers oxygen cord so tightly in a puzzle around her walker handles my mother could not get to her oxygen when she needed it. The aid left only 7 inches able to be used, which caused my mother to nearly get to her knees to breathe, and in the same fit of anger the aid raised her voice and then threw something at my mother. Now although I hold these concerns in my mind, regardless each time I am there I have been extremely polite, very kind to all around (because by now I do know that a families disposition does come back onto the one having to stay/live at the facility be it negative or positive) .. I am very cautious of her In my mind and my thoughts are directed to be very protective and to look for critical things (not small little things) but I have become sensitive due to her past experiences (also the fact that I had to become her sole caregiver after her first experience with a facility ended over 2 years past, in her loosing extreme amounts of her belongings due to theft from the facility, 3 police reports filed and nothing happened to the facility, but rather the facility then wrongfully evicted my mother as a retaliation to the police reports.) .... To continue, today, she is 12 days in this new place and she is naturally unhappy, nervous, confused and somewhat cautious herself to the degree her memory allows... all the while I am trying to keep her spirits up, bringing her small treats, snack and little trinkets she enjoys to keep her looking forward to each day. She is in this facility because she has severe short term memory lapse and she is entering what the physicians describe as her second stage of dementia and my caring for her 24/7 had destroyed my finances, lost my business my home, and placed my immediate family, my kids, etc in a very dangerous position....it's was a very very hard decision that had to be made so I could afford not only my own life, but also hers as need be. So yes, I'm back to work, she is there as I've said for 12 days now, and regardless this facilities "promise to respect her, promise to keep her safe, regardless their promising to take her freighting facility history in mind and treat her carefully, and regardless their 'supposed policy to encourage and keep me (her only involved child out of 4 kids) very involved ... These 12 days I have had to politely mentioned to them, "please do not allow my moms oxygen to run out again" (3 days in this new facility her oxygen bottle was never changed for over 4 hours, meaning she had no oxygen assist (which is a prescribed prescription due to a recent bout of COPD) until a concerned roommate called me to tell me my mom is not doing well) I arrived to her being starved for oxygen for over 4 hours meaning her mental state was about done, - I'm surprised she retained consciousness due to her blood ox drops to low 70s ... and regardless I had asked the CMA 7 hours previous if it had been changed) ... I have experienced my mother, now in a 10x 10 room, with a table, a recliner, a sitting chair and a television, leaving her 4x5 walking area to maneuver her walker.. Aids continually park a full size wheel chair in the center, then move my mothers walker away from her, leaving her zero space to physically get up to try to move the wheel chair to then try to maneuver without a walker to get to her walker.. it's no different than parking a crippled persons crutches out of reach. I have experienced them leaving her "2ft tall oxygen bottles (8 at a time) In her only walkway with very projectile tops able to impale if she were to fall on them .. I have experienced them repeatedly leaving her portable oxygen switch, which is attached to her walker "on" rather than turning it "off after they assist her back from the dining room, leaving her subjected to no oxygen if she were to have to get to the restroom and sit for any length of time. I have experienced them removing her oxygen and sitting it across the other side of the room or in another room completely away from my moms room, that then leaves her to maneuver the walker to find the oxygen to then try to lift the oxygen bottle and hose to place it back on her walker. They do not stay in the room for the 6 minute nebulizer treatments, and the nebulizer machine runs for up to two hours each time if her own memory does not remember she indeed has had the treatment, so she ends up holding the mouth peice for up to two hours with nothing in the mister cup, etc. I have mentioned each situation politely but mentioned with concern and worry but also saying "I know it may take some time to get to know her needs but these are potentially life threading concerns' .... What is their response to me for trying to assist them to assist my mom? The curator told me "why are you coming here late at nights" what is your reasoning to do that" you need to stop answering your mothers calls, she needs to trust us more than you it's us who she lives with' "your mother needs to stop calling you with problems and to start telling us' your mother needs to realize she's in a nice place even tho she like many others here have no money, and you are welcome to take her elsewhere" of which I sat speechless on the phone when told all of this ... ... so 12 days into this "supposed wonderful and safe facility, all aids have been bared from speaking with me. I found this out this morning when on the phone with my mom and I asked mom if I could talk with the aid that walked in the room so I could ask how many incontance pads she has left in her restroom so I could buy some to bring them up to her..... the aid would not come to the phone, she made my mother tell me "we are not allowed to speak to her any more" .. I said mom what did she say? Could you ask her to repeat that please? I just need to know how many pads you have left mom? She is saying they are not allowed To speak to me? Omg ... so 12 days in and I, her only family who can share her medical basis, her personality, her little and great things wishes, her feelings etc that she has such trouble doing, I am bared from communication with her care aids. My mother has dementia and sever memory loss ... I'm not quite unsure how they expect her to communicate her needs to them enough to be Cared for. Our elders need genuine care, genuine advocates .. because even when a person such as myself, one who does control emotion, one who does know how to approach an issue with care and respect to achieve a warranted change, am bared from speaking .. then that decision coming from the facility curator is not for my mothers benefit, that seems to be clearly for theirs. Clearly. Now.. I sit at unrest, more decisions to make and zero trust in a facility, once again.

