Yes, I agree with the posts here. We are told "force your father into an assisted living facility". Ya, you try! He is very stubborn and think that we want to get rid of him so that we can have our lives back! Yes, that is correct, however what he doesn't know is that we will not abandon him like he thinks we will. We are 5 siblings who do the best we can. We have jobs and 2 of the 5 siblings have suffered emotionally and physically. I cancel my own doctor appointments because of his needs. It is just not a far situation. There are very little resources for us and the department of aging isn't properly funded in order to provide what we really need which is counseling for the caregivers. We have power of attorney for health and finances, but we don't have guardianship. I'm constantly made to feel guilty because I don't do enough, don't call enough, don't do whatever enough. It will never be enough for my father. Because of his narcissistic personality disorder, we, the siblings, have an added layer not typical when dealing with just older dementia patience. That no one talks about. We gave up our lives as children and now we are giving up our lives as adults. When will it be our turn to just live! I'm sorry... I'm going a little off course here, but it is so frustrating. I pray everyday that God take my father, despite my love for him. Can you imagine a child prayer for the death of a parent. Wow, that is not me, but it has become me. God help us all with these situations. I pray that each of us find our way and can live with ourselves when the pieces fall.
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My siblings are in the same situation. 87 year old father, parkinson, dementia, diabetes. Not the kindest person either but considering our upbringing by our sweet deceased mom, all six of us are in meetings and dr appointments. The doctors have a moral obligation to tell him he can't stay home. We've tried everything and now have to consult an attorney. His last hospitalization was because he insisted to have foot surgery, and I asked the podiatrist for a home health care visit. It was this sweet nurse who called and was alarmed of how high his blood sugar was, which landed him in the hospital. We have him in rehab to buy us time to consult an attorney. The doctors told him he can't live at home. His answer: "I have things to do--are you going to pay for my AL?" (he has money)... The doctors looked at me in astonishment. (I wanted to say I REST MY CASE.) So yes, it sounds wonderful all the information and how to prepare them, etc. We've been there, done that. He's biligerent to us and yet we are still trying to find him a place. One friend said 'well if he doesn't want to move, leave him alone and die there." No, we're getting an attorney. Thank God he's still in rehab until we take our next steps...sorry for the long comments but I sympathize and empathize with everyone going through this. God Bless everyone.
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I trully like the story.
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Finished...Im so so sorry you now have cancer. I hope and pray that you can be healed from it. My sister has a brain tumor and although it is not growing right now, I know the toll it takes. Praying for you and your husband. You are an inspiration and a wonderful person.
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Excellent article! I'm at this stage with my mother, and all these suggestions are very helpful. It's hard to focus when I'm stressed-out and worried about her. This will keep me on-track.
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SherylBeth, you do know me we are sisters in the fact of the journeys we have taken...and the journey you continue on. As I sit here receiving an infusion for the cancer I have suffered from since 2008, I look back on the years my daughter was in high school and all we ever did was take care of my Alzheimer's addled mother and my elderly and helpless father. My mother was an angel always very sweet, she was an easy patient, but you need to consider the fact that when you're speaking to a person that is So Far Gone as my mother was at the end, you might as well be talking to your fireplace or your stairwell. this person no longer knows you, she may have moments of clarity, but for the most part and increasingly so, she is not herself anymore. I am so sorry for what you're going through. If I could change anything I would have given much more attention to my daughter who really needed me back then and I would have let the professionals help my mother a little bit more. I definitely would have tried to save my husband from constantly being called upon. He had a heart attack last year. Now we literally have worse health than my 88 year old father. remember you are responsible to your children, and beyond that you can do what you can do and, but there was no agreement made at your birth that you would be responsible 24/7 for the care of your parents as they age. try to let yourself off the hook because we only get one chance at this life. If your mother were of her right mind she would want a happy and carefree life for you. take care of yourself and think about your future. that's not selfish. no parent in their right mind would wish stress and hardship on their child. my father continues to erode any chance of happiness my husband and I have, the only respite we have is the distance between us now. when we lived 20 minutes away from him, he would sit at the gate and blow his horn until we would come... The man has no shame and no respect for anybody but himself. that sounds really harsh but it's so true. What kind of a father would not want his daughter and her husband to be happy? he has already taken several falls from which he could not get up. we may as well be talking to the fireplace when we mention assisted living, but this is going to be the last trip to California without him knowing that we are living in Oregon. he's going to have the choice to move into assisted living an hour away from us in Oregon, or he can roll the dice and we will visit 3 or 4 times a year. remember I always will think of you and pray for you and your mom. Where we live there is no cell right now, but I will check my phone whenever I go into town if you need to reach out... Don't ever think that I don't get back to you because I don't care. I do care I was there right where you are right now. I would not wish it on anybody. may God bless you and bring you peace.
