So, it’s 2021 now. Pretty sure my mother has dementia. Problem is, I’m still no contact, no matter what she does. I’ve heard 2 people mention, during the past day or so, one regarding another situation that, basically, when it’s family, you’ll never be let out of it.

My feeling is that this is so, if you’re speaking on emotional and societal terms. Most people, especially women, feel beholden. That it doesn’t matter if your family consists of the worst, most abusive people you’ve ever met. That you’re chained you them, embracing abuse and ultimately caring for them, lest you be shamed by society.

For some, it’s even the other way around, meaning that you may be a parent, with an adult child who remains dependent upon you and you keep working until death, to ensure they’re supported.

I guess, shamefully or not, I don’t subscribe to this frame of thought. I know there’s often financial dependence, as well. But, I do t subscribe to spending my precious life with people who I happen to share blood with, but are no friend to me and, in fact, are my worst enemies.

I also do t subscribe to the idea that, after someone is abusive to you that, oh, once they’re elderly and, perhaps, feeble, that I owe it to them to almost live in apology of my existence, by doubling down on terminating my life, in their interest.

So, while I feel pity for my mother’s state, the most I can do for her is to seek support I will have no hand in. If that means she is to become a ward of the state and her assets are seized in that effort, there’s really nothing I can do about that. Because I am WELL AWARE that there are VERY FEW people outside the small group of psychologists who are well versed in NPD, great aren’t waiting, with baited breath, for me to be the abused and dutiful daughter, who will fold up my own life, relinquish livelihood, health, healthcare and retirement, in the interest of someone who, given any cognizance, would enjoy the destruction.

I am going to be 61 in about 4 wks. My mother, a server Narcissist lives with me and until 1.5 yrs ago my daughter. I have a sister 6 years older who was killed in a car accident 2006, 1 year after our Father died unexpectedly after heart surgery. My mother has work on Destroying her Family her Entire married life and continues to this day, she now resorts to threaten me with calling police on me, to get me out of my own house. She has done it before years ago. My Father left her when i was 15, she lied to everyone they knew, called his work making up things to ppl he worked with. She does scar me as she is believable, if you don't know her! My daughter has said she'll come back if i need to call social services due to my mother behavior and her lack of caring for her cleanliness! She screams at me me if i tell her to get a shower, to get out, of my house i i don't like it. Its my house not her's, she cannot accept I have something. She enjoys seeing her children lose everything thay have had. Its happened to myself twice and my sister. Nother lights her up with joy more than seeing someone in her family suffer! I still see it on her face when i tell her how hurtful and destructive she is to her family. She actually has a smile on her face. The only advice i have for anyone living with an actual Narcissist is, run the opposite direction! And never come back. Of course for most you can't do that if its a parent. At least I cannot. I think my Father would be disappointed with me. If it were not for him I probably would be a destructive Narcissist like my mother. He did move back in the home when i was 15, he could not leave his kids alone with our mother. Thank god he did. But it took a great toll on him. Dead at 72.

Valerie,
How did your text go over with your mom?
My mom has a lot of narcissistic traits. Words and reasoning rarely work with her unless my msg is matteroffact and to the point. It's still followed 99% of the time by I want to die, et al laments. She lives with us now (since October '19) after a stroke and losing her independence a year ago July. We had a pretty good relationship before that, until I became the person I wanted to be and not the person she always wanted me to be. I've never applied narcissism to her until the past five or so years, but always guilt tripping us, manipulating, tricking to get her way, to down right demanding this and that. Never mean or nasty (until the stroke), but very selfish and what I would term a spoiled child. It's difficult to see now because I remember her as a very loving and caring mom growing up. But it was also her way of controlling us.