I still haven't quite got over the shock of being asked by the manager of a facility during the admission assessment: "if there should be an emergency while your mother is staying with us, would you want to be informed?" I blinked, and said yes, of *course* I would! She ticked that box on her form and quietly said: "you'd be surprised."

I still scratch my head at the thought of anyone's answering that question with "oh no, don't bother me about it. That's what you're paid for, isn't it?"

So I gather that facilities have problems with two sorts of families - those who won't let them do their job, and those who seriously don't care two hoots what happens to their "loved" ones. As with almost everything in life there is a happy mean to be found; but for me it's a sign of a good facility that families' and friends' input is encouraged - not least because it enriches the life of the whole resident community.

In addition to my other comments, I would suggest that family members visit their parent/loved ones in the nursing home for their own peace of mind. When you go there and see that your loved one is properly cared for, you will have more peace of mind. When you discover that something is out of order, you can inquire about it and get it corrected. As a général rule of thumb, think about what you would like to have done for yourself if you had to be in a nursing home. My mother was in three different nursing homes. I found that one common denominator is that they tend to be secretive. If you are polite and respectful to the CNAs and nurses, you will find that they share more information with you. If they know that your concern is genuine, they will do a better job for you and your parent/loved one. I also advise you to trust your gut. If something seems odd or wrong to you, trust that feeling. Your parent may not be able to tell you if someone who is supposed to give care is rough with him or her. Be observant. Keep good records of what you see and feel. In time, the picture will come into focus. My life as a caregiver is over now. My mother passed away a short time ago. I know that my fréquent visits made a différence in the care she received. I am grateful to the CNAs and nurses who were kind and attentive towards my mother. I could also tell which ones were kind because I could see how my mother reacted to them. Be attentive and trust your observations.

I disagree with the entire context of what you've written here, as if to somehow discourage family in general. Why would you ever set out to create such a public piece is beyond me. You may say "that is not my intention at all" but clearly you have written this as a caution to families to basically stay clear, watch your actions, and do not become an actual viable advocate for our elders but rather to learn to become a passive visitor... you have got to be kidding me. Do you even understand how many many facilities in many cases create walls and barriers to keep family (outsiders) from witnessing problems, they limit and bar and restrict to keep serious issues or potentially serious issues from being a serious issue for the facility... They (most facilities) wish to be left to operate as they see fit, they are not advocates for our elders, they are businesses that generate high profits and their focus is on those profits, and those "business goals" are most time not created for the happiness nor safety of their residents. You even mentioned "rarely is there a reason to visit daily." .. If I may ask, exactly who do you think you are. Any respecting facility, meaning one truly oriented twords the goal of creating a wonderful ending chapter of a humans life, would not only welcome family but invite them to help create a residents experience to be the best it can be... and need I remind you these facilities are being paid great amounts of money either privately or by Medicare/Medicade, to do exactly that, at least that's what these facilities claim they will do in their wonderful warm commercials and brochures that litter the televisions and mail boxes of our parents and grandparents. I am appalled at what you've written here... absolutely appalled. What I have experienced with my family member is an industry full of selfish motive and an extreme lacking of human understanding, much less compassion, and youre piece fits right in with the problem.

