What a great article! As someone stated earlier, it is interesting how you learn some of these techniques during your experience. Answering the same question over and over might agitate a caregiver but as the article states the older person has no control over their fears and anxiety. Someone on another post suggested a large poster board with current information e.g. Day, date, what's for lunch, who's planning a visit and when. Maybe a few photo albums nearby would bring pleasure and occupy the mind. Whatever works and sometimes it is trial and error. As far as bathroom issues, no one wants to burden someone for something that have done on their own since childhood. They have no control over their aging bodies and in most cases lack the sense they used to have. They have lost control of their own lives and making decisions for themselves. Just like little children, they count on use to comfort their fears and keep them safe...with patience.

I think that rather than "Solution" the expression should be "Suggestion". I have always had a problem with "One size fits all" solutions to problems. These do not apply to everyone in every situation. If I am performing some mindless task like cleaning or putting away laundry then answering repeated questions is easy. Try that while you are paying bills or trying to make appointments for doctors etc. You have to admit to yourself that sometimes you just can't play the game and you will become frustrated and angry. With a lot of help from our wonderful children I have made the transition from full time caregiver to adult day care to an in home health aide. Not everyone can do that for a variety of reasons. So to blithely label something as a "solution" just demeans the caregivers who are unable to implement that "advice".

mariesmom and rstkot I am sorry that you lost your loved ones. So glad you are both still reading and posting here. This site has given me much more than good info and a place to vent, and a chance to hopefully make it easier for someone else , it's taught me that there are Angels on earth.

Sorry for your loss.
I have also learned that education is a key that can help with the understanding of AD n how to deal with certain situations as they arise. Sometimes it just good to step out from the room n take a breather. I also try to remember that its not the mnl fault yet rather the disease. It can sometimes be the tone of your voice or actions that can set off negativity as well. I try to start each new day in a positive mindset so that it will be easier for both me the caregiver n the mnl. What is the old saying, "You can catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar."

After reading this I realize that I learned all of these things along the way. I find myself telling people who I know are dealing with these problems, to use the same type of solutions. There is a quote not sure by who ......The are no problems only solutions! What I think this means is...it all depends on how you look at things. I said to Mom one day as she was eating ice cream "Oh... you need a napkin your dribbling on your shirt." She said "I am not worried about my shirt, I am just upset that It's on my shirt and not in my mouth, what a waist of good ice cream!" So instead of getting a napkin I got her more ice cream. This is a cute example of what's important to her and how I handled it just to please her. No this wasn't a huge problem, but, I could have made a big fuss over the mess instead I chose to just ignore the harmless mess and let her be happy in that moment. Now whenever I see a food stain on her shirt I think she enjoyed her food and I smile inside, or I try to guess by the evidence on her shirt what she ate.
I used to get frustrated when she'd come out from putting her clothes on and she had her bra on top of her shirt or two pairs of pants on, or take her clothes off to just put the same clothes back on instead of the new clothes. So I would take her old clothes out of the room before I gave her the new and then I'd hand her one article off clothing at a time, and check if each item was on properly, before the next was put on. She got used to that routine after a while. See instead of going through an annoying frustrating situation every day. I created a new and possible way of getting her dressed without taking away her dignity or Independence.

My mom has been gone for a little over a year. While I was caring for her the past 3yrs, often thought of the things I was missing in my life. Like sleep, work, grand kids and so on. Now that she's gone I realize I miss her a lot more than any of the things I thought I was missing.

I meant, 24/7 AZ care for someone the mnl.

I am pretty open minded and try to keep a positive mindset, but their r times when I cannot and I will raise my voice toward my mnl. For example, she had an appointment with the doctor and I asked her she needed to take a bath for it had been a month since her last and she tell me that she washed off. I asked where is the wet rag that she used and she told me she used a paper towel. I asked where is the wet paper towel and for some reason their not a wet one in site. Why would she lie to me? However, I do catch myself eventhough its too late for I have already outbursted. I then walk away a few minuets to catch myself and try to explain again in a soft tone how its important to bath and it goes no where with her. Now let me tell u that the mnl can be a very smart butt and she has always been that way before she was diagnose with mild AZ and we never had a close relationship as well even though I would try so much. So, I don't call her mom for I call her by her first name Jo. I lost my mother when she was in her early 60's due to heart attack and alcoholic and I loved her and took care of her as well for years. Back to the mnl, I think I had read on here how to deal with not wanting to bathe beings we can't afford someone to come out and she has already said that she don't need any assistant. So I asked her doctor was was appropriated for someone to bathe as they get older. Thanks to whomever gave that advice for now we have Monday set up for bathing day and its working. Care taking to me is like a trial and learn. I am going to buy this book and hopefully it will help me out a lot for myself and for the mnl. I know one day I too will be old and I would want someone to treat me nice and respectful as well so I do try to do the same for my mnl. Another issue in this house according to reading that may be that, none of us come from family members that are 'touchy-showing feelings.' I have a hard time with that issue and we just started the 'touch-lovey stuff' with my brothers and sister for we are trying not to raise our own kids that way. However, my son is grown and out of house and he didn't learn the lovey touch stuff from me for he learned it from my husband. Sad isn't it. I try to show my love by doing things for each family member. This is my first time taking 24/7 care and if their are any great books out their please suggest for I am always trying to learn to help improve myself for the mnl.

