My husband recently began an outburst as I was putting the groceries into the van. I was trying my best to appease him as he hissed at me but all to no avail. I couldn't help but wonder if others were aware (since he tends to use a voice that only I can hear and then turns around and can be as sweet as can be to others). At that point, an elderly gentleman who collects carts came directly to me, looked me in the eye, and asked if he could help me get my groceries into the van and if I needed any other assistance. Simply his presence beside me ended the episode with my husband. I thanked him for his assistance and he then left with my cart. Last week I found this gentleman and thanked him for approaching when he did. He simply said the Lord led him. I do believe that. God is often my rescuer and He looks like the most ordinary people.

What say the outburst causes a breakdown of a family member, is separation advised?

My mom is end stage dementia. Covered in poop this morning. Screaming relentlessly as the aid tried to clean her. No one knows the nightmare of this disease until they live it. If you are lucky enough not to have a parent with this horrific disease count your blessings

HELPED me to understand my father better,dimentia .. The outburst thing .. not swearing ,,but just ranting on everyone and everything .OUT of nowhere ..

The outburst information has made me feel better about my sister who has early dementia. I thought this was just her personality as she was always hard to get along with but the outbursts at me and at the store sometimes was never mentioned before that this was part of dementia. She has 3 sons and daughter in laws whowill not acknowledge her problems are from dementia. I have to take care of her doctor appointments and they rarely do anything for her and never bring food in and just laugh at her. Thank god she has enough money for the time being for me to bring in some help as I am 77 yrs old and it is taking a toll on me.

Sigh. Funny we have a large family and it is true that there is usually someone home when they are home. Their philosophy of kids in general is not so stellar so that is MY struggle. Just had a frank conversation with mother-in-law about the meaning of children being people too and they have emotions and thoughts TOO. Not her place to intervene if she is going to choose to abuse them verbally and if father-in-law thinks he should hit them (!!!!!!!!!!). The church as it was before the mega church and church programs etc., was a source for caring for widows etc and for financial aid too. A church family proceeded in faith and life together - not perfectly but it was a clearer thing to people what the church meant in their lives. If families stayed close in proximity it was easier too as the kids grew up, to support one another. Yes. Much is mess in the culture now. We want to somehow push the elder people aside. I have no clue how dementia was handled before but it was also true that health care was not as good as there was not the knowledge to make it so. I suppose the consequence of our fear of death, has made for longer lives through better medical care but now we don't know what to do with those longer lives. Ugh. This group is awesome to me and I have only just begun to read some of the threads. I am at the end of MY rope as the activity of lying and manipulation and also taking care of my own family is VERY demanding. Your stories resonate with me. Perhaps years ago, caring for elder parents was a skill which WAS passed on just like taking care of babies was a skill passed along from one generation to another.

I can go on with my life story, and I do cry all the time, sees therapist 3 of them 2 with my young kids and one with him and one by myself. Its not helping me out, I want to runnaway from all this stress and don't like it one bit..

I am in your world, my kids dad has DEMENTIA and he is only 49 yrs old, Its from having multi strokes and massive heartattack, i been living this for 2yrs and so sick of it. I am stressed out and no me time at all, outburst all the time, yells at me and my daughter for no reason, and he remembers the past, but not the present, you ask him something or say something he does not recall it, but when he wants something and you don't give to him he has fits. I hate him so much and looking to place him somewhere, but problem its not easy to do, his mind is still there but not all there. I do leave him alone at times, but I don't trust him, he has a bad habit throwing things away, my daughter graduation diploma my shoes for work even my kids school clothes threw away when we took a week vacation and left him alone and my kids did not having anything to where. When i am sleeping he is cleaning to. I am learning how to deal with it but you can't be calm around them, cause he making your life a living hell and they get a thrill from it...I am trying so hard just to walk away from it sometimes it works sometimes it does not work. I say why me of all people. His own sister does not even care about her own brother having the disease, she won't even help out and I took care there parents until they passed away and asked her to take him in she says no. User and I am stuck in taking care of him.. I hate my life don't want to take care of sick people i did it for 5 yrs until he got sick and has not stopped at all. Stressed out.

I often leave a note when I go out and leave my mother. I think it reassures her and reminds her where I am and how long I'm expected to be gone - even if its just 1/2 hour.

I agree with wvs. I have been in everything you said. Mom is very attached to me. At the beginning that I have to go the grocery store or have an appointment (sthink take me more than 1/2 hr) she didn't eat nothing sometimes until next day. Even when caregivers brought her a tray w/ food. One day I told her "Ok you don't want to eat, well I'll eat because I'm hungry" in front of her. Since tht day whenever I came back (I try to eat w/her) after she tells me that I've let her alone the hold day (it could be 1 hr) and other words I can't write here, she seats down and eat. I have figure out that they are like children that you have to try them w/love but firm and not giving them any chance to keep angry like to give reasons that they cannot understand.