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Finished...I know what is ahead by all the posts I read on this site. Its so incredibly horrible. I have decided I wont give up my life 24/7 to care for her by myself. I know Im not capable physically for one thing! And I know she wouldnt want that either IF she wasnt in this disease. She also says she doesnt want to move closer to me, my son and his family, and one of my nieces because then 'everyone would think they have to take care of me'....like you, Im already doing everything!! I have no legal course to force her, so I will do what I can, when I can, and pray. She says shes so lonely, but refuses to be around anyone. Now all of a sudden yesterday, she said she would come look at the assisted living facility which is about a mile from me, and seemed receptive to it because she says she is so mixed up all the time. However, I know when the time comes to go visit it, she will change her mind. I am going to tell her that we are going to go look anyway, and Im going to tell her that eventually she wont be able to stay at home. Because Im no longer married and my two children are grown, she expects me to move in with her. Im sure this conversation will make her angry, and as I sit here writing this, I realize again that theres no point to discussing anything with her since she wont recall any of it within minutes. Thats the part of this disease that drives me crazy...i want so bad to explain and get her to see logic...and its not possible. Anyway, I will most definitely pray for you....I feel like I know you, ha!
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Sherylbeth, I just read what you wrote about your mother who suffers from Alzheimer's but who isn't quite far gone enough for you to get her into assisted living. My mother died a few years ago with Alzheimer's. My father would not let her go into assisted living even when she asked him if she could stay when they visited a place. it gives me no pleasure to tell you that you have not seen the worst of it yet. Mom had taken so many horrible falls on the hardwood floors at their home, by the time she got into assisted living because my father could not pick her up off the floor, it was too late and I am sure she was bleeding internally by that time because she was on that awful blood thinning medication that is actually rat poison... Mom enjoyed the last 3 months of her life so very much because she had friends she could talk to. but to stay on point, her doctor took me aside and said what I should pray for is that she pass away sooner rather than later. Alzheimer's is absolutely the worst disease on the planet and this is a cancer patient speaking to you. I'm telling you, it's an ugly rough road. Assisted living helps for sure if you get her in before she starts falling and doing things that put her life in danger at home. I wish for you that your mother progresses slowly, and that you have some luck getting her into a place so that you can minimize your stress level. She won't even know the difference, and will probably really enjoy the social aspect. I know my mom did. I wish we had put her in at least a year before we did. That was my father being selfish, and that's on him I guess. Now we're dealing with him and his stubbornness at age 88 wanting to maintain a 3000 square foot house on a half acre of land. You can imagine who does all the work.here's a hint.. It's not him. and God bless you in your journey.
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Odense, I commend you if you are as self sufficient as you say you are and I'm sure you have no reason to lie you have every right to stay in your home. Your boys should go on with their lives and let you go on with yours as you see fit. My problem is with my 88 year old father who refuses to admit we are his caregivers. He lives alone in a 3000 square foot house on a half an acre of land with a swimming pool and he can't even walk outside to enjoy it. His memory loss has gotten so bad that he's becoming angry and combative and always expecting us to do everything for him. Our daughter goes to college in Oregon and we want to be close to her yet he belittles us and says every time she gets a runny nose we are off to save her. He is actually jealous of his own granddaughter. It's a very sad thing to witness.We have moved to Oregon in the last 6 months and we need to drive to California because he can't drive himself to DMV..(.he could never find his way there and it's 5 minutes from his house) to renew his vehicle registration and yet he wants a brand new car and in the summer he will want his entire house painted even though it doesn't need it he just wants attention and he's going to get it one way or another from my husband who has such a kind heart he can't say no... Daddy was in 3 car accidents in one month all his fault, can not walk from one room to another, it's costing us a fortune to keep up his property house and take care of his personal needs, but yet he tells us to mind our own business and that we are not taking care of him. how can we mind our own business when our phone is ringing off the hook every day with a new list of needs from Daddy. why do my husband and I have to leave our beautiful home in Oregon to go stay in a hotel in California to take him to DMV?? Sounds like somebody needs to go into assisted living. All of his brothers agree. I have not been on this website for a while because we have been so busy with the move. We are going to offer daddy assisted living in Oregon so we can see him more often, but I'm sure he will say no. Don't know what to do about the new car thing. He has a Lexus with 60,000 miles on it, he almost never takes it out of the garage, but it's all dented up from his accidents...oddly enough he wants another Lexus exactly the same color and its not a good color for resale. I swear the car salesmen see these senior citizens coming and sell them the sky blue cars... Somebody's going to get a turkey or ham or something haha...but its really not funny because it's money we could use to take care of him. He should not even be driving. I wish you all the best. If you see fit please pray for our situation.
