fwillaert, this website is specifically for "connecting people caring for elderly parents." See the subtitle on the logo. There are some of us here who are caring for spouses. Some of the issues are the same, but some are quite different. I get out the site what I can, and contribute as I can, but I don't fault them for not focussing on spouse caregivers ... that is not their stated purpose.

I would love to see something on spouses being the caregiver. It is not always children being the caregiver.

Personally, I cannot see who would want to start that kind of business for taking care of just the mnl is enough for me.

Jola, that is great news plus, it was in good condition you saved some money.

(sidebar) Passing this along in case it might help someone: I was excited last week to find a used, standard walker at our local Goodwill store. It was only $3, appears to be in great condition, and now we have an extra walker for the trunk of the car. Store personnel indicated they frequently have walkers and canes available.

Another aspect is that "every" home care situation is different like any business. When you take on the JOB of caregiver = there's NO job description. It's impossible to predict 'this' position. Variables like illnesses, weather or not they have insurance - medicare/medicaid, Alzheimer's, dementia, money in the bank, or mobile or not - impact the present and future care.

It is sad to say but, what about the warning signs of trusting family members? You trusted them or he/she to help and in the process of their so called, "Helping," they took every bit of the mnl IRA account savings which was about 40G's within three years. To this day, our mnl still has no idea what happen to that money. Plus, that family member is the greatest person ever to her, oh please! It's not all that black & white for everyone for everyone has different situations and circumstances. Easier said than done.

newtonjoyce: my parents did bring another senior into their home to keep company with my grandmother and share costs of a part-time caregiver. The most important thing was to find someone who could get along with my grandmother. This was not easy and they were lucky to find someone who became my grandmother's friend in a short time. The family of the other senior were also very cooperative, which was also important. Unfortunately, this situation only lasted a couple years before, my grandmother's friend got cancer and died, which was very sad. My parents never found another family that they were able to make similar arrangements with and my mother ended up scaling back to her hours at work to care for my grandmother.

Cat, you should had written the post and thinks on helping us understand it a bit clearer.

I had a hard trying t mustered this suggestion from the article. "If family members are unable or unwilling to help, bring in outside reinforcements. These might be in the form of a home health care worker, or a geriatric care manager. These options will cost you, but risking the caregiver and elder's health, well-being and safety will cost much more in the end."

This is easier said than done and especially if you have one that don't won't help from outsiders. Its not like we can afford any help. I can think of a million things better to do than feeling like a prisoner in my own house! Medicare seems not to pay for anthing except short-term stuff. You have to be dirt poor broke to even get Medicade.
As for the emotions, that is a very hard one when the person u r taking care of his family and not just someone you hired off the street. Plus, the workers at least get to go home and have a break and not to mention a weekend.

My thoughts have been after reading 1 in 5 or 8 households are in a caregiver situation, I keep telling my mother I will go help another person and she can just come along with or post barter help I will watch yours if you watch mine approach and figure out whos house for respite care time once or twice a month- no money involved, Does this seem realistic or just wishful thinking?

This article was sure were off base in giving advice as far as my situation goes. I am the sole, 24/7, caregiver for my mother who lives with us. I get no breaks and have absolutely no life of my own because of the attention she requires.

I've not only asked, I've begged for help from both my "busy" siblings who to this day dont help in any way, shape or form. Their lack of presence in my mothers life has caused her to suffer from depression on top of all of her other health issues.

I have reached out to every possible source that I could think of or find (to the extent of asking them as they told me they couldnt help if they knew of anyplace that could help) only to keep running into dead ends. And like many others, we dont have the funds to hire "outside reinforcements".

The article sounds way too textbook to have been written by someone who was an actual hands on caregiver to a family member... either that or they should thank their lucky stars that everything seemed to have fallen into place so nicely for them.

I agree with jeanne that Cat is much more encouraging, clear and I think she should have written the original article.