Anyhow, talking and rationalizing with her now is difficult and frustrating. So, here's a few things I've learned since dealing with my mom the 6 weeks I left my family to try to care for her across the country and forcibly moving her into our home:
1, just leave, hang up or otherwise not engage whenever she exhibits unwanted behavior. Following the tenent that we teach people how to treat us by allowing them to crap on us or not. I deal with mom on my terms, not hers. She's always safe.
2, sometimes less is more, esp conversation and listening to the rants, negativity, criticism and demands. Yes, I've worn earplugs around her. I've even said things like, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you were saying because I have my earplugs in." I don't ask her to repeat what she said; I just look at her silently. Most of the time, she doesn't bother.
3, I've also refused to continue unproductive conversations or just said uh huh or ok or sure, then finished what needs doing and walk away.
4, I don't jump when summoned. I make her wait. She wanted a bell by her beside long ago when she would visit (oh, and everytime she visited in the past 25 years or we visited her, she always took ill, refused to call a doctor, and then would wait until 2am and insist on going to the hospital. She even pulled this the week of my son's wedding in 2018, and by then, I had her number and just told her quite frankly that I'm not taking her to the ER and this week is ALL about my son and future DIL; if she's that sick, she has a phone and can call 911, but we won't be going with her or making any special arrangements to get her out of the hospital and to the wedding." About the bells, I had a little collection in my curio that we promptly packed up or placed out of sight. When I unpacked her things her, all her bells went into storage. No bells!! But she has her phone and my number is on speed dial. This was the hardest thing my mom has to learn and if I slack up on my end, we start the training all over, but she gets it faster now. Even if I am doing absolutely nothing when she calls or she's about to pee herself (btw, she CAN get to the bathroom without me), I make her wait. I always say things like, in a minute or when I'm finished with blah blah. It's harder when we're in the same room and she can see me. Then, I just take my time and work purposefully. Don't jump.
4, redirect the conversation if it's productive.
5. rat her out to her doctors. I rat my mom out all the time. I have POA for everything, including health care, so that makes it easier for me.
6, just tell it like it is. Last cardio visit my mom got some crappy news. however, she refuses to do things doctors are highly recommending. So, in front of the dr, I said, Well Mom, it's really about choosing how you want to die. Your choices now will effect whether you go in your sleep, end up asfixating to death or have another stroke, which won't kill you btw.
I also told her I respect her right to do nothing and refuse medications, so I need her to sign legal documents to that effect.
I could go on

ADVICE: I’m almost 60 and have just now started setting boundaries w my mother. I know everyone here has been made to feel worthless as a child and belittled and gaslighted as an adult. Very painful!
my question is that after her last screaming ridiculous phone call, I texted that I know she wants me to call, show concern, help as she ages—I texted that I can’t meet those expectations until communications are healthy and respectful. I’m hoping that now I’ve spelled it out, her need for help (I’m an only child and no one else will even be around her) might outweigh her need to hurt me.

can anyone share how their similar situation worked or advice on how to make them shut up with their garbage.

Myownlife....just read your response and yes our situations are similar...there are probably millions of us on this type of runaway train. Sometimes they can sense when you need to free yourself and they will push your buttons all the more. The sad reality is that narcissistic parents view their children even when we become adults as something that belongs to them to control, abuse and use. Some of these personality types even deliberately put themselves in poor health by eating foods they know they shouldn’t, drinking, smoking or using drugs. Also another self destructive behavior is Hoarding which makes their adult child’s life a living hell. Then they become ill and lay the full brunt of their miserable lives upon their family while feeding off the chaos, turmoil and hardships their self destructive behavior creates. They indirectly take your livelihood and then berate, insult and are uncooperative while getting care and relishing in your misery. As soon as you are able take your life back. The Xanax is a vice and your Dr is right...I have a glass of wine here and there and drink lots of “Water”. At least six 8 ounce glasses per day. It will ward off the toxicity of the stress which is known to create cancer and other diseases. They like it when you get sick (sad to say) and then they become even more demanding almost as if to wear you down. Just be cool, make sure care is properly provided. Try not to anticipate when the nightmare will be over and just quietly put things in place to free yourself before you burn out completely. I hope you have a great time when you go out with your daughter and try not to mentally bring your caregiving with you. Enjoy the music, the food, the atmosphere, your daughter and her companion and most of all....time to yourself when you can. Hang in there and wishing you and everyone in this situation the best.