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Sherribeth... you said "Ive already written out to my children that they have my permission to move me wherever and whenever they want when/if I need it in their opinion. I dont want them to go through this with me. " You will probably find that nearly everyone who is now a huge burden on their children would want that if they were in their right minds. They probably thought and said the same...but later, when they were in the situation when they needed the help, in their mind they've not reached the "when/if I need it" stage as far as they are concerned (when they are actually long past that stage). So writing it down now does nothing to protect your kids from the law that says they can't do anything unless you want them to at the point in time when they want to, until something really serious happens to force the issue. I think the best thing is to have the money and resources in place long before you get to the point that you are elderly and needing help. Build a healthy savings (to pay for inhome caregivers, housecleaners, etc... size down to a smaller easy to care for home all on one level, install a walk in tub, move near your children if possible..these are all some very considerate things you can do to help your children if you should become like so many elderly needy parents posted about in this site.... My husband and I are in the process of doing just this...
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Odense, you are exactly who the laws are created to protect. Just because you're elderly does not mean you can't take care of yourself and no one should have the right to force you to move.

But there's the flip side to those laws and that's to giving that same right to elderly who are having all sorts of physical and mental problems but just don't see them and don't think they do have problems and are, increasingly and without gile, forcing their children to give up their lives in order to care for them and their needs. There needs to be some better way for kids to be able to get them the help they need when they refuse to even consider it.

Good for you that you are doing so well though. ;-)
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It is a very good article and enjoyed reading it. I'm a senior 82 years young and I'm disabled in some ways but still manage living in my own home. My boys would like me to move out of my 5 bedroom house, but no way, I'd lose way too much as I see it. My wife got sick 8 years ago and have done not too badly on my own. She was in a long term care home before she passed away 4 years ago. I have some one do the snow clearing ( I live in Canada 450 km. north of the US border) and some one cleaning house once a month. I have a newer truck as well as an SUV and have no problems going on long trips. Where I live we have about 5 months where I can enjoy the outdoors. I use a mobility scooter which is not allowed in some of the rest homes. I get along with people of all sorts (that is on a one on one basis chatting but as I'm very hard of hearing I stay away from crowds). Well, if I was to move to a seniors home I would most likely eat a (pardon me) hell of a lot better but I have stayed a live for 8 years so far so I guess I'm not doing too bad. I would welcome a comment or two.
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actually another round of cancer would be a day in the park compared to caring for my miserable 87 year old entitled selfish father. Not being mean just honest.
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I'm sure most of you know this but it is legal in the state of Oregon to end your own life on your terms if you have a terminal illness. There's a documentary called "How to die in Oregon. ". they are not advocating taking cancer patients out back and shooting them, they are merely offeringa way to die with dignity and on one's own terms. It certainly gave me hope as I have suffered two rounds of cancer already and I don't plan to go through it again.
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When I wrote on this thread back in June how my parents refused to even think about moving to Assisted Living things have changed. We had wait for a major accident to happen. Mom fell and hit her head, she is now in rehab/long term care learning how to walk again and how to eat. Not easy for someone who will be 98 next month.

Dad is so helpless inside the house, he can't even make himself a sandwich as Mom ruled in the inside. I had to hire professional caregivers to watch him around the clock and do chores.

Now Dad is FINALLY talking about downsizing... too bad he and Mom didn't talk about it years ago.... Dad got to retire from his profession.... but I noticed that women never get to retire from their "job" as being the housewife. In Assisted Living meals are cooked by others, dishes are washed by others, same with cleaning. No worries about transportation. And Dad couldn't need to worry about shoveling snow or getting the landscaping done. If a ceiling light bulb goes out, Dad wouldn't need to stand on a ladder to change it, etc.

Right now we are at a stand still because we need to see how and if my Mom will progress to a point of returning home.
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Thank you for these suggestions. I have been trying to convince my 87 and 88 year old parents that moving to a senior friendly apartment would make their lives so much easier. They are currently spending so much on upkeep for a 4 bedroom family house when they basically live in 3 rooms. Their greatest fear is having to move to the "Poor House." I have lost count of the falls, luckily my dad has very strong bones! I have played all the cards including emotional blackmail with no results. Sigh.