My mother has been in 3 different nursing homes. The current one is the best so far. My mother can advocate for herself a little. She can express what she likes or does not like. She can tell someone if something hurts her. But, she cannot operate the call button. She treats it like a toy and that becomes a nuisance. My advice to any siblings or children of nursing home résidents is to visit often and to stay there for a reasonable amount of time. Pay attention to how your family member is treated but also be aware of how other résidents are treated. There are excellent nurses and there are lady nurses. Spending time there will help you figure out which ones are doing a gréât job and which ones are barely doing their job. You will also be able to see how your relative reacts when some of those people enter the room. I can tell which ones are caring towards my mother and which ones are not by the way my mother acts when she sees them. If the staff knows that you are attentive to your relative, they will respect you and will do a better job. If they think you are indifférent, they may become careless. Please believe me when I tell you that there is a lot that goes on there that can be done in a careless way if the CNAs and nurses know that no family member or relative is ever coming to visit. Make sure that you visit often but not at the same time every day or even the same day of the week. Be friendly, kind, considerate and respectful of everyone. But, if you find something is wrong, make sure that you take action. Report it. Expect it to be corrected immediately. Advocate for your family member as you would want someone to do for you. The nurses and CNAs respect the family members who visit regularly. If they are doing their work properly, they should have nothing to fear from a family member. Attend care plan meetings. Ask questions. Roquets explanations and clarifications. Most of us who are the family of résidents are not médical professionals. We need clear explanations. If you are unable to get "straight answers" contact the nursing home administration. Do this until you receive clear, concise, sensible answers. If necessary, take it further. Contact your relative's physician, if necessary. Of course, be police. Explain your concern. Expect to be told the plan of corrective action. Do not allow your family member to be neglected by anyone in a nursing home. I have 15 years of expérience advocating for my parents. Trust your intuition. If something seems odd to you, trust your sensés. One more pièce of advice....if this is new to you, take notes, write them down and save them. You will never be able to remember what happened each day, what you saw, what someone said, etc. etc. etc. You will be surprised to learn that many nurses and CNAs do not wear name tags. You will see a parade of different people. The nurses and CNAs will change from day to day. So each day, you have to wonder if the people who are giving care actually know what your relative's needs are. All of this can be overwhelming.......I have learned most of this the hard way. I am a very trusting person. Some of the things that go on in a nursing home environment are very difficult to understand. There are very good recources available on the internet about care issues. Paying attention to those recources has helped me to ensure that my mother gets appropriate care. It has been an éducation for me.

BE INVOLVED! Do not think your loved one is being taken care of to "your standards". These workers are doing a "job". They have many requests. They ! have a horribly depressing job! They are under paid and under staffed! Ne there and help because you love them!!

Oops--there are typos on my last response----

So-- talk to residents and other visitors. Visit the common areas and see what is going on. Walk around the building and while doing so look inside rooms as you pass by them.

Sit somewhere and just watch and listen for a long time, too.

Yes, there is site where you can compare facilities--- but---that's all just a starting point for someone. the ratings and scores that facilities get still do not tell nearly enough about a facility. You truly must visit severs times at different times and days-/ and yslj to residents AND THEIR VISITORS

Medicare has a great site where you can compare nursing homes, see how many complaints have been made and the responses, etc. Check it out before placing your loved one Medicare.gov/nursinghomes

I couldn't agree more with all of your comments. How disturbing is it that this is going on all of the time and no one talks about it? People don't want to look at the ugliness in this industry. Someone needs to do a revealing expose on this industry. I implore anyone in the reporting/investigative industry to sit down with the family members who are there often and get a full earful as to what is truly going on.