Texasgal, Your words "I don't plan to keep letting her live with me. In a year and a half we've had 3 big blowups causing her to not speak to me for 3-5 days. So silly and immature. Why?? Because I refuse to let her disrespect me in my home anymore! " Wow, that is so, how I feel!!! We've had 2 in the last few months, and I am tired of having to walk on eggshells around her, etc.

Clarity.... you are so right! Almost identical situation....BUT, I just saw your article so I couldn't READ YOUR LIPS in time !!! :) I am biding my time, and between my job and my mom living with me... my anxiety level is off the charts much of the time. (And my dr. is mad about my use of Xanax, to boot!). He has absolutely no idea what it is like living with her. I could take retirement in a couple of years and may do that even if I have to move into a ONE-bedroom (read... NO EXTRA ROOM) place. I try to take it one day at a time. And oh boy, tomorrow is Saturday, and my daughter and her boyfriend invited me out for a late afternoon supper, music, on the water, and a beer and a burger!!!

seven13 has described life from childhood to adulthood with a narcissistic parent, To A Tee. I didn’t find out until my 50’s a name for what I have endured all my life (narcissism) and now everything I went through makes sad sense. Let me say this...if your narcissistic parent becomes very ill, you decide on the level of care you feel most comfortable with. I highly recommend to be their Care Advocate and place them either in a assisted living community or a skilled nursing facility. Read my lips “”DO NOT BRING THEM INTO YOUR HOME”” It is a nightmare...The abuse becomes no holds bar while your waiting on them hand foot ass and elbow! If they are limited financially apply for Medicaid. If they are holding an inheritance over your head forget about that and remove yourself from their toxicity. Your health and peace of mind are priceless. If you feel bitter and resentful about being trapped in their abusive sneer then do something about it while making sure they get the care they need. Be happy and enjoy your life and don’t allow the resentment and misery consume you. Why should you have to carry the cross of another just because they are a parent and an abusive one at that. It took me a half century to learn but hey, better late than never. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU. My Aunt used to tell me that and she is right .

mitzipinki.... "People were really bothered when I used to say I would never miss my mother when she was gone, but its the truth and she died 4 years ago, and I don't miss her one iota. That was her loss, not mine. "

Same for me.... only I have kept it to myself and shared with this forum, but I feel exactly the same way.

Texasgal .... "She's jealous, and actually seems to compete with me. I never understood it until I stumbled upon an article regarding Narcissistic Mothers. She fit almost every description. I finally realized I was not a disappointment and I am quite accomplished. I'm a single homeowner - home paid for - and have a long tenured career. With full benefits after retirement - and still working. And my friends love me - my co-workers think I'm great and I know I'm a good person. "

Wow, so similar to my situation!

The above article describes exactly what I as a caregiver am facing on a daily basis. The type of minipulation tactics are sometimes scary. Such as when my mom says “I’m going to kill myself and blame it on you.”
Or today, “I’m nice to you, then you hit my face.” I have seen her hit her own face in anger. I have some relief when professional caregivers come for 4 hr periods every other day but she yells at them, threatens to throw the lunch they’ve made on the floor. She doesn’t want any help of any kind saying it’s my daughter’s job to do it. If it’s not perfect to her satisfaction she won’t eat what is made. I grew up with being yelled at all the time, saying I’m not good enough, etc. Now that dementia has set in, it seems to get magnified. What is amazing though is that when she is among doctors, she is on her best behavior and is even humorous and entertaining. They always comment how cute my mom is. Selective personality to fit the situation.