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Its horrible to sit and wait for an accident to happen, or delusional behavior to start, before we have the right to move a parent for their own safety. Even her doctor wont get involved. In trying to protect people from being taken advantage of, the law has placed the majority of elderly at risk and something needs to ne changed. I sit with worry, stress, anxiety 24/7 waiting for something terrible to happen before I can legally force mom to assisted living. If she were just old and not mentally affected with ALZ, I would continue gladly to help with whatever she needed. She doesnt believe she has the disease and has moved into the moderate stage i believe. But asblong as she feeds herself and showers occasionally (i take care of all finances and appts), i have no legal right to force her to leave her house. It makes me so angry...at the law. And it keeps me frustrated with her...even though i know its not her fault. I just pray she doesnt lose her life when something does happen...but then with whats to come for her with ALZ, maybe it would be for the best. Ive already written out to my children that they have my permission to move me wherever and whenever they want when/if I need it in their opinion. I dont want them to go through this with me.
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My fear is that forcing mom to an ALF since she has beginning/mid stage ALZ is that she will sink into depression and not ever come out of it. She refuses to accept she has alzheimers, has no short term memory, and i handle all her errands//finances. She has lived alone for over 30 yrs since my father passed. And my understanding is i cant force her anyway without spending a small fortune obtaining guardianship through the courts. Is anyone else in this situation??? I dont know what to do and have no siblings or anyone to help me know what to do.
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Sheryl beth you are so right about about home care eventually costing more than a facility. Not just the expense of the home care but the expenses of the care the home needs (i.e property taxes, utilities, lawn care). Even my mom's financial planner was stunned and surprised. Don't know why, I saw this coming and I suck at math and would never be a financial planner. Even with LTc insurance. The LTC pays 120 a day. That's about 6 hrs a day. That leaves the other 18 hours coming out of pocket.
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I dont know about other places, but i have been told that in Oklahoma, we cannot force mom into AL with anything less than guardianship...POAs are not enough.
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By the way, 24/7 home healthcare is more expensive than an assisted living facility....for me, i must be careful about how moms money is spent because i need to make sure she has enough to take care of her for probably another 5 to 10 years....
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Judy1....did you have guardianship? I have medical and financial POA but have been told and have read, that i cannot force her to go into assisted living without going to court to obtain guardianship. Her primary care doctor doesnt get involved in writing letters as to her mental/competent status so thats another problem i will have...how to get her to go get an evaluation because she will refuse, and how do i find someone?? Im at a loss of what to do....its either wait for something to happen to her, or force her into court proceedings which sounds awful.....
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I like that idea, Carekeeper, of taking yr loved one on some of the activities/outings that the facility has so they become more comfortable with the setting and the idea of living there. I had moved my father into ALF years ago, it was very difficult. My aunt should not be living alone any more now either but she has her friends in the area helping her do EVERYTHING (and they are not spring chickens either!)
So, they call me from time to time to tell me how poorly she's doing and I need to visit and call her more often. I live in another state and have plenty on my plate. I can't do much for her from here. I've talked to her about moving in to what I refer to as a 'senior apartment' where they have amenities and can take her out shopping, clean her apartment and do her laundry for her. No, she insists she's fine and doesn't want to move. It has been very frustrating. It occurred to me she may be thinking this would be a home like the one where she placed one of her relatives many years ago. I hope to be able to get some time off soon and take her to visit the place I have in mind. She really needs someone nearby who could help her 24/7 if needed; she has issues with using phones and if she had an emergency she may not be able to call someone, and she can't leave her apartment by herself anymore because she can't use the keys correctly to get back into her building. I'm tired of stressing out about her situation but being unable to do anything about it because she's too stubborn or afraid to move. I know her friends mean well, but none of them seem to be talking directly to her about how she NEEDS to MOVE. I believe I'm the only one telling her this. So I'm letting her know now that Larry called me because he's worried about her, or Mary called me with some concerns about something she did, etc and we're ALL concerned about her wellbeing. And we think this would be a good place for her to live and be well taken care of and safe. I'm going to have to be just as stubborn as she.
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My parents live in a large home that has the bedrooms upstairs, plus a full basement in the lower level. They refuse to even consider moving. I gave they a brochure of a wonderful retirement complex that is in our area, indoor pool, on-site restaurants, beauty shop/barber, doctor office, bank, gift shop, transportation to church and shopping, security, etc... my parents looked over the brochure and Dad said they place looks nice, maybe in a couple of years. HELLO, you are 92 and 96. That was last year, and my parents haven't mentioned the place since.

