Wow, know this is a later article, yet very informative. Has anyone had to rely on attorneys to manage? Trust is ok, yet have a sibling removed me from my mom's checking acct. even tho I am named POA. Mom who has dementia visited bank with my sister who lives in Colorado somehow convinced my mom to remove me from her checking acct. I am the only sibling within 15 miles from her. Rest live in other states. My father set myself and sister on account before his death.
No idea where to go now.
It is so weird? Not sure and do not want a family episode yet I do believe a few caregivers are ripping her off and I have no access to account. Sister changed all user and passwords!

Oh boy, sister! Your last line in the article is so so true. It's more damaging and more stressful to have to fight them to believe what's happening than it is to do it on your own - but then one wonders if that is their hope all along....

This uncannily checks off various boxes about my sister, who's got the "too busy" mentality about too many things. I can't even call her at random without intruding on some planned event with her kids, etc. She won't clearly state her motives, which is also part of my mom's personality problem.

The part about bringing in outside help is the most complicated, since my mom would resent it and I'm the only one very willing to talk about it.

"Showtiming" - thank you for putting a word to it for me at least. When I described it to others (my mother perking up in glee for the once a week call from my brother or sister), they told me I had sibling rivalry. (It took many decades for me to see it, but what people wrongly label as sibling rivalry is really when a person (the scapegoat child) has normal human feelings and reactions to vastly different treatment by a narcissistic parent.) Now at least I can know that showtiming is real and sort of common.

It's depressing though my family/parent/situation is almost always what an article describes as the worst case scenario. But thanks to this site, I know I'm not alone - that helps!

I was the only person who took care of my mom until she died. I have two brothers and they were no help to me whatsoever. When mom died, after 15 years of Alzheimer's--the last 5 very severe--of liver cancer and not AD, I never gave my brothers a cent of what was left of the estate. Why? If they tried I will sue them..from all the caregiving I did including sacrificing my life for mom it was worth over a quarter of a million dollars in losses, so they better not try. I took HUGE losses of my personal resources and LIFE taking care of mom so I better not hear ONE WORD about it. I changed mom's diapers about 5 times a day, induced bowel movements three times a week--which was no easy feat since she forgot how to do bowel movements-- daily tube feedings, accuchecks and insulin, blood pressure medications, for YEARS.

I never regretted it. I love mom. She was my entire life but it was not I who took mom's life. GOD took mom's life. If cutting off my arm would have made mom better I would have gladly done that. That is how much I love her, and her death substantial I dropped a lot of weight and I was forced back to the pulse of the living due to BILLS... I kept mom going as long as I could including walking her every single day in the park for FIVE YEARS. Mom was only bed ridden for a few months. Nobody on this planet would have taken better care of mom than myself and I really mean that.

I'm doing okay. I guess. The hospice nurse said it will get better, and it is getting better. I don't have to worry about mom anymore and she is better off where she is now. But God I miss her. Still, there is an acceptance what happened. At least she is spared World War 3.

I was completely left out of my parents care. Every time I offered to help I was told everything was being taken care of. I was left out of family gatherings and then screamed at by my parents because I didn't attend or help. When talking to the two siblings caring for them I was told I could call if I wanted to come. Not an option when I didn't know it was even happening. I had a brother in law tell me I was dead to family and no one had to call me ever for anything. I live out of town so just dropping in was not an option. To make a long story short my step father died and. Found out on Facebook. My mother died 12 days later and didn't hear about it until a week later. All information on their care was kept from me and they had full control over who was seeing them. Their bank accounts, proceeds from the sale of their house, stocks, etc. we're all put in a joint bank account by my two sisters using the POA and then saying everything was used for their care when the majority was covered by insurance. Their wills included all of us but the two took it all. We believe it was their motivation for keeping us away from them. So it isn't always poor caregiver.

This whole thread is wonderful! Of course it's wonderful in a sad way, because it is very sad to be involved at a close level, and try to describe what one sees, knows and learns (through great effort) to distant siblings - I actually believe this is an issue facing society - we argue about political perspectives, without noting the impact of distance and close up experience. And we caregivers know the difference, and are in a unique position to tell our stories and advocate for help that actually helps (like limiting the family visits and having them stay in the area; like teaching distant family that caregiving disrupts our lives, even as the closeness enhances it some - but that closeness is a value, even when there are dysfunctions, and designing some effective model where each sibling can contribute to both the caregiver's life (pay for a vacation? pay for home organizer for the caregiver sib?) - helping out is something positive that can help families care about each other, even after very rocky roads and much distance in the past.