Fascinating article. The comments broke my heart and opened my eyes! Hugs go out to each of you. You are awesome people who should be hugged and loved because you are fearfully & wonderfully made!
I always knew my family was "different" but didn't understand why. I am the oldest of 4 children: 1 sister, 2 brothers each born 15 months or so apart. I was always the scapegoat child. No matter what went wrong it was my fault. I was punished for things the other kids did. At times it seemed they did things on purpose to watch my mom slap or kick me or verbally abuse me. I was always afraid. Checking my mom's mood before speaking to her. I was changing diapers at age 5, babysitting the others at 6 y/o. Doing chores around the house. My mom was always mad at me for something! No hugs or kisses or compassion from her. Just drive by slaps, kicks, name calling. I tried very hard to be perfect and good enough to be accepted by her but I never was. I was sexually abused by her father and teenaged brother from early childhood. I didn't know it was wrong of them. When I was 5 y/o I mentioned them taking naked photos of me. My mom went insane ballistic. I was a liar, no good, bad etc. When my dad found out he told my grandfather if it ever happened again he would kill him! The abuse didn't stop, no one was killed, and I was labeled the "liar." No matter how many times I told the truth to teachers, neighbors, friends, my mom would deflect inquiry by saying I was the worst liar and they were working hard to get me straightened out. Favorite mom sayings: you would be so pretty if (fill in the blank with an impossible task); I love you because you're my child but I don't like you; I would never pick you to be my child.
Long story short I have no pleasant memories of my childhood, my mom or other family members. I was miserable, lonely and felt worthless. I must be really bad to be treated so differently than my siblings, right??
Fast forward 20 years and I married a cute, funny man that everyone just loved and it turned out that I had to jump through hoops to get his approval and attention once the honeymoon was over. Luckily he traveled a lot with his work. The kids and I had good lives when Daddy wasn't home. I was miserable when he was home.
Fast forward another 35 years and my mom is a sad, befuddled former alcoholic with dementia living in an ALF. My husband has a laundry list of ailments contributing to his dementia. While he still lives at home, he recently began weekly adult daycare. His favorite get out of jail free phrase through all the decades of hurt and disdain: But you know I love you! Actually d*#n it, I don't know you love me!!! I am the only caregiver for each of them.
I didn't know this was going to be a rant. Guess it just needed to be said. Thanks to each of you for listening. Hugs all around to the circle of caregivers who weren't the care receivers but who keep giving anyway!

Not sure what this article has said that is supposed to help us contend with them, we all need self care, etc., yet, when we are raised to be downtrodden replicas of our parents and then they get old and start calling the police with false accusations just to get you to tow the line..and I do mean just to get you to take their emotional game playing abuses, as in...yelling back at a parent that lies to you day and night, then you have no choice but to walk away and keep your reputation and your sanity in tact. Worse is when these parents get your sisters and brothers to hate you because she or he (the parent) loves to triangulate. Learning to become emotionally dead helps, that is how my siblings do it. They are dead from the heart up. I on the other hand, got the worst of it being first born and having to wipe her as a 10 year old while changing the diaper of her youngest child. Keeping the house clean to avoid hearing the shrills of the banshee ....and to make my parents marriage more ideal by cooking dinner by age 12 every night. Dinner meant, less fighting. Less fighting meant, more time to rest our little heads and allow our hearts to repair from the last bout of idiocy.

Reading through all these comments there are apparently a lot of narcissistic parents out there. And it is very difficult to be their caregiver! I've moved my NM back in with me for the 3rd time - I'm exhausted! This Mother's Day is going to be interesting since I will be seeing both of my brothers. And we are going to talk! I don't plan to keep letting her live with me. In a year and a half we've had 3 big blowups causing her to not speak to me for 3-5 days. So silly and immature. Why?? Because I refuse to let her disrespect me in my home anymore! It's all about her - ALL THE TIME! Even when I try and tell her about a somewhat serious diagnosis I received - she didn't whimper a word. I asked her if she heard me - "yea I heard you"...well you didn't freaking respond!