Thanks for sharing your personal story- it sounds like you have found some great ways to assess your mom. I love the 'do you want ice cream?'. Good luck and try to find a support group for you! Your local Alzheimer's association might have a group you can join.

I have noticed that My Mom's Outburst often were "triggered". If you can figure out the "triggers" try to avoid them.
An example: My Mom often gets confused about who I am, my relationship to her. She recognizes me by sight, she knows my name, infact, I asked her if she knew my name, and she said, of course I do... I'm not stupid and she said my name without a pause, but, If I call her "Mom" all Heck breaks loose. She says I'm a liar,why do I tell people that and she won't talk to me and walks away. So I call her Helen now, but I have to remind myself of this naturally out of habit I automatically call her "Mom". Funny too, she always remembers anything that pisses her off, but she can't remember things like if she ate lunch. I have noticed as well, anything dramatic or emotional sticks in her mind like glue!!!!
Another example: she's very possesive of her things and I'm the one she recalls moving and touching her things, so I never touch her things at least when she can see me (sometimes it's nessasary). She escorts me out of her room and tells me "it's MY stuff... go"!!! So I go.
Oh and she hates when I act like I am HER MOM, basically any thing that indicates she NEEDS me, or threatens her independance. She can't in (OUR) reality have independance, but, "SHE" dosen't have to know that. I let her think she's right, she's the boss, whatever works, now I never correct her, whatever thoughts are "her" reality, I go with it. So I make sure If I need to talk to staff about her, she dosen't hear or see anything.
Going to a store may be stressful because scenery has changed and familiar routine is comforting and not confusing as well as noise and to much going on disorientate someone with dementia. When she was living with me I took the same route to work everyday and I would drop her off at the aids house this became our routine, on my day off she was restless and disorientated (she knew the house just was uncomfortable and restless), I couldn't get anything accomplished. I see this all so clearly now, but, at the time I was clueless, as to why, and this was my down time and also when she was in escape mode, due to lack of stimulation. Her routine was not sitting in my house it was running errands with the aid. So if you try to stick to a basic routine you'll have less outrageous behavior.
Meds need to be taken properly and routinely carefully monitored. This alone can screw up the mental state. My Mom who I swear was swallowing her pills somehow ditched them and I'd find them in odd places, she knew enough to hide it from me. I said it before and I'll say it again Dementia and Stupid are 2 very different.
I figured out how to tell if she's stable too. Her favorite thing of all is ICECREAM she wuvs it!!! If her medication is the reason and it's not her dementia making her act funny... I can tell by asking her one simple question.... "Do you want Icecream?"
If she says no, something is Very Wrong!!!! I'll ask again to make sure she is really just not in the mood, which is never, or that she heard the ? correctly and say "are you sure?" If it is the meds that are the cause of her unstablity, she gets angry, as if I had asked her to eat worms and she makes a funny face. I explained this to her psychiatrist and she hasn't been unstable since. Begining a new med and weening off meds create mood swings and odd behavior. I learned the hard way but I am glad I have the ability to share what I've learned with others, and I'm still learning too.

i agree - don't hold your breath. Government funding. We used to have large families so in many cases someone was always around to take care of older relatives but society has changed. Now eveyone in the family works - of you are lucky enought to have a job! Some philsopher once said that you can tell the quality of a civilization by how it treats its old people. Sadly, we seem to be getting worse in that respect. Insitutions are very costly and I think they aren't the best answer unless absolutely necessary - but they are a big industry now.

I agree there ought to be some sort of government help but I'm not holding my breath. The only thing I can think to do is turn them over to Adult Protective Services and let that government agency deal with the problem.

We need some kind of national senior care to cover this gap or else some kind of pay for stay at home cargivers. I thnk something similar was part of Pres. Obama's original election plank. Othe countires seem to manage. I guess it has to do with where the tax dollars are spent.

I live in FL and my Mother lives in NC with dementia. She now lives alone in an apartment. I had her in an ALF but they put her out because I could not afford the private pay and she was NOT eligible for Medicaid. She is over the allowed limit by a few dollars. She was not allowed to be placed into the dementia 'special care' unit because she does not WANDER (which Medicaid would pay for). I can't afford a daily caregiver. I have people check on her,but that is only temporary until I can find a caregiver. (they are doing it as a favor). MY QUESTION IS: WHAT ARE WE, PEOPLE WHO AREN'T RICH OR HAVE THE MEANS TO PLACE OUR SICK PARENTS TO DO WITH THEM? She doesn't fit the criteria for assistance from Medicare. She is on several list for adult day care. I am at wits end. If anyone has any more suggestions, please comment. I have called EVERY agency in Guilford county for help that I know of.