I read it again. Nope, not better that time through. Cat, your message makes more sense than the article.

I think that the title is misleading and as a result people may be a bit disappointed without recognizing that the key to the article is to re-frame how you view yourself in relation to the universe of caring for another.

I am single and the sole caregiver of my mom. I don't have people signing on to 'help' and I certainly don't get down time, yet I've managed in part because of my view of what I am doing. I am an oldest, was in mgmt and used to being the problem solver. Now I juggle life w/ my most important person (mom) which is unpredictable and requires constant vigilance with working from home. The first thing I did was 'manage' to learn my intuition and bond to her was my guide. The rest fell into line - whether it is advocating for her healthcare, handling her ADL's, bringing her along despite it 'not being done' - and in the process am not only a better caregiver for her, but have also broken through some common barriers of what a caregiver can & can't do. Being your own CEO means having the courage to steer your own boat and not wait for others, but rather sell them on how to work with you. I hope perhaps some of the readers might read this again with a fresh perspective and take heart - it may be thankless, but the whole point is to remember to thank ourselves.

After years of getting angry, frustrated, and worn out and feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown myself, I was at the end of my rope and ready to give up. This has changed since recently I tried using more compassion. It is still hard but I have learned that you are not fighting against a person but a disease. Dementia is a mean disease. Now when my mother is out of sorts, I sit down beside her, put my arms around her and talk softly to her to calm her down. This has worked wonders for me and her. I pray a lot and seek help from God daily. I still get tired and frustrated but my ATTITUDE has changed a lot and it has changed her attitude also. I remind her how lucky we are to have each other.

I am new to being a caregiver and I don't see how anyone can put their emotions aside and think of your needy parent as a business. The reason we do this in the first place is because we care. We have to worry about their health, getting enough food, bathing, laundry and escort them to doctor appointments. In addition, I have to put up with my mother's negative attitude about doctors, her pain, and the constant complaining. I am doing this on my own, no family around to help. Sometimes when I am worn out and stressed, I still feel guilty that I am not doing enough.

Yup, Roxanne, you can definitely run your caregiving as a business. Obviously there is money to delegate the actual day-to-day caregiving to paid professionals.

I have the groceries ordered by the care givers, once a week over the phone. They are delivered the next day for FREE. (The town does this as a senior service) Go online to your towns website and look for SENIORS link.
Medications are delivered every Friday for FREE by a GREAT pharmacy I found.
They even put them in the Monday-Sunday boxes!
The above services along with her oil bill are on her credit card that I pay off once a month in FULL. I write less checks this way, and I am removed from doing these tasks that I use to do for a year before I learned better.
I no longer get too friendly with the care givers. They give me the receipt for the groceries and if they do something really stupid I replace them. Otherwise, I tell my mom: "this is what you wanted, to be @ home". She was in an Assisted Living PALACE....the place was amazing, but she "wanted to go hooooomeee!"
I only visit 2-3 x's a month because this is my JOB now and she is rude, critical, mean and nasty. The less we see each other the better.
I do spread sheets once a month to account for every check I write so it is easier to do my accounting for PROBATE the end of the year.
Once you get others to do more (look at your senior center link for YOUR town for help) for you, the easier this becomes and then you can go on vacation, pay every bill once or twice a month and have some kind of sane life.
I also do not take calls after 7PM unless it is an emergency. Then the care givers can call my cell, otherwise, it goes to voice mail.
This may sound harsh, but my mom will call me 20 x's a day asking me the same things over and over...I had to put an end to the madness. My blood pressure was getting very high. I am also a person, I am not a slave.

Though the other commenters bring up a great point, namely that often there are no family bystanders, or spare funds for hiring help. And obviously it is quite impossible to remove emotion from the equation when caring for a family member. However this article makes an extremely good point, that often caregiving is something that you just fall intowith no plan, and can be absolute chaos. Organization, planning and delegating can make a world of difference! It is generally a good outline of ways that you might be able to make it easier on yourself
.