I'm tired of giving up my freedom, privacy and PEACE! Life is too short. I'm actually mad at myself for allowing her to manipulate me all these years. I was always trying to win her approval, love, etc. I finally realized all I was - - was a pawn in her selfish game. She only did things for me when she was the one that would prosper in the end. I've been accused of everything - I bark at her, I try and tell her what to do, I could get picked up for elder abuse...etc., etc. All lies of course. I've almost bit my tongue OFF trying to keep the peace. And I'm tired of turning the other cheek. I grew up in an alcoholic household - my father. He wasn't a bad man but had a horrible temper when he drank. So that and dealing with her caused me tremendous anxiety and depression when I was younger. I never had much self-confidence even though I excelled at sports, was told I was very pretty and was smart. If I ever received a compliment - in front of her - she would undermine it. I now know - SHE IS THE PROBLEM!

She's jealous, and actually seems to compete with me. I never understood it until I stumbled upon an article regarding Narcissistic Mothers. She fit almost every description. I finally realized I was not a disappointment and I am quite accomplished. I'm a single homeowner - home paid for - and have a long tenured career. With full benefits after retirement - and still working. And my friends love me - my co-workers think I'm great and I know I'm a good person.

So everyone hang in there and good luck! God bless all the caretakers. And this forum is great for venting - a real life saver!

My NPD mother and I are entering a new phase. She is 91, wheel chair bound, in a wonderful assisted living care facility. Experiencing some dementia. I have been her target for years and years - blaming, initiating arguments, accusing. I had to take over her finances about 10 years ago - my father left her in good financial condition. She bought expensive cars (cash), jewelry, got involved in a number of "get rich quick schemes" and was befriended by a young clever man who convinced her she was more of a mother to him than his own mother. He got thousands and thousands of dollars from here before I figured it out and intervened.
Now I basically have enough of her money to maintain her excellent care for the duration of her life. She wants MONEY. She has no need for money where she is and I bring her everything she requests. I took her $50.00, a ten and two twenties. In 3 days she had given it all to her caregivers, who have strict instructions to return it to the director, and the caregivers did. She is sweet and loving to them, calls them sweetheart and tells them how much she loves them. Yesterday she was in a particularly venomous mood - told me I am stealing her money - that I gave her $25.00 that she bought sodas and treats with (not) and that she wants more money. What do I do?? She doesn't have extra money to give to caregivers - her case is over $5100.00 per month.
I'm wondering if I should talk to the social worker. My mother is a very convincing and clever liar. Do I need to explain to someone that she is a long time narcissist, that she is becoming increasing angry and hurtful toward me because she is loosing her ability to manipulate and control. All I want to do is keep her safe and content for the duration of her life. She is late stage COPD and on hospice.
She is "mad at me" within minutes of entering her room. I almost think she would be more content with NO visits from me.
Any advice is appreciated.

I am supervising the care of my long term narcissistic 91 year old mother. Now in assisted living. Some dimentia, wheel chair bound, severe COPD. I have been her target for most of my life. I am also her only family. She is loosing her power to manipulate and control - the result of that being she is mad at me all the time and loves to tell me all my shortcomings. I have a good understanding of her and have done a lot of counseling in order to take care of myself. All I want to do is keep her as content and safe as possible. I am as detached as I can be. Short visits daily, in touch with the staff about her needs and care.
I will not engage with her when she starts to berate me and becomes angry. I just excuse myself and leave.
Any suggests to diffuse this?? I’m worried if she can’t get the validation she needs by berating me, she’ll start on a staff member. She’s in a wonderful care situation and I do NOT want to move her!
Thoughts??

I like the advice regarding narc parents on YT better.

My mother and I were EXTREMELY tight for decades. I was, for sure, the golden child. But, due to some recent events which led to me recalling some older evidence, I can see that her mask is slipping, which has caused me to understand who she is.

She’s asked for a lot of money recently. I’ve lent her some (I made her sign a legally-binding contract). She has some memory loss but, some is simply denial. Certain things stick in her mind like GLUE. Other things? It’s as if she can’t recall them, even if she handled them daily, weekly or monthly.

