It's so easy to cross the line from helping to hindering, even though that is never our intention.

This article is so helpful! I struggled with this over the last 5 years with my Dad. A former Marine who fought in Korea, he hardly asked or 'needed" help from his daughter. He had a bias about women that extended even to me his only child. He was mentally sharp to the end of his life this past December. It's a delicate balance which is different for everyone. Keep your parents' ultimate health and wellness as the top priority and persist. They need you!

Kedwards, Sorry to hear your mom is losing her independence due to her having PD n by reading it is taking a toll on you too. Of course, a lot us caregivers r consider the villain. I guess because we r the ones that r around them most of the time so it may seem as we r taking away their independence instead of them seeing we r actually trying to just help. I think this is one of the hardest for me to accept for I wander how can they not see what we r trying to do for them. However, it is the sickness that has taking over their Independence n all we can do is be their for them until we cannot do any more or until you feel like you cannot do anymore. I hear n feel ya about it would be nice to win that big time lottery. However, that will be a very long shot so all we can do is keep on trucking n do the best we can for we r only human. Not sure about your mom financial status but if she is on medicare or medicaid maybe u can check out n see if you can have someone come out to the house n help with your mom, for that may give u a little break? hang in their n keep us posted on how you r doing.

When I first came to live iwth my mom and be her caregiver both of us had more independence. She was still able to move about (although with growing difficulty) and I didn't have to have home care lined up if I was leaving the house for more than and hour or two. She could do her bills and write her checks; Her handwriting had changed and she'd gotten shakier due to PD but she was still in charge. Now fast fwd to today 3 yrs later. She can't go to the bathroom w/o help. She cannot stand without assistance at all and only for brief periods of time. She adds instead of subtracts or vice versa with the checkbook so she had to give that up. She was also accidently or misplacing bills or sending bills in minus the checks. Her hands have lost so much dexerity due to PD that she can't put her pills in her pill case like she used to. I HAD to take over but certainly wished it hadn't come to this but if I wonder why -- I guess I'll have to ask the great Almighty when and if I ever meet him. Mom vacillates btw being grateful to being hostile to me having to do everything. Trust me, if I won the big time lotto jackpot , I wouldn't BE doing everything. I love my mom but our relatiionship has changed so much and this caregiving has changed me. I don't even find myself that fascinating so to become involved in every aspect of another person's life is beyond me. But I'm doing -- for now.

I was allowing r mnl to wash the dishes and to our surprise they were not very clean so I think her eye sight is not as clear as it use to be when she was younger. Now, I let her help me with the dishes except, I wash them and I let her rinse them and that way I can make sure the dishes are rinse good too. That way we are helping each other and it helps her feel needed in the house as a family.

Diylnn, is their not someone at the assistant living that will help your mom with the laundry so you are not stuck with it? I really like the idea that you have seperate accounts for your mom.

I have taken over doing a lot of tasks for my Mom. Mom is in assisted living and I help her alot. I pay her bills, which isn't a problem for her, she has 2 checking accounts. One we keep money in for her to go shopping on on trips with, and 1 that I keep to pay the monthly bills with. This way I know we alway have $ to take care of the bills.

But when it comes down to the laundry or washing dishes. She can do these things on her own. But she doesn't do the laundry, she waits for me to come an do it and then alway askes if I need help. I need to remember to let her help. For me it is faster if I do it myself, but I also know that she needs to help. I have stopped washing the dishes and will only do them when the pile in the sink gets to large.
This is a good articale. I need to share it with my Kids, some day they will be in this boat.

KNicolini, My husband and I were in the same boat with my mnl and the so-called kin was supposed to be just helping her out such as take her to the store or doctor or just visit. In the process, she had nml IRA account dry within 2-3 years and started draining her little checking acount for insuficient fund notices were coming to our address which was her old address and we had to take action. Of course the mnl thinks she is just great and she could never do that to her.

My 91 yr old mother has not had a bath or shower since July or August 2011. She
is extremely modest to have her "old wrinkly body" exposed to anyone. A new caregiver can give baths. How do we gently convince mom to allow this?

I am dealing witht the difficult situation of being appointed conservator (after initiating involuntary conservator filing). My parent was being taken advantage of by another family member. I am learning a too common problem. I wish there was more information on how to work with parents with dementia when it reaches this point. It can happen within weeks of learning about the depth of the explolitation.

Sorry about typos...touch and go. ...think it was supposed to be helped her..

Good article. Did most of these at the time I started caring for my parents. Had to learn via tough and go..what mom can and cannot do. So she does her laundry..writes her checks..takes care of herself in many ways. She loads dishwasher.. She takes care of breakfast for her and dad. All these things she is still able to do and has myeloid her to feel independent. Kudos ..