My father has been in a seemingly good nursing home for 2 plus years. In that time I have witnessed many neglectful things both done to my father as well as other patients. The excuse is always "we are understaffed". Unfortunately, many nursing homes are being taken over by for -profit management companies whose main interests in the field is turning a profit. Many manage to skirt just under the radar of state requirements when it comes to staffing, food, personal hygiene. These staff members are severely overworked and though it is not their intention to neglect, it occurs as a symptom of this mismanagement. Me and my sibling have tried to talk to the state about these things, but, it sometimes seems as thiugh the state is not as interested in making changes until something tragic happens. Until then, the status quo is accepted as the norm. I am sorry to say. Until, for profits are taken out of this industry, these inadequacies will continue. In the interim, my sibling and I make it our business to be there on a daily basis to oversee this chaos. I pity the residents who do not have relatives who can help out more regularly.
In addition, I pity our generation of baby boomers who will take over these facilities in the next 20-30 years. God help us all!!!

I'm guilty of having been the "helicopter friend" who tried to 'get it all done' for my then significant other whenever I was there, probably out of guilt that I did not want to stay there all day. In my heart, I knew I was being a pain, and he died anyway. I wish I had been less of a nuisance.

I understand that care facilities are not the answer for everyone, I still have my mother at home with me after all! But if a family feels the need to micro manage every aspect of their loved one's day, if they feel the need to be there from sunrise to sunset every day, I can't help but wonder why they have their family in care at all? I am admittedly a control freak, but if the time comes when I can no longer provide the level of care my mother needs I will trust the staff at the nursing home to look after her. Will they do as good a job as I have? Of course not, because with me she has one on one care. Frequent visits and oversight are necessary, but if the care is so sub standard that you feel the need to always be there I think it is time to find a different care solution.

I agree with KD. The answer is 100% involvement with your loved one and the facility. My father had surgery November 2013 and never made it back home. He is now in his 5th facility. At the first one, we went Christmas Day to find him sitting naked in chair in urine and feces. CNA said he was fine at 1pm when she checked him, it was now after 5. He was hot to touch, they said temp was 98. We called ambulance to rush to hospital. Temp was really 103. Doc said facility lied about temp. Next day manager called me to accuse bothering nurses that day!!! Next facility, he fell out of be, rushed to hospital and got 10 stitches in head. Third facility had multiple infections, in/out hospital. Weight dropped 45 pounds, we got feeding tube during one hospital visit. We called state ombudsman who found nothing wrong. After next infection at hospital, went to 4th facility. Little better, some employees there 20years but still roaches in room, dropped pills on floor given to patients, no gloves on nurse when changed Ostomy bags. She actually told us the germs from the Ostomy will kill the germs on her hands!!! He then complained bad stomach ache, nurse told him gas from beans at lunch. Ambulance to hospital this time in 40 days, no eating, lost the 20 pounds he put back on, while docs finally decided blockage in intestine and did surgery. Of course now in 5th facility. We are very involved with meds, food, exercise. I do laundry, we bring snacks, take him on field trips, etc. Nurses turn other way when we arrive but THIS IS MY FATHER, not theirs. BTW when we ask ask about his care, we ask 'what would you do if this was YOUR father?'. Different answer every time. My husband and I visit almost every day, different times as to keep them on their toes and to check different shifts and so they get to know us. We both work full time so that keeps it very busy. I also call my father at least once each day. He is healthier now, plays bingo, goes to coffee hour and interacts with other residents. There are maybe 2 out of 10 employees who are golden and you get to know who is experienced. The others have a high turnover. Anyway hopes this helps someone else. Please be involved with your loved one because you can really make a difference.

Please read this knowing that the person writing this is not bitter about or generalizing about personal experience......I just want your eyes WIDE OPEN to what you might experience and what you must do to make your family's experience the best possible.....