Understand that, if things hadn’t changed so abruptly , there’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for her. But, the constant neediness that has evolved into a NIGHTMARE recently? I actually don’t know what people are talking about when they call an elderly parent’s children their caregivers.

I have a job and I am trying to still recover from the recession. Unfortunately, parent care does not cut into or replace that. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. The idea that one can dump a good portion of a generation out of work for many years and, then, tell them that they have to be further compromised by being a caregiver is going to fall on a lot of deaf ears. So many are stuck in the contract job with no retirement benefits trench, caregiving will never be an issue for their parents - nor them...

I wish my mother well and will likely maintain low contact, unless I can escape with no contact. But, I’m not going under the bus with her. I am a strong personality and there is no such thing as, “Well, I guess you’re going to have to relegate yourself to some abuse.” That’s what many have a job for, is to be abused. The idea of, “You can’t change them. You can only change yourself.” Totally agree. You can change your location and be somewhere else.

I may be late to the discussion but I am going to try. My Mother is the absolute worst I have much compassion and sympathy or empathy as she was raised in a home that we know very little about as everything was or is a secret and we know your only as sick as your secrets one example my Grandfather got my aunt(Moms sister pregnant twice) I am 50 and just found out recently that my Grandfather was a serial sex offender. I cant imagine what my mom and her siblings went through , my mom is 79 and has never seen a therapist to address this problem so she is a 3 year old. My step dad has been her slave for a long time, but he shattered his elbow and I am staying with them to help but my mother has to make everyday about her. Step dad is unable to do anything so my focus is on him as there is not one thing physically wrong with my mother , but she is so messed up she claimed my step dad and I are against her and she feels "Left Out" reminding me of the type of argument a kid would make she actually called her friend to tell her this. She claims she has a very bad form of Candida/who knows ( I am not referring to typical yeast infection) the AMA does not recognize this yet she claims it the sole reason for all of her behavioral dysfunction makes her act this way totally ignoring the facts of her life and ridding herself of responibilty for harping on everyone (its the candida she claims) this is what she hangs her hat on and is unwilling to do anything to help herself or anyone else It is very important to her that we BELIEVE she has this phenomena as opposed to her doing something about, we have spent thousands on different types of programs to deal with her Candida, she is UNWILLING . (she claims whatever cures there are will make her sick which she claims she is already so idk) and I am out of patients and ideas and am beat down.

Well, I wasn't blessed with children. I am a 69 year old male taking care of my wife who is 68. She is narcissistic about her last borne son. He is 40 years and I am glad he is not mine. He is in jail where he belongs. But call all the time wanting her money or has his girlfriend call.
She may not be able to cook, pay bills ,do laundry. but that is nothing as to the trouble he causes in or out of jail. When he is out of jail I can not keep him away from his mother by law. All he comes over here is to steel .
My wife has enough since as to know she will be lost with out me.
The Elder Abuse Law is a joke. My step son has been in jail two months of the five he was given. I believe he cost as much as if he were out of jail. He tell her they do not feed him in jail. Then I have to put up with all of that . So count your blessings

This is what I think that my 89-year old father has had all of his life, but has gotten even worse with aging. It is very difficult when you live with narcissists, and I do agree that if it is at all possible, the best thing would be to distance yourself from them- remove yourself from the situation.

I wish I could, but due to legalities I don't feel like I have that option. I avoid my father as much as possible, but it certainly is stressful. Right now, I would like to go get another cup of coffee and make some breakfast, but that would mean I would have to deal with his narcissism. I have been desperately trying to find someone to help, such as an advisor, case worker...ANYONE...but so far I have gotten nowhere. I think that this is insane because thanks to those of us in this situation, a lot of $$$ is saved by avoiding the need for Medicaid. We deserve to have more resources available to help us deal with these extremely stressful situations.

I have a stepson that feels he is always right. I can be doing something he knows nothing about but he will say I am doing it wrong. I have a good retirement and he feels like it belongs to him. He will take all of his mother's money and think nothing of it.