At the nursing home, a five star which is the best rating they can get, at least when mom or dad do try to run away they can't get far because the door alarm goes off. Our mom would also call 911 a lot, so, the security of the home makes things a lot easier on everyone.

At the nursing home, a five star which is the best rating they can get, at least when mom or dad do try to run away they can't get far because the door alarm goes off. Our mom would also call 911 a lot, so, the security of the home makes things a lot easier on everyone.

I hear you.

Yes, DT. I have lived with the constant yammer for many years. I was brought up that way. It really makes me tired. The frogs and toads jump out of her mouth constantly. She can't see, she can't hear, she can't smell, she can't think but she can still talk.

Anymore she can't project her voice as loudly as she used to and because she can't hear she doesn't know when she's talking softly. I'm teaching myself not to listen.

There's no real communication anyway because she can't hear me when I respond. So I just shake my head yes to everything she says. Like I agree with it all. No sense in taking that toxin into my consciousness.

I get a real sense of freedom not dealing with the yapping. I just close the door on that empty room. I'm oh so ready to let her go.

It is not so much of a question of guilt for taking time for myself, my mom is a great one at heaping on guilt, it is the guilt that is pushed off on me that is the problem. You can only take so much whining before you go mad, like a mosquito that gets into the bedroom at night (and disappears when you turn the light on) and keeps singing in your ear until the only recourse is to let her sting and leave you alone for awhile.

My number one rule in caregiving is "get rid of the guilt". What we are doing here is honorable and we are sacrificing our wants and needs for the needs of the parent, spouse, etc. We could just put them in a nursing home and be done with it. Then there might possibly be a little reason for guilt, depending on the situation. If you are giving loving care to a loved one, do not feel guilty when you go to the store, take a break or even go on vacation. Taking care of yourself is important and your emotional health is important. I realize for some, a break is not an option, and my heart goes out to you, but if you can take a break, please don't load yourself down with false guilt.

Another idea, if you are a grandparent and care for grandchildren for your kids, even for them to have an evening out, why not "swap time" with them. They need to learn responsibility to help with aging parents. I have two children, one will do this, the other shys away from it. I understand that this is hard to do for them but it would be nice if both would help.

Now, now, folks. If you could just treat your caregiving tasks as a business, it would go more smoothly. If Mom trash talks you or Dad runs away, just ask yourself, what would Donald Trump do? That ought to take care of it, right?

LoL. The notion that you should run caregiving like a business might work a whole lot better if we had 40 hour caregiving weeks, paid vacations, holidays off, sick days, etc. etc. Oh, and it would really help if we had no emotional investment in the outcomes. And if we had some training in how to run a business! :) :)

Well meaning, well written article that misses the mark, I'm afraid, for this audience.

DT, I am with you! I feel guilty just going to the store and leaving Dad for an hour alone! I now lock both gates just in case he decides to run away from home again to hitch a ride to go back to where he came from. I don't like getting phone calls telling me my dad is a mile down the road and won't get in the car to go back home. I have to drop everything wherever I am and go get him. You can't make a grown man get in the car! Bribery for an ice cream cone works.
When he stays put though, it's where have you been all this time?" poor guy feels abandoned and I, yes, feel guilty.

good luck pemdenwall - have been in your exact situation mean streak, secrets, no retirement fund, so finally the person had to go to a nursing home. Calls come in from there but it is a lot easier to let the professionals handle it.

If I had wanted my mother's care to be treated like a business I would have put her in a nursing home. Now those are businesses. Some are good and most are not. Even then, I would have been emotionally and physically involved. People can say all they want about what the caregiver can do to get help but if the help is not there due to absence or lack of funds, all it is is words on paper.

Thanks, Jeanne. You explained well to Barbara the situation in which many of us find ourselves. I hope Barbara can open her mind and find some compassion for those of us who are trying to perform a duty to a difficult parent.