I believe it is their generation... none of their siblings downsized... their parents and grandparents never downsized... they all stayed in their large homes.

I have cousins who have moved to the 55+ communities. One had to because he just couldn't keep maintaining 3 large homes now that he and his wife were in their 70's [his home, his mother's, and his wife's mothers]. He and his wife moved, but the Moms stayed glued to their large homes.

Thus, hopefully my generation will set the trend of downsizing :)
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Sometimes you can go to an event on the facility transportation, like a concert or meal out. This way your loved one gets to see others enjoying familiar activities. My mom went on several trips with an area facility and that helped her feel more comfortable.
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My mother is 90 an lives alone in her own single floor townhouse community. I live 3 hours away from her and I am the closest sibling to her logistically. She has shown signs of confusion, memory loss and repeats the same stories over and over. She fell recently and fractured a vertebrae, ended up in a nursing/rehab center for 3 weeks and was released to her home with home health care coming in 4 days a week. This care will end in 2 more weeks. While she was in the hospital right after her fall, we (my brother,sister and I) found out that she has fallen two other times in the recent past and never told us! Once she actually was taken by the medics to the hospital, had X-ray's ad then took a cab home without our knowledge ! While she was in the nursing facility she admitted to us that it was time for her to make a move, that she worried about what would happen if she fell and was seriously injured and couldn't contact anyone. My sister and I visited some AL facilities and found a lovely place just 10 minutes from my sisters home. It has excellent reviews, is immaculate, friendly and has lots of activities. M mom can afford it as well. Presented it to to my mother and at first she was receptive but now that she is back home, has dug in her heels, will not talk about it and says she's not moving because of all her friends. She is on the waiting list at the ALF and if an apartment comes available, my mom will have 48 hours to accept and 14 days to move in. I am health POA and am wondering if I have the power to move her into the facility against her will? My sister and brother would support my decision and would help with the move but I have visions of us dragging her, kicking and screaming which is not what i want for her. But I do want her safe, happy, and close to myself and my siblings.
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I feel for everyone that is going through this with loved ones. Until you have faced this type of situation, you just can't imagine the emotional stress you must face. Personally, I feel like all other options should be extinguished before forcefully place your parent into any type of facility. They could stay in their own home and pay for private home healthcare workers. The cost would in most circumstances be less expensive as well.
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You are right, there are lot of things to make sure before moving your parents to assited living. I think you have well said.
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I don't know where to begin, I am overwhelmed, my father passed 2 years ago, my mother is almost 81, lives alone in their home out of state. She has fallen 2x last year (fractured pelvis first time, currently broken ribs/arm). She has always been so independent! I also found (she has some dementia also) she was giving into money scams, multiple purchases, etc. and losing most of her retirement money...I am durable power of attorney, and we do see each other for several weeks each year. She has been adamant about staying in FL, alone, fired all her caretakers last fall she had. I know I need to take over her finances, she will be very angry at me...I also need her to agree that if she goes back to her home, she needs a companion to drive her, someone to check on her several times/week, and a gardener... and if she fires them again, she will have to leave her home...I don't know how to go about telling her...I don't want to break her spirit or cause her to spiral down hill...she still cooks, goes out, but I know she can't handle the finances and can't be alone anymore...HELP!
(mom is coming up to my home/Michigan to recuperate after she is released from the rehab. center...
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I have utilized every method on this site to try and get my mother to consider an alternative to living by herself. Her health is declining and she should not be living along and even her doctor stated this. She will not get in home help. My sister offered to move in with her to help, mother refused. My other sister offered her to move in with her, offer refused. She will not move closer to us either. She only wants to move in with me if she could not longer live in her home and needs 24/7 care, no way! I have no intention of taking on that responsibility to preserve her assets for her heirs. So due to her stubborness, I have distance myself with this issue and waiting for the day when, as her DPOA, I will be forced to make a decision about her living arrangements that she will not like. I live with this concern everyday and it angers me that her refusal is causing me so much stress. I am looking into alternatives on my own right now, but if I am forced to scramble at the last minute to find a placement, I will pick any place irregardless how good or bad it is. All my life I have had to live with my mother's stubborness to get what she wants. I am done giving into her wants and needs. I am done listening to her ranting, raving and crying about not being able to this or that, but refuse to do anything to make things easier for herself or for my sisters and I.
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