My wife has Alzheimer's Disease and I work 40 hours a week. I have cameras in key locations in the house so I can monitor her when her caregiver isn't there (who only comes in for an hour a day to feed her lunch and make sure she's clean). My Supervisor already knew my wife's condition and told me anytime that I needed to leave I could. I told him that I would only leave if I could not find her on camera or if I found her laying on the floor, which I have a few times. Human Resources at my work also knows my situation and works with me. I can scan the house every hour to make sure everything is okay. Occasionally I check every half hour.

The company I had worked for eliminated my position because it was founded that the other employees could do the work. I could understand their side of the coin, the office wouldn't function correctly without everyone on board. I refused to use my FMLA because what if there was a medical emergency with me where I needed to take time off for myself.

Of course I should have set boundaries with my parents as to when I could drive them some place instead of me using all my vacation days, all my sick days, and eventually a lot of days without pay.

I am going to answer this from my perspective as a co-worker. In my small team of 4 we manage a large customer. Between the 4 of us there are 8 children at home. One co-worker is caregiver for her demanding mom. One coworker just spent 18 months dealing with the illness and death of his wife due to cancer. Our team is pretty close and all of us are willing to help cover each other day to day. Our co-worker who lost his wife has two young children and as the 18 months progressed - there were more and more treatments, out of office for various things and finally hospice. Our caregiver has her mom at home with her and three kids. She is very often absent due to mom emergencies and doctor appointments and all of that plus mom is getting to the point where she cannot be left alone much. (my co-worker can work from home). The last year was hell. Between the two of us left, we covered meetings, travel, projects, calls, fire-drills for our two friends who had family issues. For example - I normally travel about three weeks a year, but had to cover for my co-workers and had to travel nine weeks. Not only is it exhausting - but there is domino effect - I have to find someone to cover my PTA committee when I can't be there, my school volunteering (teacher counting on my one Friday a month), car-pool turns to soccer - etc. While both of my co-workers were very grateful and honestly tried to do as much as they can - the fact is the work HAS to be done. Much of it can't wait. The two of us left were juggling what had to be done NOW, what could wait - doing the dance with the customer managing expectations, etc. Three of us are now doing the work of four as my poor co-worker lost his wife but my other co-worker still has her mom. The problem with caregiving as you all know - is it could go on for years and years. While we try to be understanding and helpful - it is hard when our friend uses her vacation and FMLA and tries to work - but the rest falls on us. After covering three trips a year for her for the past three years - I finally said to her and my manager that I'm only covering my travel this year - I just can't do it. I also will only cover one meeting a week for her and that is it. My work has been suffering too much. This is putting her in a great bind, I know. I'm sure all of you will be critical of me. The thing is - if you cannot do your job (ask your customer and coworker if you are) then maybe it is time to find a part time job. You are all upset that companies are not "sympathetic" to you - I work for a major corporation who has been very flexible with my two co-workers. The bottom line is at some point - it is no longer workable - the customer complains, your team is getting worn out and we have to face reality. the work is not getting done when it needs to get done.

I'm 67 and caring for my 89 year old mother. We have lived together many years, so I naturally fell into caring for her without a second thought. I never expected to retire because I don't have enough savings. I started taking my social security when I hit 65 and continued to work full time, so for 2 years things were relatively good because we had enough money, finally, to not be living paycheck to paycheck. I was able to get little extras without emptying our bank account. But my mother had a second stroke last April and can no longer be left alone. My job required a lot of travel and I had to work 10 to 16 hour days (due to the added in hours of travel to and from jobs). It was exhausting, but it's what I know how to do, so I kept doing the job even though I was getting a tad old for the physicality of it. After my mother's stroke, I hired home health aides to stay with her while I was gone. I know that $18/hr is reportedly a good deal--but those 10 to 16 hour days made it way too expensive. I finally had to stop bringing them in because I just didn't make enough money to keep doing it. I Still owe a couple of hundred dollars that I've got to pay off to the health care company. Because I could no longer travel, I could no longer do the job. I worked as a remote employee out of home, so was already use to being at home. The company I worked for gave me a try at doing recruiting for them out of home, but they needed me to work an exact 8 to 5 schedule to coincide with their in-house recruitment group. Taking care of my mother made that impossible. I can't work a set daily schedule in that way. I was working early, evenings, and weekends, but it didn't suit the company's needs, so they let me go. Currently we're living on my small 401K, unemployment, and our social security. I'm looking for contract work doing the same kind of job - but when anyone gives me work (which they haven't yet) I'll have to leave my mother alone for a couple of hours while I go to do the job. I just can't afford someone to come in and sit with her. But I'm only trying to get work in our immediate area so I could get done with the job in those couple of hours and not have to work 10 to 16 hours again. Still, getting contract work is difficult, especially in my field because they prefer to hire folks who can travel to do the jobs all over. I simply can't afford to keep doing that, and frankly I'm getting a tad old to have to do that. While waiting for anyone to give me some contract work to do, I'm writing. I already had several ebooks published some years back, and now I'm trying to get back into it. I'm working on short stories as there are online magazines and blog sites that use short stories. No guarantees, of course, so I'm living with the constant pressure of worrying about finances. My mother is losing her eyesight and is pretty deaf, and she no longer has balance to walk. But she can get around a little bit with the walker if I'm by her side, and I help her bath and use the bathroom. I bought her a Kindle and she can hear that through the earphones and see a bit with the screen held close. It's been a God-send. I never had children, so this level of care is new to me. But she is my mother and still able to think and enjoy being at home. The doctor doesn't think she would last long in a nursing home, and I don't want to give her care over to strangers who make minimum wage. I wish there were better programs in place to honestly help with care and finances, but in truth there are not. Just wanted to note that I understand what everyone is going through. Take care.