How involved should a family be when elders live in a facility? The ONLY answer is-----100%!

Not being disrespectful, but author of this article does not seem knowledgeable enough about nursing homes in general to be writing a short article about elder care/ health care facilities ---EVERYONE who has someone they care about in a nursing home MUST be involved in order for their loved one to survive. NEVER should you worry about-- or care--that the employees at the facility won't like you there or won't like what you say. You have a responsibility to your loved one to see and then speak up about anything you want. Certainly, no matter how bad the situation, maintaining your composure will help your cause, but won't necessarily fix things. You have a right to tell them that you don't want specific "caregivers" to work with your loved one if you find someone to be unable to meet your loved one's needs.

After voicing your concerns, you MUST always put concerns in writing to the administration AND to the state licensing agency, even ones you feel might be "little things"--your concerns that repeat are especially important to send to the state licensing people.

Even when you do everything "right" it often falls on deaf ears because all too often the administration/ owner of the facility is the underlying cause of all that is wrong at that place. My family's experience with nursing home care has been horrible. We have seen so many people die because of the poor care-- inexperienced staff AT ALL LEVELS-- and staff afraid to speak up about poor work conditions (illegal staff/ patient ratios; rationing supplies, no personal attention to residents who cannot speak for themselves, etc). All of the nurses who we have gotten to know-- those we saw initially begin to work at the facility eager to comfort, knowledgeable about the expectations for a nurse working in a facility, ready to care for vulnerable people-- they became burned out and quickly realized that this type of environment was not something they could do anymore and they left. It was easier to just walk away and forget about what they experienced.

What I am saying is no exaggeration at all........so ....please visit often, at different times of the day including the middle of the night-- especially then-- especially if your loved one is unable to speak up for himself. Refuse anything you don't feel comfortable having for yourself. Insist on the minimum care, but certainly ask them to have compassion and concern for all of the residents and do more than the minimum as much as possible...........

.there truly is an absence of the "human touch" factor --whether it is because of employees who are only working in this field because it is an area where jobs are plentiful, or it is because a once-caring-person now sees there is not enough time because of intentional poor staffing ratios. Unfortunately, ombudsmen and state licensing agents are included in what I am saying.......they are understaffed and get burned out, too........

My family members and I wish we could make a difference for everyone who must live in nursing home facilities and we, too, voice our concerns about things we see with regard to other residents.

Look up who is the owner and employees of the facility-- and check public records for more information-- we found disturbing information about people this way. Unfortunately, even owners and administrators who have been found guilty of fraud in this industry are allowed to continue to work in this industry which is horrible. And, the facilities know roughly when to expect a visit for their annual "unannounced" visit and that's when put all employees on alert. The moment a licensing person is in the building, they scramble to get staffing to regulation often by putting nursing supervisors on the floor until they call people in to work. Somehow, even with government agencies in place that are supposed to help EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN CITIZEN who might be in a living situation like this, the system is alarmingly flawed.

Again, how involved should a family be when elders live in a facility? the ONLY answer is-----100%

again...I want to stress......you MUST be involved..think about what you would want someone to do for you and act accordingly.

Great article, thanks. Adding another view - family members should realize that there are some tasks the facility can't do. With laundry, for example it will be washed and returned to the room. But if a button is off or seam undone it will be returned to the room as is. Family should review all clothing from time to time. Ripped items need to be repaired or tossed and replaced. Nothing lasts forever. Personal items need to be brought to your loved one's room. Soaps, hand cream, tooth paste/brush etc. And hair brushes need to be washed and cleaned. When my MIL went into an AL I helped packed up her old place. But I bought a new hairbrush, tooth brush etc for her new place. Since then, I am the only one that has cleaned the hairbrush and replaced the tooth brush. (Did I mention the 3 daughters all living nearby?). When I noticed the stains on the solid shirts, I (quietly) began to deliver print tops that wouldn't highlight the spilled food.