My care over decades for my disabled brother, who projected a need for little help, when he could actually do very few physical tasks competently on his own - and my other brother's ignored the impact on my life, of my decision to bring him to live near me and teach him how to persist and learn from others - and then to advocate for services to help him - major project, especially when I did not find the medical establishment helpful for him, because they only knew how to erase any difficulties with meds, not help him persist and link to his community or work lessons.

Point is, the goals of immediate care, and the challenges and processes are not easy to describe succinctly (my other brothers blamed ME for being too talkative, if I tried to update them on the phone). At the same time, we are all on the planet together, for limited time, and I kept trying, and eventually other brothers visited and were surprised to see the success I had generated for disabled brother. I still feel hurt - and may try to tell this to younger brother sometime - at the times they ignored my effort to assert the impact on my own life, but I now receive a stipend, "with no questions asked", that assumes that I take a monthly amount of a few hundred dollars for myself. It's not perfect, but I'm no longer disbelieved - but by now, disabled brother is in a nursing home.

Part of my situation is that Daughter lives with us. Yes, we gave her permission 6 years ago but, that's another issue.
My question is this: She'll be gone for days at a time (which is ok for now) but when she comes back (usually during the night), she won't get up in the am to say hello to her Dad (I'm her stepmother and caregiver). She's 65 and "sick" and can't work but can go 50 miles from here to visit doctors and friends.
Why doesn't she get up in the am and say hi to her Dad? Is she THAT much in denial? I can't ask our caregiver any more because she doesn't know either. All the caregiver can tell me is that the Daughter is in denial. Daughter does help with taking out the garbage but that's about all. She buys her own foods, cleans her room and bathroom and washes her own clothes.
I've accepted her (to a point) but just cannot understand why she doesn't check in with her Dad????
Thank you for the vent.

In our case, both adult children live out of town but in the same state. The one who is closest and has been more involved (my brother) appears to be the one in more denial. I just saw my mom today and am very concerned. Since Christmas her heart-related wheezing has worsened and her instability on stairs was scary. She will have a stress test next week. My brother had not told me these things...if indeed he noticed them but he has seen her in her home since then. I asked her questions and the answers were telling. She has stairs to the laundry and said she just doesn't do laundry often. She used to shower in the basement but does so upstairs now. Last summer she sat me down and showed me material about a retirement community in the city where my brother lives and said she was considering a move. I was glad that she, our elderly parent, had brought it up. My brother seemed stunned about it. A few months later she said she wasn't going to move. Dad died about 5 years ago. I think my brother has issues related to my dad that involve dad's "stuff" in his garage/shop.My brother just keeps saying, "We need to keep her in her own home for as long as possible." And he does A LOT around Mom's place. I know we need to talk but would appreciate any suggestions about how to do so in a kind manner and without stepping on land mines.

dogloving1, guys tend to be more emotional when it comes to their Mom's decline. As are girls when it is their Dad's decline.

Boy, you're right on the money here! I was the caregiver for my adorable Mom for 5 years. My 'distance' sibling was a brother exactly 12 miles away. He came over about once a month. Sad, but true. In looking back, I can now see that he's emotionally weak and was unable to see Mom's decline. I was mad though and still am.

I am a 38 yr old guy and live-in full-time caregiver for my 94-year old maternal grandmother ("Nanny"). My mom is an only child (just turned 60) and lacks the ability to emotionally or physically cope with taking care of her mom. The best way to describe my mom is "emotionally immature" because she can't cope with difficult adult life situations. I've had friends and family members comment that they envy my ability to 'compartmentalize' so well and not allow my emotions to cripple me in any situation. But I learned at an early age to do that just to survive and cope with things that were the most painful.