I am fortunate in that I have an understanding boss who has allowed me to build the necessary flexibility into my schedule. But my company, like many others, lacks empathy when it comes to the issue of those that are caring for elderly family members, and outside of FMLA, they show little if any interest in supporting employees who are going through this . Interestingly enough, working moms who need to leave to address an illness with a child, or a call from school that they need to come get their kid, these instances don't raise any eyebrows at all. And they have backup/subsidized daycare at their disposal in many instances. To me, it's a very unfair double standard.

I was terminated because of my excessive absences caring for my mother. She has been in the hospital since November 23, and currently she is in ICU on a ventilator, dialysis three times a week, and multiple bacterial infections from a super bacteria. I didn't qualify for FMLA. I will just look for another job in my field.

I had moved in and lived with my mother for over 30 years after high school where I had lived in foster care and worked successfully full-time for most of those wonderful years. I got laid off from my job in February, 2012, filed for unemployment and started immediately looking for another job. Then my mother got sick in late February with GI problems and had to be taken to the hospital, so I stopped job searching temporarily for two weeks until she got treated and started recovering. Unfortunately in early March, my mother then accidently fell backwards in our home, suffering a broken spine. Again, I was unable to look for work for 6 weeks because now I had to provide 24-hour help with strong pain narcotics monitoring and horrible side-effects that required at least 4 hospital visits and some appointments to her doctor that no cargiver could even help provide! Today, I still need to provide some assistance to Mom for transporation, ,excercise with her back brace (for 6 months!) shopping and meals. Even though Mom now uses a walker or a cane, she is unable to go outside without help. We hired caregivers for two months while she was recovering but now it is just too expensive so we stopped hiring help, Again, I provide all of the help; no other family is available because they all live out of state, and God, what a mess our parents divorce of 56 years caused!! I think that Mom will eventually call her friends but she still spends most of her time resting in bed. I must also change a fentanyl pain patch every 3 days. I am looking for part-time work and going to some classes at EDD. Yes CA EDD still wants me to look for full-time work so I can receive their State Benefits!! The situation now is: how will I manage time off from work in a new job to help Mom??

PatatHom01

I feel for you because that is what I was trying to avoid.FMLA only goes so far and many employers know all the loop holes to put you down when it may affect their bottom line profits.They talk a good game about how much they care about their employees and community but so much of it is nothing but PR.They wonder why then their employees are no longer loyal,esp.the younger ones when they see it happening to the 'old timers'?I worked my butt off for the same company for more than 30 years before my folks became ill but that was soon forgotten after I filed for FMLA.I used a lot of vacation,personal time but little FMLA yet they were still not happy with the situation.One person from another country made a change in my life otherwise I would of been gone too.It is a very pathetic situation when you try to do the right thing and end up suffering the negative consequences for doing so.Everything that goes around comes back around to bite you in the end and I believe that is part of what we are seeing in this country (USA) in regards to patriotic and corporate loyalty.

I was laid off due to caregiving. It was not stated, but I know I was taking alot of time off for my mom. Sad when I was doing such a great job.

Soon after both of my parents developed dementia my siblings headed for the hills along with their offspring (all lived local).I worked full time and am a single male so they figured I should be the 'chosen' one to care for them.I worked 30 plus years for the same large company and at the time was working on a project for (3) 30 something snot nose punks who had no understanding whatsoever on the demands dropped in my lap.They did everything in their power to get me axed asap over the next three years.I survived by involving the guardinship attorney I hired to guide me with my folks care,filed for intermittent FMLA,and kept my cool and continued to do my job full time.I hired bonded and insured caregivers to care for my folks when I was working ( a mini nightmare ).It was not easy and my father passed away in a nursing home during this period because I could not handle both of them together at home full time.I was able to visit him almost every day along with my mother.It did him a lot of good and I never let them know the pressures being put on me at work.Lucikly I was finally put on a project managed by a man from the Philippines who is caring for his mom too after his dad passed.The country he comes from has high respect for their elders so he understood my situation.Work life became much more tolerable and I was able to care for my mother and keep my job until she passed away recently.Nothing ever went according to plan or was easy during those seven years but I felt my parents received the best care I could manage during those rough times.Families,employers,caregiving agencies,nursing homes are all huge stress factors but you should put the love for your folks first because that is what is most important.It is often a very lonely journey during and after the caregiving period because there is little reward in this society for caregivers and the dump and runs are usually full of guilt when it is over so they avoid any contact with you.Never let anyone wipe their boots all over you especially if they are taking advantage of your situation.Don't hesitate to involve a elder law attorney or the department of health for your state whenever the situation is getting out of hand.There are a lot of laws on the books to protect the rights of caregiver and your loved ones.Love is the strength that kept and keeps me going despite the toll placed upon my life.It was worth it in the end. Even after their passing I'm still fighting to right many wrongs that had taken place over the years so others hopefully have a less stressfull situation when their time comes to care for the ones who loved and cared for them.