Letter from Mom and Dad to My child. It is beautiful. I would love to have a copy.

The article is great and I was in the same situation. The only thing I think the author missed is how elder abuse comes out of this situation. When I had mom at home with my husband and me, the anger sometimes boiled to the surface and I had to catch myself before I reacted. To diffuse my feelings of inadequacy, hurt, anger and the feelings of wanting to pop her, I used a lot of humor. This diffused my anger and stopped mom from repetition, and asking questions that I had a;ready answered. When she became antsy I took her out for a walk about at the mall and we had lunch. I pooped her out so that she slept well. It helped me as well as her. I would not change anything because we had quality time together and I was able to handle our daily events with grace and meaning. The article is so true and to the point but don't forget that the feelings of a caregiver are just as important to the situation as are the feelings of the Alzheimer's patient. Be aware of how elder abuse can creep in. Love to all.

This is great info & I wish all caregivers were given a copy of this article when they first started caring for a loved one. They are words to live by and by having the same insights as the article has made my 9 going on 10 years of solo caregiving for a parent with dementia so much easier.

It doesn't make what you are dealing with any better, but it does make it easier. I was fortunate in that I actually liked my mom and we would have probably been friends if she were not my mom. Yes, I sometimes miss her younger self - but I wouldn't change my decision to care for her even today. It is all about attitude and understanding that once you have a good day, and your loved one has a good day, you'll find the next day easier. Sometimes good enough is - and sometimes a hug is worth more than the angst of denying that your parent can change their behavior. Great article !!!

Most Alzheimer's full time at home caregivers (like myself) ARE patient, understanding, and loving - which is why we have our parent in our homes inthe first place.

The biggest problem I had overall (Mom passed at home last month after 2 1/2 yrs with me) was lack of sleep.

It is all but to impossible to function properly - especially for a caregiver who's no spring chicken - day after day after day, when running a sleep deficit. Your own physical and mental health begins to decline.

My solutions?

(1)If your parent is not sleeping at night - do what you can to kep them awake during the day. This is easier said than done for a person confined to bed! It did not work for me.
(2) Ask the doc if you may use a sleep aid. Don't give OTC stuff wtihout asking. Some of these meds will make the situation or yuour loved one more agitatated, and can be otherwise harmful. Nothing my Mom wa ever presccribed worked for her.

(3) Make sure she is in a safe place when you tuck her in for the night - with no easy means to hurt herself - or heaven forbid get away - and then go to bed. Turn on white noise (I used a loud fan).

For months I used a monitor, both video and audio - and I never got a full nights sleep, and I was up and down all night. It was killing me - I looked worse than Mom! A friend at the bank said to me "Turn off the monitor. Go to bed as you always have. If something happens it happens - but you will not survive living like this."

She was right. It was hard. But up until the last month of my Moms life (when I slept in her room) its exactly what I did and guess what? Nothing bad every happened. Occassionally if I got up for the bathroom I would check on her - but other than that I managed a good 7-8 hrs per night - which made me a more competent, capable caregiver.

A Letter from "Mom and Dad"...

My child,

When I get old, I hope you understand... 'n have patience with me
In case I break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I’m losing my eyesight,
I hope you don’t yell at me.
Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell.
When my hearing gets worse 'n I can’t
hear what you’re saying, I hope you
don’t call me ‘Deaf!’
Please repeat what you said or write it
down.

I’m sorry, my child.
I’m getting older.
When my knees get weaker, I hope you have the patience to help me get up.
Like how I used to help you while you
were little, learning how to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep
repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me.

Please don’t make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.
Do you remember when you were little 'n you wanted a balloon?
You repeated yourself over 'n over until you get what you wanted.
Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person.
Please don’t force me to shower.
My body is weak.
Old people get sick easily when they’re
cold. I hope I don’t gross you out.
Do you remember when you were little? I
used to chase you around because you
didn’t want to shower.
I hope you can be patient with me when
I’m always cranky. It’s all part of getting
old. You’ll understand when you’re older.
'n if you have spare time, I hope we can
talk even for a few minutes.
I’m always all by myself all the time, 'n
have no one to talk to.
I know you’re busy with work. Even if you’re not interested in my
stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I
used to listen to your stories about your
teddy bear.

When the time comes, 'n I get ill 'n
bedridden, I hope you have the patience
to take care of me. I’m sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or
make a mess.
I hope you have the patience to take
care of me during the last few moments
of my life.
I’m not going to last much longer, anyway.

When the time of my death comes, I
hope you hold my hand 'n give me
strength to face death. 'n don’t worry..
When I finally meet our creator, I will
whisper in his ear to bless you. Because
you loved your Mom 'n Dad.

I'm impressed with Nataly Rubinstein's ideas and her approach. I wouldn't lump all of these behaviors together as things that don't hurt the patient and only hurt the caregiver, but recognizing that there is a difference between picking at a sore and compulsively checking locks is a good first step in figuring out how to deal with the behavior.

The toileting issue is happening with my mom. She doesn't wipe herseld and if she does will not put the paper in the toilet. This really grosses me out. Also the paranoia is most difficult. Now that she has fractured her knee she sets in a wheel chair and stares at nothing.
I'm gettimgh sleepy