Nanny has been very active for age until the last year or so. She has been hospitalized with Urinary Tract Infections four times in the last 10 months (twice in the last seven weeks) and the last two were really bad. She was delirious, halucinating and even a bit physically combatative at times (which has never happened before). She spent seven days in the hospital the week before Xmas then went back in on Jan 6th and stayed 10 days. I stayed at the hospital with her every single night (usually from about 6pm to 10am or so) and mom couldn't handle being there for more than an hour or two on any given day! The only reason I got a break each day to go home and sleep was because of my dad and step-mom and my sister's (41, only sibling) mother-in-law came to sit with her each day. Keep in mind that my dad was sitting with his ex-mother-law 24 years after the divorce and my step-mom was there taking care of her husband's ex-wife's mother....and they are wonderful to her and love her! BTW, my sister is awesome but she works two jobs and has a 14yr old son, so she has her hands full. Now that we're home my sister does spent Friday nights here to give me one night off. Meanwhile my mom is right next door to me and I haven't seen her for almost a week....

I really struggle with feelings of anger and resentment toward my mom sometimes, but I do my best to let those negative feelings go. I'm here because I want my Nanny to be taken care of and there is no one else to do it and no money to hire someone. I've put my career on hold, but I really feel in my heart that it's the right thing to do and that I'll get my life back on track after she's gone and my job is done....

I took care of my elderly mother for 13-years and within the last several months when her memory went down, she became urinary/fecal incontinent, and started having falls -- I have a sibling who lives in town -- never offered any assistance, but was quick with sarcastic comments about what all I was doing wrong. I gave up my job 2-years ago to stay home with mom. (Sis is an RN and is retired) It's a hard road and I felt like I was on it by myself and the whole time, I'm wondering if I am doing this or that right. Now that mom is in a NH, sis has been critical about money, wanting me to bring mom home with sitters vs. keeping her in a nursing home. At present, I am working two part-time jobs and dealing with the grief I have over my mom's health. Any suggestions?

Any disfunction that was in the relationships in your family all along, are not going to miraculously get better with age.
Caring for the elderly is a task like mowing the lawn, not a treat like going to the Fair.
The economy all over the world is terrible and lots of people are keeping a poker face about how devastated they are monetarily.

Taking all that into consideration-- I think the best action is to be clear as possible about what "you want to do or can do" for your family member.
I tell my siblings a year ahead the month in summer I will take off and the cost of hiring a caregiver to come in. I offer them the cost of the caregiver to take mom home with them or to move in here and care for her. I do not wait for an answer to make my plans.
Same option with going to the doctors appointments etc. I call them and and give them a chance to step-up when I can not. But I do not stall waiting for their answer. I hire someone to help me.
As they see Mom's nest egg dwindle under my decisions I let them know that I will tolerate no belly aching unless I see them suit-up and show-up to carry some of the load. I remind myself that any $1 I save is only 33 cents for my kids. The kids would rather have the benefit of the $1 of services that brings me back to them than to wait for the 33 cents far down the road.

You got to lay down to be treated like a door mat.

Stand up and be CLEAR. Cut yourself the deal you are interested in fufilling.

You ask us if it would be better for her to move closer. Only you can know.
I would ask, is there an appropriate facility close to your home and is it affordable and full of the kinds of people your mom has enjoyed her whole life? Every care home has it's own culture and feel. Explore your options before you start making changes that are difficult to rewind. My life is best when everything is within 5 miles of my house and work. In our multicultural community my dad, the steak and potatoes guy, was served shoyu vegetables and rice for a year. The old ladies in the lounge chairs next to him gossiped in Croatian. The TV was on a Spanish channel. Gratefully, he was pretty GAGA by then and he did not really notice.

I completely agree with the post that said pack your bag and hit the door the moment they show. It is your chance to get a little respite. Make a good plan. I got my eye on a weekend camping in Desert Palms in the Fall.

We hear how important it is to take care of ourselves so we can be at our best to take care of our loved ones. We hear how we are to ask others for help, even when that is difficult to do. We take a chance and ask siblings to please become more involved in our mother's care. Just visit more often, spend more than an hour with her, play a game with her, take her out for a ride in the car; please offer us some time so we can have a break. Then we have to hear the all too-familiar response: Don't expect us to do any more than we are already doing. (Which is an occasional visit once or twice a month.) It hurts to hear that. We have to accept so many changes and alter our lives to be the caregivers we feel called to be, but to have to accept that our siblings are selfish and uncompassionate is a bit much to bear. Just knowing that there are so many of us in the same situation, doing our best, sometimes not doing our best but trying; what a blessing to have a site like this where we can share and vent without fear of judgment. Hugs to all caregivers.