At one point, I brought a pump bottle of anti bacterial cleanser to my Mom's room (memory care) , I put it out of her reach but in view of staff. I feel that family has to observe while at the facilities and try to 'shore up' the situation for their loved one. Some facilities ARE better than others. But NONE can do it all, so we need to help.

My mother is in the nursing home with dementia. A member of our family goes every night to put her to bed and it can be exhausting sometimes. We have found her completely wet, no sweater, no glasses, no socks or slippers. I try not to complain and I realize she isn't the only resident; however, I feel like aides tend to be lazy. Sometimes they forget wash clothes, towels, and/or out of gloves. I also know my mom can be difficult. I feel like the nursing home thinks I complain too much. It's very stressful.

This is good advice. An involved family is also important in gently monitoring the facility and assuring that a relative's needs are taken care of. With many residents to attend to nurses and aides may sometimes overlook a genuine need. Sad to say in my experience visiting my grandmother and mother, it seemed that many people seldom ever received family visitors.

As having been a patient in a nursing facility following my hip surgeries, I have to say it depends on the facilities as was in 2 different ones. One had wonderful food and you could order like in a restaurant and the other facility the food wasn't fit to eat. The good one had a shower for residents but the other one had a disgusting old bath tub and I only received one bath and shampoo a week. The bad one had medication errors on my medications every day. I am certified to give medications and I knew the difference. The bad facilities get rid of their older nurses who do a good job of passing medications and don't make med errors and are replacing them with younger ones who are faster at passing the medications and the medication errors are enormous.

I felt bad for my mother when my older half sister and half brother put her into a nursing home with promises that they would come take her home with them on weekends which seldom happened. I lived 4 hours away and worked 6 days on and 2 days off at a State Hospital. I went to see her when ever I got a weekend off and take her out to eat. It was kind of strange as I was the child she said she never wanted and yet I was the only one of 7 that was making an effort to see her as often as I could. I guess maybe I was still looking for her approval/ acceptance. The children she favored the most were the ones that really let her down, big time. Human nature is kind of strange.

I think it depends on the situation. My Dad and I took care of my Mom at home for 20 years. This was difficult for me because I lived 5 hours one way from them and spent a lot of time up and down the highway. So Mom was used to one or the other of us being around most all the time. Only until it became absolutely necessary she have 24 x 7 trained nursing staff did I finally convince my Dad to move the both of them to my home town. Dad lived with me, fixed him up a apartment at one end of my home. Admitted Mom to a facility only 5 miles from us. Every day I took him and he stayed with my Mom from around 11Am until 6 or 7 PM. They had been together 68 years. So when Dad passed couple of years ago I became the one to go. She has been there five and a half years. I do not go every day as he did, however I do go a minimum of 4 days a week and spend at least 4 or 5 hours with her. We spend a lot of time decorating her room and this she truly enjoys. By the way, she is paraplegic. I call Bingo every Wednesday and on Saturdays if the caller does not show up. I help with the Bingo Store set up monthly. I go get other residents and assist them to the Bingo games and Store and any other event going on. Mom likes the interaction and has a large group of friends. Of course they come and go as one would expect but we just continue on. Some say I go and do to much, but I do what I feel I want and need to do for My Mom. it brings us both JOY!! I don't regret one minute of time I have spent with her and I do feel the staff and activity Director appreciate me volunteering.
As I said in the beginning I think it depends on the situation and individuals.