Thank you to everyone out there--your words mean a lot and are so very helpful. I'm so glad we discovered this site. In the face of this ongoing nightmare, where no-one seems to be on our side, it's good to know we have somewhere to turn where we're understood, and that we know we're not alone.

I understand and know it is very hard. We see others here who have mentally ill parents who are being told that they are competent and can make their own decisions even if those decisions are very much not in their own interests. The system really fails by not helping them. It sounds like she needed to be taken to hospital voluntarily or otherwise and given a neuropsych evaluation and kept for treatment. There are meds which help a great deal. She probably needs supervision as she would not comply with taking meds regularly. I went through this with my mother and finally after a year in a geriatric psych hospital under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist she agreed to the medication and is in an ALF and is much better. But I am in Canada and there was a community psychiatrist who played a key role. Wishing you all the best. I respect your decision to protect yourselves. Sometimes there are no good answers.

My sister contacted the agency that was providing our parents' 24/7 care because we didn't know if there was still an aide there. There isn't, because the directors of the agency visited them on Friday & my mother screamed at them. They returned Monday & she resumed her raving & screaming ( we can only imagine the abuse she dealt out) at both the directors and the side. She told the main director of the agency to get out & to take the side with him. So they have no help in their home, which the VNA have repeatedly said is a necessity. Elderly Protective Services is involved, but the caseworker has found our mother to be "of sound mind and oriented", therefore she's capable of making her own decisions and it sounds like we're out of options--one of which was to have her declared incompetent so that someone else would have the authority to get them the help they need. Hearing how she treated the people from the agency has cemented our resolve to stay away, but we can't help feeling sick over the whole mess. One thing we've learned is that there's no help for people in our situation, which doesn't do any good for the parents in need of care who are too stubborn to accept it.

SooDoo I am totally with you. I had the same situation and now now I longer have anything to do with my mother - I should have stepped away from her years ago!

Stay away from abusive people as much as is humanly possible, and feel no guilt for it. None! People can choose to be cruel for all kinds of reasons, none of them are your fault. It's not only acceptable, it is sometimes necessary to keep a healthy distance from those people.

I will validate your need to protect yourselves. I understand it well.

Our mother's been saying she wants to die for a few years now. The only "help" we've gotten from the hospital & the nursing home is the suggestion that she see a psychiatrist, which she's made clear she won't do. She's said to my sister & I, right to our faces, that we're "worthless" & has voiced her idea that we should give up our lives to care for her & our father, even though we've made it clear it's not an option--ability-wise, financially, & our willingness. Even if she had been a kind & loving mother when we were young it would still be something we're not equipped to do.

My sister & I have decided not to visit our 83 year old mother & our father, who has dementia. For about 3 years she's been either ignoring or belittling/berating our father (he's been her enabler our entire lives--he wouldn't EVER stand up to her, so she gained more & more power). They've been forced into having hired 24/7 in-home care. The aides who've been there love our father, but our mother treats them HORRIBLY; insulting them in the worst ways, screaming at them, etc. She treats my sister & I pretty much the same way, and after MANY attempts, we have finally decided that enough is enough. We aren't monsters, so naturally we're sick with worry/guilt/whatever, even though we were told by two professionals that we should distance ourselves due to her verbal abuse & incessant negativity that we could do nothing to assuage. I guess I'm looking for some kind of validation that my sister & I are doing the right thing. Feel free to ask if you want to comment, but would like more details. Thank you, everyone here--we thought we were alone.

Hope you are coping Megan. I have the same situation. I find it very hard to cope , sometimes to the point of breakdown. This is the hardest time of my life . My mother just churned out kids no hugs , wiping away tears , encouraging , supporting , laughing with. It was just me me me me aided my my weak father . How any one can be expected to care now is beyond me . The strange things is that it's always the soft kind sibling that ends up doing it as the others run a mile long before . Then they don't speak to you for asking them for help.
Hugs to all in this situation x