Hey, something good came out of this venting -- another blessing to count! :)

Hmmm . . .would you believe I never considered the old "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" angle? But of course, that makes such great sense. Mom was basically selfish and stingy and indifferent - and so are they. So glad I didn't inherit that.

You go ahead and vent all you want, mariesmom. I don't blame you for being upset with your brothers. And good for you for caring for your mom!

I don't blame you for being upset with them. I am not sure that I blame them either. I don't know what kind of relationship they had with this "piece of work" -- and I'll bet you don't really know, either. Each child in a family has a unique relationship with each parent. Maybe there are deep-seated reasons that they are only interested in the money. Or maybe they are just selfish jerks. (Who raised these jerks, anyway?) In any case, they have probably lost the opportunity to come to some resolution in their relationships with your mother. It is not too late to visit her, but if her dementia is advanced she may not be able to engage in meaningful conversation.

I feel sorry for you and I admire what you are doing. I just feel sorry for them.

Keep up the good work, and keep on venting as needed!

I have two brothers who have not visited their mother since I compelled them to visit her with me in 2005 (at the beginning of her care) 6 years ago this month! They send flowers and chocolate on Mom's Day and a card for christmas. These are professional, church-going men - not slackers.

In the beginning I sent them pictures, updates on her care, ets, but all I ever got back was "Mom looks great".

I think this is 'punishment' because Mom agreed (before her Alzheimer's diagnosis) to pay me a salary for taking care of her,(I had to quit a very lucrative job) and made me POA and Executrix of her will.

Early on when I prodded them about visiting they came back with "I would like to be kept abreast of how Mom's money is being spent" so I resent them every email I'd previosuly sent, detailing how we'd had to replace the plumbing, buy a new furnace, etc. in the 60 year old house that had had no mainteance done in 20 years.

One of my brothers wrote asking if he and I could make amends - that he missed me (we were best friends most of our lives). I said of course, I would love that. You fly up here and visit your Mom and we will iron things out. I never heard back from him.

I am so frustrated! I know our Mom was a piece of work - she really was - the boys didn't like her much and I don't blame them because i never liked her much either. But this is ridiculous. They don't ask about me - they don't ask about her - yet I know full well when she passes they will show up looking for their inheritance. Arrgghhhh. makes me want to go out and buy her an inheritance worth of designer hospital gowns so they will get nothing!

(I am so glad I have this site on which to vent)

What I have read is so typicial of families-my mother's mind is very sharp-my sister lives close to her and I go out there at times but my brother very seldom do and do not even call her often and she thinks they walk on water. I tell them she is frail but on the phone she is able to hide how she really feels and if they spent time with her they would see how frail she is-but they do not want to admit she is getting older -I am sure when she passes it will be hard for them-I do not even want to be part of that drama-but you can not make your siblings face facts if they do not want to do that-you might as well talk to the side of a barn-it will not do any good except to make you crazy.

I think you are very brave and strong to continue your care of your mother. It is terrible that your siblings are so negligent and hateful. God will bless you for your loving care.

I doubt anything will make a difference. It is sad. It is not as unusual as it should be.

Know that you can make your own choices just as your brother has. In fact, you have chosen to make a choice. Your choice is to continue to provide care for your mother. You must now factor into your decisions the apparent fact that you cannot count on your siblings for help. You may want to continue on with the same choice you have made. If your mother's health gets worse, you may want to adjust your choices.