Oh my God. I have witnessed the same things you have. There was a wandering man in my mom's facility. He liked to go into my mom's room. I had to put up a bar so he would not come in. Every time my mom fell, the nurse who called made the mistake of saying, "she was found on the floor". Not too smart. I cannot get anyone to cut my mom's fingernails because she has diabetes and the techs are not allowed to do it for fear of clipping her skin. So with her long nails she digs into her wounds. Finally I got the nail tech from the beauty salon to cut them. It only took a month of constant complaining. Her hair has not been cut either for one reason or another. Sometimes I think they all like to mess with me. So weird. They know what a pill I can be and will stop at nothing to get things done. They say my mom refuses to get her hair cut. Well, they could say they are taking her for a walk. She loves to do that. I think they do not want to bother. She is supposed to be on a diabetic diet but last week I saw her lunch which was breaded chicken nuggets and fried potatoes. Really? I told them to eat her on a no fat, no fried foods diet because now she has gallstones. The doctor said she cannot have surgery because the anesthesia will send her right to end stage Alzheimer's. That really puts me between a rock and a hard place. She either has a life ending gallbladder attack or sepsis from a rupture or she is in end stage from the anesthesia from having surgery to save her. Either way, I am screwed for making either decision. I just hope the strict diet works with no more pain until this other hellish disease takes her life.

ps, when i said found a man in a nursing home "nude in the bed next to my mother" I mean in the other bed in the room. Staff claimed he was confused and thought it was his room. Imagine how scared my mother was.

This article has some good points, but, as with most aspects of caregiving, this is a no win situation. Some facilities are better than others and if you are unfortunate to get into one of those less better ones, then you can't win. If you don't visit frequently your family member may be neglected. If you do visit and do things staff are supposed to do but are not and don't complain, then staff take advantage of you and come to expect you to do it. If you do complain, sometimes even in the nicest way (as described in the article) staff will resent you anyway. I may sound jaded but this comes from dealing with many hospitals, rehabs, nursing homes, assisted living facilities. You can have great staff members and then a few bad apples. I have witnessed medications mistakes, other patients falling out of bed and being ignored, coming in on several mornings and finding a confused woman trying to get into my mother's bed (and no staff around), another place, a strong younger (60's ) man was found by me nude in the bed next to my mother. And even after I complained, he was permitted to roam and I had to barricaid my mother's door until I had the state investigate. Residents not getting the proper meals for their restricted diet or no meals at all, residents who could not eat by themselves not having anyone helping them. Residents begging for someone to help them go to the bathroom. I don't post this to upset anyone with a family member in a facility where they can't visit. My other suggestion is to help your family member settle in. Stay as much as you feel necessary and as long as you want until the staff gets to know them, their needs and their routines, listen and observe quietly to what's going on with other patients/residents without family or other visitors. And I would be wary, unless you agree this is best due to the mental state of your family member and your relationship, of any facilitiy that tells you not to visit. Thank them for trying to relieve your burden but tell them in order to have peace of mind and it has nothing to do with them, you want to keep involved in your family member's care. Even in the best facilities it does't hurt to have an extra pair of eyes or two. Yes staff are overworked in some places but that's when you really need to pay attention. We all make mistakes but we need to try to do the best we can and if that means having to listen to a concerned family member who is upset, without taking it personally, then maybe facilities need to start training their staff to do. And my final suggestion if you are visiting and you see neglect or abuse of another resident, please anonymously report it to the elder abuse line in your state. that person may not have anyone else watching out for them.

I see my dad twice a week as well, but fortunately there is nothing that i have to do for him. I take him out to a park and for a drive, and bring him back and tuck him in for a nap or bring him to his table for a meal. The staff is excellent, they took extra time to talk to me in the beginning because they wanted to know what my dad's routine is and how he handles things.
I know that we are fortunate that everything has gone so well, but i also think conditions are improving constantly in nursing homes.
This is a great article, thank you for posting it!

If I did not visit twice a week, my parents would look like street urchins. I have to be their voices because my dad will not stick up for himself and my mother is in memory care with late stage Alzheimer's. The staff sees me coming and they all take off. They do not want to hear my wrath when my parents are being neglected. I go immediately to the director of each area involved and get things taken care of. I have gotten ombudsman involved once so they all know I mean business. I praise the staff when they do their job. I know to get things done I have to be respectful to them but if they do not follow through, I take action. Be sure to be advocates for your parent(s). They are the only parents you will ever have and they would do the same for you.