My mother is 83, I am in Scotland and by far the youngest of 4. With my father gone, she has no other family at all (she had no siblings) and I have had to be there for her for years, with absolutely no input from siblings. One brother is abroad, a sister is also abroad and they have been for decades. The eldest is nearby but refuses to visit. The ones at a distance have given no hands on help at all, ever, despite having no immediate commitments to prevent them from coming here. My brother designates me 'caregiver', I tell him that family should pull together, that putting it all on one person is not the way, but I get nowhere - he says he knows it is hard and that I must walk away or put my mother in a carehome which I could not do, especially when she dosn't want that or need it. He refuses to accept that this situation exists because they are not pulling their weight, he says I can make my own choices just as he has!She needs the support of her children to be there with her. None has helped financially at all. It is as if they really don't care.
The brother justifies some of it with his religious interests - that it is this way because it is God's will.
One sister, the one nearby, says that she can't visit her mother because I won't let her (lies) and the sister abroad backs her up, by saying that she has a 'mental illness' which they have even conveniently decided was caused by my mother! I haven't heard of another 'family' who have gone to such lengths to deny their responsibilities. I ask my brother does he not care or want to visit his mum again? He says he has no money to visit or is stressed etc, even says it is up to his wife but she tells me it is his decision.
The situation became so bad that last year when I directly asked the one nearby to return (she hadn't seen my mother in years) she came back grudgingly then began to make all manner of excuses for being unable to continue - I was forced to tell them how it was, that they are refusing to fulfil their MORAL duty, so that turned it nasty - the two sisters reported me to social services and told them such lies about me as I would never have imagined possible from people from the same parents - I was accused by social services of abusing my mother, thieving her money etc., putting her at risk. My brother and his wife did for their part think it appalling. I was cleared of all charges. Their aim had been to have my mum placed in 'care' to, supposedly, ease their guilt? even more.
It is not how they were brought up. I am in touch now only with my brother in USA and his wife, but as mentioned even he gives no real help. They just don't seem to CARE about their own mother. The sisters even denied that they had made the claims to social services or that they wanted their mother placed in 'care', that is how warped it is.
THe only help I have had is with my own friends - I have no partner or family and have put my own life 'on hold' for the last few years. I had thought about a mediator - but I doubt anything will make a difference with people who just believe fictitious reasons they have invented for abdicating all responsibility.
I know this message is really negative but the situation is dire.

Thank you for that feedback.

How good that you can provide support to your brother. I hope that you can continue in that role with less stress once a court-appointed guardian takes on some of the responsibilies.

It is natural that most people here are caring for parents. The subtitle of the site is "Connecting people caring for elderly parents." The site is intended for people to talk about taking care of their parents, with and without dementia. People caring for any elderly person -- a sibling, a spouse, a good friend -- can benefit from it, too. But you shouldn't be surprised or "tired of" the site being used for what it was built for.

I am tired of you all saying it is a parent who has dementia. In my case it is a brother. We are both in our 70's, and I have him in a nursing home. Our three sisters live out of state and don't visit very often. Now the court is going to appoint an outside guardian, because the sisters would not support me in that role. I am hoping that will mean less stress for me and that the guardian won't move him far away. I don't own a car and visit him via public transit.

I live an hour away from my mother, but I'm the one who is far more realistic about her and about my step-dad than anyone else is. He who is in a wheel chair think that he and his unqalified helper can get my mother back on her feet and take care of her better than the nursing home is in complete denial as well as resents me having durable and medical POA. My step-siblings can't see the handwriting on the wall about their 86 year old quickly declining dad who spends 20 hours of his day completely alone in his house watching TV and drinking bear.

Yes! Not alot of people have family that are willing to do this for them. She is lucky to have you. Getting written reports from the ALF workers will help. Also, showing researched plans where she could move closer to you at the care conference is a big plus. Good luck, you will be doing a very nice thing.

Oh boy this does hit home!

"I care for my Inlaws (mother in law has passed, just FIL now)....My Sister in Laws "swear" he looks fine & great when the see him!

Hum...One sees him once every "two or three months on a Sunday, if she can work him into her schedule"!

The other one, lets him actually spend ONCE a month in her home, from a "Sat morning, till Mon morning" (He is 82, and she won't even pick him up....it's a 45 min ride, we have run him up & got him , just to keep him off the road! She as well says "Dad seems fine, he can't be as sick as the doctors & you say"!

And my brother in law? LOL Last seen 8 months ago, I won't allow my FIL there. He's a drunk/drug addict!

Boy this hits home!

I'd like to hear from some of the siblings that live away from the aging parent and get their perspective. It would be helpful for me, the caregiver.